I get attraction from girls but have a horrible dating life....

[Eternal]

 

I am tall (6'6), good looking, good physique (regularly workout), easily get dates from online but I have a horrible dating life & it gets deeply frustrating since most of the time my basic survival needs are not getting met. It feels worse when you know down deep inside that you could be doing so much better with women. About the last 15 online dates, I have failed all of them. I unconsciously reject myself from the opposite sex. Women easily give me signs of attraction also. 

The problem is not attracting women because that is incredibly easy for me, from past experience. It is interacting with them & getting the feeling of having a shit personality because I get rejected a majority of my dates. 

I have never really tried doing cold approach properly, I get good results with online game but at the same time it hurts my self esteem & makes me feel worthless. It has been a troubling inner battle for a long time now. 

Fear is so extremely strong with cold approach + having no others who are interested in this makes it even harder but I feel like this affects all aspects of my life currently.

 

The most dominant force in my life is fear, fear of rejection. It's become so crippingly bad that it controls my entire life. I will go out to bars & clubs & not even do any approaches because I feel better about feeling bad. It's such a self fulfilling prophecy. I know these are all just negative thoughts but it is deep down, a dominating force in my life. I just want to regularly have sex with females & be good at dating, expressing myself. This has held me back so much in my life. This horrible social anxiety. I am even scared about what could happen if I do approach. I am terrified of the possibility of getting loads of women so easily, because it will completely shatter my worthless, loser identity that I have moulded for myself over the last so many years. 

 

I have even slept with about 35 women (most of whom approached me), quite a few where unattractive but I felt that was the only option I had at that given time. Coming to think of it, I have never really hit on girls. The fear is terrifying because I have never even really done it. I want to improve this situation so badly. 

 

I crave a loving, conscious relationship but I need to get good at attracting women first. I want to learn how to screen women out, how to find the 'right' partner for me. I know there is no right partner but I still want one that has as little issues as possible. 

 

What's worse is when I go out, I actively go out of my own way to not approach so I can feel better about my constructed identity. I am terrified of change. Even on dates, I won't try to push them. It's just boring interview/platonic talk for a few hours & we hug goodbye. 

 

My conscious side of me wants to change but my subconscious has its own plan...  How do I change ? ughhhhh 

 

How do I get such bad inner thoughts but yet look so different externally, I don't get it? realistically I should have so much more confidence than I currently do. I don't even know if I should do inner work first or not.

 

It gets so frustrating, because this consumes so much of my mind....  it even gets to the point where I am starting to repress my own male sexuality & feel worse for doing so. 

 

I need to change... 

Edited April 23, 2022 by Eternal

[Tarak]

28 minutes ago, Eternal said:

I crave a loving, conscious relationship but I need to get good at attracting women first.

Why do you think that? I had barely any contact with women in my life. I can count the number of women I slept with on one hand and except for a 2 year relationship, I only had one night stands (with both the girl and me very drunk), before I got in a loving, conscious relationship, and we stayed together for almost 10 years.

Just be yourself, dare to show yourself like you are, don't be needy, and you will attract somebody who vibes well with you.

Edited April 23, 2022 by Tarak
English...

[Eternal]

6 minutes ago, Tarak said:

Why do you think that? I had barely any contact with women in my life. I can count the number of women I slept with on one hand and except for a 2 year relationship, I only had one night stands (with both the girl and me very drunk), before I got in a loving, conscious relationship, and we stayed together for almost 10 years.

Just be yourself, dare to show yourself like you are, don't be needy, and you will attract somebody who vibes well with you.

 

I want to understand female attraction before the loving, conscious relationship though

 

Getting into a relationship does not make the fear go away of attracting the opposite sex/being bad at it

 

What if one day I break up? I will still be that guy who sucks with women

[Phil]

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

I am tall (6'6), good looking, good physique (regularly workout), easily get dates from online but I have a horrible dating life & it gets deeply frustrating since most of the time my basic survival needs are not getting met.

Focus on that instead. Put the rest on pause. If you can find what is surviving, keep the perspective ‘survival needs’. If you can not find what’s surviving, try the perspective - what I want is. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

It feels worse when you know down deep inside that you could be doing so much better with women. About the last 15 online dates, I have failed all of them. I unconsciously reject myself from the opposite sex. Women easily give me signs of attraction also. The problem is not attracting women because that is incredibly easy for me, from past experience. It is interacting with them & getting the feeling of having a shit personality because I get rejected a majority of my dates. 

If you’re saying you know you are doing this, it can’t be said to be unconscious. 

 

There isn’t a separate self which is rejected. There is only the activity of thought about a self which is rejected. Reality is ‘seen’, experienced, through this belief. When the belief is recognized for what it is, it is dispelled, and no longer ‘filters’ reality, and what was called rejection doesn’t happen / isn’t experienced. It never was. It was only believed - an overlay, a narrative. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

I have never really tried doing cold approach properly, I get good results with online game but at the same time it hurts my self esteem & makes me feel worthless.

The discord of some thoughts and concepts is self evident. I don’t want to be approached coldly. Do you? 

The belief in a my self esteem, and the consideration I am worthless feels discordant to me. What about for you? 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

It has been a troubling inner battle for a long time now. 

Beliefs inspected are dispelled, and no longer ‘color’ experience discordantly. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

Fear is so extremely strong with cold approach + having no others who are interested in this makes it even harder but I feel like this affects all aspects of my life currently.

Fear is emotional guidance in regard to the thoughts, concepts, perspectives and self referential beliefs. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

The most dominant force in my life is fear, fear of rejection.

There isn’t force. You’re fighting against yourself. (So to speak of course). 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

It's become so crippingly bad that it controls my entire life.

That “it” isn’t a separate or other thing, it’s the discord of the beliefs & perspectives. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

I will go out to bars & clubs & not even do any approaches because I feel better about feeling bad.

No ya don’t. Nobody does. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

It's such a self fulfilling prophecy. I know these are all just negative thoughts but it is deep down, a dominating force in my life.

‘Negative thoughts’ is a thought about judging thoughts. Discord points to feeling. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

I just want to regularly have sex with females & be good at dating, expressing myself. This has held me back so much in my life.

There isn’t anything holding you back. There are discord beliefs and discordant concepts. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

This horrible social anxiety.

Anxiety isn’t a thing, and thus isn’t a thing which is horrible. Anxiety is a thought, a label used to suppress and veil that some beliefs are discordant. Inspect the beliefs as compared to adding a label. Horrible is only a thought. Judging anxiety is judging discord. Inspecting the discord brings an end to suffering, and to the suffering of judging.  

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

I am even scared about what could happen if I do approach. I am terrified of the possibility of getting loads of women so easily, because it will completely shatter my worthless, loser identity that I have moulded for myself over the last so many years. 

Time is a belief. You are not a past. Those are thoughts which arise now. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

I have even slept with about 35 women (most of whom approached me), quite a few where unattractive but I felt that was the only option I had at that given time.

Objectifying is using people as object to feel better. The other option is inspecting the discordant beliefs. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

Coming to think of it, I have never really hit on girls. The fear is terrifying because I have never even really done it. I want to improve this situation so badly. 

Fear isn’t a thing which is terrifying. Fear is emotional guidance in regard to thoughts. The discord isn’t related to what you’ve done or not, but to thoughts now, and only now. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

I crave a loving, conscious relationship but I need to get good at attracting women first.

No you don’t. You believe that. It’s a belief. Our existence is communion, and is literally a loving conscious relationship. Reality, is love, is a loving conscious communion. Thus objectifying is discordant. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

I want to learn how to screen women out, how to find the 'right' partner for me. I know there is no right partner but I still want one that has as little issues as possible. 

His or her issues aren’t your business. If there are issues, that’s your discord to address, your ‘issues’ so to speak. Ignoring this, it is as if reality, or experience, continues showing you this. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

What's worse is when I go out, I actively go out of my own way to not approach so I can feel better about my constructed identity. I am terrified of change. Even on dates, I won't try to push them. It's just boring interview/platonic talk for a few hours & we hug goodbye. 

Focus instead on thoughts of how you want it to go, and it will. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

My conscious side of me wants to change but my subconscious has its own plan...  How do I change ? ughhhhh 

There’s already nothing wrong with you, nothing in need of change. That’s beliefs to inspect. Listen to the guidance you are feeling. Discontinue judging and labeling the guidance. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

How do I get such bad inner thoughts but yet look so different externally, I don't get it?

You don’t get bad thoughts, you’re judging thoughts as bad, vs receiving the guidance and acknowledging judgement is always discordant, and no longer doing so. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

realistically I should have so much more confidence than I currently do. I don't even know if I should do inner work first or not.

Ignoring discord, a new concept arises as if a solution… ‘confidence’. No longer ignoring feeling is the inherent self evident ‘solution’ which reveals there isn’t a problem, just thought attachment and judgement, and conceptualizing, rationalizing & justifying the discordant feeling as ‘a problem’. It’s not a problem, it’s guidance. 

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

It gets so frustrating, because this consumes so much of my mind....  it even gets to the point where I am starting to repress my own male sexuality & feel worse for doing so. 

‘My mind’ isn’t a thing, it’s a thought. Thus, “this thought”, brings about the emotional guidance, frustration. Inspect the thought. Is it true?

On 4/23/2022 at 1:14 PM, Eternal said:

 

I need to change... 

Likewise. 

Is it true?

How do you know that’s true?

 

[WhiteOwl]

On 4/23/2022 at 7:48 PM, Eternal said:

 

I want to understand female attraction before the loving, conscious relationship though

 

Getting into a relationship does not make the fear go away of attracting the opposite sex/being bad at it

 

What if one day I break up? I will still be that guy who sucks with women

If you want to attract females or a partner, be someone who feels great. Thats how people gets attracted to you. That means dropping whatever is making you feel not great.

Reading your post, it seems you have a lot of beliefs about what you need to do, and how you need to change before you will become attractive, and all of that is exactly what is making you unhappy and not-attracting. 

 

On 4/23/2022 at 7:14 PM, Eternal said:

This has held me back so much in my life. This horrible social anxiety. I am even scared about what could happen if I do approach. I am terrified of the possibility of getting loads of women so easily, because it will completely shatter my worthless, loser identity that I have moulded for myself over the last so many years. 

Looking at this;

 

How does it feel when you believe the thought "This has held me back so much in my life."? It feels terrible, thats why you are writing this post. 

What about the thought "My worthless, loser identity that i have moulded for myself over the last so many years". How does it feel when you believe that thought? Thats got to hurt.. 

 

Looking at those two examples, do you think someone believing those thoughts about himself will attract people? Drop all of these beliefs about yourself, beliefs about cold approaching and beliefs that you need to sleep with xx number of attractive women before you will be attractive or have worth. All of that is the reason why you are not attractive and feeling good when you meet women.

 

If you feel good, you will attract what you want. I am using the "emotional scale" found under tools to express emotions, and since doing that i've just slowly been feeling better and better. I can really recommend trying that out for a week or two, even if it feels a bit wierd in the beginning, if you are not used to something like that.

 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by WhiteOwl

[Mandy]

Flip the objective from getting approval/attraction from women, to unconditionally giving it to them, and whoever, whatever else. If you go out, appreciate the place, the paint color on the walls, the music, etc. In other words, make it a point to enjoy yourself. Love/appreciation/attraction doesn't really go from one person to another, so when we expect that it does and keep noticing that we aren't getting it, we cut ourselves off from it. The most attractive people are just having a great time with as few expectations, objectives or sense of need to fulfill those. Your expectations of how you need to go about all this, getting good at approaching before having the relationship you really want etc, needing to "screen" women, seem to be quite limiting. Where did you pick this up?