Dating

[Kevin]

So I went on a date with this girl tonight. At least I thought it was a date lol idk. She’s in my friend group but I felt like she was flirty so I asked her out to dinner which to me is a date right? Also she dressed nice and I could tell she got herself dolled up. That also leads me to believe it was a date. But I’m confused because her energy was platonic. She didn’t seem super comfortable when I touched her but also we went back to her place so mixed signals. And then she didn’t sit close to me on the couch.

 

Basically I’m writing here because this whole topic of dating seems to trigger a lot of emotions. I’m trying to pay attention to feeling and let thoughts come and go but it’s intense.

 

It seems there’s a huge attachment to outcome. Which is just always how I’ve operated but it’s not feeling good. I want things to go further with this girl but I don’t like stressing about this. 
 

Basically she is gonna be out of town later this week for a while so I’m gonna text her and ask her if she wants to get together again before that. I feel super conflicted about it though. There’s all these thoughts about what if she’s just not interested and I’m imposing. So because of that I don’t want to text. But also there’s a lot of signs she’s into me so I’m assuming maybe she’s shy or something. Idk I’m super confused.

 

Also there’s a conflict between being genuinely attracted to her and then fearing that I’m being need and for some reason a lot of expressions of attraction seem needy when not reciprocated.

Edited May 20 by Kevin

[Mandy]

Do you actually like her? 

[Kevin]

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

Do you actually like her? 

Yes

[Mandy]

@Kevin Then like her. 

[Phil]

Sounds like she’s into you and is thinking / looking for a long term relationship, which might explain making the date, getting dolled up and inviting you back to her place, and yet not moving quickly intimacy wise / sitting next to you on the couch. 

 

The more emotions are felt the less attachment to outcome is experienced, because what’s wanted is essentially feeling and all there is to emotions is feeling, and feeling / emotion is present-only. 
 

11 hours ago, Kevin said:

Also there’s a conflict between being genuinely attracted to her and then fearing that I’m being need and for some reason a lot of expressions of attraction seem needy when not reciprocated

Fear is felt with the interpretation, is how the interpretation feels, but there isn’t someone fearing. Maybe insecurity & unworthiness as well, idk.
 

These emotions are how thoughts on behalf of the separate self feel. The thought and emotion are present / presently experienced, but the sep self of thought is not. 

 

Not knowing for the excitement win. Flip the script a little. If a gal is attracted to you but you aren’t to her, do you judge her as needy? Does your not reciprocating actually say anything about her at all? Same for you. 🙂

[Kevin]

37 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin Then like her. 

Damn maybe it is that simple. Lots of fear was coming up about what if she doesn’t like me and I’m wasting my time. But I guess that’s stuff that is relevant and it’s coming up because I haven’t processed it yet.

[Kevin]

42 minutes ago, Phil said:

Sounds like she’s into you and is thinking / looking for a long term relationship, which might explain making the date, getting dolled up and inviting you back to her place, and yet not moving quickly intimacy wise / sitting next to you on the couch. 

 

Yeah I think you’re right. I’m definitely not used to it though. My general experience with girls is that in terms of physical intimacy, things move quickly.  So I guess I was just assuming she doesn’t like me because she’s moving so slowly.

 

42 minutes ago, Phil said:

The more emotions are felt the less attachment to outcome is experienced, because what’s wanted is essentially feeling and all there is to emotions is feeling, and feeling / emotion is present-only. 
 

 

42 minutes ago, Phil said:

Fear is felt with the interpretation, is how the interpretation feels, but there isn’t someone fearing. Maybe insecurity & unworthiness as well, idk.

 

Yep so I was on a retreat recently and this was super clear. I was totally locked in, in terms of just letting thoughts go and focusing on feeling. This whole girl situation has been very triggering because some of these thought seem convincing. It seems like actually stuff I need to worry about. But I guess I gotta keep going back to how I’m feeling.

42 minutes ago, Phil said:

These emotions are how thoughts on behalf of the separate self feel. The thought and emotion are present / presently experienced, but the sep self of thought is not. 

 

yeah I guess any thoughts about how I need to figure out if she likes me or not, etc. those are just me averting from feeling and trying to prevent future pain.

 

42 minutes ago, Phil said:

Not knowing for the excitement win. Flip the script a little. If a gal is attracted to you but you aren’t to her, do you judge her as needy? Does your not reciprocating actually say anything about her at all? Same for you. 🙂

Yeah I guess that’s true. I think I’m attached to the outcome here and I was about to say that’s a problem but maybe it’s not? I mean I do like her, of course I would prefer if she’s into me to.

[Mandy]

@Kevin If you like her, you like her, here and now it feels like a good subject to focus on, and if you like her and it doesn't, it feels off exactly because you aren't liking her then.

 

I'm starting a new job and trying to offer value to people when I'm learning and feel like a deer in the headlights. I haven't told anyone except a handful of people I'm doing this, I haven't advertised, yet I got a lead and now I'm in it. I'm reminding myself that I wanted to do this and why, I've always wanted to, I wanted to learn new things. Or I can focus on how I've never done this before, how people who are experienced are judging me, how I'm not worth what I'm charging. Fun, excitement or insecurity. What feels better?

 

It's as simple as focusing on what you like, but it's new and there's so many unknowns and it's totally fine that there's stuff coming up. You can drop the expectation that you OUGHT to be totally sure of everything, and just go straight to what you like. 

 

Yesterday I was planting some flowers my daughter picked out and she was on a call with a friend and didn't want to help me plant them when I asked her to. After I was done I had a thought saying that I was a bad mom, that her childhood was slipping me by, lost to technology, and I realized that right now, I could go inside and ask her to come look at where I had planted them. Desire, spend time with daughter. Go there now. So I just did that and she was finished with her call, very interested and we had a nice time. Feeling rejected and disappointed once and keeping thinking it blocks you from realizing when timing is right.  

 

Just go right to it, you need no excuse, you don't need to prove your worthiness. Thought makes it seem like there's some terribly real and complicated circumstance of lack, there isn't. 

[WhiteOwl]

24 minutes ago, Mandy said:

If you like her, you like her, here and now it feels like a good subject to focus on, and if you like her and it doesn't, it feels off exactly because you aren't liking her then.

Is liking someone something you choose?  

 

" it feels off exactly because you aren't liking her then." Do you mean here that he doesn't actually like her, or that he is not focusing upon it?

 

 

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl More like something you align with, by align I mean that you don't believe or doubt that you love, you feel the love. Love feels like love, if you want to love, love. 

[Kevin]

35 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin If you like her, you like her, here and now it feels like a good subject to focus on, and if you like her and it doesn't, it feels off exactly because you aren't liking her then.

 

True focusing on thoughts about how I like her and she’s cool and stuff like that is great. 
 

Focusing on how certain conditions have to be met for me to feel ok doesn’t feel good.

 

It’s probably good that this is coming up. Stuff like this has come up with every girl I’ve dated in the past but now instead of pushing it away I think I can deal with it. So maybe it’s a gift because if I process this stuff then I won’t have to deal with it in the future with this girl or another girl if this doesn’t work out.

35 minutes ago, Mandy said:

I'm starting a new job and trying to offer value to people when I'm learning and feel like a deer in the headlights. I haven't told anyone except a handful of people I'm doing this, I haven't advertised, yet I got a lead and now I'm in it. I'm reminding myself that I wanted to do this and why, I've always wanted to, I wanted to learn new things. Or I can focus on how I've never done this before, how people who are experienced are judging me, how I'm not worth what I'm charging. Fun, excitement or insecurity. What feels better?

 

Totally that makes sense. It feels a lot better to focus on enjoying my time with her and not worrying about things. Dating in the past seemed so performative to me. Like I always had to be a certain way or wear a mask. Idk if I even had to do that. Maybe I was just thinking I knew what girls wanted.

 

Now it’s more clear that just spending time together and enjoying each other’s company is much better than thinking I have to be somebody specific. Old habits die hard I guess.

35 minutes ago, Mandy said:

It's as simple as focusing on what you like, but it's new and there's so many unknowns and it's totally fine that there's stuff coming up. You can drop the expectation that you OUGHT to be totally sure of everything, and just go straight to what you like. 

 

Yesterday I was planting some flowers my daughter picked out and she was on a call with a friend and didn't want to help me plant them when I asked her to. After I was done I had a thought saying that I was a bad mom, that her childhood was slipping me by, lost to technology, and I realized that right now, I could go inside and ask her to come look at where I had planted them. Desire, spend time with daughter. Go there now. So I just did that and she was finished with her call, very interested and we had a nice time. Feeling rejected and disappointed once and keeping thinking it blocks you from realizing when timing is right.  

 

35 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Just go right to it, you need no excuse, you don't need to prove your worthiness. Thought makes it seem like there's some terribly real and complicated circumstance of lack, there isn't. 

that’s cool you got to spend time with your daughter. I guess the timing thing is key. If I view her not sleeping with me on the first date as her not liking me then maybe I’ll miss all the signs that she actually does and I’ll miss all the good things that could happen in the future.
 

Yeah thought was very convincing on this topic. I’m feeling better about it today. I’ve been wanting to meet a girl who I could be with long term and maybe it’s a really good sign that this girl wants to take it slow. Idk.

[Mandy]

@Kevin 

9 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Yeah thought was very convincing on this topic. I’m feeling better about it today. I’ve been wanting to meet a girl who I could be with long term and maybe it’s a really good sign that this girl wants to take it slow. Idk.

Absolutely! 

 

How funny that sometimes when we attract what we asked for we're disappointed. "I doubt I can have it!" "OH crap, it's here!" Disappointment followed by overwhelm. Gotta love the emotional scale. 😂

 

 

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin 

Absolutely! 

 

How funny that sometimes when we attract what we asked for we're disappointed. "I doubt I can have it!" "OH crap, it's here!" Disappointment followed by overwhelm. Gotta love the emotional scale. 😂

 

 

Haha very true.

[Phil]

4 hours ago, Kevin said:

Yeah I think you’re right. I’m definitely not used to it though. My general experience with girls is that in terms of physical intimacy, things move quickly.  So I guess I was just assuming she doesn’t like me because she’s moving so slowly.

You were probably wanting some quick action before and are more recently interested in longer term. Damn you sound like one of those guys everything is just working out for. One of those attractor people.

 

4 hours ago, Kevin said:

Yep so I was on a retreat recently and this was super clear. I was totally locked in, in terms of just letting thoughts go and focusing on feeling. This whole girl situation has been very triggering because some of these thought seem convincing. It seems like actually stuff I need to worry about. But I guess I gotta keep going back to how I’m feeling

Longer term is an ongoing uncovering which is inherently more & more intimate, so it makes sense some sep thoughts of ol come up. In staying with what you’re feeling though, you’re present (locked in) and the worry is guidance for the thoughts. Source might have a different take on this ‘stuff’ an I needs to worry about interpretation.

 

4 hours ago, Kevin said:

Yeah I guess that’s true. I think I’m attached to the outcome here and I was about to say that’s a problem but maybe it’s not? I mean I do like her, of course I would prefer if she’s into me to.

It’s felt, and there’s guidance. So, no problem. 🙂

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

You were probably wanting some quick action before and are more recently interested in longer term. Damn you sound like one of those guys everything is just working out for. One of those attractor people.

 

haha I hope so. 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

Longer term is an ongoing uncovering which is inherently more & more intimate, so it makes sense some sep thoughts of ol come up. In staying with what you’re feeling though, you’re present (locked in) and the worry is guidance for the thoughts. Source might have a different take on this ‘stuff’ an I needs to worry about interpretation.

 

Sounds good I guess I’m on the right track. I wanted the emotional clearing to speed up and it seems like it has. Overall I’m feeling hopeful

1 hour ago, Phil said:

It’s felt, and there’s guidance. So, no problem. 🙂