Wild Abandon

[Mandy]

What if no one was behind this? What if nothing was providing this, no one to thank, no one to blame? What if there were no beginning, no ending? No antagonist and no protagonist? What if you were not the one that expresses, but the expression, what if it all were expression that never becomes expressed, never completes or refines itself because it already is empty without blemish or lack? 

 

Expresser, expression, expressing

 

Thinker, thought, thinking

 

knower, known, knowing

 

Awarer, awared, awaring 😂

 

 

 

[Mitchel]

Being open to the possibility of something isn’t a concept. It is the first, & foundational spark to discovery. Nobody realizes anything,  nobody reaches a state, there is just the profound beauty of being Absolutely Open. 
 

Only considering the possibility can unlock the veil on our Boundless Potential. 
 

When we question we can drop the quest, the whole search for an anything, & be with Infinite Curiosity.
 

That first spark I just spoke of, it is really the acknowledging of that there is no beginning or end to What We Are. 
 

None of this is a noun, as in an expresser, or expression, it is all Verbing.

Everything is inging:
Creating,

Thinking,

Knowing,

Awaring,

Expressing.

 

All the -ings are the same movement, Expressing. 
It is veiled by itself expressing all these different terms for the movement of Source expressing itself, which is what Source is, Expression Expressing Itself. 
 

😂 Neither/ Not-Two.

 

When awareness shines on a knot/ noun it is seen it was always The Verbing!

Emotional Guidance / The Life-Force Flowers.

Into Flow. 
 

🌺

 

[Mandy]

@Mitchel ❤️ So good to see you here again!

[Blessed2]

On 1/26/2024 at 3:07 AM, Mandy said:

What if no one was behind this? What if nothing was providing this, no one to thank, no one to blame? What if there were no beginning, no ending? No antagonist and no protagonist? What if you were not the one that expresses, but the expression, what if it all were expression that never becomes expressed, never completes or refines itself because it already is empty without blemish or lack? 

 

Expresser, expression, expressing

 

Thinker, thought, thinking

 

knower, known, knowing

 

Awarer, awared, awaring 😂

 

 

 

 

Uuuuuu I like this!

[Mandy]

What do you want?  The freedom to be weird. The freedom to be misunderstood, not Miss Understood. I want to go for a walk by the river. I want light. So funny, that time I tried to worship it. Lost in translation. "time I tried" It's like everything is filtered through this attempt at communicating so I'll be understood and liked.

 

Hi! I'm Miss Understood. I don't have time to get to know you, because I'm too busy trying to be Miss Understood. I have to have every hair in place, my sash hung just you can read it, lipstick is perfect. I'm too busy checking how many insta followers I have, or my face in the mirror to decide whether I even like you or not. 

 

Decide. I could never do that any way.

 

I decided it was a problem that I can't decide. How does that work, you ask? I'll tell you, I'm Miss Understood. 

[Mandy]

I just want to sit down and cry from frustration. 

 

Just have the fight. Have the balls to just have the fight. Or maybe you just don't give a rat's ass. Maybe you know you'll lose. 

 

I want a conclusion, I want a resolution to this. Give it to me. 

 

"I don't remember you." I HATE you awareness. I fucking loathe you. You don't answer, you don't respond, you don't react. You don't do anything. Leave me hanging here. I tore the hanged man card in half. Cause I'm not a man, motherfuckers. It's just not for me. 

 

Ok, so now it's getting funny. 

 

 

[Mandy]

Nostalgia. It was just the lining up of such perfection.

( It was such a mess. )

 

Yeah, it was. A beautiful mess. Embarrassing.

(You're only thinking of yourself) 

 

That's the only tragedy isn't it? Goat songs. Paradise. Clarity. Maybe I should just get the tattoos. I don't want a tattoo. 

(all about you) not two

 

It's pretty interesting though, maybe not me, but how it is all about me. Entertaining angels. I still hate them sometimes. I'm sick of this roller coaster life. Ride, I meant to type, not life.

 

Life.

 

LIFE.

 

LARGER THAN LIFE.

 

Can't get away. 

 

I didn't come here to help uphold a façade, I came to point out the falsity of it. 

 

I keep dreaming that I find this whole section of my house that I just forgot about. Was wondering what it kept meaning. Came across this quote "Your heart is a palace but you live in your head. You own a vast mansion yet you sleep in the shed." -Collete O' Mahoney

 

"If the flesh came into being because of spirit, that is a marvel, but if spirit came into being because of the body, that is a marvel of marvels. Yet I marvel at how this great wealth has come to dwell in this poverty." - Jesus

[Mandy]

Too pessimistic to write appreciation stuff. Feels like all I do is work and be lazy and never get ahead. That doesn't make sense at all, but it's what I'm thinking, so it must be true. 

 

Always looking ahead, never getting there, like the insight while running up the hill. 

 

FUCK. I want what I don't want. I want a new roof and some goddamn fucking gutters. I REALLY want some fucking gutters, cause the water is stripping the paint and this isn't working anymore. There, I said it. 

 

I keep messing myself up by thinking everything is limited. 

 

Yeah, that's kinda the whole me game. 

 

Are you "no shit Sherlock"-ing me?

 

Yeah. Except it's slightly different, it's "no shit, no Sherlock", and it's not for you.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

No shit, no sherlock. 

 

There's nothing you can judge as bad or unwanted, and no one to figure out what that is. You can however, speak what you want.

 

I want PERFECT timing. I want to experience perfect timing and synergy. I want perfect timing with those who are asking, rather than trying to compile or labor to give them the answers as if they are in need and not also powerful blessed creators. 

 

               

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

I doubt my ability to make decisions. (Well that's not right, I can't doubt myself, obviously it's not really an ability, so why wouldn't I doubt it?)

 

I doubt myself, I doubt that I'm capable of being effective if I make a career change in which I work with people and have to market myself. I'd rather uphold this idea that I could if I wanted to, but not actually. (That's BS) I'd rather hide because it hurts. I have this story that I've had a sheltered upbringing in which there has been no bullying,  (That's all BS)

 

I haven't seen a fly in the house all winter, yet one just landed on my mouth. 

 

"Trust your wound to a teacher's surgery.

Flies collect on a wound.

They cover it,

those flies of your self-protecting feelings,

your love for what you think is yours.

Let a Teacher wave away the flies

and put a plaster on the wound.

Don't turn your head.

Keep looking

at the bandaged place.

That's where

the Light enters you.

And don't believe for a moment

that you're healing yourself." -Rumi

 

The tree might fall on the house either way. You really have to say fuck it, and let it go. 

 

When he was little, once my son asked me if houses hurt the lightning when lightning hits a house. 

 

The self protecting feelings are the only real danger, the immediate one that's know by feeling. The love for what you think is yours, the arrogance, the giving rise to a boundary that can be hurt by what's outside it. 

 

It's disappointing, the way people react sometimes. What if it was as random as lighting? Patterned but random. What if it had nothing whatsoever to do with me? 

 

Well, Yeahbut, it seems foolish to put oneself "out there". (out where?) You're naïve. https://www.etymonline.com/word/naive

 

naive (adj.)

1650s, "natural, simple, unsophisticated, artless," from French naïve, fem. of naïf, from Old French naif "naive, natural, genuine; just born; foolish, innocent; unspoiled, unworked" (13c.), from Latin nativus "not artificial," also "native, rustic," literally "born, innate, natural" (see native (adj.)). In philosophy, "unreflecting, uncritical" (1895), used of non-philosophers. Related: Naively.

 

That cut through it. 

 

[Mitchel]

@Mandy

 

Thanks! It’s too fun writing on here for me to stay away. 😁

 

[Mandy]

Drama. To act. 

 

Nike. Just Do it. 

 

Nike Goddess of Victory. Statue has no arms and no face. 

 

😂

 

Father - Author

 

Son - Character

 

Holy Ghost- Reader

 

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

https://www.etymonline.com/word/act

 

The root concept of act is of movement. Does Harry Potter move on a broom, a train, do your eyes move on the page, do the pages turn, does JK Rowling's cursor move on her screen, does the pen move on the paper? Is this how magic is made? 

 

Move, from PIE root *meue- "to push away."

 

magic "from Old Persian magush, which is possibly from PIE root *magh- "to be able, have power."

 

 

Maybe I'm amazed.

 

Imagine if Harry Potter realized he was in a story and tried to write himself out of it, who would be writing it all along? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

On 2/28/2024 at 7:12 AM, Mandy said:

 

And don't believe for a moment

that you're healing yourself." -Rumi

 

[Mandy]

Eckhart, ohhhhh Eckhart.

 

 😂

 

*clears throat* *coughs*

 

I'm sorry I got really mad at you the first time I saw you on a screen but the bell is really annoying, if you're already annoyed. It's an emotional guidance thing, I see that now. You completely, well, you, 

 

*coughs*

 

Ok, I'm not sorry. You don't care. You don't know this happened. I don't care. It was a great lesson, but here's the thing Eckhart, 

 

I CARE WHEN PEOPLE GET ANNOYED WITH ME IN THE SAME WAY. I mean, you're Eckhart it's fine for you. But it's not fine for me. 

 

Ok, that's not true, just stop thinking it. Got it. Thanks Eckhart. This is for you. 

 

 

Ask not for whom the bell Tolles. 

[Mandy]

If you want infinite variety... stay with one. 

 

https://ccnmtl.columbia.edu/services/dropoff/china_civ_temp/week03/pdfs/taoteching2.pdf

 

[Mandy]

I keep trying to explain how to do this, but I guess it's something that happens naturally and so explaining it seems foreign. When I journal I will acknowledge thoughts of disconnected things, random events and symbolism, it's basically just the willingness to receive a thought that has nothing to do with why it is I think there's a problem. What I find is that the key is often in these first seeming disconnected thoughts. 

 

I think there is a problem because my kid was excluded from his second group online, and I also feel so

 

bleh, doesn't feel great, feels like running on the treadmill at too fast of a pace when you're just holding on for dear life and dodging the moving belt from throwing you off instead of actually running. 

 

The hairbrush brand is goody, it's right in front of me. 

 

Underneath that the last part of a name reading "rans."

 

"I am" a goody goody. It's the attempt to identify good and therefore hijack the Good.

 

Everything that "makes sense" isn't true, it's just an aligned thought right now. Beliefs are one time use only, disposable, because all a belief is, is a thought you convince yourself you've thought before.  But "before" is a belief too.

 

Seems true. Yeah, I dunno, I'll throw that one like some Styrofoam take out packing too. Or maybe I'll make some modern art out of it, and it will hang on the wall of a art gallery and be restored and revered again and again like the Mona Lisa. 

 

What is fame and recognition but the silly illusion that you've seen it before? 

 

before (adv., prep.)

Old English beforan "in front of, in former times; in the presence of, in front of in time or position," from Proto-Germanic *bi- "by" (see by) + *forana "from the front," adverbial derivative of *fora (from PIE root *per- (1) "forward," hence "in front of, before"). Compare Old Frisian bifara, Old Saxon biforan, Old High German bifora, German bevor.

As a conjunction, "previous to the time when," from c. 1200. Contrasting before and after in illustrations is from Hogarth (1768). Before the mast in old sailing ship jargon in reference to the life of a common sailor is from the place of their berths, in front of the fore-mast. https://www.etymonline.com/word/before

 

Just like the brand name on the hairbrush was "before" me, in front of me. 

 

"Jesus said, "Know what is in front of your face, and what is hidden from you will be disclosed to you."

 

 

 

[Mandy]

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhggggg. Cabin fever. https://www.amazon.com/Cabin-Fever-B-M-Bower/dp/1417914688

 

Stuck with you. Not two. Stuck here. Not two. 

 

It used to be a fantasy, now it's a nightmare. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jul/09/covid-ms-zaandam-cruise-ship-global-pariah

 

4 years ago now, what a crazy, unsure time, mostly coasted through, what did we learn? Does everything have to have expansion, a benefit to it, is everything a lesson? What's happening in Haiti, how insanely lucky and free to move about we really are. I rescheduled the trip I was going to take 4 years ago that was canceled because of covid, only now I'm not going alone and I'm not trying to overcome anything, it's just for the joy of it.

 

That hits the spot. (That's what she said.)

 

I never left. 

 

It's paradise. It's forgotten paradise. 

 

Clarity. Paradise. 

 

I don't believe in Trauma. Adler was right, not Freud. 

 

lol

 

It wasn't a trauma for me. Why do I receive collective traumas? Like the woman driving over the bridge who isn't afraid of bridges? 

 

Because you're a match, vibrating there. It's not circumstantial, it's far more general than that. Insecurity is insecurity. 

 

So why is there relief in fully going into the general drama?

 

You took yourself out of the equation all that was left was appreciation and compassion. You went from specific, me and my March in the rural northern hemisphere to humans have felt this from the beginning of time and the flip side is the fantasy of intimacy, being stranded on an island with someone you could really have a relationship with, but is too busy for you otherwise. 

 

It's not someone else, it's not a romantic interest, it's you.

 

Nothing is romantic is it? 

 

Oh, everything is romantic. 

 

 Boy, you never get anywhere new, but it sure seems like you can approach is from so many different ways. The message is always the same but the JOURNEY. Quite a trip.

 

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE MISSING!  

 

I just commented on the woman who posted the disgusting foot bruise picture who TRIPPED! I didn't want to but intuition made it seem like it was a good idea. She couldn't see what was good, how she was ascending spiritually from doing some sort of spiritual dance and tripping, and not being able to move around because her foot was so hurt. If she can't conceptualized where she was going, she would have seen that it was showing her, she isn't going anywhere. You're really something else, making people go on trips by staying right fucking here. 

 

You don't move. You aren't ever gonna top that hill. 

 

 

😂

[Mandy]

GLORIOUS DISSAPPOINTMENT. 

 

disappoint (v.)

mid-15c., disappointen, "dispossess of appointed office," from dis- "reverse, opposite of" + appoint, or else from Old French desapointer "undo the appointment, remove from office" (14c., Modern French from désappointer). Modern sense of "to frustrate the expectations or desires of" is from late 15c. of persons; of plans, etc., "defeat the realization or fulfillment of," from 1570s, perhaps via a secondary meaning of "fail to keep an appointment."

 

It is ok for people to disappoint me and it is ok for me to disappoint others, because we are never truly the cause of an emotion in another, that's the disappointment, you're no longer the one I appointed to make you happy, and I'm not longer the one appointed to make you happy or explain anything to you.

 

The Katz deli scene is a far better analogy than I initially realized. 

 

Funny how corrections to identification can seem to either be "oh that's me too!" or "oh that's not me". The separation is the only illusion, but sometimes "there's no you" is interpreted in that you're going to be cut in half, or we're just going to ignore one half of the whole from now on, but thought is always presently seeming to draw the line. It's also strange how you can only lead people though by saying, "no, it's the thought occurring now", but in expression, we accidently uncover treasure in trying to dig to fix something else. Like the time my kitchen sink stopped draining and we dug up the backyard to fix it and found an antique Lightning jar. 

 

Sometimes approaches turn this idea into a "way" and they delve and dig around for all the buried hazardous wastes, the stuff we tried to cover over like a cat using a litterbox that stinks, that leaches, the poisons the groundwater. Yet if you try to turn digging up your yard into a career, if you try to fix what ain't broken, you're just gonna have a muddy dug up pit of ground, no matter how free of toxic waste and buried debris it is, you have to leave it alone to let it grow if you want to enjoy it. 

 

The other approach is completely ignoring the sense that there's something off, and refusing to investigate at all. We plant roses on top, but they never thrive. "I wasn't upset by the pandemic. I'm enlightened. There's nothing to see or explore here. It's over anyway." In a way it's true, but there's some appreciation there that wasn't allowed. 

 

Like the willingness to throw up what you previously ate that's never gonna settle and nurture you, there's also willingness to stop wretching when nothing is coming up and to sip some ginger ale and watch TV so everything can settle, so the habitual reflex of throwing everything up can slow down.  Be willing to upset the peace, let go what you called your own, and then let it be. You aren't the keeper of Peace. This is Peace. 

 

I don't know how to coherently explain this. I don't know, when Source is so often pointing to inside jokes, analogies that can't be explained to another. In order to understand the Katz deli reference you both had be in NYC with your conservative inlaws, had a panic attack in Katz deli,  and have seen the scene from when Harry Met Sally, and to have known what Source pointed to with the sick cats that were in the wall you gutted, and.... to explain the inside jokes seems to unwieldy. 

 

For you, to another. But you've been dis-appointed. 

 

Or the heart transplant, the dam and the loud man in the town office. 

 

It's simply looking at what you're attracting, having the curiosity of unwrapping the gifts in the hideous, weird AF wrapping paper. 

 

My son just showed me a youtube video of a guy that turns hazardous chemicals into edible ones. 

 

Are people ready for this? It's so creepy, realizing that separation isn't there.

 

People will never be ready for it. That's why the creepy interpretation.

 

It's arrogance isn't it. Are you ready for this jelly? "I'm too good for you.

 

I'm too Good, ever expanding, there is no you. 

 

Are they asking for it? 

 

Are they asking for love, something deeper and better and less conditional than security, are they asking for the feeling of magic, appreciation and wonder? Is the material chasing inherently fulfilling? 

 

No one cares what you do, so you might as well do the insane, crazy thing, out of daring love, even if it looks like mundanely writing a book. 

 

I have the laptop. But what if I don't have time? 

 

Time is just expansion, it will expand. Doesn't seem like you can give, no one really knows how that works, especially not any woman that's given birth. No clue. 😂 It's ok if some things lapse for a while and you need to recover after. It's ok if you gain some weight. It's ok if the start is the worst part when no one knows, isn't that the best part? 

 

Should this only be explained in general terms? 

 

How do you know general and specific?  "Only general" is a specific. How do you know which is which? 

 

You don't, it just points to feeling and willingness to let go. Specific stories actually work generally, because there isn't a self in them. You aren't the tortoise or the hare, you aren't the little old lady who swallowed the fly. General and specific works because of the self, identification hang up. 

 

So this is YOUR hang up. And you keep telling them it's theirs but that too is your hang up in exclusion of anyone. What if it's no one's hang up? 

 

Then it's not a hang up. 

 

https://www.etymonline.com/word/hang up#:~:text=hang up (v.),)%3B telephone sense by 1911.

 

It's supported only from above. I can't take the suspense. 

 

[Mandy]

I didn't think my art was worth more, nor did I believe that people would be willing to pay more from it, until I saw someone's whose work was what I believed to be not as good of a value as mine, selling quickly for far more to people who adored it. Jealousy is the way out of unworthiness. The people we find ourselves jealous of, we often try to distance ourselves from so as to not feel the sting or insecurity, but they are the ones we should gravitate toward instead. In appreciation there is no felt separation.