Letting the garbage out about my relationship

[grace]

I have to let this out.

 

Things that have hurt me:

 

- He got angry at me for saying I loved him six months into the relationship, told me I had no idea about love. We stopped saying I love you and haven't said it since.

- He told me he wanted to have children but not with me. (During a time we broke up for a while. This hasn't been discussed since.)

- During a fight he said he doesn't feel connected to me and that we've never had a connection. 

- There was a period he wasn't communicating with me but journaling every day. I went and read his journal, in which he had written many mean things about me along the lines of "Grace is so fucking annoying" (none of this communicated to me!)

- In the same journal he had written he wished he had a future with an ex hook up (instead of me) who is a friend he has introduced me to. They are still friends. Idk if he is still upset that he is with me and not with her.

- I have a history of sexual trauma which he is aware of. He gets mad at me if I freeze during sex or don't know what I want.

- He was upset he couldn't fuck every woman.

- When looking at my baby pictures he told me I was an ugly baby!!!!?? (Or "not the prettiest")

 

Other things: 

- I've lent him money for food which he has used on alcohol.

- I've supported him financially a lot. He doesn't always thank me for this or even acknowledge it.

- On our one year anniversary I arranged a surprise for him and wrote him a letter. He didn't give me anything. He said he would reply to my letter later. A year later he hasn't.

- During the time we've known each other, he has missed both of my birthdays. First time, he said he would show up to my gathering but didn't. Second time forgot when my birthday was and went on a trip with friends.

- When we lived together, I did all of our chores. I communicated with him that this makes me feel unloved and undervalued, like my time isn't important. Things didn't change.

 

He hasn't apologized for these past things. He generally doesn't apologize for things because he says in unconditional love you shouldn't have to. 

 

I have tried to have conversations about these things to clear the air and get some clarity, and lighten MY grip on these past things. I don't want to hold grudges.

 

He has been struggling a lot, not feeling well. Which explains these things. This is me writing the most painful things about our relationship. When we're in a light, pleasant feeling we have a good time. I just needed to express. I haven't written down all the great things we have/have had.

[Reena]

Bad signs. Leave him. 

[Enlightened Cat]

In a world where you have to deal with relationships with various other humans, I think it is really worth looking into NPD, the various forms it can manifest, and narcissistic personality structures in general. I am not saying or implying that your relationship involves a narcissist, but even just being able to identify those tendencies can save you from one, and it can even help you notice when you are being gaslighted in general. The mind control techniques of narcissists are the same techniques which are used by anyone who wants to manipulate or gaslight emotionally.

Holding grudges aside, it is very important to diagnose the intentions of his words and actions and then act accordingly from a place where you know what their true intentions are. For example, it is one thing to miss a birthday because you genuinely feel you are busy. It is another thing to miss a birthday because of a desire to emotionally manipulate. The actions are the same, but the intentions indicate more. What are the patterns and intentions, how do they affect you, and is it worth it to work through them?

In my experience, a common "hook" in mind control is a repeated pattern where they do not change, promise to change, then never do it. One day they will say or promise something, then the other day they will do the exact opposite of that, as if a different person. This behaviour repeats itself perpetually in the relationship. It is not amnesia, but deliberate manipulation, and often a feign of ignorance. You can confirm this by observing it happen time and time again. This is just one tactic narcissists tend to use.

Edited January 26 by Enlightened Cat

[Phil]

@grace

There are underlying discordant beliefs about himself. The discord is felt. If the discord is allowed to be fully felt, the discord subsides and there is clarity and he feels better and is more mindful & naturally kind. 

 

By fully felt, I simply mean not doing something else. Just sitting, relaxing, breathing, and feeling. Not talking to you, not engaging in anything at all. No screens, etc.  Literally just sitting, breathing and relaxing. The feeling aspect happens and isn’t a doing. The breathing & relaxing allows thinking to settle, and so feeling is uncovered, unfettered. 

 

Consider, do you want to experience discord, suffering? Of course not. He doesn’t want to either. That’s why he’s avoiding feeling. You can relate whether you are mentally averting from feeling or allowing feeling fully. You, me, him and everybody else are all in that same boat. Some are experiencing denial, some are not. Still, because we’re all in that boat we can all relate. 

 

 

At some point, like we all do, he must be honest with himself that what he’s been doing, which is anything other than ‘sitting with it’, is not working. By not working I mean he must acknowledge the discord is still felt. If he can’t acknowledge discord / suffering is felt, there is too much thought attachment, and therapy or counseling is next. In such a case you will not be able to help and will likely experience denial about this by not listening to feeling, just as he is experiencing denial of that what he wants is feeling (feeling better) & what he’s avoiding is - feeling. 

 

 

Feeling is absolutely unconditional, and therein allows all thinking, even discordant thinking (suffering). This is the evidence of our inherent freedom. That’s what he wants. The more this is done, the more it is found that feeling is love, and this works because love never fails. That’s what he wants. Letting the garbage out. 🙂

[grace]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

@grace

There are underlying discordant beliefs about himself. The discord is felt. If the discord is allowed to be fully felt, the discord subsides and there is clarity and he feels better and is more mindful & naturally kind. 

 

By fully felt, I simply mean not doing something else. Just sitting, relaxing, breathing, and feeling. Not talking to you, not engaging in anything at all. No screens, etc.  Literally just sitting, breathing and relaxing. The feeling aspect happens and isn’t a doing. The breathing & relaxing allows thinking to settle, and so feeling is uncovered, unfettered. 

 

Consider, do you want to experience discord, suffering? Of course not. He doesn’t want to either. That’s why he’s avoiding feeling. You can relate whether you are mentally averting from feeling or allowing feeling fully. You, me, him and everybody else are all in that same boat. Some are experiencing denial, some are not. Still, because we’re all in that boat we can all relate. 

 

 

At some point, like we all do, he must be honest with himself that what he’s been doing, which is anything other than ‘sitting with it’, is not working. By not working I mean he must acknowledge the discord is still felt. If he can’t acknowledge discord / suffering is felt, there is too much thought attachment, and therapy or counseling is next. In such a case you will not be able to help and will likely experience denial about this by not listening to feeling, just as he is experiencing denial of that what he wants is feeling (feeling better) & what he’s avoiding is - feeling. 

 

 

Feeling is absolutely unconditional, and therein allows all thinking, even discordant thinking (suffering). This is the evidence of our inherent freedom. That’s what he wants. The more this is done, the more it is found that feeling is love, and this works because love never fails. That’s what he wants. Letting the garbage out. 🙂

YES. Thank you Phil ❤️

 

He definitely does acknowledge discord. Whenever he is not stuck in his thinking we have a great time.

[grace]

6 hours ago, Enlightened Cat said:

In a world where you have to deal with relationships with various other humans, I think it is really worth looking into NPD, the various forms it can manifest, and narcissistic personality structures in general. I am not saying or implying that your relationship involves a narcissist, but even just being able to identify those tendencies can save you from one, and it can even help you notice when you are being gaslighted in general. The mind control techniques of narcissists are the same techniques which are used by anyone who wants to manipulate or gaslight emotionally.

Holding grudges aside, it is very important to diagnose the intentions of his words and actions and then act accordingly from a place where you know what their true intentions are. For example, it is one thing to miss a birthday because you genuinely feel you are busy. It is another thing to miss a birthday because of a desire to emotionally manipulate. The actions are the same, but the intentions indicate more. What are the patterns and intentions, how do they affect you, and is it worth it to work through them?

In my experience, a common "hook" in mind control is a repeated pattern where they do not change, promise to change, then never do it. One day they will say or promise something, then the other day they will do the exact opposite of that, as if a different person. This behaviour repeats itself perpetually in the relationship. It is not amnesia, but deliberate manipulation, and often a feign of ignorance. You can confirm this by observing it happen time and time again. This is just one tactic narcissists tend to use.

The intentions are not to hurt me. Hurtful actions have come from a place of being stuck in negative thinking. 

[Phil]

3 hours ago, grace said:

YES. Thank you Phil ❤️

 

He definitely does acknowledge discord. Whenever he is not stuck in his thinking we have a great time.

♥️

 

I understand the phrase or reference, but it’s really a one or the other scenario. ‘Being in thinking’ or ‘stuck in thinking’ denotes the separate self of thought, and is a way of masking, not acknowledging the discord is of the thoughts / underlying beliefs, and that’s what’s felt. That make sense?

[grace]

3 hours ago, Phil said:

♥️

 

I understand the phrase or reference, but it’s really a one or the other scenario. ‘Being in thinking’ or ‘stuck in thinking’ denotes the separate self of thought, and is a way of masking, not acknowledging the discord is of the thoughts / underlying beliefs, and that’s what’s felt. That make sense?

Hmm, not quite sure I understand what you mean. Are you saying once you truly acknowledge the discord, you don't fall back into it?

 

What it seems like for me is that we sometimes forget our true nature and believe thoughts, then remember then forget again. And the time we're remembering can grow but it's natural to get stuck even if you've found your way back home before. 

[Phil]

8 minutes ago, grace said:

Hmm, not quite sure I understand what you mean. Are you saying once you truly acknowledge the discord, you don't fall back into it?

The word discord points to how a thought or belief feels.

Discord is not something someone is inside and or outside of. 

 

8 minutes ago, grace said:

 

What it seems like for me is that we sometimes forget our true nature and believe thoughts, then remember then forget again. And the time we're remembering can grow but it's natural to get stuck even if you've found your way back home before. 

Does time grow, or do thoughts obscure? 

Therein, is anyone actually stuck?

Has anyone actually found their (way home)?

[Joseph Maynor]

I have a policy of never lending money to anyone.  That just turns into bad news.  I made this mistake once and never again.  Never got paid back of course.  When someone asks me for money I realize telling them no is better for the relationship than them owing me for a long time and not paying me back too.  Plus their promises to pay you back by a certain time will most likely be broken.  That's why you lent them the money because they said they would pay you back by a certain time but then they breached that agreement.  Now you're pissed off and they're resentful about you having that over them.  It's not fun or good for any relationship to feel like you owe someone something; it feels from their perspective like you have a power over them.  Then you feel like a jerk on some level for asking for the payment which you should already have received.  I'm not an ATM or a bill collector.  It really makes me angry and I feel like that person took advantage of me and also knowing that they weren't going to pay me back timely when they induced my consent to lend.  I felt and still feel used.  And it had a huge negative impact on our relationship.

Edited January 26 by Joseph Maynor

[grace]

5 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

I have a policy of never lending money to anyone.  That just turns into bad news.  I made this mistake once and never again.  Never got paid back of course.  When someone asks me for money I realize telling them no is better for the relationship than them owing me for a long time and not paying me back too.  Plus their promises to pay you back by a certain time will most likely be broken.  That's why you lent them the money because they said they would pay you back by a certain time but then they breached that agreement.  Now you're pissed off and they're resentful about you having that over them.  It's not fun or good for any relationship to feel like you owe someone something; it feels from their perspective like you have a power over them.  Then you feel like a jerk on some level for asking for the payment which you should already have received.  I'm not an ATM or a bill collector.  It really makes me angry and I feel like that person took advantage of me and also knowing that they weren't going to pay me back timely when they induced my consent to lend.  I felt and still feel used.  And it had a huge negative impact on our relationship.

But isn't it kind of different when you're in a relationship? Many women expect men to pay for things for them. I pay for things for him because I have more money.