Craving violence

[Kevin]

I want to preface this post by saying I don’t want to hurt innocent people. I don’t dream about killing people. However I have noticed I have a desire for combat and violence. On the mild end of it I like jiujitsu and wrestling. And I am very aggressive when I train.

 

On the more extreme end I fantasize about going to war. Or killing terrorists who hurt innocent people. Part of the fantasy is being a hero, being strong and being looked up to as a hero for being brave. Sometimes I wish that terrorists would invade America so that I could kill them.

 

to put it in a few words, it feels like a tribal and primal feeling. It occurs strongly in some psychedelic trips. Like my most recent trip as my body because more relaxed I felt like a finely tuned and powerful animal ready for combat.

 

I bring this up because something about it doesn’t quite resonate. I wouldn’t say that this is discordant or painful for me but I would say that it’s not the healthiest thing,

 

for example say I busted into a room and killed terrorists that were torturing someone. Part of me thinks that would be satisfying. But another part of me knows that that would be a traumatic experience. For example Kyle rittenhouse killed two people who were attacking him. If he didn’t do that he’d be dead. The people attacking him deserved it. However that kid has ptsd and nightmares about it.

 

my suspicion is that my natural male instinct to protect and provide for a woman and children is going a little crazy because I don’t have a wife and kids to take care of and I’m 27 with lots of testosterone coursing through my body.

 

Anyway there’s a lot for me to unpack so I thought I’d share.

[Serenity]

Repressed anger in da shadow.

 

😀

[Phil]

Awareness is self-aware. 

Awareness is not aware of, knowing of, nor understanding of itself. 

This is an impossibility, as awareness is infinite, and is already awareness, aware. 

 

“For me”.

That “me” is an idea of a second self; “the knower”.

The knower which knows there is good & bad, such as good & bad people.

Terrorists & hero's. The righteous and the evil doers. 

 

Because the knower knows this, the knower seeks to be good via experience. 

The knower knows there is duality; a self & experience. 

 

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

 

As you said, initially, it could seem as if the exercising of righteousness and punishment therein could satisfy or lead to satisfaction, and wisely it’s noted this doesn’t quite resonate. Perhaps busting into a room, capturing so called “terrorists”, preventing perpetuation of harm rooted only in ignorance, and contributing to the self-realization & well-being of so called “terrorists”, to the extent of no longer believing in an idea of self & therein other, and parts of me as well, and life & death - resonates more deeply still. Providing & protecting, as instinct etc, is personifying the true nature in accordance with an apparent & assumed experience of animals.

 

 

Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.

 

It is love that provides, and nothing more. 

It is love that protects, and nothing more. 

Love never fails. 

 

You are already creating, already attracting.

You are not in as in inside of anything.

Not a universe, not a world, not a country, not a city, not a house, not a body and not a mind. 

You are appearing as; making it seem as if. 

 

Very much so to speak - you’ve checked. Went the distance. I’m not telling you anything you haven’t already verified directly.

So what gives? What’s with the obscuring of what’s been directly verified, prior to all beliefs, all suggestions, all conjecture?

Why does this seeming lack of trust in yourSelf persist?

 

Love. 

 

To withhold your love is to withhold your creating and attracting. It is to swim endlessly wearing a fifty pound vest; when you could be walking on water, and turning water into wine.

 

One ‘get’s in one’s own way’ holding a fear of spiders, of flying, or perhaps believing in conceptualizations like social anxiety. But these are insignificant relative to the withholding of love. These simple fears of conditioning are like a cool breeze, whereas the withholding of your love is like a hurricane - all encompassing & destructive as far as the eye can see. 

 

To acknowledge desire is to acknowledge preference. To acknowledge preference is to acknowledge discord & alignment is felt. To acknowledge the discord & alignment felt, is the acknowledgment of attachment. To acknowledge attachment is to acknowledge underlying clarity. To acknowledge clarity is to acknowledge awareness aware of thought, perception, and sensation. To acknowledge clarity is to acknowledge the true nature and truth of existence. To acknowledge the true nature & truth of existence, is to acknowledge freedom, liberation, wholeness and bliss. 

[Orb]

4 hours ago, Kevin said:

I want to preface this post by saying I don’t want to hurt innocent people. I don’t dream about killing people. However I have noticed I have a desire for combat and violence. On the mild end of it I like jiujitsu and wrestling. And I am very aggressive when I train.

 

On the more extreme end I fantasize about going to war. Or killing terrorists who hurt innocent people. Part of the fantasy is being a hero, being strong and being looked up to as a hero for being brave. Sometimes I wish that terrorists would invade America so that I could kill them.

 

to put it in a few words, it feels like a tribal and primal feeling. It occurs strongly in some psychedelic trips. Like my most recent trip as my body because more relaxed I felt like a finely tuned and powerful animal ready for combat.

 

I bring this up because something about it doesn’t quite resonate. I wouldn’t say that this is discordant or painful for me but I would say that it’s not the healthiest thing,

 

for example say I busted into a room and killed terrorists that were torturing someone. Part of me thinks that would be satisfying. But another part of me knows that that would be a traumatic experience. For example Kyle rittenhouse killed two people who were attacking him. If he didn’t do that he’d be dead. The people attacking him deserved it. However that kid has ptsd and nightmares about it.

 

my suspicion is that my natural male instinct to protect and provide for a woman and children is going a little crazy because I don’t have a wife and kids to take care of and I’m 27 with lots of testosterone coursing through my body.

 

Anyway there’s a lot for me to unpack so I thought I’d share.

Dude! I have felt exactly the same feelings a few days ago. It came through the body intensely and all these discordant thoughts came up, and then it left! 

 

It does seem like a primal form of ego or resistance. 🤔

[Kevin]

13 hours ago, Orb said:

Dude! I have felt exactly the same feelings a few days ago. It came through the body intensely and all these discordant thoughts came up, and then it left! 

 

It does seem like a primal form of ego or resistance. 🤔

I’m glad they left for you. To me it feels partially like something good. Like a natural part of being a man is being a leader and protecting your family and your tribe. I definitely acknowledge that that instinct is being co-opted by anger in my case

[Kevin]

15 hours ago, Serenity said:

Repressed anger in da shadow.

 

😀

It’s possible. Idk though because it doesn’t feel repressed it feels very front and center. Anger, rage, and revenge are very much at the forefront.

[Kevin]

16 hours ago, Phil said:

Awareness is self-aware. 

Awareness is not aware of, knowing of, nor understanding of itself. 

This is an impossibility, as awareness is infinite, and is already awareness, aware. 

 

“For me”.

That “me” is an idea of a second self; “the knower”.

The knower which knows there is good & bad, such as good & bad people.

Terrorists & hero's. The righteous and the evil doers. 

 

So I have a question about this. I went down a rabbit hole about bear behavior and bear attacks months ago. I saw a picture of a man who had is face freshly torn off by a bear. It was horrific to look at but I didn’t feel hate for it. I just viewed it as an animal doing what animals do.

 

Very recently I saw a video from Oct 7 in Israel where a terrorist walks up to a guy bleeding out on the ground and he repeatedly stabbed him. Not to kill him but to torture him. You could see the hate in each stab. He then decapitated him with a shovel. I felt so much hate and disgust seeing that. Feelings I would not have felt watching a bear kill someone. After all the bear is doing what a bear does.

 

Obviously the discord is coming from me judging that act as evil and me judging it and saying it shouldn’t have happened. I don’t feel the discord with the bear because I don’t believe the bear is evil. It’s just an animal. But with the human what am I supposed to do? What am I missing here? Whether or not I judge, terrorists will still torture. Even if I don’t judge it as evil I can still project myself into the shoes of the victim and I can understand how horrible it would be to experience that. 

 

16 hours ago, Phil said:

Because the knower knows this, the knower seeks to be good via experience. 

The knower knows there is duality; a self & experience. 

 

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

 

As you said, initially, it could seem as if the exercising of righteousness and punishment therein could satisfy or lead to satisfaction, and wisely it’s noted this doesn’t quite resonate. Perhaps busting into a room, capturing so called “terrorists”, preventing perpetuation of harm rooted only in ignorance, and contributing to the self-realization & well-being of so called “terrorists”, to the extent of no longer believing in an idea of self & therein other, and parts of me as well, and life & death - resonates more deeply still. Providing & protecting, as instinct etc, is personifying the true nature in accordance with an apparent & assumed experience of animals.

 

Yeah I understand it would be satisfying in the same way “winning” an argument with a family member or friend would be satisfying. It’s actually not satisfying or inherently joyful or fulfilling it’s a very empty and superficial high. It just seems like it’ll be satisfying. I don’t know how to put it better than that but I think you know what I mean.

 

at the end of the last paragraph above are you saying that the true nature is protecting and providing but when I say it’s instinct I’m claiming it and personifying it.

16 hours ago, Phil said:

 

Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.

 

It is love that provides, and nothing more. 

It is love that protects, and nothing more. 

Love never fails. 

 

You are already creating, already attracting.

You are not in as in inside of anything.

Not a universe, not a world, not a country, not a city, not a house, not a body and not a mind. 

You are appearing as; making it seem as if. 

 

it’s still hard to make sense of the cruelty. In my mescaline trip it felt like my reality was melting and it was nice. And sometimes my personality would slightly reform in response to certain stimuli. For example I saw a video of a centipede and I experienced the most visceral feeling of disgust. I’m sure if I saw some form of cruelty I would feel horror and disgust, even if I didn’t judge it as evil. My body would tell me it’s not right.

 

16 hours ago, Phil said:

Very much so to speak - you’ve checked. Went the distance. I’m not telling you anything you haven’t already verified directly.

So what gives? What’s with the obscuring of what’s been directly verified, prior to all beliefs, all suggestions, all conjecture?

Why does this seeming lack of trust in yourSelf persist?

 

I don’t know honestly.

16 hours ago, Phil said:

Love. 

 

To withhold your love is to withhold your creating and attracting. It is to swim endlessly wearing a fifty pound vest; when you could be walking on water, and turning water into wine.

 

I do feel this. To withhold the love makes things harder. I guess I’m supposed to love those I deem to be evil. To judge another as evil is a bit arrogant I’ll admit. However idk what else to do when I see some horrific things.

16 hours ago, Phil said:

One ‘get’s in one’s own way’ holding a fear of spiders, of flying, or perhaps believing in conceptualizations like social anxiety. But these are insignificant relative to the withholding of love. These simple fears of conditioning are like a cool breeze, whereas the withholding of your love is like a hurricane - all encompassing & destructive as far as the eye can see. 

 

To acknowledge desire is to acknowledge preference. To acknowledge preference is to acknowledge discord & alignment is felt. To acknowledge the discord & alignment felt, is the acknowledgment of attachment. To acknowledge attachment is to acknowledge underlying clarity. To acknowledge clarity is to acknowledge awareness aware of thought, perception, and sensation. To acknowledge clarity is to acknowledge the true nature and truth of existence. To acknowledge the true nature & truth of existence, is to acknowledge freedom, liberation, wholeness and bliss. 

I will say that since a few days before my mescaline trip things have felt different. The mescaline trip radically increased the momentum too. I’m feeling so confident compared a month ago. I used to think I needed a woman now I don’t. Now I simply want a woman. And let me tell you things are changing. I had a waitress who was attracted to me but I didn’t ask her out. I regretted that a bit but let it go. And then just an hour ago I got an Uber and the driver was a cute girl who seemed like she liked me so I asked her out and she asked for my number. So it’s off topic from the original post but the girl thing seems to be fixing itself.

[Phil]

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

Obviously the discord is coming from me judging that act as evil and me judging it and saying it shouldn’t have happened. I don’t feel the discord with the bear because I don’t believe the bear is evil. It’s just an animal. But with the human what am I supposed to do? What am I missing here? Whether or not I judge, terrorists will still torture. Even if I don’t judge it as evil I can still project myself into the shoes of the victim and I can understand how horrible it would be to experience that. 

The discord isn’t coming from a me judging. It’s how that belief feels. 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

But with the human what am I supposed to do?

Question the belief in humans. 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

What am I missing here

What’s being added which isn’t true and feels discordant?

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

Yeah I understand it would be satisfying in the same way “winning” an argument with a family member or friend would be satisfying. It’s actually not satisfying or inherently joyful or fulfilling it’s a very empty and superficial high. It just seems like it’ll be satisfying. I don’t know how to put it better than that but I think you know what I mean.

 

at the end of the last paragraph above are you saying that the true nature is protecting and providing but when I say it’s instinct I’m claiming it and personifying it.

Yes exactly. “Instinct” is a psychological mental defense of mistaken identity, a protecting of a separate self, the “one that knows” (that there is instinct).

The underlying assumption is self referential thoughts, like being right, knowing a theory is true, etc, feel better than awareness (of these very beliefs). 

 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

it’s still hard to make sense of the cruelty. In my mescaline trip it felt like my reality was melting and it was nice. And sometimes my personality would slightly reform in response to certain stimuli. For example I saw a video of a centipede and I experienced the most visceral feeling of disgust. I’m sure if I saw some form of cruelty I would feel horror and disgust, even if I didn’t judge it as evil. My body would tell me it’s not right.

It’s not hard to make sense of cruelty, it’s impossible.

Likewise, it’s not hard to know my trip, my personality, feelings, form, evil & right, it’s impossible. 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

I don’t know honestly

Exactly. The humility of truth resonates. It’s discord-free. The arrogance of misidentification, and the justifications & rationalizations of there being “a knower” or “an understander”, not so much. Just doesn’t resonate with innocence. 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

My body would tell me it’s not right

Some thoughts don’t resonate. This doesn’t equate to the body being a knower. 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

I guess I’m supposed to love those I deem to be evil.

That’s trying to bend the spoon, it’s impossible. Instead, try to realize the truth; there aren’t separate selves, there is no evil. 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

To judge another as evil is a bit arrogant I’ll admit. However idk what else to do when I see some horrific things.

Questioning & dispelling beliefs isn’t a doing. Doing is a belief. 

 

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

I will say that since a few days before my mescaline trip things have felt different. The mescaline trip radically increased the momentum too. I’m feeling so confident compared a month ago. I used to think I needed a woman now I don’t. Now I simply want a woman. And let me tell you things are changing. I had a waitress who was attracted to me but I didn’t ask her out. I regretted that a bit but let it go. And then just an hour ago I got an Uber and the driver was a cute girl who seemed like she liked me so I asked her out and she asked for my number. So it’s off topic from the original post but the girl thing seems to be fixing itself.

Awesome. 👊🏼

 

It’s not unrelated. There is no separation. You are the creator of your reality. That this is ‘woo woo’ is just arrogance.  🙂

 

[Kevin]

11 hours ago, Phil said:

The discord isn’t coming from a me judging. It’s how that belief feels. 

 

Question the belief in humans. 

 

What’s being added which isn’t true and feels discordant?

 

i don’t know. I guess thoughts about some people being evil.

11 hours ago, Phil said:

Yes exactly. “Instinct” is a psychological mental defense of mistaken identity, a protecting of a separate self, the “one that knows” (that there is instinct).

The underlying assumption is self referential thoughts, like being right, knowing a theory is true, etc, feel better than awareness (of these very beliefs). 

 

 

It’s not hard to make sense of cruelty, it’s impossible.

Likewise, it’s not hard to know my trip, my personality, feelings, form, evil & right, it’s impossible. 

 

I guess you’re saying I just gotta not try and make sense of it? Kinda like solipsism I guess i can’t make sense of it, I just gotta focus on other things.

11 hours ago, Phil said:

Exactly. The humility of truth resonates. It’s discord-free. The arrogance of misidentification, and the justifications & rationalizations of there being “a knower” or “an understander”, not so much. Just doesn’t resonate with innocence. 

 

Some thoughts don’t resonate. This doesn’t equate to the body being a knower. 

 

That’s trying to bend the spoon, it’s impossible. Instead, try to realize the truth; there aren’t separate selves, there is no evil. 

 

Questioning & dispelling beliefs isn’t a doing. Doing is a belief. 

 

Awesome. 👊🏼

 

It’s not unrelated. There is no separation. You are the creator of your reality. That this is ‘woo woo’ is just arrogance.  🙂

 

Man so today I went to the gym and I was feeling super shy and withdrawn. There were at least 2 cute girls there that I wanted to talk to but I was so focused on thoughts about them not wanted to talk to me or me being weird that the feelings of insecurity were overwhelming.

 

I love when I trip and it feels like my personality structure and habitual behaviors melt away. But it seems like they always come back. Like that confidence I was feeling before is diminished. I can see that I am putting the cart before the horse in the sense that when I was feeling the insecurity at the gym the solution is talk to the girl so I can feel better. And then that thought feels bad because I’m basically giving my happiness away and saying I don’t deserve it unless I talk to that girl. But then why would I talk to that girl when I think I’m a loser and the only way to not feel like a loser is to talk to that girl but girls don’t like losers so I can’t talk to her. Girls like happy guys but I can’t be happy until I talk to that girl and it goes well and it might not go well so I can’t talk to her.

 

sorry about the above paragraph being so ramble but I’ve never actually put that out in words. It totally makes sense why I was feeling so bad earlier. I wish I could be different but it seems like I often revert to this behavior and thought pattern

[Phil]

12 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I wish I could be different but it seems like I often revert to this behavior and thought pattern

These are beliefs, not a second self. 

[Kevin]

5 minutes ago, Phil said:

These are beliefs, not a second self. 

I guess I wish I didn’t believe these things. Life would be so simple. Obviously no one is holding a gun to my head and forcing me to believe in a loser. So I dont know what to do besides cry right now.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I guess I wish I didn’t believe these things.

Not that there’s ’a believer’ at fault but… why?

Why do you wish you didn’t believe these things?

[Kevin]

16 minutes ago, Phil said:

Not that there’s ’a believer’ at fault but… why?

Why do you wish you didn’t believe these things?

Because it’s painful.

 

and actually maybe saying I believe it might be a stretch. It’s more like painful thoughts arise in certain social situations and they seem habitual and out of my control

[Phil]

6 hours ago, Kevin said:

Because it’s painful.

 

and actually maybe saying I believe it might be a stretch. It’s more like painful thoughts arise in certain social situations and they seem habitual and out of my control

Painful, or suffering?

 

Arrogance or humility?

 

Victim or consciously creating your reality?

[Kevin]

8 hours ago, Phil said:

Painful, or suffering?

 

Arrogance or humility?

 

Victim or consciously creating your reality?

Suffering.

 

Its arrogant to assume I know what others are thinking.

 

i would say in situations like I described last night, I was unconsciously creating my reality.