Serenity Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 This journal is dedicated to clearing up the suffering which arises as I feel overwhelmed with the diverse tasks coming up in my daily life. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 9, 2023 Author Share Posted December 9, 2023 Today, I woke up unfathomably late. 11:30 AM I revenge procrastinate a lot at night. Yesterday, I started watching Lady Chatterley's lover (2022) around 11:30 PM and was restless until probably 2:30 AM. Around that time, I had to manage a set of thoughts which went very deep about our shared nature. I remembered I am not the person and I had been doing a pretty good job at self-deception lately. I think it is also due to the fact that I am back home, and spending a lot of time with my family and the friends I grew up with. In my hometown, there is a lot of ego vulnerabilities that can be pressed on, which elicits further unconsciousness. I went very far. And remembered that I'll keep getting further and further and that my identification as an ego will likely come to an end in this lifetime. That "die before you die" saying is to come in due time. Each time, for now it is accompanied with fear. Mostly the fear of turning insane, and be stuck in some unhealthy case of partial awakening/solipsisme. Better safe than sorry. If I feel uncomfortable, I like better to velcrow thought myself back to egoic consciousness and work back from there on the understanding. Which is what happened yesterday night. But around 4-5 AM, I had a nightmare. A really uncomfortable one that I can't fully recall (by choice, I decided not to analyse its message and forget about it, as dream work takes at least 1-2h per dream to dig into). I woke up, slept with the light on, and waited as long as I could before falling asleep again in the hope the dream content would reshuffle itself and I'd not follow up on the same nightmare. I have to monitor my sleep habits and sleep hours. Ideally, I'd go to sleep around 10 PM the latest and wake up early. With 8 hours of sleep, it would mean waking up at 6 AM fully rested. -- Today, I am feeling like crap because of waking up at 11:30. It is 2 PM, and I haven't been working on any of my tasks. I have properly done nothing but writing some unstructured, low investment posts and creating a new journal. I feel disappointed with myself, and worried I am not going to keep getting closer to my goals if I am being that slouchy. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 9, 2023 Author Share Posted December 9, 2023 Tasks for today 4-5 billable hours finish administrative law chapter 3 (2 hours are expected) review contract law chapter 1 untangle my hair, which turned into a bird nest (1/2 hours). At 2 PM, these tasks are already suggesting I am supposed to stay up until 12 AM, and remain at home, on a Saturday night 🙄. And I can't repair the sleep situation (going to sleep at 10 PM), unless I decide on postponing some elements to tomorrow Tasks for tomorrow prepare luggages for travelling on Monday (1 hour max) administrative work (can't quote hours yet) 1 hour private lesson (administrative law) + finishing another chapter (2-3 hours) 1 hour contrat law finish the remaining billable hours I need so I made it to 20 hours this week Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 9, 2023 Author Share Posted December 9, 2023 I feel overwhelmed when all my waking hours are already busy and I am already late on the task schedule like today 🤔. The reason why I absolutely want to stick on that schedule is because of the compound effect. I am afraid that if I slouch and do not fulfill all the said tasks, I am going to fail at harvesting the desired results (which are very important to me). But I also feel like I need to sanitize my sleep pattern and calm down. Is it really that bad if I prioritize sleep and rest over tasks that still have time to be completed on other days 🤔? What is really to be prioritized now is billable hours administrative work luggages hair -- I haven't mentioned it in the other posts, but I really do believe there is a core issue in doing work in the state of mind of lack, stress, and overwelment. Somewhat, sanitizing it has to be the real priority, which is why I opened this journal. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 9, 2023 Author Share Posted December 9, 2023 Alright, I need to go and log off the forum for the time. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 9, 2023 Author Share Posted December 9, 2023 (edited) Stopping for now. I am frustrated, tired, and I've hated dealing with all survival-related things today. I feel a lot of negative energy (financial constraint, powerlessness, anger, resentment, regrets), and I still feel overwhelmed. I feel ungrateful for not appreciating the tasks. Lazy for not making the most of it. A lack of abundance, and some sadness for not using my skills to work on what matters to change the world for the better. I wanted to write a private Instagram post today, but I don't feel like it anymore. I resent my current life situation. The work I'm currently doing for so many hours in my day is so below my intellect (mostly translation in a legal company) that I am abominably bored. And damn, how frustrated I feel sometimes falling prey to that "work culture" mindset, where success is tied to pushing execution like a robot and tying one's self-esteem to it. It's toxic as hell. I hate modern society and its absurdities. I hate how people compete instead of cooperating. I hate how wealth and resources are so poorly distributed. And above all, I hate having to play by the rules of this insane game being played, especially since it's so obvious that it's heading towards collapse. Boooooooh. I want lots of $$$ back. But I don't have the time to make it happen because education still takes most of my free time. And it's okay because I love my education. I love what I can do thanks to it. That said, I would be in a much better place in life I were not forcing myself to sit endless hours for that supplementary degree. LESS THAN TWO MONTHS TO GO I'll be a badass coach and consciousness worker, and while doing this, an awesome lawyer fighting for more awareness. I'LL GET THERE. Edited December 9, 2023 by Serenity Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 9, 2023 Author Share Posted December 9, 2023 Off to bed. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 10, 2023 Author Share Posted December 10, 2023 Going to sleep earlier today was brilliant. I love how fully rested I am. I woke up initially at 4:30AM, and then decided to go back to sleep and put the alarm clock at 9:AM. Definitely, it's something that I want to keep doing. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 10, 2023 Author Share Posted December 10, 2023 2:30 of billable 1 hr of law 3 hours of admin work Where did all these hours go???😳 6:30 of productive work and going to sleep at 11:20. 🤧 Waking up tomorrow at 7AM at most. Goodnight internet Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noomii Posted December 11, 2023 Share Posted December 11, 2023 @Serenity You're doing so good! I want to be this effective too 😂🥲 Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexander Posted December 11, 2023 Share Posted December 11, 2023 @Serenity Sorry for being jealous of you.You actually opened my eyes that I want to do things which I love. Namaste Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Posted December 11, 2023 Share Posted December 11, 2023 8 minutes ago, Alexander said: @Serenity Sorry for being jealous of you.You actually opened my eyes that I want to do things which I love. Namaste 😊❤️🌟 Quote Mention Youtube Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 11, 2023 Author Share Posted December 11, 2023 1 hour ago, noomii said: @Serenity You're doing so good! I want to be this effective too 😂🥲 Thank you for the encouragement @noomii 🤗. Maybe you could create a similar journal for yourself. You surely could do the same 😊. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 11, 2023 Author Share Posted December 11, 2023 1 hour ago, Alexander said: @Serenity Sorry for being jealous of you.You actually opened my eyes that I want to do things which I love. Namaste You don't have to apology for being jealous of me. Feelings are just occurring to us and you aren't or haven't caused me any harm. Though, it's okay too if you wish to apology. Hearing that you feel jealous of me makes me smile. First because I am envious of other people too and then, because being in my own experience, I keep feeling often that I and my life sucks. So I have this idea in the back of my mind that perhaps being envious of Taylor Swift instead of me would be a better choice for you 🤣. Also, congrats for figuring out you want to do things which you love. Though, I didn't do anything for you to open your eyes, you did that alone 🤷♀️☀️🤍. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 29, 2023 Author Share Posted December 29, 2023 I am missing 4.5 hours 2x to fill my hours at work this month. Tomorrow, I'll be working on it in the morning, and it should be the same for Sunday. I am quite proud of myself, as I am doing it all quite effortlessly now. What I do is that in order to do my 20hrs a week, I do usually 3.30 hours every day from 8 to 11:30. Frankly, it isn't that bad. After that, I spend the rest of my time learning the two lectures I have left. They are dense, and very challenging. I work hard because I want to be done and this keep me pushing all the hours I can 😊. Lecture one is 165 pages, 70 pages of cases, probably 500 pages of complementary material and about 100 hours of videos (4x 12 x 2). I've got 26 days left. Lecture two is probably about 500 pages (the whole book is 1000), perhaps 10 pages of cases, 50 hours of videos. I've got 24 days left. This one goes a bit faster. I am repeating it because I FAILED IT last session. 🤣 It was nearly a pass, but still not a pass. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted December 30, 2023 Author Share Posted December 30, 2023 I woke up today at 6 am. Unfortunately, it was way too early, because I went to bed yesterday around midnight. I tried to start my day early but ended going back to sleep and had some difficult two more hours of sleep. Now, it is nearly 11 AM and I am definitely late on my work schedule for today. I've let my mind wander a bit in bed. But mostly, it was because I caught myself having somewhat interesting thoughts and feelings that could be processed. I cried a lot, again. That content would be better suited for my other journal, The Way Home. But there is still a place deep of insecurities, that I am still working on and seems to be finally surfacing up to be cleared. It's not exactly that I haven't been working on it before, but my impression is that the root of this emotional vibration might be finally showing its ugly head. Finger crossed. But I can 100% tell now it has to do with Self-Love, self-talk and my broken heart with... myself. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted January 2 Author Share Posted January 2 I aced that day, baby. 🙌 Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted January 4 Author Share Posted January 4 Aced it again yesterday. (nearly 15 hours of work) Getting a bit tired today. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted January 6 Author Share Posted January 6 On 12/30/2023 at 12:08 AM, Serenity said: After that, I spend the rest of my time learning the two lectures I have left. They are dense, and very challenging. I work hard because I want to be done and this keep me pushing all the hours I can 😊. Lecture one is 165 pages, 70 pages of cases, probably 500 pages of complementary material and about 100 hours of videos (4x 12 x 2). I've got 26 days left. Lecture two is probably about 500 pages (the whole book is 1000), perhaps 10 pages of cases, 50 hours of videos. I've got 24 days left. This one goes a bit faster. I am repeating it because I FAILED IT last session. 🤣 It was nearly a pass, but still not a pass. Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenity Posted January 14 Author Share Posted January 14 Quote Mention “Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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