Hurt °°° Silence°°°stolen°°° Valley Girl

[Reena]

The rape dreams are important. They are a doorway to my subconscious. 

 

They are rooted in my repressed memories or certain aspects of whatever that happened to me when I lost my dad. 

 

[Reena]

There was an old caring father like figure. 

A deeply caring person. Who loves me. He will probably fill the void for a cruel mother. 

 

And that ginger guy. I don't know why I'm looking for his approval. 

 

[Reena]

About my rape dreams - interpretation 

 

Trigger warning 

 

I'm suffering from a problem since over a year now. I constantly get dreams where I have been or being raped. I don't understand why this happens. If anyone has any clue. My reactions to me being raped are two fold - one is where I feel helpless, desperate and pity my self. And it's like some kind of a reliving my helplessness. Like a negative reaction to it. And the second reaction is where I am feeling secure in the arms of the rapist. I know it sounds very absurd. I have spoken to my psychiatrist about this but they simply tried to gloss over it. The security feeling is like this - I feel the rapist would give me food, shelter, clothing, water in return for getting his way with me. I don't understand this feeling. But I don't feel like retaliating him. I don't feel like punishing him. Or escaping him. 

 

 

In my mind the feelings - "I deserve to be raped because nobody wanted me. This is rightfully what should happen to children like me who were abandoned." And then I feel like as long as I serve the needs of the rapist, I don't have to worry about my survival. 

 

What's the root cause of such feelings that make me feel stuck in some type of victimhood story? 

 

Any ideas are welcome. I wasn't sexually abused as a child. 

 

The worst part of this is that I associate rape with security. Why is this absurd corelation in my head when I should literally be thinking the opposite? 

 

 

 

Rape should have created the sense of panic and fear and or "fight mode" in me but it does the opposite. 

 

 

 

It's not soothing yet it feels like the rapist wants me, thus ensuring my survival. 

 

What complex feelings and beliefs or root emotions are breeding these weird mental patterns?

 

 

My own interpretation of my rape dreams - 

 

I think there's a strong component of power association/dissociation going on. It seems like if someone was severely bullied in childhood (which I was), there was a nexus of power established between me and the bully like a bully contract. According to the terms of this contract, my own submission to the bully was equated with my survival. Survival was only possible by pleasing the bully. Satisfaction was reached when the bully was happy. They didn't give me any trouble. This became the survival dynamic in the early years of childhood. 

This established a power-surrender system and feedback loop. Whenever such surrender to the power was achieved, it meant ceasefire and thus relief. This relief meant a "peaceful survival." In Hinduism intercourse is defined as "sanbhog" or "mutual eating."  I think by offering myself as a food to the rapist, it's like seeking the permission of the Devil. Or offering oneself as food to the Devil till they are satisfied. 

 

There are self-sacrificial elements involved. 

 

 

 

 

The bully power nexus aspects get reiterated in adulthood in the sexual context, where the same dynamic as childhood has to be played out. 

This also involves aspects of surrender, submission to the power of something. Slavish aspects! 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

Interpretation of rape dreams. 

 

 

 

 

The bully power nexus aspects get reiterated in adulthood in the sexual context, where the same dynamic as childhood has to be played out. 

This also involves aspects of surrender, submission to the power of something. Slavish aspects! 

 

 

 

Interpretation 2.

 

Sadism, power, control, submission. 

The rapist is seen as a bully. A controller. Sadist. Exploitative.

 

 

Interpretation 3.

Rape also involves intense aggression. 

It means some sort of intense aggression has been involved in childhood. Elements of aggression and control. 

 

 

Interpretation 4

Validation and comfort seeking

Why do I seek the validation of the rapist in my dreams? 

Because in childhood I was supposed to be seeking the validation of an authority figure in a disdainful less respectful ways. 

The rapist is seen as someone very powerful. 

The need to seek the validation of someone so powerful is a source of relief. 

The mind that has been subjected to control seeks excitement in a power differential that is bigger than that found during childhood. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

Interpretation 5

 

 

 

Being validated by the rapist. This is temporary and sets up a very addictive dynamic. This is mental addiction. Just like an addict is looking for a high and then feels stimulated to the high of porn or sugar, initially there is dopamine release. The brain is in the stimulated state. Then it calms down and the stimulation hormones are low. Addiction means the arousal for stimulation happens frequently. Once it has died down, this need remains temporarily satiated until the beast arises again like hunger. Like the addiction to sugar. Once the deprivation is reached, the body once again looks for a high and another "shot." To feel better or excited. Once again the mental addiction to look for the validation of the rapist. The rapist's validation becomes a drug. In order to be validated by him, there has to be submitting to his predation once again. It doesn't feel good if he is unhappy. His satisfaction and validation is the high. 

 

There's a particular slave mentality involved here. "please the master" mentality. 

 

 

I found that this particular aspect was very powerful in my rape dreams. The master slave equation. It was really important to please the master to an addictive degree. It just didn't feel right if this wasn't reached. Like withdrawal symptoms. This addiction to punishment. Everytime I did not feel punished by the rapist, I felt intense frustration and upset, tiredness and feelings of guilt, emptiness or something lacking or insecurity. 

Did not want to be invalidated by the rapist.

 

 

Yea these feelings mimicked withdrawal symptoms. These felt like apathy, listless, dull, bored, lack of motivation, even depressed. Feeling like I'm useless to the rapist. What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he doesn't crave me anymore? Fear of invalidation and abandonment. What if he abandoned me? I would feel terrible. 

 

Whatever self worth I felt, it came from serving myself to him. Being his "food." 

 

He gave me that validation by making me feel wanted even though through coerced means. 

 

It's someone powerful not validating me anymore. He is not satisfied or I didn't do a good job at pleasing him. 

 

 

Interpretation 6

I think my frustration is arising from not being able to integrate this aspect in my life. This rape fantasy aspect. This is a loveless form of sex where the rapist has never shown me tender love or care but used me sexually and made me feel used, humiliated or attacked.

This "attacked" aspect of my life. 

It's difficult to find peace with this aspect. 

I think I should not let it be buried in my subconscious and never address it. Rather integrate it into my life and forgive the rapist for what he does to me in my dreams. 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

Interpretation 7

The aspects of being raped are also associated with the Gaza war or any kind of war. That's why I relate so much to the war. The death of innocence. Knowing that your enemy lives with you. 

 

I think in this rape ideology, I'm imagining that I should forgive my enemy for their unfairness to me. For my own powerlessness. 

 

The resistence to rape will only make it worse. Surrender to it. 

Although it's not an enjoyable experience, it also feels deeply unfair that I'm not being loved. 

Yet. This lovelessness is my shadow. 

 

I expect the rapist to love me. But I have become addicted to his hate. 

 

In his hate I should find love.. 

 

 

 

So I think other fundamental aspect of my rape dreams is that it shows a shadow of love and hate intermingly. 

 

 

I'm associating the rape with me being hated. And I should open my heart to this hate in a Jesus Christ kind of manner. 

 

My rape and rapist is my shadow aspect. Even in this shadow aspect I'm looking for love and not able to make sense of the animosity I have been shown. 

 

What is the rapist saying to me - "I'll destroy you. I'll make you my sex slave. I'll own you. I will torture you." 

He is establishing a chemistry with me but a sado masochistic one. A controlled one. 

His power and viciousness is what I'm attracted to because there in lies my security for life at least in a fictional way. 

 

 

 

 

 

Interpretation 8

 

I'll call this the wild boar aspect of my life. A shadow aspect. This wild boar is a predator.. 

 

This wild boar is a bully. He is a perpetrator. He is oppression. Slavery. 

 

It could be that my ancestry involved slavery and these aspects of slavery were lodged into my subconscious and they continued through samsara or birth cycle. 

And they haunt me now in my dreams. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

Interpretation 9

 

Forgiving the rapist and tolerating the rape. 

 

 

Since I felt powerless and suffered Stockholm Syndrome, and survived and lived with the rapist in my dreams, I was left with a split personality. Psychologically speaking. 

On one hand, part of my personality was seeking tender love. I was extremely compassionate towards anyone who suffered. 

And I break down in tears when someone shows compassion to me. 

 

 

The other part of my split persona was to constantly imagine this act of victimhood and suffering where these images of my suffering at the hands of the rapist constantly arise taunting me, intrusive thoughts, the rapist is always in the background like an enemy sitting there watching me, telling me that I'm weak and helpless. That he hates me. That I need to suck up to him. That I'm his slave. Etc. 

 

Forgiving the rapist. 

 

On one side my subconscious is looking for tender love. The other half is reiterating that something is there that's holding me back. Can this be called subconscious sabotage? I don't know. But it's something. It does feel like sabotaging my spirit. It does feel like some Devil inside/outside of me who makes fun of me. 

 

 

 

 

How to forgive a rapist? 

 

Maybe by sympathizing with him. This is the ultimate. It's tough to do this. How can you forgive those who have done wrong to you? But there's no point in holding anger either. There is nothing to gain. Just let go. 

 

Consider the rapist to be a human being with needs. He has sadistic tendencies. His relief lies in torturing someone. He satisfies his bloodlust by rape, torture and sadistic activities. But nature has allowed this. This is a part of our animalistic tendencies. Nature does not say no to murder. Predator prey murder happens in nature all the time. The mightier wins. Reptilian aspects. Even in nature, the mightier is allowed to fuck the female. It sounds barbaric yet this uncivil part exists in nature just like the wild boar, the hyena, the vulture, all those. The animals are sitting duck to this torture. 

 

 

 

Forgiving the rapist 

Integrate the rapist. The rapist is animalistic. 

Yet the rapist exists of his own volition. 

He is never removed. He is not welcome either. 

Those animals live there. Those animals eat other animals. 

This feeling of being a prey. 

These aspects will always play out in life just like the aspects of hope, empathy, tender love. 

 

Where do we see these aspects? 

We see these aspects in War. Insane Wars. Children dying. Women being raped. War Crimes 

 

Then we can't make sense of senseless torture. 

Yet in that senseless torture we have to still find hope. Raging against the enemy does deliver temporary satisfaction. 

But it doesn't free us from War. 

We think war will never happen. But War is still happening. 

Wars will continue to happen. Also if it's not human war, then it's natural disaster that mimics a War like situation. The same pestilence. The same suffering. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

All my life I have lived in hopelessness. 

 

[Reena]

 

I feel like I am living in a dystopian fantasy. Stage Red survival.

I will call my Rape Dreams - Dystopian Survival. 

Live or Die. Can't complain. 

 

[Phil]

How do you know that’s what you feel like? Aren’t you, you?

Why not acknowledge the emotions experienced?

Try it out. See how it goes…?

What’s one more interpretation really.

[Reena]

First step- to forgive the rapist 

 

Second step - to understand the rapist and his sadistic tendency 

 

Third step - to realize that such aspects exist in life. There is survival as well as death. There is no point in wanting everything to be perfect. The problem lies in expectations. Expectations that we will live in a happy world. This creates dissonance. It creates resistance. Good versus evil. 

 

Fourth step - that evil is a part of life and is here to stay. We can't pray it away. This is life. This is Dystopia. 

 

Fifth step - to liberate oneself from the notion of safety. To be one with un-safety. It's Wild West everywhere. Safety is Utopia. We were never guaranteed safety by any Sugar Daddy or Sky Daddy. 

 

Sixth step - That evil is as much a part of human design as Good is. That's why it doesn't go away. If it dies in one form it emerges in another. This is the Drama of Life. 

 

Last step - to find love within the elements of love. But let evil persist. Don't fight it. It wants to survive along with you. It won't completely destroy you as long as you aren't fighting for it's demolition. What destroys us in the end is calamity and not evil. The strange hatred against evil is because of extreme paranoia and it's not the solution to a peaceful existence because THERE IS NO peaceful existence.

 

Those who love you will always love you unconditionally. They might not destroy evil but they love you. That is God-love. Devilry will stay. But the beauty of love will survive too. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Maybe the rape dreams are a realization that I should simply accept reality. 

[Reena]

 

It's also a part of the reptilian brain. I can also call it tribalism. I might even think or assume that the Aztec lifestyle was close to reptilian behavior. 

This opens up new doors into my psyche. 

Also I shouldn't give up Christianity altogether. 

Christianity is the innocent aspect of the valley Girl. 

 

[Reena]

I should let go of the Gaza thing now. Whatever has to happen will happen. A problem will self correct anyway. If strength exists, it will exist or it will go.. A candle will be blown. Hope will be gone. But if God hears, hope will be back. 

 

After all, God is the creator. Thy will be done. 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Also these could be manifestations of Stockholm Syndrome. It's a disease and it will have symptoms. 

I think rape dreams are a part of this symptoms range. 

I think it's like allergy or Inflammation. It keeps flaring up. 

Every time the stockholm syndrome flares up, there are possibilities of rape dreams and these subconscious symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome playing out. 

 

[Reena]

 

I also know that this is a Stockholm Syndrome thing. But I look at it this way. 

I don't look at it as something I need to get rid of. 

I look at it this way - 

Let's say this rape dream like a bad memory problem. 

It's like I'm having bad memory. Now I try everything in the world and yet it doesn't resolve my bad memory. Obviously  I can't live with a bad memory because it's worsening my daily life with errors and mishaps and probably limiting my capacity and potential. I can't get rid of a "bad memory." Because the memory itself is corrupt. Yet I have to operate with this corrupted disk. I'll have to figure out ways to work around it in such a way that I'm operational despite a bad memory. You get that now. I will have to learn to get back my functionality despite this bad memory. Now I'm not going to gain my functionality 100% back, but I can gain it to a certain extent. That is let's say I was committing 50% errors in any work and now with improved alternatives to assist a bad memory, I'm making 10% errors. So that's a huge improvement. I guess that alone would be more than enough. That's what I'm looking for. 

I don't want to know the suffering of real rape victims. Because that's not solving my problem. That's only making me feel ashamed of something I don't want to be ashamed of. 

I want to treat it my own way which will make it feasible for me to operate despite it existing in the background. I know it's symptomatic of my past abuse lodged in my subconscious mind and it comes back as a haunting in the form of rape dreams yet I also know that this is a diseased part of me that I have to live with just like you live with an amputated leg. You just find ways to circumvent that. 

 

[Reena]

Umm. I can actually have it if I want it. I never felt like I could never have it or feel like it's a fault if I had it. There's an element of sexual repression in me where having sex or at least imagining having sex wouldn't be easy. But I don't feel liberated in my rape dreams. Rather I feel comforted or secured / protected yet controlled very badly. It's always like a hostage situation and I'm surrendering. The surrendering feels good later because the Host seems to be telling me that I did a good job and I sympathize with him since he provides me security and survival. 

Like in the latest dream that was about 2 days ago, I was having an affair with a married man and he was kind to me and extremely sexy. When he tells me that he is not okay being with me because he has a wife, I ask him - "why can't you take care of two women?" to which he gives a nod. And in the middle of the dream, I'm taken away from him by a tall muscular man who looks like an army guy in war, like a police officer with a badge, and he looks intimidating. He takes me to his center or workplace and it looks like a dystopian fantasy where everyone is too strict and crazy like the Nazi and he tell me that he will rape me brutally and tells me that I'll love him more than the first guy. He will make me do it. He will do it through coercion. He will show me what submission means. And I'm filled with fear. And I'm scared and I ask him if he is going to be sadistic with me. And he says yes. He adds that he will be so sadistic that I'll absolutely obey him and will be forced to beg him for mercy and even show perfect obedience. And not just that. He tells me that I'll completely forget the other man and obey him and consider him my new master and that's how he is going to make me love him. I tell him that that's not possible. So he rapes me brutally. He doesn't abandon me. He makes sure that I feel safe that I'm taken care of. When some of the men try to beat me up, he protects me from them by beating them. He does this to show me that he cares about me. In the end of the dream, I'm submitting to him in a subservient way and I forget the first guy and I begin to fall in love with this man. Although I never thought I would. His control makes me do it out of pressure and I get used to it. It's like in every dream, this intimacy is forcefully extricated out of me against my will and the captor or host or rapist is the winner because he wins my love but out of coercion and force. I end up showing him love out of extreme pressure for survival  that induces Stockholm Syndrome and attachment. Like abusive love. 

[Reena]

My dreams were a manifesting of what I had been through. Why did I find comfort in them? 

Because that was the only way to find closure with the cruelty of the situation! 

 

If it did not end well in real life, it at least ended well in my dreams.. 

 

[Reena]

This looks like a great explanation of my rape dream as it corelates to my trauma. 

 

 

I think it was a way to have closure and peace with the abuse I went through. I liken it to something like this. 

Imagine being bullied in high school by some terrible person who tortures you, pours gasoline on you. Makes you suffer. You suffer trauma as a result. Of course the memory is painful. 

Years later when you are all grown up, you get dreams, really bad dreams. In these dreams you're being raped. Man or woman doesn't matter whoever you are. 

The person who is raping you is the same person who poured gasoline on you in high school. Now they are grown up too. But in the dream they torture you  and rape you again. You surrender to this power. Although you escaped them in real life and were terrified of them. But in the dream, you build a sado masochistic relationship with them. You surrender to their power and authority. This sado masochistic relationship helps you heal the trauma you went through with them and because of them. Since you could not find justice and peace with them for what they did, your way to find closure was through these means. In hard core reality you couldn't have expected justice. Yet in the dream world this is possible although not in the perfect way, not in the way you would want it. What's not possible in real life is happening in the dream. They wanted you to submit but you didn't want to. They didn't want to give you closure in real life yet they have to do so in the dream. The karmas of both meet at a perfect point. The manifestation through rape. 

At the end of the brutal act you submit. It's not justice, yet it's closure. They taking care of you or providing you security or survival is probably out of guilt of having tortured you. You submitting to their rape is symbolic of you validating their power and sadistic intent thus satisfying their bloodlust and giving them the closure they needed out of you long time ago during the first encounter. This is not justice, but this is karmic closure. The reality was extremely brutal and takes you the time when bad things happened between you and that person in high school. Yet through the rape, both are able to forgive one another and satisfy each other in half baked ways like a dystopian fantasy. You find comfort in the rapist because they let you feel safe although this wasn't the reality. It's not a happy ending but it's not as brutal as what happened in real life and it's your brain's mechanism to cope with what happened and give it to proper ending in your dreams so your suffering and current trauma  finds subconscious healing through the dream. A sort of reconciliation of what happened without letting your tormentor make it much worse for you and burying the memory of what happened and replacing it with a rape dream thus sealing the wound and not letting it  fester any further. 

This seems like a powerful interpretation given that I'm a child abuse victim and the dream could be significant in trying to heal me. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I think I can call this some kind of a karmic cleansing act. And it makes a lot of sense why I was getting such a dream repeatedly. Now I realize that it was some sort of a karmic cleansing going on. 

 

The rapist was my tormentor in real life or past life. Through raping me he was karmic cleansing himself. 

 

I was karmic cleansing by submitting to him. 

Both were cleansing each other's karma. 

My karma was my trauma. His karma was his guilt.