Hurt °°° Silence°°°stolen°°° Valley Girl

[Reena]

An imaginary girl who was sweet and kind to me. She filled some void inside me. 

The feelings were abstract. They weren't concrete. I felt like I was looking for something I could never find. The valley girl was a girl with a pure heart. 

[Reena]

Either create or accept. 

Every minute we create reality. Dive deeper. What is it that you can repair? 

Sometimes nothing. 

In a minute, everything is silence. Everything is beautiful. 

Humanity is karma. Karma is the energy of creation. 

I'm shifting between states of consciousness. 

 

[Reena]

Humanity is really karma. The purpose of life is to find a home for your heart. Your heart is not happy. It's not fulfilled. All the problems are bothering you. Whatever happens it's not your prerogative to fix things. It's not your job. Bad things will happen. That's fine. The universe will take care of it. There is no need to worry about it. There is no right or wrong about it. Your frame is only human. Not non material. 

[Reena]

Life is deeply unfair and there should be acceptance of this reality. Inability to accept this creates storm and tension. 

 

 

What is the valley girl saying to me - take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. This world will snatch your soul. Your soul family is with you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I had a dream almost like a nightmare. In this dream I was scared of genuinely expressing my emotions. 

 

I said to myself - 

I didn't turn to drug addiction 

I didn't turn to drug addiction. 

 

I also realized for the first time that the deepest root cause of my upset and anger was NEGLECT 

 

I FELT NEGLECTED. 

 

This was the root cause of my abnormal and chaotic behavior and feeling mostly depressed and having that strange void that I often talk about. 

The coldness, the indifference, the neglect. 

Was the source of my pain and anguish. 

 

I feel like this was a supernatural clue to my problems. 

 

[Reena]

 

 

[Phil]

What about present?

[Reena]

22 minutes ago, Phil said:

What about present?

What present? 

[Phil]

Presently. 

As in maybe… other-than thoughts about there being a past or future. 

Just, presently. 

[Reena]

12 minutes ago, Phil said:

Presently. 

As in maybe… other-than thoughts about there being a past or future. 

Just, presently. 

But my dreams and nightmares have their root in my past. Also my psychological issues stem from my past and I am desperately seeking answers for the horrible tragedies I suffered. 

 

[Reena]

@Phil I'm very thankful to you for cooperating me.. I really need it. Your support means a lot for my psychological healing. 

 

[Phil]

🙏🏼♥️

 

But what is it like, noticing the true ‘root’ is the present.

 

As in, these thoughts (dream, nightmare, roots, past, etc) are experienced presently, a present experience. 

[Reena]

5 minutes ago, Phil said:

🙏🏼♥️

 

But what is it like, noticing the true ‘root’ is the present.

 

As in, these thoughts (dream, nightmare, roots, past, etc) are experienced presently, a present experience. 

What do you suggest I do? 

 

[Phil]

39 minutes ago, Reena said:

What do you suggest I do? 

 

🙂

Answer honestly.

 

45 minutes ago, Phil said:

🙏🏼♥️

 

But what is it like, noticing the true ‘root’ is the present.

 

As in, these thoughts (dream, nightmare, roots, past, etc) are experienced presently, a present experience. 

 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Reena said:

What do you suggest I do? 

 

That’s really… “so that I don’t feel”. 

 

So I suggest non-doing. 

Don’t do, say or type anything at all. 

Just sit there and feel (allowing feeling). 

 

Thoughts will arise. Notice. 

No reaction to the thoughts though. 

Just sit there and feel (allow feeling). 

 

Thought about personalities might arise. Notice. 

No reaction to the thoughts though. 

Just sit there and feel (allow feeling). 

 

Thoughts about there being “a past” or “future”, something or somewhere other than the present might arise. Notice. 

No reaction to the thoughts though. 

Just sit there and feel (allow feeling). 

 

Thoughts about how a you has to do something to feel better, or avoid feeling might arise. Notice. 

No reaction to the thoughts though. 

Just sit there and feel (allow feeling). 

 

Thoughts about how there’s a Phil helping might arise. Notice. 

No reaction to the thoughts though. 

Just sit there and feel (allow feeling). 

 

[Reena]

 

I think the purpose of life is experienced at different levels. 

These levels can be called aspects.. 

 

Material aspect. Well being in a material sense. 

Bonding aspect. Family aspect. 

Spiritual aspect 

Supernatural aspect 

Humanitarian

Christianity aspect, religious aspect 

Character aspect. 

 

I think it's like a pyramid, like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

 

Purpose of life is experienced in every minute and every minute is an opportunity to execute this life purpose. I think our entire life journeys are about this life purpose. 

 

So you keep graduating at every level. And you keep building and refining at every level. The universe is always trying to align you to a purpose. And we are always getting distracted from this purpose by the world and our own life circumstances and problems. 

 

 

Edited November 11, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

There are other feelings that accompanied the feeling of NEGLECT. 

feelings like - 

FEAR 

ABANDONMENT 

HOPELESSNESS

FAILURE

DESPERATION 

SELF PITY

SADNESS

NO HAPPINESS 

NO STABILITY 

NO IDEA OF THE FUTURE 

NO SECURITY 

NO GROUNDEDNESS 

FEELING LIKE IM FLOATING LIKE A VAGABOND 

NO HOME 

FEELING LIKE AN ORPHAN

FEELING RAPED LIKE SOMETHING TAKEN FROM ME

FEELING UNLOVED 

NOT FEELING STRONG 

CHAOS

[Reena]

I think these feelings also existed in me due to losing my father at a young age. The feeling of lack of security and helplessness came from there. Knowing that there's not much left without a dad. A dad is generally a security figure. Losing that security. 

 

 

I saw a young ginger guy who was raping me in my dreams. He was a sociopath. 

And I still trusted him believing that he might love me. Despite his obvious coldness. 

 

Did I associate rape and torture with the feeling of security? 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I'm suffering from a problem since over a year now. I constantly get dreams where I have been or being raped. I don't understand why this happens. If anyone has any clue. My reactions to me being raped are two fold - one is where I feel helpless, desperate and pity my self. And it's like some kind of a reliving my helplessness. Like a negative reaction to it. And the second reaction is where I am feeling secure in the arms of the rapist. I know it sounds very absurd. I have spoken to my psychiatrist about this but they simply tried to gloss over it. The security feeling is like this - I feel the rapist would give me food, shelter, clothing, water in return for getting his way with me. I don't understand this feeling. But I don't feel like retaliating him. I don't feel like punishing him. Or escaping him. 

 

 

In my mind the feelings - "I deserve to be raped because nobody wanted me. This is rightfully what should happen to children like me who were abandoned." And then I feel like as long as I serve the needs of the rapist, I don't have to worry about my survival. 

 

What's the root cause of such feelings that make me feel stuck in some type of victimhood story? 

 

I wasn't sexually abused as a child.

[Reena]