why expression doesn't feel good to me

[Blessed2]

Though of course it's the discordant thoughts that doesn't feel good. And not all expression. Like this for example isn't that bad. But very often I have this thought that I should express, that I'm not feeling good and I should express to align. Or that I should have a regular expression routine. And if I don't do it regularly, or if I don't express via journaling or something but watch TV instead, I'm doing something wrong and there is no hope for things to align / get better unless I do the right thing.

 

But basically, the thoughts that feel off are that "I have to express all discordant thoughts / interpretations so that they will be let go. Otherwise I can't heal. And there is so much discordant thoughts that it's like this huge mountain to get over."

 

Like I might take some paper and a pen and sit and try to get all discordant thoughts I notice to the paper. And there is so much of them. And it doesn't feel like a relief, but more like a load of work that needs to be done. Like cleaning a house.

 

Then it (expression) just feels like a chore. It's not done because it feels good / relieving in of itself, but because it's seen as work that needs to be done to let go / feel better.

 

 

And for example right now, I'm kinda trying to make expression "work", I'm trying to find the right thoughts to express and the right words to write. Or the right emotions. I'm trying to get somewhere. Thinking something more needs to be expressed for this suffering to alleviate.

 

 

These interpretations have come about as I've heard expression to be recommended on this forum.

 

 

I'd like to have psychotherapy instead of journaling or something, because in that there is dialogue. It's simple conversation. In that kind of setting the expression comes naturally. But jeez, it's expensive and would require a lot of work and bureucratic shit in regard to welfare for me to get therapy.

[Blessed2]

"It's my fault if I'm not expressing."

 

"It will not be healed and will just come back if I don't express (sucesfully)."

 

"There is no hope if I don't do it."

[Orb]

@Blessed2 I wouldn't go looking for anything that isn't present in this moment right now. 

 

So sometimes a thought will come up about having to express or heal but in the moment nothings coming up and that's okay. 

 

Ime, expression is an in the moment thing, when emotions like sorrow, anger, etc. come up just stay grounded in Being and let it come out, or journal it out, or dance it out or whatever. 

 

But if nothings coming up in the moment there's no need to go digging for stuff, Creation will bring that stuff out eventually, maybe in the form of visiting your family during the holidays lol.

[Blessed2]

2 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Blessed2 I wouldn't go looking for anything that isn't present in this moment right now. 

 

So sometimes a thought will come up about having to express or heal but in the moment nothings coming up and that's okay. 

 

Ime, expression is an in the moment thing, when emotions like sorrow, anger, etc. come up just stay grounded in Being and let it come out, or journal it out, or dance it out or whatever. 

 

But if nothings coming up in the moment there's no need to go digging for stuff, Creation will bring that stuff out eventually, maybe in the form of visiting your family during the holidays lol.

 

But something is coming up at all times...

 

You can't take off feeling like you would take off a jacket.

 

There's some emotion constantly present. Almost always for me, it's a negative emotion.

 

So I'd have to express at all times.

 

I have this thought that if I'm not meditating or expressing etc, I'm not doing anything for what I want (the end of suffering). It's just time wasted. Leaving the "work" for the future. Like every moment is either aversion or alignment.

 

I just don't know how to align. I don't know how to express succesfully. I'm failing miserably in this.

[Blessed2]

I'm also kind of let down by how on this forum it's always suggested to express but it seems to me like very little advice is given as to how to express.

 

"Express emotion". Okay. How?

 

When I do express... If I write... "I am experiencing the emotion disappointment.", no relief is felt. Yet it's said "express the emotion felt and feel the relief".

 

It makes it sound like "just push down the gas pedal and the car will move." But when I do exactly that, press the gas pedal, the car doesn't move.

 

I'd like to have like a spreadsheet kind of a thing. Like literally a "fill in the empty boxes" kind of a deal. I've tried that too, but that doesn't seem to bring any relief either.

[Orb]

15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

But something is coming up at all times...

 

You can't take off feeling like you would take off a jacket.

 

There's some emotion constantly present. Almost always for me, it's a negative emotion.

 

So I'd have to express at all times.

 

I have this thought that if I'm not meditating or expressing etc, I'm not doing anything for what I want (the end of suffering). It's just time wasted. Leaving the "work" for the future. Like every moment is either aversion or alignment.

 

I just don't know how to align. I don't know how to express succesfully. I'm failing miserably in this.

Go step by step: 

 

1st step, recognize the nature of aversion, which is focusing on the thoughts arising about said emotion. Focusing on thoughts about "Me".

 

2nd step, return attention on sensation/feeling/being. Recognize those thoughts do not even touch the real You.

 

3rd step, recognize there actually isn't any suffering, everything is okay and whatever emotion is present is also Being/Love and treasure it, love it. 

 

Earlier today at church a lot of sadness came up, I didn't know why and my body was shaking. Aversion began to sneak in then it was quickly noticed and attention was back on sensation. And the sadness was actually very pleasant. 

 

Every emotion is perfect and is also Love, so when attention is on sensation and the resistance is gone the emotions process much faster.

 

The end of suffering does not mean the end of experiencing the full range of emotion, that will still continue. There just isn't suffering around it and if aversion arises it quickly falls away. 

 

Sounds disappointing maybe for the "seeker" but in reality it's great, it's the magic of creation. 

Edited October 29, 2023 by Orb

[Blessed2]

I'd just like to talk to someone, unbashedly. When I feel like it. Someone who listens and also guides the dialogue.

 

It's silly perhaps, but I would like if Jesus or someone like that would just come meet me and ask what's up.

[Orb]

@Blessed2 the word expression can sound tricky because it means to literally press out, so it sounds like something that must be done somehow, but in reality it's actually "getting out of your own way". 

 

The intelligence you are will naturally express either way, just like how when the clouds are full of water rain falls. 🙂

Edited October 29, 2023 by Orb
More accurate

[Blessed2]

6 minutes ago, Orb said:

Go step by step: 

 

1st step, recognize the nature of aversion, which is focusing on the thoughts arising about said emotion. Focusing on thoughts about "Me".

 

2nd step, return attention on sensation/feeling/being. Recognize those thoughts do not even touch the real You.

 

3rd step, recognize there actually isn't any suffering, everything is okay and whatever emotion is present is also Being/Love and treasure it, love it. 

 

Earlier today at church a lot of sadness came up, I didn't know why and my body was shaking. Aversion began to sneak in then it was quickly noticed and attention was back on sensation. And the sadness was actually very pleasant. 

 

Every emotion is perfect and is also Love, so when attention is on sensation and the resistance is gone the emotions process much faster.

 

The end of suffering does not mean the end of experiencing the full range of emotion, that will still continue. There just isn't suffering around it and if aversion arises it quickly falls away. 

 

Sounds disappointing maybe for the "seeker" but in reality it's great, it's the magic of creation. 

 

Thanks! I'll try that.

 

3 minutes ago, Orb said:

the word expression can sound tricky because it means to literally press out, so it sounds like something that must be done somehow, but in reality it's actually "getting out of your own way". 

 

Yeah, that's kind of how I've interpreted it. Like I'd have to find the "right words" to say or to write, which would then be the success in the expression. Like I'd have to get the emotion "out" somehow. 🤔

 

4 minutes ago, Orb said:

The intelligence you are will naturally express either way, just like how when the clouds are full of water they rain. 🙂

 

But I don't have the time to wait for that. 😭 I need to heal ASAP. Got school tomorrow for example. If I don't feel better, I don't think I can go there and enjoy it one bit. I have to heal emotionally so that I can get through the studies. I have to heal emotionally so that I could have a carreer. That can't happen if I stay like this. I can't procrastinate with this emotional work.

[Orb]

@Blessed2 infinite intelligence is a master of homeostasis, unfettered or not the emotion will change eventually. 

 

But when unfettered by thought identification it unfolds a lot faster, and even with the emotion present it's not a problem at all. 

 

I think there's a belief that eventually with enough emotion work there will never be the experience of what conditioning labels as "negative emotions". This is mistaken. 

 

The true blossoming of emotion work is the absence of resistance to the emotions. And when resistance falls away, aligned thoughts arise and things clear up.

 

And for the school situation, it's okay, whatever happens happens. 

[Orb]

@Blessed2 the fundamental "cure" is recognition that you are not the thoughts arising. 

 

Because if thought identification continues suffering continues regardless of what emotion is present.

 

Ever notice when there's excited emotion present and then a thought creeps in like "how can I feel this forever?" Or "what if it goes away?". 

 

Or when there is anger,sadness,etc it's "how can I make this go away?" "This sucks". 

 

This is the suffering.

Edited October 29, 2023 by Orb

[Mandy]

I just wrote a bunch of different analogies, but I erased them because I think this one is best. Sorry it's so crude. 😂 It's like having to poop. You can't just poop at any old time, but if you keep putting off pooping when you feel like you need to poop, you're gonna feel awful. And there's an awful lot of people who think or are incentivized to believe that they can just put off expression. No one schedules pooping into their day. Meditation is nicely scheduled, like brushing your teeth, or meals even. No one needs to know how to poop. It's just whatever comes out. Unlike pooping with journaling some of it is pretty good, and some is just... poop. Like a kid that swallowed your gold jewelry or something. Such an awful analogy getting even worse, I apologize. 😆

 

There's Betterhelp or other options if you'd rather talk to an actual therapist, that would be great. Or if you want to talk to any old person, I don't think you've ever actually skyped with anyone here or joined the zoom calls, forgive me if I'm wrong? Maybe you just want to talk to someone, it's not a whole thing to make it happen. 

Or talk in front of a camera, and delete it, or watch it again if you like. Or call a friend of family member that you feel you can be open with. Often strangers you feel some sort of safety with are better though. Or just draw whatever comes to mind. Or randomly write down words that feel good to you. 

 

Whatever idea occurs to you and feels good is the best one. There's toilets with bidets, toilets without bidets, upstairs toilets, downstairs toilets, outhouses, compostable toilets, the woods, lots of options. 🙂

[Mandy]

Oh, my kids are watching a movie, and I just heard this play on words. Duty sounds like doody. It isn't your duty to express, it's your doody. 

 

(Source is sooo immature! 🙄😂)

[Blessed2]

😭😞

[Blessed2]

5 hours ago, Orb said:

And for the school situation, it's okay, whatever happens happens. 

 

I have to make it work.

 

If I don't get these studies done, I won't have an another chance.

 

Then I'd have nothing but the basic education. And I'd be in student debt.

 

That would basically mean working in a grocery shop or McDonalds.

 

And even that I'm not cabable of. Too depressed.

[Blessed2]

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

I just wrote a bunch of different analogies, but I erased them because I think this one is best. Sorry it's so crude. 😂 It's like having to poop. You can't just poop at any old time, but if you keep putting off pooping when you feel like you need to poop, you're gonna feel awful. And there's an awful lot of people who think or are incentivized to believe that they can just put off expression. No one schedules pooping into their day. Meditation is nicely scheduled, like brushing your teeth, or meals even. No one needs to know how to poop. It's just whatever comes out. Unlike pooping with journaling some of it is pretty good, and some is just... poop. Like a kid that swallowed your gold jewelry or something. Such an awful analogy getting even worse, I apologize. 😆

 

Love it.

 

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

There's Betterhelp or other options if you'd rather talk to an actual therapist, that would be great.

 

I don't have the money. ☹️

 

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

Or if you want to talk to any old person, I don't think you've ever actually skyped with anyone here or joined the zoom calls, forgive me if I'm wrong?

 

I have a few times, just been lurking with the camera off. Insecure about my english. Or, "iM ExPeRiEnCinG tHe EmOtIoN iNsEcUrItY" 🤡

 

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

Or talk in front of a camera, and delete it, or watch it again if you like.

 

I've had that idea, but I'd just sit there trying to come up with something to say while the discord intensifies as I don't have anything to say and even if I try to say something, I just feel worse. Like a dog chasing it's tail.

 

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

Or call a friend of family member that you feel you can be open with.

 

There isn't anybody like that.

 

Especially not my parents. It's like they cannot see talking just for the sake of talking right now as anything. It's like do whatever it takes to get better so that you can then have a carreer. It's like that's all they want to see from me, that I'm well enough to work / have life in order. That's the only goal. That's what it means to be well for them. And I believe the same. So I'm probably projecting at least some.

 

 

[Orb]

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

I have to make it work.

 

If I don't get these studies done, I won't have an another chance.

 

Then I'd have nothing but the basic education. And I'd be in student debt.

 

That would basically mean working in a grocery shop or McDonalds.

 

And even that I'm not cabable of. Too depressed.

The studies can be done while emotions are arising. You can't avoid it anyways. 🙂

 

Remember in regard to emotion work the only way to go is to not resist and stay meditative, stay grounded in Being. There's not gonna be any permanent ultimate super awesome emotion that makes all the daily challenges of life go away. But Being is eternal, and enjoying the different flavors (emotion) is key imo. 

 

Emotion is unconditional love. 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 If you had $2000 for spending (not on bills or loans), what would you spend the money on? 

[Alexander]

56 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2 If you had $2000 for spending (not on bills or loans), what would you spend the money on? 

I will buy gym equipment easy.

[Mandy]

1 minute ago, Alexander said:

I will buy gym equipment easy.

Why don't you look for a job in a gym? Or something similar. Work towards becoming a personal trainer maybe?