How I changed my life overnight (and gave myself kundalini syndrome)

[spiritual dreams]

I've just had the craziest experience.

 

First some background info:

When I was a child, there was a period where my parents for pretty physically and mentally abusive to me due to financial stress and mental health issues. As I became a teenager, my mum read some parenting books and became much more loving and supportive to me but the damage had already been done. Pretty much all of my traumas and mental health issues can be traced back to those years. One defence mechanism I had was an inability to be my authentic self around my family (and anyone really).

 

A few years ago when I used to do psychedelics. I had an LSD trip go horrifically wrong. I did 200ug of LSD alone in a slightly bad mental state.  During the trip I lost touch with reality and in thinking that reality was some kind of dream I had to escape, I left my house and walked in front of a car. I then crawled onto the pavement and passed and and was taken to the hospital. Luckily I wasn't injured at all and I managed to walk home from hospital that same night but it was a horrifically traumatizing experience. My parents never found out and I had kept it a secret for 3 years, just like many secrets I keep from my parents. My mother is so much kinder now than she was before and she always tells me how much she loves me and how proud of me she is. This only makes my guilt worse.

 

Over the past year, I have been doing internal family systems intensively and It has healed me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. While doing IFS, after unburdening certain parts I would notice an energy moving upwards. I recognised this as kundalini energy and moved it towards my crown chakra.

 

Now for the juicy bit

About a week ago, I was doing IFS work on my throat chakra when a part came up that really wanted me to tell my parents about my LSD disaster. Immediately I was hit with overwhelming anxiety, since the idea of telling my mum about that terrified every inch of my being. The more I tried to suppress it, the more it grew stronger. I decided to look into It with curiosity and realised that the defence mechanism that made my hide everything from my parents was preventing me from being authentic with other people and would ruin my relationships for the rest of my life. I decided that I would one day tell my parents in the future and went to sleep but the next day the urge came back so intensely that I couldn’t work properly. I decided I had to go home and tell my parents about everything.

 

On my way home, I felt unbelievable anxiety but also a strange sense of calm, like I was soon going to be free. When I came home, I took my mother into my room and told her everything. I told her about the LSD disaster, and how I was scared to tell her. That I was not the perfect son she thought I was. She was initially very worried but instead of flipping out, she told me she was just glad I’m ok and that she still loves me no matter what. Immediately I broke down and started crying. Decades of trauma got released and we both hugged and cried in each others arms. I felt all my insecurities, neuroses, and ego defenses dissolve in that moment. I cried and cried and told my mother every bad thing that I had done. And she told me it was ok. I told her about my childhood trauma from the way she and my father treated me during my childhood and she cried and apologized for everything she had done and asked me to forgive her which I did. I told her about every bad thing I did and all my insecurities like being a virgin and not being able to get a girlfriend. She told me she loves me no matter what. Afterwards I laid in my bed and felt my entire personality change. All my insecurity and depression and anxiety disappeared and I cried and cried. I then told my sister everything and she was pretty chill about it.

 

When my father came home, I also told him about everything. He forgave me for my drug use and after some initial resistance he apologized for the way he treated me as a child. He also apologized to my sister for the way he treated her and promised to become a better person. That night I noticed an extreme sensitivity to stimuli and feeling an insane kind of awareness.

The next day when I woke up, I felt pretty horrible, traumas from my childhood began arising. I noticed an intense overwhelming sense of despair which almost gave me a panic attack. I used IFS methods to heal this despair but still felt a bit shitty. I had a conversation with my mother and she showed my some family pictures from my childhood. In those pictures I was a happy child in a beautiful family. I saw pictures of my relatives and my family before I was born and it was beautiful. Suddenly faint childhood memories of joy and happiness flooded me and I realised that the childhood I had repressed actually contained moments of amazing joy and happiness. And that my family was not always broken and neurotic. Sure, there were some issues but there was genuine love and happiness at some points. At this point I felt my entire personality change. It felt like this huge emotional block had been lifted and I was able to feel childhood joy and wonder. All the mental blocks and family issues dissolved in that moment and I knew my life would never be the same.

 

That day I was plagued by intense negative intrusive thoughts and emotions, like a nuclear ego backlash. I also felt extremely heightened awareness and sensitivity to peoples energy. I also had crazy spiritual awakenings and feelings of bliss. I began to feel very ungrounded and started having delusional thoughts. After a few days It got too much and I knew something was wrong. I realised I had kundalini syndrome. For a few days I freaked out and felt like I was going crazy but after reading some books on it and doing some grounding exercises. It’s a lot more stabilised now. I feel much more grounded now and the negative emotions are easier to see through and heal. I realised that all my negative thoughts and emotions were already there before my awakening. It’s just that the heightened awareness is bringing it to the surface.

 

I feel like in the long term this will be very beneficial to my life. I already feel more confident and speaking with strangers is effortless now. I also am no longer ashamed of being a virgin and my scarcity mindset is completely gone. I’m also more perceptive to the energy of others and I feel like the energy I give off is much more positive now. In fact strangers sometimes smile at me or try to make conversation and animals seem to like me more.

 

 Its going to me a long and difficult journey ahead but I am extremely grateful this has happened. I’ve spent most of my life desperately wishing for the strength to change and now I finally have it. Only problem is that I’ve got to confront all of my demons. I feel like my life is going to be a lot more interesting!

 

 

Thanks for listening to my ted talk. If anyone else has experienced something similar or has any general comments I’d love to hear about it!

[Phil]

So beautiful & great to hear. Thanks for sharing that. 

[Mandy]

❤️

 

It's awesome that you opened up to your family. Going forward though, know that it's very common to hijack the desire for expression and turn it into the concept of confession. Expression is free, it doesn't seek to get relief in the future, on the condition of another's knowledge, acceptance or approval. Confession assumes guilt and unworthiness, so you can see why there will be might be some fallout from it, some discord lingering rather than the perfect relief of getting the thing off your chest. Practice expression, and realize that you don't need to confess a thing to anyone. Purity is not something that we can obtain or become, it just is unto itself. You can get out ahead of it before it becomes a weight at all, it's the lack of thoughts that create the avoidance of talking about a thing in the first place. Then expression just is, and there's no need for confession. There's never anything buried that needs to be unearthed, no one metaphorically murdered, so no need to hide the metaphorical skeletons in the closet. 

 

Also,  this might sound really random but make sure you're getting magnesium, zinc and B12, these common deficiencies (because of our current food system) manifest in some as intrusive thoughts. 

[spiritual dreams]

2 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Expression is free, it doesn't seek to get relief in the future, on the condition of another's knowledge, acceptance or approval. Confession assumes guilt and unworthiness, so you can see why there will be might be some fallout from it, some discord lingering rather than the perfect relief of getting the thing off your chest.

Yep, I guess confession was because I wanted to break the belief that if my mother knew the things I had done, her love for me would be different. It feels so free telling her about the way I was and the way I actually am. She still doesn't really understand my spiritual journey but she supports me anyway. I feel like I can finally express the real me now.

 

6 minutes ago, Mandy said:

 

Also,  this might sound really random but make sure you're getting magnesium, zinc and B12, these common deficiencies (because of our current food system) manifest in some as intrusive thoughts. 

This is actually really helpful. Thanks!

 

[Phil]

@spiritual dreams

You don’t either! 😉 

 

Impossible to meet standards and expectations (suffering)… 

[Jonas Long]

I'll say it here too, guys in their mid 20s are cursed with the burden of believing they are actually the most interesting person in the world.  It'll pass, fortunately. 

[spiritual dreams]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

You don’t either! 😉 

 

huh?

[Phil]

7 hours ago, spiritual dreams said:

She still doesn't really understand my spiritual journey

 

[spiritual dreams]

@Phil ah yep that's probably true

[Phil]

@spiritual dreams

It’d be impossible. 🤍