Lets get Weird (Sexually Dysfunctional Behaviors & Thoughts)

[Kevin]

On 7/8/2023 at 4:46 PM, Orb said:

As meditation,  TRE sometimes, and emotional expression unfolds a lot of stuff is let go. 

 

But as stuff is let go, the few "Hindrances" that remain become louder and louder. 

 

In this experience there's 2 main hindrances left, these are the 2 behavioral dysfunctions that hold me back from feeling comfortable guiding people to awakening or starting a YouTube channel on spirituality. These are the hindrances that must be healed otherwise abusive/manipulative behavior can result. I don't want to be a "teacher" who ends up fucking his students or something weird like that, there's been many of those cases namely with a well known zen master (I believe his name was Maezumi Roshi). 

 

The 2 hindrances are Substance use and Sexually Dysfunctional behavior. 

 

If these 2 behaviors no longer occurred life would be a lot more peaceful, a lot more aligned, a lot more congruent with the true nature. 

 

So I decided to vent on the sexuality issue on this thread: 

 

So first of all I have an insanely huge sexual appetite, I masturbate up to 9 times per day. Ive masturbated so much that I injured my penis (lol) and I still keep going!! 

 

When I try to stop masturbating or watching porn I can't sleep and the cravings get so intense that my groin is literally aching. The last time I tried to stop was a few weeks ago, I made it to 3 days without masturbating and then my groin started aching, my balls hurt, and I couldn't sleep all night! Maybe I gotta see a doctor?

 

On top of that during those 3 days the sexual thoughts were very intense and I was desperate for sex. I have moments where I'll get on dating apps and try to hookup with girls. 

 

I almost met a girl for sex a few days ago but in a moment of sheer willpower I blocked her and deleted my dating profile (I ended up regretting it the next day lol).

 

Im not sure where this behavior is rooted in. I experienced sexual abuse when I was younger from a woman, maybe that shaped my perception on sexuality? 

 

Everyday I don't masturbate for the first few hours of the day, usually Ill meditate and everything is relaxed with no subject or object. Then sexual fantasies start arising and I enjoy them, I really get into them, I savor them, and then I look forward to masturbating. Then I go off the rails and don't feel good. 

 

There's something not right about it, I don't care if it sounds judgmental. 

 

There's something incongruent about meditating and tapping into This and the Vastness or Awareness, and then jerking off to gangbang videos for the rest of the day. 

 

I mean, imagine Rupert Spira doing a satsang and then going to his room to jerk off to a bangbros video... Like somethings not right about that lol....

 

So yea, any advice or opinions are appreciated. I figured by bringing this subject out into the light by sharing it here things will clarify. 

 

I also feel a bit frustrated because im really horny everyday but at the same time im not able to get a gf right now, its hard to stop masturbating in order to wait for my gf or future wife.

 

Ideally, I want to have sex with my future wife but I can't handle masturbation or porn, I end up jerking off to it like 9 times per day. 

 

As I said in the title, this is weird territory, but I find it's actually good to share this kind of stuff so people dealing with similar stuff aren't scared to open up anymore. 

 

It's really this and substance use that's the only stuff that feels incongruent with what's pointed to in this community. The substance use issue is resolving itself though. 

My main question is why were you resistant to hooking up with that girl? Do you believe there is something wrong with casual sex.

 

As for the sexual habits your disatisfied with, I would suggest more acceptance and less resistance to those behaviors. Sorry I know that probably doesn’t sound like great advice but I’ve been through phases like what you are describing and I think what kept them going was my resisting them. As I became more accepting of these sexual habits that I deemed dysfunctional, they lost a lot of steam.

 

Also much respect for being so honest about yourself. It is hard to do. 

[Orb]

@Kevin Honestly I didnt wanna get an std by going off the rails lol. Thanks for the advice and kind words, things are clarifying over here, I find that meditation done consistently over multiple days really quiets down thought, which helps a lot. 

[Orb]

@Blessed2 Im gonna be so busy that I probably won't even have time to think about jerking off. So im grateful for "the struggle" lol, in a way it's exactly what I want. 

 

@Phil I honestly didnt understand what you meant when you sent these posts in the beginning but then it was all transmitted to me instantly and I was like oh shit that's exactly it!

[Kevin]

12 hours ago, Orb said:

@Kevin Honestly I didnt wanna get an std by going off the rails lol. Thanks for the advice and kind words, things are clarifying over here, I find that meditation done consistently over multiple days really quiets down thought, which helps a lot. 

Really glad to hear you’re doing better.