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Lets get Weird (Sexually Dysfunctional Behaviors & Thoughts)


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As meditation,  TRE sometimes, and emotional expression unfolds a lot of stuff is let go. 

 

But as stuff is let go, the few "Hindrances" that remain become louder and louder. 

 

In this experience there's 2 main hindrances left, these are the 2 behavioral dysfunctions that hold me back from feeling comfortable guiding people to awakening or starting a YouTube channel on spirituality. These are the hindrances that must be healed otherwise abusive/manipulative behavior can result. I don't want to be a "teacher" who ends up fucking his students or something weird like that, there's been many of those cases namely with a well known zen master (I believe his name was Maezumi Roshi). 

 

The 2 hindrances are Substance use and Sexually Dysfunctional behavior. 

 

If these 2 behaviors no longer occurred life would be a lot more peaceful, a lot more aligned, a lot more congruent with the true nature. 

 

So I decided to vent on the sexuality issue on this thread: 

 

So first of all I have an insanely huge sexual appetite, I masturbate up to 9 times per day. Ive masturbated so much that I injured my penis (lol) and I still keep going!! 

 

When I try to stop masturbating or watching porn I can't sleep and the cravings get so intense that my groin is literally aching. The last time I tried to stop was a few weeks ago, I made it to 3 days without masturbating and then my groin started aching, my balls hurt, and I couldn't sleep all night! Maybe I gotta see a doctor?

 

On top of that during those 3 days the sexual thoughts were very intense and I was desperate for sex. I have moments where I'll get on dating apps and try to hookup with girls. 

 

I almost met a girl for sex a few days ago but in a moment of sheer willpower I blocked her and deleted my dating profile (I ended up regretting it the next day lol).

 

Im not sure where this behavior is rooted in. I experienced sexual abuse when I was younger from a woman, maybe that shaped my perception on sexuality? 

 

Everyday I don't masturbate for the first few hours of the day, usually Ill meditate and everything is relaxed with no subject or object. Then sexual fantasies start arising and I enjoy them, I really get into them, I savor them, and then I look forward to masturbating. Then I go off the rails and don't feel good. 

 

There's something not right about it, I don't care if it sounds judgmental. 

 

There's something incongruent about meditating and tapping into This and the Vastness or Awareness, and then jerking off to gangbang videos for the rest of the day. 

 

I mean, imagine Rupert Spira doing a satsang and then going to his room to jerk off to a bangbros video... Like somethings not right about that lol....

 

So yea, any advice or opinions are appreciated. I figured by bringing this subject out into the light by sharing it here things will clarify. 

 

I also feel a bit frustrated because im really horny everyday but at the same time im not able to get a gf right now, its hard to stop masturbating in order to wait for my gf or future wife.

 

Ideally, I want to have sex with my future wife but I can't handle masturbation or porn, I end up jerking off to it like 9 times per day. 

 

As I said in the title, this is weird territory, but I find it's actually good to share this kind of stuff so people dealing with similar stuff aren't scared to open up anymore. 

 

It's really this and substance use that's the only stuff that feels incongruent with what's pointed to in this community. The substance use issue is resolving itself though. 

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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6 hours ago, Orb said:

In this experience there's 2 main hindrances left, these are the 2 behavioral dysfunctions that hold me back from feeling comfortable guiding people to awakening or starting a YouTube channel on spirituality. These are the hindrances that must be healed otherwise abusive/manipulative behavior can result. I don't want to be a "teacher" who ends up fucking his students or something weird like that, there's been many of those cases namely with a well known zen master (I believe his name was Maezumi Roshi). 

 

Start the youtube channel now if you want to. For expression. For teaching yourself what you want to learn.

 

Being a teacher feels like shit.

 

7 hours ago, Orb said:

There's something not right about it, I don't care if it sounds judgmental. 

 

Good! Don't give a shit if it sounds judgemental. That would just be more judgement. But how does it feel? The belief that something is wrong with it?

 

7 hours ago, Orb said:

I mean, imagine Rupert Spira doing a satsang and then going to his room to jerk off to a bangbros video... Like somethings not right about that lol....

 

Questioning this is a good place to start. You say 'somethings not right about that', which means, you feel somethings off. What emotions are you experiencing in regard to this?

 

There must be an effortless way.

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What I hear when I read what you wrote is that a lot of the discordance is with spirituality rather than sex. Nonduality/spirituality being assumed or believed to be religious and moral with role models to become like. That's going to get in the way of feeling the direct guidance. Do what you want to do, write it focus on it, don't look at the hypocrisy between aspiring to be spiritual and doing other things, that creates the back and forth pendulum swing, which is all the spirituality, nonduality is inviting you to watch. It's not a fix. It won't fix it. Just watch those thoughts ping back and forth, don't be so caught in forcing them to go to all on one side when you can't even decide which side you want them on. Nonduality suggests there aren't two sides, the back and forth isn't real, investigate it. 

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What if you're good the way you are, without the girlfriend, without the wife, without the spiritual advancement/peace/whatever, without quitting habits, just in this moment, good, just as you are. What would you do, what would you create just for and out of the sheer joy of it? 

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@Blessed2 I'd say there's disappointment. Also feelings of inadequacy.

 

@Mandy I would want to fast and pray for many days. I actually want to experience withdrawals, I want to feel all of the numbed emotions.

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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@Mandy a water fast is extremely healing. And you have to fast for at least 24 hours to begin feeling the full detoxification effects. 

 

I also don't eat food for a couple hours everyday already but that's not long enough to enter into ketosis or to begin getting the autophagy benefits. 

 

Once you begin fasting for 24 hours, your brain begins to generate 3.5× more BDNF, which is a chemical that grows new neurons in the brain. Your body also begins to undergo autophagy, which is when cells begin to cleanse themselves. Autohpagy increases by 300% during a water fast. 

 

So essentially, it's really healing. 

 

And it's also not as difficult as I once thought, the only thing that trips me off is drinking caffeine, caffeine ironically makes me more hungry during fasts.

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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@Blessed2 and yea maybe making a channel just documenting my experience with the path will be what i end up allowing.

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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17 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Orb Ok, but identification and disowning oneself (same coin) attracts extremes, so there's eating disorder and spiritual practice, the that "fine line" is suffering or curiosity and joy. Eat to fuel creativity and joy, refrain for creativity and joy.  

I don't like slow forms of healing they don't work for me. I've tried them hundreds of times.

 

There's also more complexity to this than meets the eye. If I'm gonna detox I'd rather do it with ketones as the main fuel source of this body.

Edited by Orb

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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1 hour ago, Orb said:

I don't like slow forms of healing they don't work for me. I've tried them hundreds of times.

 

There's also more complexity to this than meets the eye. If I'm gonna detox I'd rather do it with ketones as the main fuel source of this body.

So when you skin your knee you watch a youtube video with some popular buzz word and do what it says, and it heals before your own eyes? Or has healing always happened slowly, or rather when we aren't trying to force it to be? 

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1 hour ago, Mandy said:

So when you skin your knee you watch a youtube video with some popular buzz word and do what it says, and it heals before your own eyes? Or has healing always happened slowly, or rather when we aren't trying to force it to be? 

The timing of the healing is very relative, when I want faster healing I don't mean immediate, I mean in days instead of months. 

 

That slow and steady stuff is nonsense to me. In fact I often use that as an excuse to continue my dysfunctional behaviors. 

 

Everytime I have stopped a behavior like vaping (which I've been off of for months now) and phenibut (which I've been off of for years) it has always been a deliberate choice that I made and cut it off immediately. It was never a gradual thing.

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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@Alexander I have never said I was perfect on this forum or acted like it lol. Although I do appreciate the advice to get some outside help.

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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One of the best contemplation practices:

 

> Go outside an find a relaxing place in nature, where there are also ants walking around in the ground.

 

> Notice the ants are enlightened. Literally.

 

> Enjoy life.

 

 

His disciples said to him: “When will the resurrection of the dead take place, and when will the new world come?”

He said to them: “That resurrection which you are awaiting has already come, but you do not recognize it.”

 

There must be an effortless way.

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1 minute ago, Blessed2 said:

What if you start a youtube channel but just lie your ass off? Hide all the problems and act as if you were some perfect enlightened guru.

I would feel horrible lol

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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27 minutes ago, Orb said:

I would feel horrible lol

 

😁

 

About the masturbation... How about not trying to quit, resist and judge etc, but kinda the other way? How about getting more mindful and playful with it?

 

I mean, choose in advance the time when you're going to do it. Set aside an entire hour or two, just for sexy times. Take a shower before it, buy a pair of comfy clothes just for masturbation. Pants you can cum into if you feel like it. Buy some new sex toys, just to experience more. Maybe do it with a weirdly shaped too small or too big condom, just for the sake of a different, refreshing experience. See if you can suck your own nipples. Play with an ice cube or whipped cream. Stuff like that. Get creative and playful with it, rather than just doing it the same way over and over. I bet that would bring some more clarity.

 

Not that I'd know if you're already doing all that. 🤷

 

There must be an effortless way.

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I haven't jerked off today! Yay!

 

@Blessed2 hmm, I've tried that before and I usually end up going kff the rails honestly.

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

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On 7/8/2023 at 7:46 PM, Orb said:

In this experience there's 2 main hindrances left, these are the 2 behavioral dysfunctions that hold me back from feeling comfortable guiding people to awakening or starting a YouTube channel on spirituality. These are the hindrances that must be healed otherwise abusive/manipulative behavior can result. I don't want to be a "teacher" who ends up fucking his students or something weird like that, there's been many of those cases namely with a well known zen master (I believe his name was Maezumi Roshi). 

 

The 2 hindrances are Substance use and Sexually Dysfunctional behavior. 

Ox pics wise, after taming there is riding home, transcending other, transcending self & other, source and returning. Returning is equated to sharing. A teacher teaching is prior to transcending other (etc). Here (this post) taming would be the recognition that the thoughts arise, yet there isn’t the me which the entire story including the dysfunctions, hindrances, etc is about. This is the ‘rollercoaster’ which is the aversion from that there isn’t that me. Aversion from feeling. 

 

On 7/8/2023 at 7:46 PM, Orb said:

If these 2 behaviors no longer occurred life would be a lot more peaceful, a lot more aligned, a lot more congruent with the true nature. 

That ‘if’ is on behalf of a non-existent separate self which is not only believed to exist, but believed to exist separate of life.

Venting is distinct from expression in that it’s on behalf of a separate self. Without the false belief in separation, there is nothing to vent about, no cravings - non-venting.

 

For the separate individual, thoughts are believed to be about separate things. While what is perceived can not possibly be perceiving, for the ‘me’ there is my perception. ‘My perception’ is known. Knowing is a belief. There is believed to be my perception, and that belief is believed to be known. Meanwhile there is no knower present. Only the thought that there is. 

 

“This” ‘& the substance use’ is not what feels incongruent with what’s pointed to in this community. You already are what the pointing is to. This is the Good news. 🤍

 

 

TAMING

 

As the practiced mind calms & clears, the body undergoes an emptying of suppression, as it relates to emotion and dualistic misinterpretations.

Via the practice - stillness & the way of non is grasped, such as non-engagement, non-judgement, non-reaction, non-focus and non-violence.

 

The ‘cup’ continues to empty such that empathy, understanding, and true compassion & wisdom now have a space to arise within and fill. The tiniest of glimpses of the truth of the Fullness and Wholeness of emptiness are directly experienced, while the actuality of infinity still remains veiled. This stage calls for continued diligence & patience, healing and forgiveness of self & others.

 

As expression continues, the mind empties of beliefs, dualistic thought habit, over-activity, and the rumination of self referential & subject-object thoughts; thus allowing the spaciousness which is the actuality of self-soothing, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-reliance and self-love.

 

Most tempting it is here to help others, to teach, to preach, to advise…

… and the practice is adhered to, and abandoned, adhered to, and abandoned, adhered to, and abandoned.

 

That one can not ‘do it all one’s self’ is realized. That is, sayings of surrender like ‘give it to God’, and the ‘power of letting go’ are more deeply resonating & appreciated and mindfully & swiftly employed.

 

Conscious-feeling-response, rather than unconscious-mental-reaction, intrinsically arises and is enjoyed as it is more & more naturally pronounced.

This is the first true hint, of the Truth & True Nature. While unthinkable, unbelievable, and ineffable; This is unmistakable, inherently by how This feels.

 

The practiced, emptied, opened & expanded mind, in conjunction with the ‘emptied’ body, are now more naturally - effortlessly - culminating as a new clarity and a more single pointed focus, aligned with & attentive to the mind’s ‘higher’ guidance, ‘it’s very ‘substance’, that to which ‘feeling’ points.

 

So wonderful and unbelievable it is, that the happening is claimed… as obtained & attained.

…and the practice is adhered to, and abandoned, adhered to, and abandoned, adhered to, and abandoned.

 

In this natural & intrinsic alignment arises renewal, depth, acuity and heightened perception & sensitivity of sensation.

The reality of ever-present guidance in far less intermittent, as is the suffering of focusing upon discord.

 

Real change occurs in regard to non-dwelling, non-complaining, non-venting, and non-judgement; as the taste & actuality of true freedom is now firmly glimpsed to be - much more than a series of fleeting glimpses.

 

Swiftness of ability to shift focus in accordance with feeling-guidance becomes the Way & the paramount order of every day.

Often, this is a time of introspection, reflection, deeper acceptance & forgiveness, and care for any lingering discord in matters of relationships with others, as the actuality of communion with source is soon to be realized as universe-wide; infinite.

 

The reality of universal harmony and correlations with presence, focus & creatorship become clearer. The Immutable Laws are examined and now begin to ring true. Much pain is transmuted as much beauty, unification and purification are underway, soon to be ‘seen’ for what they are, and aren’t. 

 

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