How to know if a relationship is right for you

[WhiteOwl]

I keep thinking about my past relationship, since it was really amazing in many ways. We stopped it because i couldn't relax in it, and kept projecting my feeling of lack towards her. I always had thoughts of being with someone more "cool", and i was always afraid of finding someone else and making her sad. It was like i never really respected her enough. Sometimes i thought i was wasting time being with her.  She didn't have the "right" style, didn't speak my language and her english was not the best. So from society PoV she was not particularly high status, i think that influenced me a lot.  

Something in me wants to give it another shot, if it would ever be possible, but i don't want it unless i am sure it won't be the same, and i am afraid it will.

 

I notice i mostly miss her and think about her when i feel slightly alone, and not so much when i am feeling great, then i start to think about other girls mostly. 

 

 

I am confused to what i actually want. How do you know? 

 

I think i have made a similar post in the past. Sorry if that is the case.

 

[Phil]

5 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I am confused to what i actually want. How do you know? 

By how it feels. What’s wanted is to recognize the emotion and extract the juice from it. The insight, clarity & alignment. If that isn’t present, that’s always what’s wanted. 

[Mandy]

What is the essence of "cool", what does cool feel like if it's not a judgment about a person? You don't have a relationship anyway if your relationship is made up of ideas about someone and what they should be. There's never going to be alignment or communion in that, but it's thought to be because the person actually didn't measure up. If you let it be what it is, it's already aligned unconditionally and clarity about what you want isn't out of reach. If you are not feeling great just don't make decisions if you don't have to. 

[Phil]

This came to mind on a more fundamental note… 

 

There isn’t a ‘my feeling of lack’. Lack isn’t a feeling, it’s a concept, and feeling isn’t yours. There’s only how the thought / belief that there is lack, feels. 

‘My feeling of lack’ - there’s nowhere to go with that due to the false possession / ownership / identifying. It’s a conceptualizing (a covering up) of self and emotion. 

The guidance of insecurity - there’s somewhere to go with that. Acknowledging emotion as guidance for thoughts is inherently connective, releasing and clarifying. Then every time insecurity is felt, it’s recognized the thought / belief isn’t true (by how it feels). There’s ‘somewhere to go’ with insecurity. When insecurity is felt, an inward / sep self referential thought is experienced - and noticed. 

 

What you’re wanting is more clarity - about what you’re wanting. That guidance is jealousy. Jealousy is seeing what people have, do, be and experience… and recognizing stuff you’d like to have, do, be and experience. When jealousy is allowed, felt & acknowledged life changes in a big way. You soon will never again be at a loss for a long, specific & delightful list of wanted. More than what could ever be experienced in one lifetime. 

 

There might be a little self sabotage happening with respect to jealousy, in believing there is “what society wants”. 

There is no actual ‘society’s point of view’. This is a way of lumping billions of ‘wanter’s’ together as if one big organism which wants. 

There is infinit self (and not even) appearing as, but there is not one big organism. 

This belief essentially backfires on you, in that you’re left at a loss for clarity in regard to what you want. 

Noticing everybody’s wants are similar and also uniquely different, is allowing yours. 

Also, autonomy is quite literally impossible. 

Yet here we are. 

Reality is pure magic. 

 

Something to give some consideration to… what could be more self-respecting and fulfilling than respecting the guidance felt? If one isn’t receiving - what really does one have to give?

 

A bit of a ‘ripping the band off’ on this one but… there’s no ‘when I feel slightly alone’. There is no feeling of ‘being alone’. What you’re talking about is unconditional love. Yourself. All catches, problems, etc with alone are false. Assumptions. ALL - no exception. This place is your creation. You’re not in it. You make it seem like you are because you’re infinite. No catch. 

 

All birds, one stone… write a list of ten things / aspects you have to offer to her. (Wether you get back with her or not isn’t the point 🤍).

[Forza21]

@Phil i join this topic, because it is related.

 

what if what i want, and i feel it, is going to make her suffer ?  I am on this crossroad, that i cant ignore my desires any more, and she s going to be hurt by that. 
 

i want to travel solo for a looong time, meet new people etc, and she cant do it right now.   And its terrible to be left like that but my desire is very strong. 
 

if i were to choose love - i should stay.

if i were to choose my desires and purpose/aligment /m- i should go. 
 

And i dont know. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Forza21

[Phil]

@Forza21

It’s hard to say based on that info. Could you share what it is that you want? Sounds like essentially to part ways but I don’t want to assume I know (and therein suffer). 

[Forza21]

26 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Forza21

It’s hard to say based on that info. Could you share what it is that you want? Sounds like essentially to part ways but I don’t want to assume I know (and therein suffer). 

i want to travel solo for a looong time, meet new people (i also have desire to have sex … is it bad?) etc, and she cant do it right now.   And its terrible to be left like that but my desire is very strong. 
 

if i were to choose love - i should stay.

if i were to choose my desires and purpose/aligment /m- i should go.   But is it ego?
 

And i dont know. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Forza21

[Mandy]

@Forza21 What if you can have both, you just falsely believe it's an either/or choice? Is impatience coloring that? 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Forza21 said:

i want to travel solo for a looong time, meet new people (i also have desire to have sex … is it bad?) etc, and she cant do it right now.   And its terrible to be left like that but my desire is very strong. 
 

if i were to choose love - i should stay.

if i were to choose my desires and purpose/aligment /m- i should go.   But is it ego?

Am I hearing you right, that you’re afraid to be honest? 

Fear is best addressed by looking in the closet. 

You’re not doing her any favors anymore than you are yourself by not being honest. 

 

1 hour ago, Forza21 said:

And i dont know. 

It seems you know what’s terrible without having looked yet. 

It seem you know you are separate and could be without love, and therein choose love. 

It seems you know there is such a thing, aspect or perspective as “should”. 

It also seems you know she can’t do it right now. 

And it seems you know you have a purpose, and therein aren’t Free. 

[Forza21]

9 minutes ago, Phil said:

Am I hearing you right, that you’re afraid to be honest? 

Fear is best addressed by looking in the closet. 

You’re not doing her any favors anymore than you are yourself by not being honest. 

 

It seems you know what’s terrible without having looked yet. 

It seem you know you are separate and could be without love, and therein choose love. 

It seems you know there is such a thing, aspect or perspective as “should”. 

It also seems you know she can’t do it right now. 

And it seems you know you have a purpose, and therein aren’t Free. 

I am 100% honest with myself and her, i told her exactly that. And its been one year since i still have this in my mind. She is not okey with my desires, so i am not doing it. But i didnt choose it either.  Hence The conflict.  Trust me, authenthicity is The main goal for me…

 

i dont know, it feels like monogamy is against my nature. How you deal with that in your relationship?

Edited June 19, 2023 by Forza21

[Phil]

@Forza21

Thanks. 

Is she ok with the traveling, and the ‘issue’ is really that she wants monogamy and you don’t?

Choice is illusory btw. Not sure it helps to ‘tuck’ anything away there. If monogamy is wanted, that might confuse things. 

[Forza21]

1 minute ago, Phil said:

@Forza21

Thanks. 

Is she ok with the traveling, and the ‘issue’ is really that she wants monogamy and you don’t?

Choice is illusory btw. Not sure it helps to ‘tuck’ anything away there. If monogamy is wanted, that might confuse things. 

 it feels like monogamy is against my nature. How you deal with that in your relationship?

 

she s not ok with my traveling solo either. Its because she cant right now (she needs to stay in one place because of job) and i can. And shes gonna feel like i am leaving her and having fun.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Forza21 said:

 it feels like monogamy is against my nature. How you deal with that in your relationship?

When we met, as best I can describe with words, something magical happened. The whole of reality changed. We were instantly one as if it’d always been the case. As if we’ve been losing and finding each other in Love for eternity.  It’s been ‘us against the world’ ever since. Us, and everything else. Not sure how that ‘comes off’, but that’s what it’s like. If I felt monogamy was against my nature, I’d recognize that as preference & my nature as unconditional, and I likely wouldn’t be in a (mismatched) relationship. But that’s the nature of freedom & preference. Overall, communication is key, finding out if preferences are aligned, a match. 

 

In acknowledging the illusion of choice, much insight can fill in as to why different preferences arise. Sometimes preferences which arise aren’t actually (more deeply) what’s wanted. Sometimes preferences are based on falsity, such as fear of loss, insecurity, etc. Communion… in communication, is key. 

1 hour ago, Forza21 said:

 

she s not ok with my traveling solo either. It’s because she cant right now (she needs to stay in one place because of job) and i can. And shes gonna feel like i am leaving her and having fun.

Can’t and need are tricky words. Identity even more so. (‘She can’t but I can’). I’d frame it up as preferences / wants. It sounds like she wants that job (preference) more than she wants a job which coincides with or enables traveling. 

 

‘She’s gonna feel like… I am leaving her and having fun’, also tricky words. Not trying to be the word police or anything… but what’s your best guess of what she’s actually feeling or would feel - which emotion? 

 

[James123]

21 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I keep thinking about my past relationship, since it was really amazing in many ways. We stopped it because i couldn't relax in it, and kept projecting my feeling of lack towards her. I always had thoughts of being with someone more "cool", and i was always afraid of finding someone else and making her sad. It was like i never really respected her enough. Sometimes i thought i was wasting time being with her.  She didn't have the "right" style, didn't speak my language and her english was not the best. So from society PoV she was not particularly high status, i think that influenced me a lot.  

Something in me wants to give it another shot, if it would ever be possible, but i don't want it unless i am sure it won't be the same, and i am afraid it will.

 

I notice i mostly miss her and think about her when i feel slightly alone, and not so much when i am feeling great, then i start to think about other girls mostly. 

 

 

I am confused to what i actually want. How do you know? 

 

I think i have made a similar post in the past. Sorry if that is the case.

 

Easy, if your character didn't change for a percentage and if you are getting love the way that you are, you are good to go in that relationship. But if you are not, problem is on you.

[Forza21]

15 hours ago, Phil said:

When we met, as best I can describe with words, something magical happened. The whole of reality changed. We were instantly one as if it’d always been the case. As if we’ve been losing and finding each other in Love for eternity.  It’s been ‘us against the world’ ever since. Us, and everything else. Not sure how that ‘comes off’, but that’s what it’s like. If I felt monogamy was against my nature, I’d recognize that as preference & my nature as unconditional, and I likely wouldn’t be in a (mismatched) relationship. But that’s the nature of freedom & preference. Overall, communication is key, finding out if preferences are aligned, a match. 

 

In acknowledging the illusion of choice, much insight can fill in as to why different preferences arise. Sometimes preferences which arise aren’t actually (more deeply) what’s wanted. Sometimes preferences are based on falsity, such as fear of loss, insecurity, etc. Communion… in communication, is key. 

Can’t and need are tricky words. Identity even more so. (‘She can’t but I can’). I’d frame it up as preferences / wants. It sounds like she wants that job (preference) more than she wants a job which coincides with or enables traveling. 

 

‘She’s gonna feel like… I am leaving her and having fun’, also tricky words. Not trying to be the word police or anything… but what’s your best guess of what she’s actually feeling or would feel - which emotion? 

 

 
❤️ I am so happy that it worked for you.  

if it comes what she's gonna feel - i don't want hurt her, or make her sad, and she might feel sadness, loneliness, abandonment, grief... i feel just bad for her, because she's far more compassionate or loving than i am, and she deserves better, than being left alone like that. It's like my desires are bad, because it's gonna make her feel bad.

Edited June 20, 2023 by Forza21

[Phil]

@Forza21

Maybe but maybe not. Putting myself in her shoes based on what you’re saying… she’s with someone who doesn’t want the same kind of relationship, and isn’t as compassionate or loving as she is. In a way you’d be setting her free to attract more of a match. She might experience some heartbreak, but then the clarity for having experienced always comes, and she’ll be clearer on what she wants which attracts that. You’ll be free as well, traveling and experiencing what you want to. It might sound crude in a way, but putting each other before happiness just doesn’t work. 

[Forza21]

7 hours ago, Phil said:

@Forza21

Maybe but maybe not. Putting myself in her shoes based on what you’re saying… she’s with someone who doesn’t want the same kind of relationship, and isn’t as compassionate or loving as she is. In a way you’d be setting her free to attract more of a match. She might experience some heartbreak, but then the clarity for having experienced always comes, and she’ll be clearer on what she wants which attracts that. You’ll be free as well, traveling and experiencing what you want to. It might sound crude in a way, but putting each other before happiness just doesn’t work. 

You are so right. 
 

and honestly, i finally start to cut through doubt-mass of my mind, and experience my intuition.  Feelings are there all the time,  guidance is felt… it is so perfect and simple, i cant Thank you enough for your work. ❤️❤️❤️🙏 

[Phil]

4 minutes ago, Forza21 said:

You are so right. 
 

and honestly, i finally start to cut through doubt-mass of my mind, and experience my intuition.  Feelings are there all the time,  guidance is felt… it is so perfect and simple, i cant Thank you enough for your work. ❤️❤️❤️🙏 

That’s great to hear and is thanks enough. 🙏🏼  Much love. 

[WhiteOwl]

On 6/19/2023 at 12:12 PM, Mandy said:

What is the essence of "cool", what does cool feel like if it's not a judgment about a person? You don't have a relationship anyway if your relationship is made up of ideas about someone and what they should be. There's never going to be alignment or communion in that, but it's thought to be because the person actually didn't measure up. If you let it be what it is, it's already aligned unconditionally and clarity about what you want isn't out of reach. If you are not feeling great just don't make decisions if you don't have to. 

It is a judgements about a person. I have had so many ideas and ideals about what i want down to small details almost. What is cool and accepted and what is not. I want life to me more of a surprise. I don't know what is best for myself. Im looking forward to see what happens. 

And yea, i won't make any decisions when not feeling great, thats good advice. 

 

On 6/19/2023 at 2:49 PM, Phil said:

This place is your creation. You’re not in it. You make it seem like you are because you’re infinite. No catch. 

🙏

 

On 6/19/2023 at 2:49 PM, Phil said:

All birds, one stone… write a list of ten things / aspects you have to offer to her. (Wether you get back with her or not isn’t the point 🤍).

Sort of like what i think "i" identify as, or what i want to offer? Maybe i haven't been the most thoughtful person always for her, but maybe i wan't to be that. 

 

On 6/19/2023 at 8:11 PM, James123 said:

Easy, if your character didn't change for a percentage and if you are getting love the way that you are, you are good to go in that relationship. But if you are not, problem is on you.

Hmm i don't think i changed. She loved me for who i was actually, which is also why i am in doubt, even though i am feeling good right now and therefor thinking about other opportunities. As mentioned

[James123]

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

On 6/19/2023 at 9:11 PM, James123 said:

you are not, problem is on you.

Hmm i don't think i changed. She loved me for who i was actually, which is also why i am in doubt, even though i am feeling good right now and therefor thinking about other opportunities. As mentioned

How old are you?