Sometimes I just feel like I'm not built for interactions

[fopylo]

Was debating whether I should put this on The Path, but it is a mixture of both I guess.

 

Yes, I know this is some bullshit title, and yes, self referential thoughts, no "not built", I am amazing and all of that.

Let me just express what's going on for me and maybe you could try speaking from a more "lower level", just not too much advaita.

 

Today at the park I was doing some training and I met a guy I tend to see 35 years of age, and it's nice to talk to him. Not so long after another kid arrived 15 years of age that I also speak to him some times. So it was kind of like 3 of us were talking together (the older guy is very friendly with the people that come here), just that it didn't feel much like that for me. The older guy was asking me a question and the kid was like answering instead of me (just some general question about protein and muscle building) and I felt like it was hard for me to talk and I probably hated him at the moment. When I tried to speak I was speaking for the sake of speaking and not for the sake of adding value, for that in order to not add value that will go to waste (people not listening) I must make sure my voice is heard and that they are fully in, that there is no potential for someone to interrupt and cut me off.

I don't feel authentic. It just doesn't feel natural to talk like that. I already forgot how it is to just naturally talk, as if it was the default, the granted.

 

Sadly it doesn't only happen when speaking in groups of people (although it mostly happens there), but also when speaking to a single person. Too much focused on trying to speak for being heard and not interrupted. Yes... I got it down - this is the motive behind my speech. This is why writing is much easier for me than talking!

 

But man... That feeling I carry after an interaction with someone sometimes. At some point I didn't feel like talking to that kid anymore because I figured that I get triggered by him (by the things he says, the way he made it hard for me to speak to that older guy, that he tried to compare with me and act like his "buddy"). But I can't blame him. Obviously he is not a bad person, it's just that I am living in prison.

[Phil]

Is there a question…?

[fopylo]

@Phil I haven't made it so clear.

My question is how do I become a better speaker, more correctly - how do I stop this suffering that peaks in those moments?

[Reena]

Are @fopylo you girl /boy? 

[Phil]

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Phil I haven't made it so clear.

My question is how do I become a better speaker, more correctly -

Your attention begets betterment. If the question was ‘how do I ride a bike’ more correctly, the way would be giving attention (which is appreciation) to riding a bike. 

Colloquially we’d just say by practicing & learning, like taking a biking class, reading a book about biking, etc. 

 

12 hours ago, fopylo said:

how do I stop this suffering that peaks in those moments?

Suffering is a little different. The approach of stopping suffering doesn’t work. That’s suffering. 

The approach of seeing how you’re creating the suffering works. In this scenario, one no longer put’s one’s hand on the stove / no longer does or believes, what results in, suffering. 

 

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not built for interactions.

The simplest way is to question if “I’m not built for interactions” is indeed how you feel. 

Did you check? 

Like if you wanted to know how a rubber ball feels, you could go to the store and feel a rubber ball. 

Did you check how you feel, and find that it’s “I’m not built for interactions”?

 

Another approach…. Which emotion is felt?

[fopylo]

@Cupcake

22 hours ago, Cupcake said:

Are @fopylo you girl /boy? 

Boy, why?

[fopylo]

10 hours ago, Phil said:

The simplest way is to question if “I’m not built for interactions” is indeed how you feel.

@Phil

It's not how I feel, but rather the assessment I made out of the situations I've experienced. Powerlessness, frustration and hate are more likely the emotions I feel when thinking about it.

 

[Reena]

32 minutes ago, fopylo said:

@Cupcake

Boy, why?

You could first make intimate friends and then try upping your communication skills. 

If you are talking to random people, it might be tough to improve. 

[Phil]

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Phil

It's not how I feel, but rather the assessment I made out of the situations I've experienced. Powerlessness, frustration and hate are more likely the emotions I feel when thinking about it.

 

So it’s how the assessment feels? 

What are the emotions saying about the assessment, about you? 

[fopylo]

@Phil

Phil yesterday was a little hard.

I had dinner with family together with my 3 cousins (all of them are kids) and at some point they just started making fun of me with their stupid silly jokes (you know how it is, kids) super cringe. But I felt powerless. They were keeping on annoying me with those jokes even as I eat and try to ignore they laugh at the fact I'm eating and trying to ignore. So stupid!

They were even joking about me killing myself ("imagine he tries to kill himself with a gun and misses because...." some joke about how I like to keep things clean and don't like when my food is being touched with bare hands).

I didn't know what to do.

I am 20 years old and they are kids. It makes more sense for them to make fun of me, but awkward if I try to make fun of them. Not that I have any intention to do that.

They just think they're the center of the world.

Yeah man, I feel all those emotions right now even though right now none of this is happening. Kinda just felt like sharing what's "going on" with me. But I really didn't know how to deal with this situation of being laughed at and mocked by little kids, with a pointer. I know it sounds pathetic, coming from a grown up man like me, although sometimes I don't feel like that and that my value in the family has dropped.

[fopylo]

@Cupcake

21 hours ago, Cupcake said:

21 hours ago, fopylo said:

Boy, why?

You could first make intimate friends and then try upping your communication skills. 

If you are talking to random people, it might be tough to improve. 

I said I am a boy, and somehow me being a boy results in this advice? For women it's different?

Also, how can you say it, coming from a woman?

[Phil]

16 minutes ago, fopylo said:

Phil yesterday was a little hard.

What’s a fun & carefree version with laughter and no defending of your value etc?

[fopylo]

@Phil

5 minutes ago, Phil said:

What’s a fun & carefree version with laughter and no defending of your value etc?

That they'll laugh perhaps at something silly I did (without name callings afterwards).

That the oldest cousin (also a young teenage girl) would stop trying to act "cool" and talk down on people.

That my grandma will not feel reluctant to have a conversation with me.

I don't know man... I'm just now thinking about ways in which they can behave that will make it easier for me but I find that I'm fucked up in all of them somehow.

[Phil]

@fopylo

I mean a fun & carefree take on the unfolding of the exact same events. Not a conditional version where everyone is under your control. 

[Reena]

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

@Cupcake

I said I am a boy, and somehow me being a boy results in this advice? For women it's different?

Also, how can you say it, coming from a woman?

I was trying to figure out if your relationships were with the opposite gender or the same one.

If someone is a man and being rude to a man, it can mean competitiveness. If a man is being rude to a woman, he is possibly not looking for friendship. 

 

In your case I didn't see any aggression from the other side. 

Don't dismiss people right away. Be tolerant at first. If they're constantly breaking your boundaries, assert yourself and let them know that you don't like it like the kill jokes. If they continue to be obnoxious then you can choose to be away from them. 

How you treat people depends a lot on how you treat yourself. People will treat you as badly as you allow them to. 

 

 

 

[fopylo]

@Phil

22 hours ago, Phil said:

I mean a fun & carefree take on the unfolding of the exact same events. Not a conditional version where everyone is under your control. 

Nothing fun about what I said though

[fopylo]

@Cupcake

21 hours ago, Cupcake said:

I was trying to figure out if your relationships were with the opposite gender or the same one.

If someone is a man and being rude to a man, it can mean competitiveness.

I get you here

21 hours ago, Cupcake said:

If a man is being rude to a woman, he is possibly not looking for friendship. 

This I did not understand

[Reena]

1 minute ago, fopylo said:

@Cupcake

 

This I did not understand

The man who is intentionally or unintentionally being rude to a woman is either doing it because he clearly doesn't like her or he lacks social cohesion and calibration. 

He is not looking to be friends with her. Most men who act this way are passive aggressive men and women can sniff it from far. 

 

[fopylo]

@Phil

Today it happened again. We met with the cousins and at some points I just felt powerless. Those younger kids are more able to point fingers at others and feel comfortable name calling, but I am scared to stand for myself and be like "You know, this is not really nice to say" or something like that. This just makes me somewhat of a pussy that can't take a joke, just not cool. I mean, yeah these are assumptions but it do be like that that what they say is somewhat more acceptable than if I were to say similar stuff - my father would criticize me in front of the family.

[Phil]

@fopylo

What about jealousy?

What is it that you do want?

How have people commonly obtained, realized, etc, what it is that you are wanting?