Hating small talk, and hard time finding people funny.

[WhiteOwl]

I often judge conversations as boring or with too much small-talk just to fill or out of insecurity from people, without any moment of surprise. At the same time i have a hard time laughing if people try to be funny. I wan't to be more able to laugh with people at small things and enjoy them. Its like i almost feel tense if people try to be funny, or a little pressured. What beliefs might stand in "my" way? I have a bit of a hard time enjoying my new house-mate and his humour, and i judge him a lot. How to stop all that bullshit and have fun together. I feel kind of stiff.

[Phil]

When he makes a joke be very serious on purpose and tell him it was funny. When he thinks you’re being sarcastic, just keep being serious on purpose and tell him again… no, really, it was very funny. 

[WhiteOwl]

Fake it til you make it kind of thing or you expect him to start laughing, or what? @Phil

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

Being serious on purpose helps with noticing one’s adding the seriousness. Same for hate. It’s really very funny. 

[WhiteOwl]

@Phil"Ive" been trying it. It kind of works with being serious on purpose. Thanks:) Could it work for insecurity as well? 

[Mandy]

Conversation is (like everything), about momentum, isn't it? That's why starting them seems awkward, there's absolutely no momentum. Even if I'm talking in front of a camera by myself, I have to allow for the momentum of focused thoughts and ideas to flow. If you're hating the lack of momentum or uncomfortable with it, you're also disallowing it from moving to the kind of momentum or conversation you really want to have. Maybe we should do a zoom meet where everyone tries to be as awkward and insecure as they possibly can. Seriously considering this now. 😂You in?

[WhiteOwl]

@Mandy Well.. anything that can help. I would be up for. My problem is talking. I focus on thoughts like i don't know what to say, and i find no creative thoughts because im too focused on not being quiet or "surviving". So it becomes more like talking people after their mouth, especially and mostly the larger the group of people. Telling a story i haven't thought through to people scares me and almost makes my mind go blank if i start it. I seriously don't know how to break it. I feel so much doubt and unworthiness around it. My throat thightens up, and if someone asks me a simple question like good recommendations for something, my mind goes blank, so i try to avoid focus on me. This is less 1 on 1, as i can control and calculate easier that way, but in a group setting too much is going on it seems. 

[Phil]

6 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Could it work for insecurity as well? 

For sure. Just be insecure on purpose. 

[WhiteOwl]

@Phil what about not finding people funny. Laughing makes things easier in conversation, but fake laughing i never liked.

but sometimes you don’t need to fake laugh and things just seems funny, when i feel at ease. I dont though in social situations. 

[Phil]

20 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

what about not finding people funny

Just pretend there are people on purpose. 

[WhiteOwl]

@PhilI have never experienced myself or "other people". But "my" throat still tenses up when i'm around "other people". "I" can't explain the situation without mentioning other people. Why is that happening when i have never experienced them? How do i really believe that there are no others or an I, even though there arn't. Sounds stupid, but seems like the "problem" for most.

Edited May 11, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

That there are others is a belief. 

That there are not others is not a belief. 

 

That how you feel is because of others is therein, a belief. 

That how you feel has nothing to do with others is not a belief. 

 

So just pretend there are others & how you feel is because of or somehow related to others, on purpose. 

 

Instead of solving this problem, for yourself and or for others, notice the truth…

There’s no problem. 

 

When you say that there is, just do it on purpose. 

[Rose]

What do you think happened that made you feel stiff? 

[Mandy]

6 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

@Mandy Well.. anything that can help. I would be up for. My problem is talking. I focus on thoughts like i don't know what to say, and i find no creative thoughts because im too focused on not being quiet or "surviving". So it becomes more like talking people after their mouth, especially and mostly the larger the group of people. Telling a story i haven't thought through to people scares me and almost makes my mind go blank if i start it. I seriously don't know how to break it. I feel so much doubt and unworthiness around it. My throat thightens up, and if someone asks me a simple question like good recommendations for something, my mind goes blank, so i try to avoid focus on me. This is less 1 on 1, as i can control and calculate easier that way, but in a group setting too much is going on it seems. 

It feels like a very inspired idea right now to have an intentionally painfully awkward conversation. I will get back to you on scheduling, it's better because you know when to dread it. Anyone else in? We need a group. 

[Orb]

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

@PhilI have never experienced myself or "other people". But "my" throat still tenses up when i'm around "other people". "I" can't explain the situation without mentioning other people. Why is that happening when i have never experienced them? How do i really believe that there are no others or an I, even though there arn't. Sounds stupid, but seems like the "problem" for most.

 

I relate 1000% with the throat tension thing. 

 

This issue cannot be solved through thought or a paradigm shift. 

 

The body "remembers" emotional wounds/traumas. 

 

Was there a time in your earlier years when someone told you to shut up or silenced you? Or someone embarrassed you or ridiculed you while you expressed yourself?

 

When this happens a common response in childhood is to clench the throat muscles, and this goes on for so long that it's unnoticed. 

[WhiteOwl]

10 hours ago, Phil said:

@WhiteOwl

That there are others is a belief. 

That there are not others is not a belief. 

 

That how you feel is because of others is therein, a belief. 

That how you feel has nothing to do with others is not a belief. 

 

So just pretend there are others & how you feel is because of or somehow related to others, on purpose. 

Well.. I will get the chance later today and pretend.

 

It was not clear i see now, felt so shit that i didn't even bother to look at what i wrote, but my question was more intended to ask how you actually burst the bubbles of beliefs as you would say. Seems to me that is the whole problem all the time. Things continue to persist the way they are because the beliefs are never broken or continuing to be kept alive.

 

 

10 hours ago, Rose said:

What do you think happened that made you feel stiff? 

Feeling unsure what to bring to the conversation. It was with 3 new people i didn't know and 1 friend. It was "people" i would like to connect with. Tension in the body, thoughts of not being good enough or that people can sense how i feel. Thoughts of me just playing it safe and talking people by their mouth. Blaming myself. Bad loop.

We were sober though it was a good realization of what actually goes on. Overly concerned with how i was "showing" myself.

 

9 hours ago, Orb said:

Was there a time in your earlier years when someone told you to shut up or silenced you? Or someone embarrassed you or ridiculed you while you expressed yourself?

 

When this happens a common response in childhood is to clench the throat muscles, and this goes on for so long that it's unnoticed. 

I don't remember 1 exact situation that started it, but it wasn't always like that. 

 

I try to focus on the tension to release it, been doing it for some years now i think. Still going super strong though, feeling doubt if it can be healed only through the body, because that is something i have been putting some effort into. Doing lots of mindfulness on my body.

 

 

@Mandy Hard to make it as avkward if its intentional though. I would guess. 

[Phil]

5 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

It was not clear i see now, felt so shit that i didn't even bother to look at what i wrote, but my question was more intended to ask how you actually burst the bubbles of beliefs as you would say. Seems to me that is the whole problem all the time. Things continue to persist the way they are because the beliefs are never broken or continuing to be kept alive.

Aligning thought with feeling - no longer expecting feeling to align with thought. 

How does the thought “there is a problem” feel?

If it doesn’t resonate / feel aligned… what’s a better feeling thought?