Very disappointed in men

[Rose]

I am really really really getting disappointed in men and I see no hope. 

 

I know that if I keep being negative about it, I will keep attracting the men that will keep disappointing me, but perhaps letting it all out will help me. I also want to highlight I don't feel good about myself right now and I haven't been sleeping enough, so this might colour my lens a lot too.

 

A few days ago, I connected with an analytics director on Bumble. He kept msg-ing me like crazy for a few days, until it turned out we work in the same company - at which point he just unmatched me. What a f*cking coward. And this dude is a director.. also makes me disappointed that only trash gets promoted in the corporate world. 

 

Am I being sexist when I say I hate coward men like this? I don't know if this is even being a coward.. Is this a toxic masculinity idea that men are supposed to be brave?

 

All the other dudes on dating apps, keep asking boring generic 5-year old boy questions like "what did you get in trouble for when you were young" or "what is your best travel story" - seriously how do these retarded conversations that drag on for days help them to learn anything about a person? Another question I've been getting a lot recently is "what are some of the red flags for you in relationship" - is there a dating couch out there who is telling men to ask this question? Why would I tell that to a complete stranger I've only said "hello" to what my red flags are?

 

Being 30-35+ years old, they still have no f*cking clue about what they want, how to have a conversation with a woman, and even what type of relationship do they want. It's common to see on their profile, under what they are looking for "don't know yet" or under want children "don't know yet". How can you be a 40 year old dude and not know what you want? What the duck is happening to this world? Are we all really the Peter Pan generation of infantile degenerates that never grow up? 

 

Here are a few other things that absolutely annoy me in MEN in particular.

 

• WHINY MEN.. victim men.. poor me world is so unfair to me men
• Entitled men, especially when it is absolutely unjustified - you're unattractive, you haven't achieved much in life, what the hell are you so entitled about.. and it's usually those men that in particular act entitled... why is it that the most entitled people are also the biggest losers?
• Men who drink and spend their free time at a bar
• Cheap men
• Men who are old but date very young women
• Men who brag about being over 40 and never being married or having children (seriously they are like an empty seat on a rush hour bus - it's empty but something is for sure wrong with it)
• Bitchy men, who do bitch things
• Men who try to take shortcuts in life consistently
• Men who want best things for no reason 
• Men who do pickup 

 

This is just a short list I could up with right now.

 

I know if I want a great guy I should be listing the great qualities that I love about men, but I just can't do that right now. It feels like I'd be lying to myself. How can I change this negative thinking about men? I do want a great partner but recently I started feeling like it will never happen. I am not interested in 99.9% of men anymore and the kind of man that I want seems impossible to find, especially given that I also want a guy who has the same cultural background. 

 

I just don't see the point in relationships anymore other than financial. Every day more and more I am just considering finding a sugar daddy to buy me nice stuff and take me on nice vacations. I regret not doing it when I was younger as I had a ton of opportunities but I was so stupid I chose the losers instead and got absolutely nothing out of those relationships other than disappointment. That being said I was so broken I can't blame myself for making those bad choices.

 

I think maybe this is the answer, maybe I should be a gold digger for a while. Challenge myself and see what kind of stunts I could pull, at least that would make it somewhat fun. I don't want to be a whining victim, I want to be a hero, but I just can't gaslight myself like this to keep thinking a great relationship will come.

 

I don't know a single guy, real life or movies even, that I would find remotely attractive. 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Rose

[Orb]

There are approximately 3-4 billion men and counting on this earth. You really think you won't find the

One? 🙂 

 

Also, when it comes to dating apps most men don't take them seriously.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Orb

[Rose]

4 minutes ago, Orb said:

There are approximately 3-4 billion men and counting on this earth. You really think you won't find the one? 🙂

 

Yes, but that includes men of third world countries, other cultures and races, religious men, uneducated men, men in relationships and men outside of the 30-45 year old age bracket.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Rose

[Orb]

@Rose what area are you in if you don't mind me asking? You can just give me a general area if you don't wanna share too much.

[Rose]

32 minutes ago, Orb said:

Also, when it comes to dating apps most men don't take them seriously.

So where do most men age 30+ look for women then? 

[Orb]

@Rose I have no idea lol, I know theyre out there though. 

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Rose said:

All the other dudes on dating apps, keep asking boring generic 5-year old boy questions like "what did you get in trouble for when you were young" or "what is your best travel story" - seriously how do these retarded conversations that drag on for days help them to learn anything about a person?

 

What would you like to be asked?

 

I'm seriously curious since I think those two seem pretty normal solid conversation starters.

 

In fact those are the type of convos you have with people even when you've known each other for years even. Is it supposed to be different on dating apps?

 

It seems to me like you're feeling impatience and you're taking this way seriously.

 

1 hour ago, Rose said:

How can I change this negative thinking about men?

 

See if this is any helpful:

 

[Rose]

40 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

What would you like to be asked?

 

I'm seriously curious since I think those two seem pretty normal solid conversation starters.

 

In fact those are the type of convos you have with people even when you've known each other for years even. Is it supposed to be different on dating apps?

 

It seems to me like you're feeling impatience and you're taking this way seriously.

Yes, I am not looking for a pen pal and I rather things move along quickly - have real conversations either over the phone or in person.

I receive lots of msgs on dating apps, just like most women, if I was to have silly chats with everyone about nothing, I would have to quit my job. 
 

I personally tailor my questions to the profile that I see - for example, if the person states they are Christian, but I really liked their profile, I would swipe right on them and then ask them about how religious are they actually. If there is no questions about their profile, I rather move the conversation to talk on the phone or meet. 
 

Those convos are perfectly fine if you know the person, but if you don’t know the person, but waste time on these silly things instead of finding out if you’re comparable, and then find out 3 months later that they go to church 4 times a week, you’ve just wasted 3 months of your life.

 

Many people go out with each other for months and don’t even know basic things about the other person - what they are looking for, do they want children, what is their life inspiration - because they keep conversations stupid and activities stupid as well. Women especially are often scared to step out of line and just go with the flow.

 

I do take it seriously because I don’t even want to do this whole process in the first place. It’s kind of like “it’s already VERY hard for me to be excited about you, and you’re just making it so much harder” 

 

The only thing that motivates me to get a relationship right now is the financial aspect of it. My city is very expensive and I have a huge mortgage, would be nice to have this load off of my shoulders. Also would be nice to travel more, wear expensive brand clothes, etc.

 

Another aspect though that perhaps is even stronger, if you’re around a really successful guy that you really respect, it motivates you to do better too. That perhaps is even more motivating to me than the money thing.

Edited March 4, 2023 by Rose

[Blessed2]

41 minutes ago, Rose said:

The only thing that motivates me to get a relationship right now is the financial aspect of it. My city is very expensive and I have a huge mortgage, would be nice to have this load off of my shoulders. Also would be nice to travel more, wear expensive brand clothes, etc.

 

Another aspect though that perhaps is even stronger, if you’re around a really successful guy that you really respect, it motivates you to do better too. That perhaps is even more motivating to me than the money thing.

 

Why motivation? Why is it important to do better? I mean what would you like to achieve?

 

How would you feel if you had all those things? Money, no mortage, traveling, clothes you love, achievements etc. Take a pause and really check how you would feel if you had all that.

 

You can even imagine that all that stuff you want is already yours. You already have that fat bank account, you're just not looking at it on your phone right now. You already have a closet full of those clothes but you're just not looking in the closet right now. It's there, just not in your eyesight at the moment. It's quite fun.

[Rose]

6 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Why motivation? Why is it important to do better? I mean what would you like to achieve?

 

How would you feel if you had all those things? Money, no mortage, traveling, clothes you love, achievements etc. Take a pause and really check how you would feel if you had all that.

 

You can even imagine that all that stuff you want is already yours. You already have that fat bank account, you're just not looking at it on your phone right now. You already have a closet full of those clothes but you're just not looking in the closet right now. It's there, just not in your eyesight at the moment. It's quite fun.

I am sorry, but I find this kind of talk “Money is not important bla bla bla” to be a cope from people who haven’t achieved anything in life. That is also how they self sabotage themselves to never achieve anything in the future too.

 

Money is not going to be bring me happiness, but it would for sure make my life easier and more enjoyable.

 

In terms of what I’d like to achieve is more success in my own career, finding a fit that actually works for me, being healthier, more organized, etc. 

 

However, idk if I misunderstood you completely. Are you just saying to start visualizing these things as a way to get to these things? 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Rose

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Rose said:

However, idk if I misunderstood you completely. Are you just saying to start visualizing these things as a way to get to these things? 

 

Sure. And to find new things you want. To clear up.

 

Imagine having and doing literally anything you want. No limit whatsoever.

 

Have you ever done that? See what comes up.

 

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/creator-creating-creation-journaling

 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Blessed2

[flowboy]

8 hours ago, Rose said:

I am sorry, but I find this kind of talk “Money is not important bla bla bla” to be a cope from people who haven’t achieved anything in life. That is also how they self sabotage themselves to never achieve anything in the future too.

 

Money is not going to be bring me happiness, but it would for sure make my life easier and more enjoyable.

So... money is a cope for you.

 

I can relate to what you write, because I spent a lot of time arguing with my girlfriend about why I want to make a lot of money (she doesn't get it).

 

That being said, I think what @Blessed2 is getting at, is: do you really want to spend your entire life trying to "make it easier" by getting more money?

Is that the best use of your time, talents, gifts, strengths?

 

 

Or is there something more meaningful you could be doing - if it weren't for the fact that you need to pay your mortgage?

 

So a common trap is to be so trapped in trying to materially improve your life that you don't even ask this question.

It's very important to ask that question, because oftentimes, the most meaningful thing you could be doing with your unique talents and strengths, can already be started without wearing designer clothes.

 

TL;DR: money is a toxic value, it's best for happiness and fulfillment if you can stop worrying about it, and you don't need external people or resources in order to stop worrying about it and free your mind up for more satisfying things.

Usually when people stop worrying about money and fix their lack beliefs, they start making way more money with less effort in less painful ways.

 

About the men: if you really want to break out of this negative thinking, then doing shadow work is the way to go.

I'm a bit skeptical that you'll actually try it because your post reads more like venting, but in case you're serious:

google Ken Wilber's 3-2-1 method, read this example, and I'm sure @Phil has a bunch of good things you can do to start feeling and thinking more positive about men.

Edited March 4, 2023 by flowboy

[Mandy]

13 hours ago, Rose said:

Am I being sexist when I say I hate coward men like this? I don't know if this is even being a coward.. Is this a toxic masculinity idea that men are supposed to be brave?

I want a man that is sure, that is so sure about me that he has total faith that everything will work out, that he doesn't have to chose between his financial security or me. 

 

Do you see the relationship here between your disgust that this man chose his financial security and position over a chance with you, and that the only thing you can currently get excited about in the prospect of a man are the financial aspects of having one? 

 

You got to be sure, like you want the man to be. 

[Mandy]

13 hours ago, Rose said:

I don't know a single guy, real life or movies even, that I would find remotely attractive. 

How would it resonate with you if a man said that none of the women anywhere are remotely attractive to him?  How would you feel about a man who finds beauty and inspiration anywhere he looks? The last thing I want is to be with an unpleasable man, neither is a man wanting to be with an unpleasable woman. No one can ever please you if you can't please yourself first. Not because this is some personal failing of your's but because you are simply disallowing yourself what you want. 

 

You are a goddess of pleasure. In my opinion it's especially fun to be a woman, especially in today's times. Sometimes life wears on us and we forget it. Desire and attraction start small before they become big like in a relationship. If you've shut yourself off from appreciating in general, forget men and start finding little things that you like, that you're attracted to. Like Miley Cyrus suggests, buy yourself some flowers, or some art or a new bedspread or something that lights you up when you see it. It doesn't have to be expensive but the intention matters. Do something fun. Do something novel.  Make a list of fun stuff and make it an intent to fit it in. You can never "let yourself go", not in the sense that you don't care about how you LOOK to others but that you stop caring about how you feel and the things you love. If you do that nothing looks good to you. Find beauty wherever you're looking, foster fun, light heartedness and appreciation and then your perception of men will shift. In the meantime, forget em'. Make yourself happy. Love what you got and stay open to more. 

[Reborn]

You don't even know what you want, yet you have a bucket list of traits you don't want. That surely won't lead to any good outcome for you. Whatever that is - since you don't even know what "good outcome" is yourself.

 

If you think not pursuing a love interest in a corporate enviroment is an act of cowardice, then you are very deluded. The last thing I'd want, is to spoil my place of work, where I'm supposed to be productive and make money to survive, with unprofesionalism. That's straight up dangerous.

 

Noone here is gonna tell you this probably, but the only way to actually "solve" this issue, is to make your standards more realistic, turn inwards. Which doesn't necesarilly mean lowering them. For example, I can understand why you would not want to date entitled, whiny men. Or men with no finances and life of their own. Etc. But judging men for their conversation starters? Get out of here. I assure you that you are not perfect yourself. Get real

[Phil]

20 hours ago, Rose said:

I am really really really getting disappointed in men and I see no hope. 

If the disappointment is in men, I would agree, it’s hopeless. 

If disappointment is an emotion felt, and is guidance for thoughts, for attracting what you’re wanting, then hopefulness is inevitable. 

I think you’re spot on on that you can’t per se go from full to empty without emptying. I agree with the emptying, but it seems you’re stopping short. I’d continue. I’d fill up. Maybe that’s just me though. 

[Rose]

5 hours ago, Reborn said:

You don't even know what you want, yet you have a bucket list of traits you don't want. That surely won't lead to any good outcome for you. Whatever that is - since you don't even know what "good outcome" is yourself.

 

If you think not pursuing a love interest in a corporate enviroment is an act of cowardice, then you are very deluded. The last thing I'd want, is to spoil my place of work, where I'm supposed to be productive and make money to survive, with unprofesionalism. That's straight up dangerous.

 

Noone here is gonna tell you this probably, but the only way to actually "solve" this issue, is to make your standards more realistic, turn inwards. Which doesn't necesarilly mean lowering them. For example, I can understand why you would not want to date entitled, whiny men. Or men with no finances and life of their own. Etc. But judging men for their conversation starters? Get out of here. I assure you that you are not perfect yourself. Get real

I do know what I want.

 

I am not saying not pursuing a love interest at work is a bad idea, I am saying the way he just unmatched me was in a cowardly way, especially since we work in the same company and may cross paths and he is my superior.

 

Like if it was a work setting, it would be super rude to just block someone, hang up on a conversation, or just walk away. Why be so cordial in a work setting, but not show the same courtesy on a dating app? 
 

When he unmatched me I started worrying about my job - what if my pictures were too much? What if I said something that would compromise my work? My industry is pretty small and everyone generally knows everyone 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Rose

[Rose]

7 hours ago, Mandy said:

How would it resonate with you if a man said that none of the women anywhere are remotely attractive to him?

I wouldn’t find it to be an attractive quality.

 

That is why perhaps now is not the best time for me to meet men, since I am not sleeping enough and when I don’t get enough sleep I tend to be very negative and easily annoyed.  

[Rose]

7 hours ago, Mandy said:

You are a goddess of pleasure. In my opinion it's especially fun to be a woman, especially in today's times. Sometimes life wears on us and we forget it. Desire and attraction start small before they become big like in a relationship. If you've shut yourself off from appreciating in general, forget men and start finding little things that you like, that you're attracted to. Like Miley Cyrus suggests, buy yourself some flowers, or some art or a new bedspread or something that lights you up when you see it. It doesn't have to be expensive but the intention matters. Do something fun. Do something novel.  Make a list of fun stuff and make it an intent to fit it in. You can never "let yourself go", not in the sense that you don't care about how you LOOK to others but that you stop caring about how you feel and the things you love. If you do that nothing looks good to you. Find beauty wherever you're looking, foster fun, light heartedness and appreciation and then your perception of men will shift. In the meantime, forget em'. Make yourself happy. Love what you got and stay open to more. 

This is a very good advice. The story that I keep telling myself is that I don’t have time for these things right now, but I think I can find time regardless of how busy I think I am. Instead of being on dating apps and judging the men there, I could do something nice for myself, even though I would much rather prefer the negative right now.

[Rose]

14 hours ago, flowboy said:

About the men: if you really want to break out of this negative thinking, then doing shadow work is the way to go.

I'm a bit skeptical that you'll actually try it because your post reads more like venting, but in case you're serious:

google Ken Wilber's 3-2-1 method, read this example, and I'm sure @Phil has a bunch of good things you can do to start feeling and thinking more positive about men.

I’ve done shadow work with my therapist, like I said, I am not in a good place right now, especially how I feel physically, so nasty things are bound to come out. For example, right now happy people annoy me, because I have told myself that I don’t have time for things that make me happy/being happy. 
 

I think right now the best course of action is not to talk to people, or only talk to them when I’ve had enough rest. As well as try to have more awareness of the state that I am in and try to change it bit by bit. Or, perhaps it is the best time to work on my shadow though, everyone is happy when things are going well, but being happy when your life is a chaos and a mess, I think this is a true training opportunity. 
 

@flowboydo you think it could be a good idea to become a “gold digger”? (I really hate this word)

 

I was raised in a deeply stage blue household/culture, being a good-goody is a huge part of my foundation and the guilt and shame that comes with it. Extreme judgement too. Black and white thinking. Wrong and right ways to live a life.
 

If I was to step out of line and do something “unethical” like this, wouldn’t this help me to shake off these good-goody Christian girl structure? 

My therapist said that although I hate all those stage blue qualities in my family/culture, I’ve taken on a lot of these qualities too. I still can’t wrap my mind around it though… my understanding of shadow is… if I strongly judge/despise a person who is a smoker, I am not going to be a smoker myself, I would forbid myself to do such thing as smoking while secretly craving to do that. Perhaps it’s not so tit for tat though, perhaps, yes, I despise the smoker, and then go and myself do a thing that smoker equivalent, like overeat, and then hate myself for doing that too.. idk… OR is it simply that by act of judging them, for being such controlling dogmatic black and white stage blue blue, I am doing the act of judging myself - instead of letting people be however they want and accepting them, I am expecting them to fill out my mold? 

Edited March 5, 2023 by Rose