Expressing my fears

[Serenity]

This is a journal about expressing and facing what scares me.

[Serenity]

I had a panic attack. They happen to me from time to time. It's vicious and completely destabilizing.  There is no question as to why this emotion is at the bottom of the vibrational energy scale.

 

When you are caught up in it, what you feel is loneliness, a separation from the whole. Everything is tinged with despair, with the feeling of being in danger because everything becomes a threat... and also with this feeling of having no power, no way out.

 

When I felt the waves rising, it was really that, an energetic attack of the lowest frequency. And in that context, the thing you want to do is to run away, to stop it from reaching your experience. You want to contain it like a radioactive explosion that would contaminate your whole being and spread to reach the whole... Which it does because EVERYTHING seems isolated when it possesses you.

 

I understand that not facing fear creates a shadow. And probably a pretty energetic one. So here I am. I stop running. Let's look at what there is stored in my unconscious.

[Serenity]

Death.

 

I have a strong fear of death. I am afraid of losing loved ones since I understood for the first time it would happen.

 

At any time this can happen. With anyone.

If I could change it, I would. I want to roll on the floor and pound my fist because this reality is unbearable. All the people I love can disappear and there is nothing I can do to protect them.

 

I remember when I was 7 years old, when my parents got divorced I started to be anxious about it for the first time. 

I wanted to protect my mother. I think I had seen the movie 'Fly away home', and in that movie the little girl's mother dies in a car accident with a truck.  And then I realized that this could happen to my mother too. It was the initial trigger.

 

I became super protective, and at night I was seeking to sleep all the time in her bedroom to make sure nothing would happen to her.

It lasted 1 year, and then eventually it was decided it was enough and I should stop this behavior. Rightfully so, but I never dealt with the problem to the roots. Because the problem is that I am afraid of grief, fear and being left alone, all by myself.  With no one to love be or to take care of me, or no one to share my life with and have beautiful moments.

 

 

[Serenity]

I avoid cemetary and even the thought of funerals makes me want to look away.

 

Seeing how death is a real thing brings reminds me that I'll have to go through loses and grief, and I don't want to deal with any of these experiences. Each time I feel fear about the thought of the experience and I have an impression of powerlessness and that I can't cope with it. I am afraid, as a small tiny ego that experience loss as being real. End of life as being dreadful and definitive. 

 

I suppose there is still a lot of that stage Blue/Orange perspective on it, when I was a kid. Lots of fear around that.

 

Apparently, there are places and perspectives in the human experience where one doesn't hold this perspective and these emotions as terrible. Our true nature doesn't know fear, even when it comes to what I describe. It brings a lot of comfort to know my current sensation are not 'it'.

 

I feel the fear in my body and I cry a lot as I am writing. There are a lot of tingling sensations and muscle spams. 

 

I notice that facing these feelings and sensations is the most important, and once they are written it gets better. I also feel proud of myself for facing this place of division and separateness, and for bringing it a bit closer to unity, universal love and the knowledge of only one self.

 

 

[Serenity]

Fear melts when it is faced with genuine acceptance. Acceptance is what our true nature is made of.

 

Fear= ego

Acceptance= the nature of our BEING.

 

There is no doubt at what wins. 

 

Fear is a ghost projected by the mind. Reality is much more merciful, and what we are is able to accept it with all the love that is necessary.

[Loop]

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

 

I had a panic attack.

 

I have experienced my fair share of those, what is important to notice is there is the experience of fear, but no one is there. It looks like judgement being dropped, which allows it to transform to a higher emotion on the scale. You aren’t separating the distinction ‘fear’ from ‘not-fear’ anymore, so it’s guidance can be trusted, and you can rise again in the more fiery emotions. Once I was able to go through a panic attack without judging it as ‘bad’ it started to transform into feelings of confidence.

 

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

When I felt the waves rising, it was really that, an energetic attack of the lowest frequency. And in that context, the thing you want to do is to run away, to stop it from reaching your experience. You want to contain it like a radioactive explosion that would contaminate your whole being and spread to reach the whole... Which it does because EVERYTHING seems isolated when it possesses you.

There is no such thing as an energy ‘attack’, ‘that context’ is really just thinking. Nothing will contaminate you, you are a fountain of endless Pure Water. Nothing to possess you, just innocent believing of thoughts. 
 

46 minutes ago, Serenity said:

 

I avoid cemetary and even the thought of funerals makes me want to look away.

 

I love going to cemeteries, have had some of my best meditative moments in them. It is like a connecting with ancestors and the cycles of life for me. Some of the most important stuff to contemplate about in my opinion. 
 

10 minutes ago, Serenity said:

Fear melts when it is faced with genuine acceptance. Acceptance is what our true nature is made of.

🙏🏼🤍 

 

[Serenity]

20 minutes ago, Loop said:

I have experienced my fair share of those, what is important to notice is there is the experience of fear, but no one is there. It looks like judgement being dropped, which allows it to transform to a higher emotion on the scale. You aren’t separating the distinction ‘fear’ from ‘not-fear’ anymore, so it’s guidance can be trusted, and you can rise again in the more fiery emotions. Once I was able to go through a panic attack without judging it as ‘bad’ it started to transform into feelings of confidence.

Oh yes, this is exactly what I was going through. Sometimes it comes back a bit, but now I am experiencing another emotion. It's higher on the scale and I wouldn't be able to tell what it is. There is a background of peace that lifts me up, and some contentement. But it's a mixed bag overall, really a melting post of diverse stuff. Like it's one of these 'celebration' chocolate bar box 😅. 

 

I stay with the fear, I surrender to it and eventually I cry it out. I'm surrounded with tissues. I cried a lot. Faced emotions I didn't want to look at for years.

 

But my impression is that I have been suppressing it for so long that there are still much more of it to take me for some rides. Until past fear is mostly out and new fear do not arise because fear itself isn't scary anymore, if it makes sense...

 

44 minutes ago, Loop said:

There is no such thing as an energy ‘attack’, ‘that context’ is really just thinking. Nothing will contaminate you, you are a fountain of endless Pure Water. Nothing to possess you, just innocent believing of thoughts. 

 

It's the illusion of contamination, when it's not recognized as a sham that is tough.

 

46 minutes ago, Loop said:

I love going to cemeteries, have had some of my best meditative moments in them. It is like a connecting with ancestors and the cycles of life for me. Some of the most important stuff to contemplate about in my opinion. 

 

 

Well, when I do, a lot of fear arise.  I'm thinking about who is going to be the next person to die and stuff like that. It's a combination of fear of attachement severance as well as seeing stuff I identify with change and disappear... With people it's particularly tough, because there is also old age, disease, etc.

 

And I have this strong fear of not being enough. The fear, plus the shame, that impression I have that I can't cope and will not resist the challenges really often trick me into thinking it's true. It's a combo of many things, eventually.

 

1 hour ago, Loop said:

🙏🏼🤍 

 

Thank you for your love and attention. It means a lot.

[Loop]

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

Oh yes, this is exactly what I was going through. Sometimes it comes back a bit, but now I am experiencing another emotion. It's higher on the scale and I wouldn't be able to tell what it is. There is a background of peace that lifts me up, and some contentement. But it's a mixed bag overall, really a melting post of diverse stuff. Like it's one of these 'celebration' chocolate bar box 😅. 

I understand, I just seemingly went through something very similar. It isn’t as important to be able to precisely know what emotion(s) are being experienced as much as it is to just let the Guidance permeate into the heart of your being.  
 

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

I stay with the fear, I surrender to it and eventually I cry it out. I'm surrounded with tissues. I cried a lot. Faced emotions I didn't want to look at for years.

 
🤗😭 The body gets lighter every time, no more burden of distrust. 
 

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

But my impression is that I have been suppressing it for so long that there are still much more of it to take me for some rides. Until past fear is mostly out and new fear do not arise because fear itself isn't scary anymore, if it makes sense...

Fear feels curled up into a ball, a baby bird still nesting waiting for it’s time to fly, 

Each desire unfolds, into a new passion for a new tale to be told,

The Author’s inspiration, comes in from every direction, 

The frozen stall, melts into warm eyes, 

Breathing out each sigh, 

Bringing in alinement to all whys!

 

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

Well, when I do, a lot of fear arise.  I'm thinking about who is going to be the next person to die and stuff like that. It's a combination of fear of attachement severance as well as seeing stuff I identify with change and disappear... With people it's particularly tough, because there is also old age, disease, etc.

I feel it too when I go a visit the graveyard, what a better place to embrace that feeling, all I find there is deeper compassion, we are all experiencing the same thing. Let us hold hands and sing, and praise the earth we all spin around, unconditionally being purified. These cycles are so profound, what happened to a body when it is ate by the ground? The worms and bugs bring it all around into the birds above. Evaporation the clouds rain, all the water around into the same. 
 

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

And I have this strong fear of not being enough. The fear, plus the shame, that impression I have that I can't cope and will not resist the challenges really often trick me into thinking it's true. It's a combo of many things, eventually.

 

You aren’t the one the shame is about, it can seem like a combination of multiple things, but it really does just come down to believing vs feeling the thought. Trusting the guidance. 
 

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

Thank you for your love and attention. It means a lot.

Appreciate you as well, I aways learn more from having conversations ☺️

 

[Serenity]

@Loop

 

I am exhausted. Gonna sleep and follow up with you at the next occasion.

 

Thank you so much for having been there for me. 🤍

 

[Loop]

@Serenity

 

Off to bed for me as well.

Always ☺️

The Warmth is right there in You.

 

[Serenity]

15 hours ago, Loop said:

The Warmth is right there in You.

 

The Warmth is us. 

 

🤍

[Loop]

@Serenity

 

In to me out to you, 

A fiery shout to who? 
Compassion rains from the smoke, 

Not-Knowing which, 

All of life scratches the itch,

Totally satisfied,

Without ever knowing why! 
 

[Serenity]

Here are some thoughts or beliefs I have on why one isn't lovable without X or Y.

 

Our current culture operates through this paradigm and we catch these as believes

If you do not perform, you'll be let to die, and you'll be abused by society.

Nobody wants to be around people without external validation capital. It's all about chasing 'survival' value.

 

In this perspective, just being someone is seen as... nothing! Absolutely nothing.

 

We let people starve and die on the street. In the cold. We let people perish from diseases we could have cured. The list is long and scandalous and very sad and I am angry and confused on why this has to happen to fellow human beings. It is cruel. 

 

So we all learn just being isn't enough. Many time, you won't get love for being. And when you are young, the collective madness makes you believe you have to compete for it. And seek it outside. Like a good dog who has got to run after a threat.

 

But what would have happened if we'd value before anything being over doing/achieving? We'd have achieved and done better, first off! 

Finland has the best school system in the world, and that's probably because the school system there let the child build a healthy self-esteem, a sense of capacity, self-worth and so on. Why? Because they are allowed to be and build up their life following what they are, love, and enjoy. They pick what interests them, mind their own buisness without being pressured to do to many things that do not resonate. It goes with the flow.

 

That's a lot of better self-referential thoughts for sure. Poor me, I was already whipped and ask to perform like one of these poor circus beast at the age of 4. Sitting on a chair, doing stuff I saw little interest in more often than not. Not that they weren't interesting, but the issue is that they weren't resonating with me at the T time. I would have thought myself much better if I could have simply looked for what interested me. 

 

So here was the first time I learn my self isn't valid. What you want or are doesn't matter as long as you perform.

 

 

And if you want to be petted, and get the love you crave, you gotta compete.

 

If you don't do well, you're gonna be looked without kindness. So out of fear, you just do and start losing yourself, and even competing.

 

So what you understand is

• performing well <- worth
• being= not enough, nothing

 

Being will get you in the street. Nobody wants an unconditioned, poor performing being. You capitalize on what will give you value, thus love, thinking you have no worth without that.

 

So... what happen if you stop thinking love and protection is to be earned? That actually, being 'makes you full', and give you abundance and will not cause you to end up as a bum nobody loves, dying in the street? 😭

 

 

[Serenity]

21 minutes ago, Loop said:

@Serenity

 

In to me out to you, 

A fiery shout to who? 
Compassion rains from the smoke, 

Not-Knowing which, 

All of life scratches the itch,

Totally satisfied,

Without ever knowing why! 
 

That's beautiful.

 

You've got talent, you know.

[Serenity]

4 minutes ago, Serenity said:

Here are some thoughts or beliefs I have on why one isn't lovable without X or Y.

 

Our current culture operates through this paradigm and we catch these as believes

If you do not perform, you'll be let to die, and you'll be abused by society.

Nobody wants to be around people without external validation capital. It's all about chasing 'survival' value.

 

In this perspective, just being someone is seen as... nothing! Absolutely nothing.

 

We let people starve and die on the street. In the cold. We let people perish from diseases we could have cured. The list is long and scandalous and very sad and I am angry and confused on why this has to happen to fellow human beings. It is cruel. 

 

So we all learn just being isn't enough. Many time, you won't get love for being. And when you are young, the collective madness makes you believe you have to compete for it. And seek it outside. Like a good dog who has got to run after a threat.

 

But what would have happened if we'd value before anything being over doing/achieving? We'd have achieved and done better, first off! 

Finland has the best school system in the world, and that's probably because the school system there let the child build a healthy self-esteem, a sense of capacity, self-worth and so on. Why? Because they are allowed to be and build up their life following what they are, love, and enjoy. They pick what interests them, mind their own buisness without being pressured to do to many things that do not resonate. It goes with the flow.

 

That's a lot of better self-referential thoughts for sure. Poor me, I was already whipped and ask to perform like one of these poor circus beast at the age of 4. Sitting on a chair, doing stuff I saw little interest in more often than not. Not that they weren't interesting, but the issue is that they weren't resonating with me at the T time. I would have thought myself much better if I could have simply looked for what interested me. 

 

So here was the first time I learn my self isn't valid. What you want or are doesn't matter as long as you perform.

 

 

And if you want to be petted, and get the love you crave, you gotta compete.

 

If you don't do well, you're gonna be looked without kindness. So out of fear, you just do and start losing yourself, and even competing.

 

So what you understand is

• performing well <- worth
• being= not enough, nothing

 

Being will get you in the street. Nobody wants an unconditioned, poor performing being. You capitalize on what will give you value, thus love, thinking you have no worth without that.

 

So... what happen if you stop thinking love and protection is to be earned? That actually, being 'makes you full', and give you abundance and will not cause you to end up as a bum nobody loves, dying in the street? 😭

 

 

I am tired to compete. I don't believe it's even a fair game.

 

Actually, it's probably even an illusion.

[Serenity]

Competing for love. 

 

😳

 

Sounds absurd, but 90% of the people I see on the forums are still somewhat doing that. Me included. 

 

If you are unworthy of the admiration, I'm the one getting it! If you are worthy of the admiration, I am not the one getting it!

 

[Serenity]

It all makes no sense. Really.

 

It's not only love that is being chased like that though. It's also the ability to get your needs me.

 

So how do I get my needs me if I do not compete??? Will stuff take care of itself, and you can still achieve and do without the illusion of having to compete?

Hmm.

 

[Serenity]

 

Mi amor

 

Sirenita de los ríos, danza danza con el viento

Sirenita de los ríos, danza danza con el viento

Con tus flores y aromas, perfuma los corazones

Con tus flores y aromas, perfuma los corazones

Cura cura cuerpecitos, limpia limpia espirititus

Cura cura cuerpecito, limpia limpia espirititu

Cantaremos icaritos, abuelita curandera

Danzaremos muy juntitos, sirenita bobinzana

[bnyland]

 

[Serenity]

4 hours ago, bnyland said:

 

I listened to it earlier. It is beautiful.

 

Thank you. 🤍