Expressing my fears

[Serenity]

2 ceremonies scheduled for early next week in the Netherlands.

So far, not so stressed. 

 

I'm thinking "not so much to lose, and a lot to gain". 🙂 

 

Edited December 31, 2022 by Serenity

[Serenity]

Alright, it's starting to be there.

 

I feel a form of strength and a desire to curl up and make myself very small. Like I'm trying to protect myself from an impending experience and prevent it from hurting me.

 

A knot forms in my stomach. I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my body, and my thoughts are filled with doubt. I want to run away from the obstacle.

 

I hate fear. I really hate it. I long for love and faith. For trust, for joy. For lightness. But the stamp of fear continues to taint my experience and contaminate my relationship with the world. That things will get better seems impossible in these moments. Nor for things to go smoothly. I feel unworthy and worthless. I am ready to be crushed. I feel like I can't get out of this situation.

 

In my body, I feel a tightening of muscles. A halo of fear in my limbs. I feel locked up inside. The key is inside me, and no one else can get it out. It's not reassuring, because right now I have no confidence in my ability to handle it. The thought of having only myself disgusts me. It vaguely reminds me of when I was a kid and one of the last of my classmates in sports because I was afraid of the ball. Those who are good at it aren't available. I'm the only one who can lead the way. I feel like crying.

 

I have the distant feeling that I want to cry, and I wonder if I will be able to. I tell myself maybe if I write a little more. I tell myself that I'm pretty shocked at how I talk about myself, and that I don't deserve my own disgust. Self-love is a prerequisite for life's challenges, and I won't get far without it.

 

I think I feel echoes of other times in my life when I felt I wasn't meeting the world enough. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't an abyss of fear and despair that overwhelmed and engulfed me as I wondered how to get through this zone, this turbulence.

 

There's a lot to erase, I don't know how to tackle what's coming at me. I guess I'm not sure how I feel or how to discern the contours. There are so many perspectives to take.

 

I think my anxiety is fueled by other self-centered feelings. For example, I know that during my first ceremonies I was scared to death that the ayahuasca spirit wouldn't like me. I'm always afraid that people won't like me (well, not really, because there are some people I can write off quickly) and that I'm not good enough. Often I don't know where to fit in or how to act. I adapt to make sure the people I want to be loved by love me back. But maybe behind that is a sense of deception and hypervigilance? I don't know.

 

In any case, the plant has taken good care of me. It made me vomit emotional poison. That was clearly the most loving thing she could do, so that was unfounded. It also showed me that I was perfect underneath the pain and trauma I was carrying, and that she knew how to remove the emotional residue that was hurting me. I was supposed to write a trip report about it, but I was too busy writing the private trip report I wrote at X in October.

 

Okay, that's enough. I'm gonna stop now because I'm feeling a little better.

 

[Loop]

23 hours ago, Serenity said:

The thought of having only myself disgusts me. It vaguely reminds me of when I was a kid and one of the last of my classmates in sports because I was afraid of the ball.

Feeling you there, I grew up with the same but it was more that nobody wanted to choose me then I was afraid, but both really. I used to cry a lot about having no friends when I was in grade school. Then there was this time I remember being hit in the face with a soccer ball back to back by other kids intentionally kicking it at me. Ahh, the joys of childhood 🙃

 

23 hours ago, Serenity said:

I think I feel echoes of other times in my life when I felt I wasn't meeting the world enough. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't an abyss of fear and despair that overwhelmed and engulfed me as I wondered how to get through this zone, this turbulence.

 

23 hours ago, Serenity said:

I hate fear. I really hate it. I long for love and faith. For trust, for joy. For lightness. But the stamp of fear continues to taint my experience and contaminate my relationship with the world. That things will get better seems impossible in these moments. Nor for things to go smoothly. I feel unworthy and worthless. I am ready to be crushed. I feel like I can't get out of this situation.

 

You are hearing the voices of the lost children as you sink into Listening, you might be interpreting it as a physical sensation, but as you sit with it & perceive the body the feeling & thinking start to peel away from each other, then you can talk to the inner child & allow the energetic knots to untangle.

 

23 hours ago, Serenity said:

A knot forms in my stomach. I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my body, and my thoughts are filled with doubt. I want to run away from the obstacle.

 

I would say this is the feeling & thought ‘stuck together’,
The key is already You, beaming a sunny smile down onto the fear, looking for the key is what keeps the Door locked in a sense.

 

23 hours ago, Serenity said:

There's a lot to erase, I don't know how to tackle what's coming at me. I guess I'm not sure how I feel or how to discern the contours. There are so many perspectives to take.

 

Don’t erase anything, listen, allow it all to transform around Love. 🤍

A good technique for when emotions get too intense is to stop focusing on it as soon as you feel the slightest bit of overwhelm start to boil up start to rhythmically tap with your hands, then when you feel the overwhelm start to dissipate go back to the looking inwards. This is a type of nervous system regulation, strategically looking away. 🌝

 

Then there is looking straight into the feeling and asking it what it needs, “If this sensation had a voice, what would it be telling me?” 🌞

Been a while since I have done a psychedelic, if I was gonna go into it again it would defiantly be ayahuasca. I have been told there is a group around where I live that does ceremonies, gotta go find them some time. 
 

Edited January 3, 2023 by Loop

[Serenity]

5 hours ago, Loop said:

Feeling you there, I grew up with the same but it was more that nobody wanted to choose me then I was afraid, but both really. I used to cry a lot about having no friends when I was in grade school. Then there was this time I remember being hit in the face with a soccer ball back to back by other kids intentionally kicking it at me. Ahh, the joys of childhood 🙃

Oh good lord, this is so mean!  😒

I'm sorry you had to experience this.

5 hours ago, Loop said:

You are hearing the voices of the lost children as you sink into Listening, you might be interpreting it as a physical sensation, but as you sit with it & perceive the body the feeling & thinking start to peel away from each other, then you can talk to the inner child & allow the energetic knots to untangle.

I'll try to talk to the inner child next time it arises, then. I think I have a tendency to assimilate sadness with inner child work more than fear or anger. You might be into someone there.

5 hours ago, Loop said:

I would say this is the feeling & thought ‘stuck together’,
The key is already You, beaming a sunny smile down onto the fear, looking for the key is what keeps the Door locked in a sense.

That's so beautifully said, and it also seems very correct.

The feeling seems so intense though, it's difficult to be with it.

5 hours ago, Loop said:

A good technique for when emotions get too intense is to stop focusing on it as soon as you feel the slightest bit of overwhelm start to boil up start to rhythmically tap with your hands, then when you feel the overwhelm start to dissipate go back to the looking inwards. This is a type of nervous system regulation, strategically looking away. 🌝

 

Then there is looking straight into the feeling and asking it what it needs, “If this sensation had a voice, what would it be telling me?” 🌞

 

I'll try that technique, thanks for sharing. I struggle a LOT with nervous system regulation.

5 hours ago, Loop said:

Been a while since I have done a psychedelic, if I was gonna go into it again it would defiantly be ayahuasca. I have been told there is a group around where I live that does ceremonies, gotta go find them some time. 
 

If you've got the occasion to do it, I would definitely recommend it as a way to purge deeply rooted emotions. The catch is that a ceremony is (often) a lot of rough work until someone is well aligned, so it's very intense. Ayahuasca is so powerful, really.

 

To be honest, this morning I am wondering why on earth did I decide to register for two ceremonies. Last time as I was going through it, I couldn't help but think " never again!" or "my friends setted me up for a trap" 😂.

The ego would like to flee,  because healing is a sort of death for it.

 

You are lucky to have a group doing ceremonies close to you. It's tough to find good leads in certain areas of the world. Today, I am traveling to the Netherlands for what is actually an ANAHUASCA ceremony because the real Ayahuasca is banned even in the Netherlands.

 

The two first ceremony were the real deal, with a shaman who is a friend of a friend, but he wasn't hosting any ceremony at the moment for me to go. I tried to go early december, but my period fell at the worst possible time so I couldn't sit with him.

 

 

Edited January 3, 2023 by Serenity

[Loop]

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

I'll try that technique, thanks for sharing. I struggle a LOT with nervous system regulation.

Nervous system regulation is something I have been studying for sometime now, I feel it is going to be the central to my career & what I’ll be studying whenever I go to university. Trauma & the nervous system, neuropsychology. It is a field that needs/ is going through a lot of evolution right now. There is just so much learning I wanna do before I go, as when you are in university you don’t get as much free time to study what you want to study personally, gotta go along with their material. 

 

Deep breathing, tapping, and shaking are some of the main simple ones. Emotional blockages are of a higher frequency and kind of have to be shook down back into the body. The more complex techniques are hard to explain as nervous system regulation is more of an intuitive thing.

 

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

I'll try to talk to the inner child next time it arises, then. I think I have a tendency to assimilate sadness with inner child work more than fear or anger. You might be into someone there.

You don’t really gotta talk to her, listen with the Heart, & the talking to/ feeling through will happen on it’s own. Skillfully use the nervous system regulation techniques to allow yourself to keep track of what is going on without getting so overwhelmed that you get ‘thrown off’.

 

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

The feeling seems so intense though, it's difficult to be with it.

This is exactly when you wanna resort to nervous system regulation, and then as the calmness comes back, let go of the technique, and know it is always there if you feel like you need to go back to it. 🤍

 

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

To be honest, this morning I am wondering why on earth did I decide to register for two ceremonies. Last time as I was going through it, I couldn't help but think " never again!" or "my friends setted me up for a trap" 😂.

The ego would like to flee,  because healing is a sort of death for it.

Reminds me of my LSD trips, I would almost always go through these emotional releases after taking it, but before the trip started, the ego knew what was coming 🤯😇

 

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

You are lucky to have a group doing ceremonies close to you. It's tough to find good leads in certain areas of the world. Today, I am traveling to the Netherlands for what is actually an ANAHUASCA ceremony because the real Ayahuasca is banned even in the Netherlands.

Technically it isn’t legal here, but the group that does it is allow to as it is part of their tradition I have been told.

May the spirts guide you to You. Listen to the inner child as if she is a spirit encounter on a trip, they are sending you a message from Yourself. 

 

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

The two first ceremony were the real deal, with a shaman who is a friend of a friend, but he wasn't hosting any ceremony at the moment for me to go. I tried to go early december, but my period fell at the worst possible time so I couldn't sit with him.

Perhaps it wasn’t time yet? Devine intervention? 😂

 

[Serenity]

A very quick update:

 

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful and lots of healing and realization took place. I am still a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of the journey, so I'll stop there for now.

 

I'll go in more details in the upcoming days. The second ceremony is for tomorrow and I need to rest.

 

Just want to say to everyone reading these words: real love is unconditional. The gaze is so important. The look at YOU. ❤️🤍❤️

 

 

[Serenity]

3 hours ago, Loop said:

Nervous system regulation is something I have been studying for sometime now, I feel it is going to be the central to my career & what I’ll be studying whenever I go to university. Trauma & the nervous system, neuropsychology. It is a field that needs/ is going through a lot of evolution right now. There is just so much learning I wanna do before I go, as when you are in university you don’t get as much free time to study what you want to study personally, gotta go along with their material. 

 

Deep breathing, tapping, and shaking are some of the main simple ones. Emotional blockages are of a higher frequency and kind of have to be shook down back into the body. The more complex techniques are hard to explain as nervous system regulation is more of an intuitive thing.

 

You don’t really gotta talk to her, listen with the Heart, & the talking to/ feeling through will happen on it’s own. Skillfully use the nervous system regulation techniques to allow yourself to keep track of what is going on without getting so overwhelmed that you get ‘thrown off’.

 

This is exactly when you wanna resort to nervous system regulation, and then as the calmness comes back, let go of the technique, and know it is always there if you feel like you need to go back to it. 🤍

 

Reminds me of my LSD trips, I would almost always go through these emotional releases after taking it, but before the trip started, the ego knew what was coming 🤯😇

 

Technically it isn’t legal here, but the group that does it is allow to as it is part of their tradition I have been told.

May the spirts guide you to You. Listen to the inner child as if she is a spirit encounter on a trip, they are sending you a message from Yourself. 

 

Perhaps it wasn’t time yet? Devine intervention? 😂

 Loopy ❤️ 🤍❤️

 

A big yes to everything! This is a fantastic, deep and so on point reply.  🥰😍🥰

[Loop]

🌺💞🌺

 

Rest the mind,

No-time,

Off the moon attune.

 

🥰

 

Edited January 4, 2023 by Loop

[Serenity]

Identity wise, I feel like the Schrödinger cat, half-alive, half-dead. The old "me" looks foreign.

 

The only way forward is towards more truth. Where no identity exists.

 

This scares my current sense of self, though.

 

[Phil]

The emotional scale.

[Serenity]

I'm still dealing with a lot of fear. 

 

Lately, I can't stand grief, end of life/illness, death, violence and hurt.

 

I just have to look at the news, at where we are at as a society, the life challenges beloved ones and anonymous people are going through, and I start weeping. I don't want any of that. I am sad consciousness needs to experience these horrors in the relative. And I am afraid of the world and of Life.

 

It's a shitty place to be. I know other perspectives are possible as I have experienced a few time in my life Divine unconditional love, but I still don't understand how to navigate all of that in my current baseline.

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Serenity

[Serenity]

I WANT PEACE. SERENITY. JOY. BEAUTY

 

[Serenity]

5 hours ago, Phil said:

The emotional scale.

How would I express jealousy for that type of fear? No one's got it better... Or am I missing something? 🤨

 

Spiritual masters all seems to have surrendered to it. Maybe I should be jealous of that?

[Serenity]

Ooooh. It's all me. It's all consciousness. Consciousness on consciousness.

 

Consciousness fearing itself and thus inflicting suffering on itself.

 

[Phil]

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

Ooooh. It's all me. It's all consciousness. Consciousness on consciousness.

♥️🎯

*Is. 

 

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

Consciousness fearing itself and thus inflicting suffering on itself.

Consciousness appearing as thoughts - appearing as creation - is ‘creation’… and is feeling, experiencing - thoughts. Fear isn’t of consciousness. Consciousness is (already) consciousness. Fear is how some thoughts feel. Typically the grey & black bars on the scale are how false self referential thoughts feel to feeling. There’s an inward orientation, in trying to internalize or impose upon consciousness (you) beliefs which aren’t indicative of the unconditionality of consciousness.

 

Jealousy is thee shift. The shift of alignment with that you are creating. 

 

Self referential thoughts (beliefs) don’t create. 

Alignment… consciousness… focus… wanted (thought of)… creates.

Resonates. It’s ‘why you came’. 

‘It’s’ being. 🤍

 

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

How would I express jealousy for that type of fear? No one's got it better... Or am I missing something? 🤨

 

Spiritual masters all seems to have surrendered to it. Maybe I should be jealous of that?

Fear is an emotion. Jealousy is an emotion. “Jealousy for fear” is confusing. It’s like “apples for pears”. An apple is a fruit, a pear is a fruit. You’re eating one or eating the other, but not eating one for the other per se. Make sense?

 

Might be helpful, seeing through fear…

1. It’s guidance, about thoughts & beliefs, which is felt. More so - which is feeling. 

2. When fear is experienced / felt - is there a thought about a second self, or second entity? 

3. And or, is there a thought about ‘the’ or ‘an’ unknown?

 

The ‘move’ from fear to jealousy is all good imo, and using the scale makes it really simple. But, “spiritual masters” is not only a belief in a separate entity, but implies above you. There is certainly neither - and emotion ‘tells us’ so. It’s an invitation to avert, aversion. We’re all ‘in it together’. All parallel. There are of course ‘cases’, where via emotional suppression and ‘spiritual ego’, this (all parallel) doesn’t seem to be the case, but that’s ‘inner’ justification & rationalization, which is compensation / self deception. Like how a bully is always actually suffering & hurting the most. 

Make sense?

 

Might be a major ‘ah ha’ between the belief in spiritual masters… and seeing how the ‘spiritual ego’ essentially hijacked and purported, resulting in misleadership, in regard to Ourself & fear and self deception. Put another way, ‘ego’ is deception, deception is not indicative of Ourself. When there is emotional suppression, the self deception of ‘ego’ is believed & innocently claimed to be the self deception of source / Ourself… when a false self image of “the knower” / “the one who understands” is upheld at all costs, even ‘one’s own’ bodily health, alignment, relationships, reputation, etc… in denial & avoidance of the fact (and much, much more relevantly the true nature)… that infinite can not know finite. It’s all a way of ‘the ego’ hanging onto “finite”. 

 

Also…. Schrödinger’s cat isn’t half alive and half dead. It’s neither “alive”nor “dead”. (Imo) the point is about “knowing” & there being “a knower” that there is “alive” and “dead”. The experiment is evidence ‘in the face’ of the belief / false identity, similar to how the double slit experiment dispels “the observer”, “duality”. 

 

And ideally, hopefully… dispels ‘the survival narrative’. 

 

Creator-Creating-Creation. 🤍