Expressing my fears

[Serenity]

[Serenity]

 

Sirenita de los ríos, danza danza con el viento

Dear mermaid of the rivers, dance, dance with the wind

Con tus flores y aromas, perfuma los corazones

With your flowers and aromas, perfuming hearts

Cura cura cuerpecitos, limpia limpia espirititos

Heal, heal our dear bodies, cleanse, cleanse our spirits

Cantaremos icaritos, sesioncita de Ayahuasca

We will sing icaros, in an Ayahuasca ceremony

Danzaremos muy juntitos, sirenita bobinsana

We will dance very close, little mermaid bobinsana

[Serenity]

I suffer.

 

The fear feels like a fire burning me from within. The world looks scary. I hate so many of the experiences people have to go through. I'm having a hard time finding peace.

 

I am afraid. Thousands little stuff. Bigger stuff.

 

Feeling like a small wave, in a scary ocean.

 

Sadness, grief, fear, shame... despair... powerlessness.

 

Uncomfortable with the earthly as I am afraid of 'negative' experience. Uncomfortable with the spiritual too.

 

I really wish to be held.

 

Yet real intimacy is so scarce for me. I feel alone.

Edited November 25, 2022 by Serenity

[Serenity]

I'm afraid to do the ceremonies.

 

I'm slacking on buying the transportation tickets.

*sigh*

[Loop]

21 hours ago, Serenity said:

I really wish to be held.

Me too 🥲 At one point my family members stopped hugging each other, we were all traumatized from an accident that multiple of us were in, huge fighter over who loved who. But that fear was only because they all really do love each other. I just go straight up to them and hug them when I see them most of the time now, none of that thought non-sense about who loves who.  
 

21 hours ago, Serenity said:

I am afraid.

Is there really one who is afraid, or just a seeming self in the Arms of Awareness? 
 

[Serenity]

2 hours ago, Loop said:

Me too 🥲 At one point my family members stopped hugging each other, we were all traumatized from an accident that multiple of us were in, huge fighter over who loved who. But that fear was only because they all really do love each other. I just go straight up to them and hug them when I see them most of the time now, none of that thought non-sense about who loves who.  
 

Is it the same accident that left you wounded? I suppose so, but I am just asking.

What you are saying about your family members reminds me of that quote

Quote

 

 

What I have found to be unanimous about people is that they guard and act like they don't want you to touch the places inside them that they are the most desperate for you to touch.

 

- Teal Swan

 

Great you saw through and give them each hugs. 😄

 

2 hours ago, Loop said:

Is there really one who is afraid, or just a seeming self in the Arms of Awareness? 
 

There is only the ego illusion that is afraid. Fear = dark mind fog on actuality.

Practical for survival... but also useless one is mature enough to see its ego-shell burst.

 

Went to the park today. Never realized before how much I needed nature to help me stay grounded. A walk in the park and the mind is much more quieter... It's fantastic.

 

Yoga also helps me a lot.

[Loop]

2 hours ago, Serenity said:

Is it the same accident that left you wounded? I suppose so, but I am just asking.

Yep, apparently I was in a coma for a bit and my parents were told I was most likely gonna die. They wanted to do spinal surgery & brain surgery on me but I had so much internal bleeding that they determined I was gonna need to recover without much of anything, so they sat me the ICU for awhile. Hit my hip on the left side, and the top of my head. Essentially distorting the entire spine, top and bottom.
I was in a passenger seat of a vehicle that flipped twice and launched most of us out into a bunch of trees. 
 

2 hours ago, Serenity said:

Great you saw through and give them each hugs. 😄

Beautiful quote, I resonate, really points to somethings that is usually overlooked. Those boundaries are there for a reason, but boundaries put up by beliefs feel suffocating, it really takes a lot of trusting Feeling-Guidance to get to a point where the belief boundaries drop and you just maintain health boundaries through an initiative trust and confidence in how things feel. When everyone in the family is closed off, it can feel pretty cold and dark, but it really takes just one person to shift the whole dynamic by coming into alinement, just expressing appreciation like crazy, as much as you can. 

 

2 hours ago, Serenity said:

There is only the ego illusion that is afraid. Fear = dark mind fog on actuality.

Practical for survival... but also useless one is mature enough to see its ego-shell burst.

That there is a self/ ego that is even afraid at all is the illusion. Self-referential thought. 
If there is fear there, that is Feeling-Guidance about the thought you are currently thinking, and self-referential thoughts really feel off.
Let the fear be free to transmute, reach for a better feeling thought. 
 

2 hours ago, Serenity said:

Went to the park today. Never realized before how much I needed nature to help me stay grounded. A walk in the park and the mind is much more quieter... It's fantastic.

 

Yoga also helps me a lot.

Awesome, nothing like good time spent connecting with Nature, and yoking yourself into Union with Yoga 🙏🏼🤍

 

Edited November 26, 2022 by Loop

[Serenity]

39 minutes ago, Loop said:

Yep, apparently I was in a coma for a bit and my parents were told I was most likely gonna die. They wanted to do spinal surgery & brain surgery on me but I had so much internal bleeding that they determined I was gonna need to recover without much of anything, so they sat me the ICU for awhile. Hit my hip on the left side, and the top of my head. Essentially distorting the entire spine, top and bottom.
I was in a passenger seat of a vehicle that flipped twice and launched most of us out into a bunch of trees. 
 

😐

 

I can't imagine how terrible this experience must have been.

This had to be a turning point in each of you guys life and a deep experience in surrendering.

 

How is your relationship to your body since then?

42 minutes ago, Loop said:

Beautiful quote, I resonate, really points to somethings that is usually overlooked. Those boundaries are there for a reason, but boundaries put up by beliefs feel suffocating, it really takes a lot of trusting Feeling-Guidance to get to a point where the belief boundaries drop and you just maintain health boundaries through an initiative trust and confidence in how things feel. When everyone in the family is closed off, it can feel pretty cold and dark, but it really takes just one person to shift the whole dynamic by coming into alinement, just expressing appreciation like crazy, as much as you can. 

 

 

Thank you. Your analaysis on boundaries is spot on, but I think to make it even simpler it highlights our deepest connection to oneness. Even when the person identify as a separate self.😃

 

46 minutes ago, Loop said:

That there is a self/ ego that is even afraid at all is the illusion. Self-referential thought. 
If there is fear there, that is Feeling-Guidance about the thought you are currently thinking, and self-referential thoughts really feel off.
Let the fear be free to transmute, reach for a better feeling thought. 
 

Do you still experience self-referential thoughts?

 

47 minutes ago, Loop said:

Awesome, nothing like good time spent connecting with Nature, and yoking yourself into Union with Yoga 🙏🏼🤍

 

It's very fulfilling, indeed. 🙂

 

I'm under the impression I need to build deeper roots. Too much conceptual knowledge on my side. It's time for me to feel the connection from the ground up.

[Loop]

15 minutes ago, Serenity said:

How is your relationship to your body since then?

 

I couldn’t really understand anything for the first few months afterward, nothing I did made any sense. No coordination  with anything.

Now, sometimes it isn’t even there, just profound peace.
Most of the time it is there, but it is like I am not controlling it at all, there might be pain somewhere is some form, but Intuition takes over and the body starts working out the knot. Ever since I did N-N DMT I experience all pain as the same thing, a distinction showing you where the needle that the knot is tensed around is.

 

50 minutes ago, Serenity said:

I can't imagine how terrible this experience must have been.

This had to be a turning point in each of you guys life and a deep experience in surrendering.

In some way yeah, in another way I find that after these kinds of things happen years later you might come to realize why it needed to happen or was a gift in some way, but at the same time allowing the trauma, suffering, & pain to be what it is. Then it’s really untangling. 
 

54 minutes ago, Serenity said:

Thank you. Your analaysis on boundaries is spot on, but I think to make it even simpler it highlights our deepest connection to oneness. Even when the person identify as a separate self.😃

 

☺️🤍 Wonderful

 

57 minutes ago, Serenity said:

Do you still experience self-referential thoughts?

When I do I don’t, as is to say as soon as I seem to experience it ‘I’ drops, no more self to reference, no more me to experience a thought. I went through a period where I experienced them very frequently, right now not as much. 
 

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

It's very fulfilling, indeed. 🙂

 

I'm under the impression I need to build deeper roots. Too much conceptual knowledge on my side. It's time for me to feel the connection from the ground up.

I resonate with that for sure. The first few years after the injuries I was super disassociated from the Ground, all up ‘in my head’,  I felt so much overwhelment from the pain. Traditional doctors didn’t help, some of them just wanted to give me opioids… So I did a lot of my own reading and just feeling into my body, also eventually found an osteopath who has helped me too. 
Be with the Earth, return back to Springs of Well Being. To just enjoy that alone, to be grounded and allow the bodies natural healing powers, nothing really like it, just Feeling, don’t need any knowing. 

 

[Serenity]

21 hours ago, Loop said:

 

I couldn’t really understand anything for the first few months afterward, nothing I did made any sense. No coordination  with anything.

Now, sometimes it isn’t even there, just profound peace.
Most of the time it is there, but it is like I am not controlling it at all, there might be pain somewhere is some form, but Intuition takes over and the body starts working out the knot. Ever since I did N-N DMT I experience all pain as the same thing, a distinction showing you where the needle that the knot is tensed around is.

 

Yeah, you told me this. I am very intrigued as I don't understand it very well.

 

21 hours ago, Loop said:

In some way yeah, in another way I find that after these kinds of things happen years later you might come to realize why it needed to happen or was a gift in some way, but at the same time allowing the trauma, suffering, & pain to be what it is. Then it’s really untangling.

 

Yes. In retrospect that is very often the conclusion. You're an ocean of wisdom and strength, it's truly remarkable.🙂

21 hours ago, Loop said:

When I do I don’t, as is to say as soon as I seem to experience it ‘I’ drops, no more self to reference, no more me to experience a thought. I went through a period where I experienced them very frequently, right now not as much.

 

I think I see what type of state you are talking about. Not fully enlightened but really close to it. A matter of 'time' until it's definitive.. right?

21 hours ago, Loop said:

I resonate with that for sure. The first few years after the injuries I was super disassociated from the Ground, all up ‘in my head’,  I felt so much overwhelment from the pain. Traditional doctors didn’t help, some of them just wanted to give me opioids… So I did a lot of my own reading and just feeling into my body, also eventually found an osteopath who has helped me too. 

 

 

It's both a very sad and a very beautiful story to read.  

 

What you say is very interesting. I have been reading a lot about the root chakra and the lower chakra lately, and it seems like people who experience traumatizing events in the body use their mind and the spirituality to help them protect themselves and cope. So I am not surprised you had to reground yourself and allow yourself to feel what seemed so unbearable.

 

You are very resilient. 🙂 

 

[Loop]

3 hours ago, Serenity said:

You're an ocean of wisdom and strength, it's truly remarkable.🙂

Yes You are, yes You are. 🙏🏼

 

3 hours ago, Serenity said:

I think I see what type of state you are talking about. Not fully enlightened but really close to it. A matter of 'time' until it's definitive.. right?

No one ever gets enlightened, you just settle down, back into the Seat. Allowing all to come and all to go. It is a matter of no-time. I don’t know what is next honestly, the Vortex just takes me. 
 

4 hours ago, Serenity said:

It's both a very sad and a very beautiful story to read.  

 

☺️

 

4 hours ago, Serenity said:

What you say is very interesting. I have been reading a lot about the root chakra and the lower chakra lately, and it seems like people who experience traumatizing events in the body use their mind and the spirituality to help them protect themselves and cope. So I am not surprised you had to reground yourself and allow yourself to feel what seemed so unbearable.

Yeah it caused me to focused wayyyyyyy more on the higher ones and now I’m am just plummeting down into the Earth. Like I found the speak of yin in the yang and, now I am finding the speak of yang in the yin. 
Rain storms down from the Sky, lava pours up from the Earth’s Core. 
Together, neither, Forever. 

 

4 hours ago, Serenity said:

You are very resilient. 🙂 

Yes You are, Bright Shining Star,

Awareness never died in that car. 
 

 

[Serenity]

I am as I am. There is no need to camouflage elements for the sake of looking more spiritual, or different than I am in actuality.

 

I accept myself, and where I am at.

 

There is both light and an illusion of obscurity in me. But the illusion isn't always recognized as such.

Edited December 3, 2022 by Serenity

[Serenity]

What a shock last night. I was reluctant to listen to the video because I wanted to avoid heavy topics related to the human condition such as death, illness and letting go and I knew that the analogy of the cross did not bode well...

 

And indeed, Eckhart, my beloved teacher for many years, seems to have fallen victim to a potentially lethal cancer a few months ago. According to the evidence, the prognosis was not so good but not hopeless and after surgery, and thanks to his unparalleled ability to let go, he was able to pull through.

 

What a mix of pain and joy. Joy that he is still here, like the wise contemporary Buddha that he is, and sorrow to be reminded of his vulnerability and that health problems are the lot of human beings. 

 

Perhaps I still had that childish and naive impression that spirituality and presence preserved 'the good one's from the worst challenges. Challenges will always be there. There is no protection or ways to dodge it. Letting go and surrender is all there is to do.

Edited December 7, 2022 by Serenity

[bnyland]

 

[Serenity]

@bnyland

 Queen's energy is very much wired towards surrender. I never paid attention to it before. 🙂

 

 

 

[Serenity]

Had my first session with Phil.

 

Found my nature. Then, now, seemingly I am back in the person. It's an unhappy place, a jail for consciousness when fearful thoughts come. Or feelings of guilt, should do and don't.

 

I am very tired, lately. No energy for much.

 

I fear both the ego and the adventure of operating through no self. Changing my life according to it. This realm is so unfamiliar. It's almost like being born again into a new reality.

 

[Serenity]

I came to a great realization today.

 

I fear self-referential 'negative' thoughts because I remember the suffering caused by its hell. I fear hell, so I fear the self-referential negative thoughts.

It's like having PTSD and never wanting to go nearby a certain situation again.

 

But I still experience them. They exist on a spectrum of remotely annoying ones to terror.

Edited December 13, 2022 by Serenity

[Serenity]

I wanted to engage and reply to my friends on the forum tonight, but I have a bad headache.  Please forgive me if I've been low energy in the last weeks.

[Serenity]

I should rename myself and go by Anxiety. 😂

[Serenity]

Quote

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 

-Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: