ivankiss
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Posts posted by ivankiss
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Update? Yes sir.
I moved into an apartment, 50km or so away from the coast. I'm surrounded by forest. In the morning I hear the birds chirping. It's nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It's peaceful and quite here. Maybe even a bit too quite. It was a bit of a shock at first. Still, I feel like this is exactly what I need now. Some time and space away from all the noise and distractions. I have everything I need. A beautiful, cosy little apartment, that I'm paying little to nothing for. All the music equipment that I need to create. No one is bothering me here. No one is in my way. No one, but me. By eliminating all these "obstacles", the Universe is making it more and more obvious that I am the only one in my way. Nothing is ever holding me back but me. And even though that was kinda, sorta obvious to me all along, now there's just no way around staring it directly into its face. Staring into the mirror.
The first three nights were quite uncomfortable. I was oscillating between being super grateful for all these blessings and feeling super down, trapped and alone. Obviously, the recent events with a newfound love have affected me quite a bit. I could not find a way out of those thought loops. I kept sinking back into them and trying to reach some sort of a conclusion. Make sense of it all. Emotionally speaking, I experienced heaven and hell in this apartment already, and its only been a few days.
The only time I was able to completely let go of it all and be grounded in genuine joy and love was while I was creating. Trying to distil all these thoughts and emotions and channel them into a piece of music. I cannot say I have succeeded just yet, but I got things going. I started building a momentum. It's hard, I cannot lie. I feel so distant. It's like it all happened several lifetimes away. When I used to be in flow in create with ease. When I used to care about nothing but music. When there were only melodies and rhythms in my mind. It's all here still, but I have to become friends with it again and earn its trust, in a sense. I turned my back on that part of me, and it has not forgotten. It knows its all that I truly desire and its challenging me. It might sound funny or make no sense, but I can intuit exactly what's going on. I am reuniting with an aspect of me that I denied and neglected in pursuit of other things. Things that all ended up turning to sand. Only this love remained.
I might stay here over winter. I'm not 100% sure just yet. I just got my car back. There's still an option of selling it and moving some place else, but I don't really think that's a smart choice. Why would I leave what I have here behind? If I stay, I could save up some real nice money during winter time I then embark on a journey on spring. That makes much more sense.
What about her though?
Well... She's here. We spent some time together and somehow she came up with the idea to spend a week at my place. I guess she craved some peace and quite away from everything too. It only makes sense. Of course I was for it, immediately. Even though I was a little bit shocked.
We arrived today. She's slowly making herself feel at home, I guess. At the moment, while I'm typing these words, listening to Corpo Mente's self titled album, she's sitting on the couch and teaching English. It's kinda surreal. Just a few nights ago I thought this would never happen.
I don't really expect anything and I don't know where this is leading. The general idea is to do our own things while sharing space. Then spend our free time spoiling each other with massages, cooking for each other, making love, hiking, talking, etc. Sounds nice. We'll see how it goes.
That's what's going on now. Everything is still kinda uncertain, but I have a good feeling about things. I'm scared, curious and excited, all at once.
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On 10/18/2022 at 2:55 PM, Loop said:
Indeed it is, on some level it is more enjoyable when you hit a nice juicy note but didn’t expect the sound it made, like a nice surprise. The Gift of the present.
Exactly! So many things happen in music that can be directly linked to "real life". At leas I'm seeing it that way.
On 10/18/2022 at 2:55 PM, Loop said:That’s awesome, I never taught myself to write sheet music, but defiantly something I am gonna get into. Right now I am mostly focused on designing sounds that I like with my effects boxes. Then I am gonna be more focused on writing melodies and harmonies. When I improvise I usually focus on song structure, like intro, verse, chorus, outro, etc, re-arranged in different ways to make different feeling structures. I find it really fun because it give me some structure to the improvisation when I am playing alone, but doesn’t concretely place any notes anywhere so you have to come up with the content.
Sounds great. What instrument do you play?
I'm fascinated by sound design and I played around with it in the past, but its far from being my strength. I have some basic mixing and mastering skills, but even that has plenty of room for improvement left. Designing a sound from scratch though is another thing. I had a short little run in electronic music, mainly dnb and dubstep, and I tried to create my own sounds.... It was ok I guess, but far from being at a "pro level". It's a whole new world.
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22 hours ago, Phil said:
Ivan is the spontaneous improvisation of infinite you.
So, Ivan is a solo 😄 That's very cool.
23 hours ago, Phil said:Great chops btw!
I feel like something's not quite there yet...it could be better. But thanks!
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@WhiteOwl Much love and respect to you.
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@Loop Interesting, thanks. I thought of it as 'channeling' before too. It really feels like that. I love how it's like you're carving a path, in the middle of nowhere, trying to arrive home. It's so satisfying when you land on a tasty note.
I was always focused on writing music. Since I can remember. I learned a few songs by my favorite bands too, but that was never really my main focus. It was always about creating something original. I always had everything written down, black on white, note for note. Rarely did I ever improvise a solo over my music. It was always 'predetermined'. And now I'm kinda starting to see the limitation of that. Would love to improve in this area.
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What is improvisation? Where does it come from and why is it so tricky? 😁 It's like surfing, I imagine. You can be thrown off at any moment. It's very much about balance. Intuition, also.
I suck at improv quite a bit. I was never really focused on it before. Today I decided to try and improve my skills a little bit.
Here's how it went:
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Your highest desires are not manifesting not because your law of attraction skills are broken, but because you have not become who you need to be in order to handle what you want with grace, maturity and balance.
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@Phil Sounds tempting, and I think that's what I'm already heading towards, but I'm going to try and find my own way.
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Heed not my hundred reasons at midnight
I belong here
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3 hours ago, Phil said:
Hitting the nail on the head would just be too much for anyone to bear.
And what is that? Made me curious.
Is it that there is no me, no her and it's all just God imagining stuff? That there are no two and it's all One?
3 hours ago, Phil said:You say you want clarity on this, but really, just let it go. You don’t really want that band aid ripped off like you say.
I want it, but I'm also terrified.
'Just let go' sounds so easy. But it seems I'm not the one letting go of anything. I'm the one being let go of. It's letting go of me.
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Cross over and turn
Feel the spot don't let it burn
We all want we all yearn
Be soft don't be stern
Lullaby
Was not supposed to make you cry
I sang the words I meant
I sang -
Constant noise behind the overcoming
I had no choice but to rearrange
The scar is open, I am not allowed to understand
I take it as you're not coming back
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I dug my own grave, didn't I?
I was trying to keep some distance because I knew I wasn't ready for the real deal. I was still wounded and confused from my previous relationship. And I was already committed to a certain path that I've chosen. I wanted to protect myself, but somewhere down the line I gave in and let myself be taken over by this. I got too attached. I did not expect to fall in love like this.
She did not want anything too serious either. It wasn't just me. I understand she did not violate our agreement or anything. But she did not need to rub things in my face, either. Of course it was painful. And she admitted it would be painful for her too, had I done the same. It is just how she was coping with our situation, she said. By withdrawing, shutting down and acting like she doesn't really care. I can understand that.
Either way, I'm very grateful for this ride. It was fun, intense and beautiful. Lots of lessons. A lot to love and appreciate. Last time it took me 4 years to wake up to certain things. At least this time it was faster. 40 days of pleasure, love, fear, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, and all that good stuff. I still have a long way to go. My intuition is always on point. It's just that I have a hard time listening to it and trusting it.
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Please forgive me. I did not know any better. I'm doing the best I can. I'm so sorry.
I love you so much.
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I may not like how I feel...
But I will not abandon you.
I may not feel the most lovable...
But I will not abandon you.
These feelings might make me feel unworthy, or remind me of memories of unworthiness, but I will not abandon you.
I will not abandon you in favour of temporary highs. I will not abandon you through addictive behaviour. I will not abandon you in pursuit of greater popularity. Nor will I deny any complements that come my way.
It is not unloving for me to feel how I feel. I can't help but feel. And if I can't help but feel... what if I stop escaping right now?
And even if it feels like hell... at least the acceptance of hell means the only direction I can go is up.
My dearest emotions... My most painful memories... My most righteous projections... Including my most insidious spiritual bullshit... I may not indulge you...I may not identify with you... but I will abandon you no longer. For I am the Love that liberates you. It is not unloving to feel the way I feel. Unloving is only when I use my feelings or circumstances to harm myself or others.
Feeling my emotions without taking it out on anyone, including myself, is the firs step of reclaiming my power.
Feel that.
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@Mandy I am aware that things do not have value inherently. We assign value to them. It was just an example. Replace 'mansion, cars, etc.' with anything else you desire and value.
I'm just saying that feeling good all the time is not necessarily going to bring things to you that you want. You can find your way to them while feeling shit too.
'Just focus on what you want' is most likely not going to work, either. Because life happens and does its thing. No matter how focused you are on one thing, you can get hit by a car, for example, and then there's that. It's simply not grounded in real life enough, like most of spiritual guidelines and ideas. They love to hover above life.
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You know why I think it's bullshit? At least the way it's being talked about most commonly...
Because there are people out there who are angry, bitter, miserable, abusive, addicted to all kinds of shit... and they still managed to 'manifest' a fortune for themselves. They live in mansions, drive luxary cars, travel the world and preach nonsense. Fucking over anyone they can.
They are far from being grounded in 'love and light', yet they seem to be able to just go out there and make things happen for themselves. By any means necessary. Do they have a heart? A soul? Probably not. But they have all that shiny stuff that most of us are only dreaming about, while doing all these spiritual backflips and kung fu moves, in hopes to miraculously 'attract' things to us.
There is something to this LOA biz, I'd say. But it's not working as it's being thought in mainstream spiritual circles. It's also not a one size fits all type of thing.
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@Mandy @Mandy I appreciate it guys, but to me it seems like we're beating around the bush, sorry. It's not hitting the nail.
Here's a real life example, that happened recently; Let me know what you think about it.
I've been dating this girl for a month or so. Things got very deep, very fast. We fell in love with each-other, hard. We both expressed how wonderful and magical what we have is, numerous times. Neither one of us could believe it. But, since I had a plan of moving away in the near future, we agreed not to fully commit to a relationship or be exclusive. It made sense to 'keep some distance between us'.
So one night, we go out with a few friends and we all get drunk. She gets a quite a bit drunker than all of us. Soon she starts hitting on a girl, right in front of me. Made out with her at some point. Then, after a while, a guy starts hitting on her. She does not mind it. Kinda starts flirting back. She loves to flirt.
I'm playing it cool, we're not really in a relationship after all, right? But I can feel all these emotions arising. So I decide it's time for me to leave. She stays and keeps doing her thing. Enjoying the night, I guess.
I come home, feeling angry, disappointed, sad and everything in between. But I cause no scene. I focus on trying to make myself feel better. I fall asleep and wake up around 6 in the morning to her getting into my bed. I hug her and she falls asleep on my chest. Like nothing happened.
What would you do in a scenario like this? Was she smarter than me for following her excitement and fooling around in the club as she pleased, just because it felt good? Completely not giving a fuck about us? Was I supposed to do the same and start hitting on other girls? Why couldn't I do that? What was stopping me? Why did it feel wrong? Why did I want her, and her only?
A week or two after that, I go on a trip to another city. Several girls want to hook up with me there. I reject them all. I could not do it. All I was thinking of was being with this girl. I knew anything else would pale in comparison. It felt like I would be cheating, even though we weren't committed or exclusive.
Am I an idiot, or is my love towards her more real and deeper than hers? I value respect, loyalty and all that jazz. A lot. Going against that does not feel good, at all. No matter how pleasurable flirting or hooking up with someone in a club could potentially be, in that moment. I would regret it. I would betray myself, and in a sense, her too.
What am I missing here? What would you do in my shoes?
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@Phil Gotta love waking up to a zen slap 😄
It's not very pleasant, but I suppose it's helpful. Thanks.
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@Phil Right now nowhere 😄 because there is no partner around. But I'm pretty sure the fear would arise again in a new relationship.
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@Mandy Hm... I don't know...
What I do know, is that my intentions were pure and honest, my heart was open and loving, and I don't think I deserved what happened.
I could not see it coming. It was unimaginable. Felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I literally couldn't believe it. And I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from ever experiencing such pain again.
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@Mandy Kinda... Once or twice in my teens.
But that cannot even begin to be compared to the betrayal that I experienced in my mid twenties.
If it's karma, it's going a bit too hard on me haha!
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Ok. Let's clarify once again what it is that I desire. Where all of this is heading and why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I want to travel full time. Anywhere and any time.
I want to work for myself and have a steady income online, but I am also willing to have a day job until that happens.
I want to meet and bond with lots of cool and interesting people and create beautiful, memorable memories.
I want to 'conquer the world' with my music. I want to use all those travelling experiences as fuel for my creativity. As the very substance out of which art is created.
I want to collaborate with all kinds of musicians that I meet on my journey.
I want to be in love. Romantically and in every other way. I just want to love.
Meeting a partner who would have similar interests and could join me on my journey would be the cherry on the top of the cake.
I might add a thing or two, but that's pretty much it. That's the vision for my life. It is what I desire the most. I have a plan how to get there/attract it here. Several plans, actually. But I still don't know exactly how it's going to play out. But happen it will. One way or the other.
will of the heart
in Expression Journals
Posted
Haha! Yep. My wish was granted, definitely 😄 Didn't even take that long.
Infinite thanks!