ivankiss
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Posts posted by ivankiss
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Deep in writing a new track. Loving how it sounds so far. What it's trying to say too.
Things are pretty good in every other area too. Me and Olya are getting along nice. An occasional little fight here and there. Sex is still insanely good.
Money is coming in. Getting back into trading slowly. Exercising, eating better... All is well.
I'm on track.
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@Cupcake Thank you 🙂
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I am not as active in this journal lately, as I would like to be. But perhaps that's for the best. I just don't feel the pull to write during my days. Or maybe I don't feel like I have that many thoughts to express. OR... I am supressing stuff because I am not courageous enough to be vulnerable and open up. Perhaps a mix of all that.
Briefly, I would say that I am on track, heading in the right direction. I am doubting a lot, there are challenges and temptations, old patterns are re-emerging and saying their final goodbyes... There is a lot going on. But I feel like I'm handling it all good. I'm surfing the waves.
Setting an intention to write more in-depth what's going on now-days.
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On 1/29/2023 at 6:40 PM, Phil said:
You are yourself playa.
Can't deny 😄
@nurthur11 I hear you. Thanks!
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@Phil I just wanted to protect myself from being hurt and played 😔
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@Phil To truly be in love would mean that it's real. As opposed to it being make-believe.
You got me, and I hear you, but I cannot help myself 😄
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17 hours ago, Mandy said:
I hear you. But what if it's a ticking bomb wrapped up as a gift? 😄
16 hours ago, Phil said:Maybe share some specifics as to what love another & be loved by another are.
Am I really in love with this girl, is she in love with me, or is it delusion and we're simply serving our own agendas?
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@solereproduction No, not disagreeing really. Just not getting what you're saying. At least not fully.
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@Phil 'No self' ends the search for self. I hear you.
@solereproduction Not sure what exactly you're saying, but thanks.
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@Phil Ultimately, is it possible to love another or be loved by another, or is that just fantasy?
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Not much is happening. Feeling good these days, overall. Me and Olya are doing good. Occasional smaller fights here and there. Nothing too serious. I feel the love.
Started writing a new song. I have a good feeling about it.
Going for a walk now.
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Good day yesterday. We managed to let go of our grudges and turn things around. Bought her a few smaller gifts, she was happy.
Great sex before sleep again. In the morning too.
I'm still not 100% sure what direction to take this new song in. I'd like to write something a bit more empowering and uplifting. This first song was quite gloomy. I love writing sad, dark and depressing stuff, but I feel like I can leave that for a bit later. I think it's not relevant to go there just yet. I want to express a different kind of emotion now.
Having some trouble with my guitar plugin, again. Cannot login, for whatever reason. Have to figure that stuff out before I start writing.
All is well.
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@Phil If there are two, or there is a belief that there are two, can the love between them ever truly be unconditional?
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@Phil So consciousness cannot be more or less conscious than it already and always is? It's the same all the time, right? Then why does it seem like it can be higher or lower? When you take psychedelics for example... it's very much like consciousness is raised and heighten. Everything is different. The quality of thoughts, feelings, perception... it's like a total shift. As if there is more consciousness. As if it has expanded.
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And we had another little fight last night/this morning. She was texting some dude from the bed, at 4 am, right after we had sex. I got triggered. Of course stuff like this bothers me. There's always some dude. Some 'friend'. And the thing is, all of these friends want to fuck her. And she knows that. She enjoys the attention. The sexual tension. She gets high on it. I'm not making it up. She admitted this to my face many times. It's just disgusting to me. It often makes me sick in the stomach, literally.
I don't know what to do about this stuff. It's just such a big a part of who she is. It's how she navigates reality. By flirting with all these dudes and dragging them along, and in return they do little favours for her every now and then. It's a survival mechanism more than anything else.
Honestly, I hate it. But I have to roll with it while we're hanging out, I guess. It is what it is.
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By trusting you fully, with all my heart, I am handing you over the dagger with which you may or may not stab me in the back. It's a risk that I simply cannot afford to take at this point of my life. If you betray me, it could throw me off track, and worse. I simply cannot let that happen.
I trust you to some extant. But I am not trusting you blindly and without any room left for doubt. I try to be as open as I can but also as cautious as I can.
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The reason why there is not much going on on the outside, or the external, is because there is so much going on on the inside, or the internal. So many aspects being changed, transformed, upgraded, erased, re-built, improved, altered, integrated, solidified. There's just so much going on "behind the scenes" - if you will. I am far from being fully aware of it. But this internal movement, this momentum, this shift, this change... It's all no accident. I deliberately chose this. I did not know exactly how things will unfold, but I knew the general direction of things. I can still intuit it. It's like there is a thread. I can intuit where this is going and who I am becoming. The process is not all rainbows and butterflies. I want it but I also resist it. I am heading towards it, but I am also holding myself back. I am becoming and I am disappearing, simultaneously.
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I mean, it cannot really be any other way, right? The fact that there is a relationship, kinda implies that there is a circumstance and a condition, right?
Of course it matters when and where and who and why and how long or how often and how seriously and how casually and how selflessly and how selfishly and so on. Only under these conditions but not those would you consider marrying this person but not that other one. Of course you could and probably would bend and negotiate, but nevertheless, there would always be some kind of a term or condition and only under specific circumstances.
Love between two cannot possibly be unconditional. Unconditional Love is only One. Two negotiate and do the dance, while One simply is.
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If there is no such thing as a "raise in consciousness"?
What does it mean to "raise one's consciousness"?
Something is happening. It is quite something. But I'm not sure what it is.
Is it but an effect of dissolution? Stuff peels away so it seems as if consciousness is "raised"? "Higher"?
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Good meditation. Thoughts were not as loud as yesterday. Still kinda difficult to remain centred in front, between my eyes. It's as if I'm being pulled to the back of my head. Inti the activity of my mind.
Breathing is so good. I love to play with it.
Morning sex was great. And last night it was nice too. Can't complain. This is exactly what I was praying for just a few months ago. All of my sexual desires are satisfied with this girl. When it comes to sex, she's pretty much a perfect match.
We did not communicate too much last night, since she was kinda distant. But it the morning we giggled and fooled around in the bed for a while. Lots of laughs. I love mornings like this.
I'm a bit late now, gotta hurry up with my routine. Tomorrow is my day off, so I might smoke a bit weed tonight. Maybe I'll start writing a new song. I have an idea in my mind, but it just wasn't the right time just yet. I don't want to force it. The best stuff comes out when things happen naturally. When I'm pulled into it.
All in all, things are looking good. I'm feeling good. It's all good.
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Good day.
Sticking to my routine was not difficult. Little to no resistance whatsoever, and I was feeling so much better through the entire day. It's funny how I always seem to know exactly what I need to do in order to make myself feel better and get closer to where I wanna be, yet I keep avoiding it, coming up with excuses and procrastinating. A very good example for this is my diet. I new exactly what and how much I should be eating, but I simply don't do it. And when I happen to do, I always feel better afterwards. But then I slip back into my old ways lol. Still, my diet is not to bad right now. Definitely could be eating more fruits, but everything else is balanced quite ok, I'd say.
Olya is about to get her period, so she's a bit grumpy and quite distant. In her own bubble. She needs her own time. But even if it's not her period she tends to withdraw quite often. This hot and cold behaviour can be a mindfuck sometimes. In the morning we were all lovey dovey and crazy for each other, and when I came home we were more or less just roommates lol. Still, she tried today, I can tell. She cleaned up the apartment, rearranged some stuff, groomed herself well and then put on a new sexy outfit for me. It was very hot. But the sex was a bit off. We were not that connected really. We kinda stopped mid way and decided to take a break. We should finish the deed a bit later lol. Maybe watch some movie and then fall asleep. I kinda wanna teach her a game with cards that I bought today, but I'm not sure if today is the right day for that.
Anyways, everything is checked on my list. All that is left is a short meditation session before bed.
All is well.
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Texted her this from work. She's waiting for me at home. It's so good to know that I have someone to come home to.
I really appreciate her. Sometimes we trigger the crap out of each other, but I know it's no coincidence. It's all for a higher cause. Growth, expansion, love.
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Meditation was ok. My mind is super messy in the mornings. I'm barely in my body. I definitely need this routine to ground me and make me more centred. Thoughts were not too loud, but they were persistent and all over the place. What seems to help the most is the breath of fire. That usually does the trick. It makes it easier to shift awareness from thought to breath/being.
Had a short little fight with Olya last night. We just disagree on so many things. Our worldviews are super opposing. We're both very strongly opinionated and tend to be stubborn. But she's often much more judgemental and close minded. So yeah, if we're not careful, considerate and polite, we can end up triggering the crap out of each other. Sometimes it's kinda fun, other times its rather nasty.
Anyhow, we calmed down quickly and fell asleep cuddling. Morning sex was great.
Going for a walk/sprint now.
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Everything is running smoothly so far. This relationship thingy is a bit overwhelming at times, but other than that, there's really not a single thing I worry about.
My new routine, which is not fully integrated just yet but I plan on sticking to it religiously in this phase, looks something like this:
- Meditation/breathwork
- Journal
- Walk + 100m sprint
- Stretching
- Weight lifting
- Plank
- Breakfast + protein shake
- Work
- Lunch
- Rest
- Music
- Market analysis/Trading
- Reading
- Stretching
- Weight lifting
- Plank
- Dinner + protein shake
- Meditation/breathwork
- Journal
will of the heart
in Expression Journals
Posted
I still don't trust her. I simply can't. There's just something off about her. She's shady. Something is just telling me that I should not trust this girl. It's intuition. It's that gut feeling. It's simply me knowing, on a deeper level, with no explanation how exactly. She simply has that vibe about her. I'm always kind of on edge, expecting her to pull the rug. I simply feel like she's not true. Not real. And it's not just that I feel this way for no reason whatsoever. She does have a long history of cheating, lying, manipulating, playing all kinds of games, being opportunistic, etc. She does not value truth, integrity, loyalty, respect... She comes from a different background. Corruption. Exploitation. Taking advantage. Cheat to win. And so on.
I don't know what to think of her. Yes, she does have some amazing qualities, but that all kind of gets ruined when you see all the nasty stuff hiding beneath.
We're doing good though. Laughing a lot, talking, trying to resolve some of our issues, going out, staying in, cooking great food, and of course, still having mind blowing sex. So that's all nice and great. But there is some foundational stuff that we don't have in place. Something is always a bit off in the background. And I know that's for a reason.
But at the end of the day, this is just me, more or less. It's my thoughts and feelings. My perspectives. I cannot really say that she actually did anything wild or outrageous these past few months. It's almost as if she's trying to become this perfect girlfriend that I need right now. But I am questioning the authenticity of that. It might be all an act. Wink wink.
We believe, so we're misled
We assume, so we're played
We confide, so we're deceived
We trust, so we're betrayed