[Fear of being betrayed and cheated on]

In my most recent relationship this became very obvious to me. I have a deep fear of being betrayed and/or cheated on by my partner.

 

I had some experience with that in my past, and it could be said that's the reason why I feel that way... but I think it goes deeper than that.

 

I don't want this to be in my way in future relationships. Besides it feeling awful, I also tend to show some possessive and obsessive traits towards my partner. And that's not good either. It's all coming from this deeply rooted fear. A belief, perhaps.

 

It's not quite clear to me why this is, but I think it has to do something with being abandoned and neglected in my childhood.

 

Anyone sees/knows something I don't? How do I go about healing/overcoming this?

[Planning? yay or nay?]

@Devin That actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

 

15 hours ago, Phil said:

Since it’s what you want it’s actually empowering & expansive, consciously creating isn’t it so? 

It is, yes. But it also kinda hurts due to the 'sacrifice' it requires. By focusing on one specific vision, I'm blocking out all these other things that I like and enjoy too. 

 

'From potentially anything to a defined something'. - that's how I see it.

 

15 hours ago, Phil said:

I’d put the plan on a dreamboard and add to it, change it, update it, and hone it with more specifics freely as they arise. Makes for less thinking & more enjoying. More of an experiencing of planning than planning. Also makes it easy to see any gaps, and then you can just google or ask people experience based questions fill those details / gaps in. 

My journal was kinda my dreamboard so far. I put all my ideas there and then change and add to them along the way. But I think getting an actual board could not hurt. I might just do that. Seems a bit cleaner and more in my face haha.

15 hours ago, Phil said:

Is it possible to consciously create & control simultaneously? 

Being fully present in the moment and actually doing it/creating is one thing. Thinking about how it's all going to play out and what I'm supposed to do is what seems like I'm trying to control too much. It's happening in thinking.

15 hours ago, Phil said:

The planning is not magic, happening on it’s own as well…? 

Ivan too, isn’t it so?

That's a nice little twist. Thanks. 

It is, yes. And I do enjoy even that part.

 

I guess I'm just afraid of taking the wrong steps and I also fear missing out on things. I'm doubting the ways I choose. I'm doing it all alone and even in spite of some things. I wonder if I'm being foolish, arrogant and too stubborn... blind?

 

I struggle to fully trust myself.

[Planning? yay or nay?]

I have a plan for the next six months of my life. Simple and straightforward. Kinda strict and limited too. I also have a more loose plan from then on. 

 

I wonder, am I missing out on even better opportunities by trying to plan my way to what I desire to attain? Is there perhaps a faster, smoother and more exciting way in completely letting go and letting life take you where it wants to take you? Am I trying to control things too much?

 

I am aware of the sacrifice I'm making by sticking to this plan. And I'm aware that it's probably going to be quite a bit uncomfortable. But I am willing to go for it for the sake of accelerating my progress and growth, and seeing the results I want to see. On the other hand though, some of the most memorable experiences I've ever had were spontaneous and unforeseen. I could not plan out all that magic. It simply happened on its own. Flawlessly and effortlessly.

 

To plan or not to plan? That is the question.

[will of the heart]

Walking our own road
Each step, each breath
We are fighting for our lives
And we are losing every one
The things we gave up for a dream we are still waiting for

We were so young then
Firelight holds their peace
Sing farewell by smoke in the cold
We farewell the old
As they fall to silence
Fall
Into silence
As they fall to silence
To silence

[will of the heart]

@Faith That's crazy... and beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

 

Happy for you and your husband. Seems like a one in a million type of deal.

 

Idk... I already kinda decided by leaving. It's just that now that I'm away, I'm doubting that decision. I think I just need to whine a bit... It was by far the most exciting and fun and beautiful experience that I had in a while. It was a very high peak... and it seems like I'm entering another valley now. Everything pales in comparison. 

 

I still don't think we're that good of a match for a long term relationship. There are things that would bother me quite a bit, when it comes to her lifestyle and views on stuff... But when it was just me and her in a room, making love, talking, etc... it was absolutely heavenly. I can hardly imagine it getting any better. 

 

So yeah, I'm obviously experiencing conflicting thoughts and emotions. I'm kinda confused and hurting... I fell in love with her, but I think we're not good for each-other overall.

 

It's super hard to let go though.

[will of the heart]

@Faith ❤

 

I miss her... Can't stop thinking about us...

I know the fire is slowly dying, and I don't know if I like that.

[will of the heart]

This chapter is officially done. Off to Maribor to say hi to some people, and then I'll see from there.

 

What a ride...

 

[will of the heart]

One of those nights...

 

I want a bike like this haha!

[will of the heart]

Hahaha! This is why I absolutely adore this guy. Such a good friend. He always knows what's up.

 

[will of the heart]

Needless to say, I am on the verge of crying, all the time. It's just too damn beautiful. This adventure that we had, this chapter, this whole journey... Everything. It's just so fucking beautiful. It cannot possibly be put into words. All the beauty that I see and feel... all these dots connecting flawlessly... it's truly divine. 

 

It feels like we spent a lifetime together. So many lessons. So much love and wisdom. So much to cherish.

 

She is such a beautiful being. I truly wish her only the best on her journey. And who knows... maybe our paths will indeed cross once again, somewhere down the line. May she recieve everything her heart desires.

[will of the heart]

It's all about love. 

 

Love is the highest understanding. Love is the purest truth. Love is the language we all speak. As above so bellow.

 

I am that love. Thank you for reminding me of that, O.

 

Forever grateful.

[will of the heart]

@Faith ❤

 

Thank you for your support guys. Means a lot.

[will of the heart]

I went super cheesy and left this gift on her pillow. It's her birthday in a few days. I want her to have something to remember me...

 

I got the other half.

[will of the heart]

And that's it... we just parted ways. It was absolutely heartbreaking and absolutely beautiful. Tears were shed.

 

So long, my love.

[will of the heart]

Spiraling nights in the void
Weathered coat and a dagger
If I dream back my youth I can still hear you sing
A voice that will die on a mountain

And I fear that I've stayed here just a little too long

I had to go where you couldn't follow
In my weariness I still hear you singing in my mind

All the fortunes they took away

The shifting earth beneath us
Nothing to observe
The clouds at our feet
Nothing to observe

The sun was made a jewel
Nothing to observe
When at night it did sleep
Nothing to observe

Cast in a trench of fire
I can see the sky is a ceiling
And when my heart dies down
I am long gone on the fields of summer's green
Away from fall and famine

In my weariness I still hear you singing in my mind
All the fortunes they took away

The shifting earth beneath us
Nothing to observe
The clouds at our feet
Nothing to observe

The sun was made a jewel
Nothing to observe
When at night it did sleep

I am in every season
the one you have always known
Life did not reward you
So find your way to the river and let go

The shifting earth beneath us
Nothing to observe
The clouds at our feet
Nothing to observe

The sun was made a jewel
Nothing to observe
When at night it did sleep
Nothing to observe

[will of the heart]

@Faith Yeah, that's kinda how I see it too. 

[will of the heart]

@Faith Thank you.

 

Love is real, and conditioning is why we can't be together. That's what I extracted. It seems relevant. Sits right.

 

I guess I'm just exercising my letting go muscles.

[will of the heart]

@Phil Scary 😄

[will of the heart]

@Mandy That's beautiful. It hit deep. Thank you for reminding me. I'll keep it in mind.

 

Much love and respect.

[will of the heart]

@Mandy I don't usually walk away from relationships. When I truly love, I'm the kinda guy that stays too long. Way past the relationship's expiration date. That's why I know that I have to do things differently this time around. Only by walking away from this can I complete the healing process. Only this way can I overcome the pain caused by my previous relationship, that left me completely devastated. If I stay, I will repeat history, inevitably. I'm just not ready. I haven't put myself back together since then. I need some more time alone to do that.

 

I love this girl and this truly is beautiful. I know this is something else. It's so much more than just casual fun and sex. I cannot even put it into words, really. It's just something I can intuit. 

 

I'm not against casual hook ups, either. I think those experiences can be very memorable and beautiful too. But what I truly want is that one and only, true love. Definitely. 

Could this be it? I don't know. Maybe... I cannot help myself but be curious about where this could go. But this knowing within... it's stronger... and it's telling me that I must go. No matter how painful it is.

 

I understand what you're pointing towards with 'focus'. And I agree. But I also feel like sometimes it's good to just sit with the pain for a while and let it transform you from the inside out. Instead of distracting yourself with a new sight.

 

Idk... I tend to romanticize and dramatize things. This could be one of those.

[will of the heart]

@Phil @Faith @Mandy Please tell me how separation is not real and I'm not actually losing anything.

 

It's so beautiful and it hurts so much.

[will of the heart]

Well, I know time reveals in hindsight
I can wrestle with the stormy night
Because your love lasts a lifetime
But I can see you through the snowblind

 

I wasn't there for you
You are gone
But I wasn't there for you
Goodbyes are long

 

Goodbye 

[will of the heart]

Oh God... two days till my departure. It's starting to hit me quite hard. This month with this girl was absolutely amazing. I fell in love so deeply. It's so hard to walk away. It hurts already...

[will of the heart]

Yup, it's the turbine. I don't know much about cars, but this was obvious to me right away.

 

Thank God. This is not such a big deal. It will delay things for me a bit though. The car is at the mechanic, it should be done towards the end of the next week.

[I want to understand boredom]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

What does it mean ?

It means you can rise upwards or spiral downwards from it. It's like a breaking point.

 

I think what you're looking for is interest. Find something you're interested in. Not a distraction, but something that you are genuinely interested in. Interest is amazing. It captivates you, awakens you and can lead you in all sorts of directions. Exciting directions.