spiritual dreams
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Posts posted by spiritual dreams
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@PhilThanks
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@Phil Thanks. I guess there are a few things I strugglew with. Acknowledging thoughts can be extremely difficult when i am identified with them. Especially the scary intrusive thoughts.
On 3/15/2024 at 9:30 PM, Phil said:What are your thoughts on the main staples?
Dreamboard. Emotional Scale. Diet & exercise. Daily meditation.
dreamboard I haven't done because I don't really have any strong desires. Emotional scale is something im trying but not successful with. diet and exercise is something i have improved in a lot. Daily meditation is something i am trying.
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Ok wow that's a lot to unpack.
On 3/14/2024 at 1:16 PM, Phil said:By acknowleding what is already felt, and that emotions are a separate of consciousness self, in linear time, which knows there are states, and which kundalini fucked up.
Self is present, and emotions are experienced presently. The believing of the thoughts about another, second, separate self… “the one” separate of, and knowing & understanding consciousness…. is the aversion from emotion(s) felt… presently.
Emotion in intrinsic guidance, for / about, the very thoughts, about there being a separate self, which knows & understands, and which was fucked up by kundalini. While there isn’t that separate self, or a thing such as ‘kundalini’… there is consciousness, conscious / awareness, aware… and present.
This is understood intellectually but actually being able to do this is really difficult since identification with separate self is such a deeply entrenched habit. What does it even mean to acknowledge emotions? I just can't seem to do it properly. There is always an aversion. And sometimes and aversion to aversion which creates even more aversion...
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On 3/12/2024 at 7:11 PM, Phil said:
Make any sense?
Questions?
So, your saying the future I want doesn't exist. Because there is only this right?
On 3/12/2024 at 7:11 PM, Phil said:How does it feel (resonate or not) to acknowledge fear as an emotion… as opposed to a thing in a place, even if what’s meant by place is an area of the body?
This points to discord being of the thoughts & interpretations, which can change, and therein the discord and contraction are lessened.
This might be a stupid question, but how exactly do I acknowledge fear as an emotion? Its quite difficult because I either only feel the energetic cramp with no fear, or I am completely identified with the fear, and aversion, plus intrusive compulsive thougths,
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On 3/10/2024 at 8:27 PM, Phil said:
It’s not really possible to experience and there not be preferences. If you make a list of what you are sure you don’t want, it reveals a list of opposites… what you do want.
Fair enough. I guess a big thing is that with my current situation, I don't know if what I want is ever going to happen and even it its possible, its not happening in a long time.
On 3/10/2024 at 8:27 PM, Phil said:Get comfy with acknowledging and expressing emotions. It’s all grey. There’s no right or wrong.
Thanks, doing this actually helped. However i find it quite difficult sometimes. Many times I notice intense aversion to the emotion. Other times the emotion seems to have created an energetic cramp that feels like physical sensation. Finally, even if i acknowledge fear in one place, other parts of my energetic body seem to contract in fear.
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16 hours ago, Phil said:
Do you have a dreamboard going?
No, I don't know what I want anymore
16 hours ago, Phil said:Is there a point to this madness?
maybe? This shit deconditioned the shit out of me and I've learned a lot about my underlying ego mechanisms.
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@PhilThanks
2 hours ago, Phil said:Energy is love.
I don't even know what that word means anymore. I also don't know how true that is. The energy can be transmuted into a loving kind of bliss but it isn't like that most of the time.
2 hours ago, Phil said:Dissociation, disidentifying from thoughts, spiritual bypassing, and conceptualizing emotions is not recommended. That is the opposite of receiving the guidance and allowing interpretations to change (alignment of thoughts with feeling).
What am I even supposed to do then?
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1 hour ago, Phil said:
A lot still seems to be known. That is intense emotional suppression. As emotions are acknowledged relief is felt and suffering diminishes inevitably entirely dispelled.
yes, a lot of emotions are being suppressed. There is a weird mechanism where intense fear solidifies into extremely painful energetic symptoms in my body. Trying to feel into the intense negative emotions works sometimes but other times it makes the energy cramp up even more. Sometimes when I acnkowledge emotions, the emotions turn into energy which moves up the body and causes energy to cramp up and contract in other areas.
1 hour ago, Phil said:Self referential thoughts are the ‘beliefs loops’, and are the emotional suppression.
Yes, thoughts of a seperate self that suffers are often believed. Its hard to detect when emotions are overwhelming. There is also an intense dissociation and brain fog that seems to cloud awareness most of the time making it difficult to disidentify from these thoughts.
1 hour ago, Phil said:“It is what it is” is an apathetic attitude
yep. I kinda gave up after being overwhelmed for so long.
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About 6 months ago I awakened kundalini. I can only describe it as an intense energy that moves up the body which amplifies conscousness, awareness, emotions and thought patterns. Daniel Ingram calls it the arising and passing away, Phil I think called it the dissolving of conditioning, it doesn't really matter, just conceptual labels.
Since then it has fucked me up beyond recognition. After the initial bliss states faded away I can only describe it as a bad trip that does not end. It has taken me to hellish places that I would not wish on anybody and stripped away everything I held dear. All my beliefs, values and ways of looking at reality have been stripped away and revealed to be mental fabrications and wishful thinking. My underlying mental issues have been amplified to the point where it has taken over my whole life. I experience intense anxiety, despair, anger, unease, OCD, extreme worrying, dissociation and pretty much everything else on a daily basis. I have had to quit my job and move back in with my parents.
Before kundalini I believed in love, god, infinite consciousness, oneness etc... Now I realise those were all bullshit conceptualizations and fabrications I deluded myself into believing. I have also become aware of just how much suffering there was in me and how much suffering there is in the world. I cannot see the world as a good place. My worldview has dissolved so I don't know anything anymore. Is materialism true, idealism? buddhism? Leo's solipsism? phil's creator stuff? God? These are just mental fabrications. I don't know anything but my direct experience and I'm not even sure of that anymore. Even my sense of self and identity was also a fabrication.
At the same time... I don't want to go back. Now that i have realised how deluded I was, I simply can't go back. I wasn't exactly having a good time before this either. My attatchment to my personal identity and story have decreased so I no longer care about petty ego shit as much which is incredibly freeing. Going back would be like going back into the matrix.
I don't know how much longer this is going to last or whats going to happen to me but hey, it is what it is...
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@Phil Yup you're right. But I do need a break because this forum can be just that. Thanks for the teachings 🙏
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@Phil I was referring to pointers to direct experience. Time to take a break from pointers and work on love, healthy relationships, and being humble.
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2 hours ago, Phil said:
That’s still pessimism. 🙂
The Truth shall set you free. 🙏🏻
Maybe one day. theres a lot that needs to be unlearned.
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@PhilYou were right about me suppressing emotions, cllinging to conceptualizations and projecting. But I think that nondual pointers like this site are probably not going to help. Thanks anyways🙏
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38 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:
Nah, you're doing great. You're a gazillion bucks.
There appear thoughts about a character in time who has spiritual ego and needs to work on foundation etc. but you're not that character. You're gazillion bucks.
59 minutes ago, Phil said:That’s what I mean about years of exposure to conceptualizing. That isn’t spirituality. It’s more like Scientology.
There’s no such thing as someone spiritually developed or advanced, or integrating these teachings. All the levels, consciousness work, etc, is all manipulation.
45 minutes ago, Mandy said:Foundation, integration, all necessary for development. You need not worry about any of it.
Thanks but this is just more shit im going to conceptualize and cling to.
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Ok I think it's time for me to take a long, long, break from this forum. Turns out i have a huge spiritual ego and I'm clinging to nondual concepts to avoid dealing with the fact that life can suck sometimes. Ultimately I don't know shit and I've just been fooling myself the whole time, thinking I was more spiritually developed than I really was just like I was on actualized.org. I can't be doing this shit anymore because the negative consequences of this happen much faster with kundalini. Any glimpse of nonduality is just going to be something I cling to so theres not much point. I don't have the foundation to really integrate these teachings.
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1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:
Know what?
That it's bullshit
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1 hour ago, Someone here said:
Ah here we go ..
Listen..do you admit the existence of pain and suffering in the world ?
Truth is all-inclusive.
Life is not all rainbows and butterflies...life is also dog shit ..plague ..cancer ..sickness..death .
Truth is not Good . Truth is neutral. It doesn't give a shit about your childish wishes of it being exclusively good .
This is what I realised as well. Clinging to nondual ideas and glimpses to avoid negativity is what seems to cause a lot of my problems in the first place.
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5 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:
What do you mean?
sry i mean to reply to the other thing:
31 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:How is it not bullshit? 😁
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14 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:
What if truth was better than you can imagine, and even better still?
How good would truth be in that case?
but how do you even know?
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1 hour ago, Orb said:
@spiritual dreams the Nirrodha samapatti guy is spouting bullshit btw.
can you explain?
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7 minutes ago, Phil said:
Quote you quote it so i can see specifically what you’re referring to?
Quoteplease no more of this nonduality stuff. There is a time and place and now is not the time. maybe in the future when the kundalini symptoms settle. (and yes i know theres know I, no time, no future not kundalini, etc. etc. ...)
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@Jonas Long I'll be honest, I actually blocked you before. But I appreciate your words here.
50 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:This is like saying someone is such an advanced juggler that they can't entertain children. Using intuition to determine what needs to be heard in each different case would be doing an adequate job at communicating the "message". This just sounds like a broken answering machine.
I 100% agree. This conversation drove me down a really dark spiral.
8 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:If saying something in one way isn't getting through to someone, why not try saying it in a different way? @Mandyis actually really good at doing that. Watching your conversations is often like watching a lab rat press the orgasm button until they starve to death.
@Philyep. Especially whan I am specifically asking you not answer in such a way because it makes me feel worse.
Kundalini 6 months later
in Emptying
Posted
@Phil slightly better. But still brutal. It's like the universe is teaching me a lesson through intense suffering. Seeing a therapist for OCD, openen my lower chakras and focused the energy there which helps stabilize me and get me out of my thinking mind. Awakeneg and integrated my lower impulses and transformed them into willpower. Still struggling with extreme negative emotions, physical pain, energetic cramps and terrifying thought loops most days.