Fear of being betrayed and cheated on

[ivankiss]

In my most recent relationship this became very obvious to me. I have a deep fear of being betrayed and/or cheated on by my partner.

 

I had some experience with that in my past, and it could be said that's the reason why I feel that way... but I think it goes deeper than that.

 

I don't want this to be in my way in future relationships. Besides it feeling awful, I also tend to show some possessive and obsessive traits towards my partner. And that's not good either. It's all coming from this deeply rooted fear. A belief, perhaps.

 

It's not quite clear to me why this is, but I think it has to do something with being abandoned and neglected in my childhood.

 

Anyone sees/knows something I don't? How do I go about healing/overcoming this?

[Mandy]

Have you ever betrayed/cheated? 

[ivankiss]

@Mandy Kinda... Once or twice in my teens.

But that cannot even begin to be compared to the betrayal that I experienced in my mid twenties.

 

If it's karma, it's going a bit too hard on me haha!

[Mandy]

@ivankiss Karma isn't ever punishment. 

 

Do you believe that the suffering we experience after an event has anything to do with the measure of wrong done? 

[ivankiss]

@Mandy Hm... I don't know...

What I do know, is that my intentions were pure and honest, my heart was open and loving, and I don't think I deserved what happened.

 

I could not see it coming. It was unimaginable. Felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I literally couldn't believe it. And I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from ever experiencing such pain again.

Edited October 12, 2022 by ivankiss

[Phil]

Where is it though?

[ivankiss]

@Phil Right now nowhere 😄 because there is no partner around. But I'm pretty sure the fear would arise again in a new relationship.

[Phil]

@ivankiss

I think you’re feeling contingencies, limitations & conditions you’re imposing upon allowing love… but calling how it feels to do so, fear.

‘I have a deep fear’ isn’t the same and isn’t as insightful & clarifying as ‘I’m experiencing the emotion of fear’. ‘

’Fear of being betrayed & cheated on’ isn’t like ‘I’m experiencing the emotion of fear’. 

 

‘I don’t want this to be…’    You don’t even care about what you don’t want! 

What do you want!? That you do care about. It’s the alignment therein that you care about. 

 

No wonder you’re experiencing possessiveness and obsessiveness - you’re believing you’re not in love right now! Reality is a Genie! What do you want!?

 

Everyone was abandoned and neglected in childhood. Infinite can not know finite. Birth is trauma. There ain’t no other way to get into your creation though.

But you’re In now! Go ahead and get your heart broken until you are absolutely satisfied knowing love ain’t comin from anywhere. 

 

42 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

What I do know, is that my intentions were pure and honest, my heart was open and loving, and I don't think I deserved what happened.

If you’re thinking of your deservedness… you ain’t as pure, honest, open and loving as you think. I’m calling shenanigans. 😉 No one deserves anything terrible that happens. Thank God for no one. 

 

 

From what I’ve heard it is possible to dream and not create a dreamboard, but I don’t recommend it. 

[ivankiss]

@Phil Gotta love waking up to a zen slap 😄

 

It's not very pleasant, but I suppose it's helpful. Thanks.

[Phil]

@ivankiss

Gotta loosen up and have fun brother. I just told my wife I’m very lucky to be her for me, and she rolled my eyes and smiled at no one. 

[Mandy]

10 hours ago, ivankiss said:

@Mandy Hm... I don't know...

What I do know, is that my intentions were pure and honest, my heart was open and loving, and I don't think I deserved what happened.

 

I could not see it coming. It was unimaginable. Felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I literally couldn't believe it. And I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from ever experiencing such pain again.

So imagine that there's this guy who steals bikes and sells them. His dad stole things because he had a record and couldn't get a job, his older brother observed this and stole things. Stealing is what he grew up around. It felt really bad the first few times, but now he's just really good at not listening to that and thinks he is mostly numb to it. He steals two bikes. 

 

The owner of the first bike is already paranoid and depressed. Losing his bike sends him totally over the edge. He loses his job, he stops sleeping. He eventually gets himself a new bike, but he revisits the memory over the years and uses the incident as more evidence that the world is an awful and unsafe place to live.

 

The owner of the second bike wants a new bike, but his old bike is working fine and he has no excuse to replace it. When his bike is stolen, he laughs and buys a new bike that he really likes. He assumes the person who stole the old one needed it more than he did. 

 

The amount of suffering one experiences due to a wrong is not proportional to the "measure" of the wrong. The thief feels the guidance of emotion. The owner of the first bike feels the guidance of emotion. The owner of the second bike feels the guidance of emotion.

 

Of course people mean a whole lot more to us than bikes, meaning we feel the guidance of emotion much stronger.

 

Fear is lower on the emotional scale than guilt. It is possible that in order to avoid feeling and expressing our own guilt, feeling the guidance of that and then moving quickly on up and past, that we stay in fear. This is like spending $300 to avoid a $150 charge. It's not a good deal. I'm not saying that you actually owe anything for doing something wrong, but that we cannot avoid emotions without feeling guidance even stronger, and this is the only karma there really is. 

 

 

[Mandy]

@Phil Napoleon! 😁

[Phil]

@Mandy

[Mandy]

@Phil 😂 Best movie ever.

[ivankiss]

@Mandy @Mandy I appreciate it guys, but to me it seems like we're beating around the bush, sorry. It's not hitting the nail. 

 

Here's a real life example, that happened recently; Let me know what you think about it.

 

I've been dating this girl for a month or so. Things got very deep, very fast. We fell in love with each-other, hard. We both expressed how wonderful and magical what we have is, numerous times. Neither one of us could believe it. But, since I had a plan of moving away in the near future, we agreed not to fully commit to a relationship or be exclusive. It made sense to 'keep some distance between us'.

 

So one night, we go out with a few friends and we all get drunk. She gets a quite a bit drunker than all of us. Soon she starts hitting on a girl, right in front of me. Made out with her at some point. Then, after a while, a guy starts hitting on her. She does not mind it. Kinda starts flirting back. She loves to flirt. 

 

I'm playing it cool, we're not really in a relationship after all, right? But I can feel all these emotions arising. So I decide it's time for me to leave. She stays and keeps doing her thing. Enjoying the night, I guess.

 

I come home, feeling angry, disappointed, sad and everything in between. But I cause no scene. I focus on trying to make myself feel better. I fall asleep and wake up around 6 in the morning to her getting into my bed. I hug her and she falls asleep on my chest. Like nothing happened.

 

What would you do in a scenario like this? Was she smarter than me for following her excitement and fooling around in the club as she pleased, just because it felt good? Completely not giving a fuck about us? Was I supposed to do the same and start hitting on other girls? Why couldn't I do that? What was stopping me? Why did it feel wrong? Why did I want her, and her only?

 

A week or two after that, I go on a trip to another city. Several girls want to hook up with me there. I reject them all. I could not do it. All I was thinking of was being with this girl. I knew anything else would pale in comparison. It felt like I would be cheating, even though we weren't committed or exclusive.

 

Am I an idiot, or is my love towards her more real and deeper than hers? I value respect, loyalty and all that jazz. A lot. Going against that does not feel good, at all. No matter how pleasurable flirting or hooking up with someone in a club could potentially be, in that moment. I would regret it. I would betray myself, and in a sense, her too.

 

What am I missing here? What would you do in my shoes?

[BlendingInfinite]

It is obvious that she is looking for something better and holds you as a card in her backhand, if she isn’t successful. So she wont feel the fear of being alone. 

 

Relationships growing that fast are most of the time not healthy. And you should be very alert, this will very likely turn into a disaster and you will be the fucled one. Not in a good way. 

 

Your sense of self worth seems to be very low. She just uses you and you fully commit. If I were you, I would cut off the whole thing immediately. 

 

 

[Phil]

 

@ivankiss

Hitting the nail on the head would just be too much for anyone to bear. You say you want clarity on this, but really, just let it go. You don’t really want that band aid ripped off like you say. 

[Mandy]

@ivankiss I think that again, you're trying to enjoy the drama from the character's perspective when only Author/Witness will do. 

 

Narcissists believe in separate selves. They believe that they are a character in the world. They believe that there are special people/characters, and unspecial people. They identify that they are the special person. Everyone else is unspecial. 

 

Then there are people who believe in separate selves. They also believe that there are special people and unspecial people. They believe that they are unspecial. Maybe they think they are special sometimes too, and they go back and forth. They want to be in love, and only with special people. This is the only way they can mask the discord of believing that they are unspecial and not enough. Like the narcissist, they overlook everyone and all the love around them, looking for that romance. Instead of a fixation on themselves, it's a fixation with another, usually another who is out of reach in some way, possibly because the person they are attracted to is also a narcissist who cannot ever return their obsessively focused love. Or maybe they end up with someone very good for them but who they cannot fully love because they don't believe that person is special enough. Or suddenly the specialness wears off, and either way, rather acting on it or not, they seek it in someone else. Like red absorbs all colors but reflects/rejects red, and therefore appears red, these people are believing the opposite but same misunderstanding as the narcissist. Echo to Narcissus. 

 

Sounds pretty horrible, might seem like a lot of dramatic accusations and assumptions, but splash some cold water on your face and wake up, there aren't separate selves. There aren't special people. Only then can you really love as you came here to love. 

[Mandy]

@ivankiss You started the relationship off warning her that you weren't fully into it, it had an expiration date. Then you got jealous when she was acting as if what you initially said was the case. It might sound nice and spiritual to believe like love shouldn't really have expiration dates, and it should be beyond commitments and expectations, but really, you used that as some sort of convenient spiritual idealism and held back. What do you expect to be reflected back when you hold back? 

[ivankiss]

I dug my own grave, didn't I?

 

I was trying to keep some distance because I knew I wasn't ready for the real deal. I was still wounded and confused from my previous relationship. And I was already committed to a certain path that I've chosen. I wanted to protect myself, but somewhere down the line I gave in and let myself be taken over by this. I got too attached. I did not expect to fall in love like this.

 

She did not want anything too serious either. It wasn't just me. I understand she did not violate our agreement or anything. But she did not need to rub things in my face, either. Of course it was painful. And she admitted it would be painful for her too, had I done the same. It is just how she was coping with our situation, she said. By withdrawing, shutting down and acting like she doesn't really care. I can understand that.

 

Either way, I'm very grateful for this ride. It was fun, intense and beautiful. Lots of lessons. A lot to love and appreciate. Last time it took me 4 years to wake up to certain things. At least this time it was faster. 40 days of pleasure, love, fear, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, and all that good stuff. I still have a long way to go. My intuition is always on point. It's just that I have a hard time listening to it and trusting it.