Possible childhood trauma?

[Blessed2]

I'm wondering if I got some sort of childhood trauma. I'm no professional, and this is just something I'm wondering. But hear me out:

 

First of all, I read from Ken Wilber's book a while ago that at times, if there happens some sort of a trauma in childhood, in the early stages of development, a part of the psyche can sort of get stuck there, even though the person keeps growing up.

 

For example, often times a psychosis include delusions like "someone is trying to get me, that car is following me, the government wants to hurt me" etc. If I remember correctly, Wilber proposed that this is due to a trauma during the stage of development when a child hasn't yet fully grasped that they are not the center of the universe so to speak - they are in a sense, narcissistic, self-centered, not understanding others have their own perspectives and needs etc. And later, in the early adulthood for example, something triggers a psychosis, and the thought-patterns of that earlier stage fires up, resulting in "the government wants to hurt me, that car is following me" type of delusions. See the logic?

 

So I'm wondering... Since I had a pretty harsh shroom trip a few years ago, during which some delusions fired up. The delusions were along the lines of "this world is a solipsistic dream, and the only way out is to commit suicide, or to prove I'm unbiased/brave enough to die in order to have peace and be whole". There was also delusions like "this tv show/book/song lyrics is giving me deep metaphysical messages that I need to commit suicide". So yeah, it was a psychosis in psychiatric terms.

 

It didn't end even when the trip ended. I had to spend some time in psych ward, take antipsychotics etc. It took about a year to really start getting over it, and heal.

 

The delusions I had was quite similar to what psychosis usually is like... It had the same sort of "I'm the center of the universe, this tv show is talking to me" thought pattern. Also, the idea that I need to prove my worth to please the universe sounds to me a bit similar to what we know many early-stage cultures and worldviews do with the sacrificial offerings ya know?

 

Maybe the trip brought up something from the childhood, maybe something in my psyche fired up from the early developmental stages in a form of these delusions?

 

Also, lately I've noticed I hold certain types of magical thinking distortions and worries. For example, a few days ago me & my girlfriend made pizza. We had to figure out which side of the pizza is for whom... And I sort of tried to make the choice, right or left side, but magical thinking fired up. Started worrying that something horrible might happen if I choose the wrong side. So I made her choose, because then it wouldn't be my responsibility... I wanted to 'let the universe decide'. I know, that sounds pretty crazy, but this is just one example. This is almost an daily occurence.

 

This too sounds like some sort of early developmental stage magical thinking pattern.

 

Not to mention my impulsivity, naivety, perhaps some trouble taking in account how others feel etc. I've been noticing I might be a bit more childish than others my age... For example, it seems I have shorter 'time span'. I'm sort of "right now or tomorrow". Constantly seeking for a quick relief. My thoughts kind of spin around "right now relief".

 

Do you think I'm being crazy? 😁 

[Mandy]

It really is much simpler to go direct to asking "how does this thought feel?" and paying attention to you feel in the moment. That right now relief, IS right now, but you're thinking it, which creates the illusion that right now is 3 seconds in the future, when right now, is right f****ing now.

 

Only separate selves can be crazy. There can be suffering or the guidance of emotion in the moment though. 

 

We (speaking of imaginary separate selves) ALL have trauma. All separate self characters will have trauma because contrast is the birth of expansion. Perfect characters are terrible characters because good characters have contrast. With that said, we all have feeling guidance, and dismissing it and believing stuff anyway is what fuels those blockages that feel so good to let go of. 

 

There is ultimately no such thing as early development or developmental stages. Contrast only has value when we listen to feeling and go in the direction of what's wanted.  Does a pizza really have different sides? It's circular isn't it? 

 

Intrusive thoughts or ego dystonic thoughts (please don't get stuck on terms) are just thoughts that don't resonate. They are very similar to impulses and intuition BECAUSE they are thoughts we do not believe not we thought ourselves, and they challenge the idea of us as a thinker and "wanter" behind everything. We know these thoughts were received, but the negative momentum of emotional guidance behind them blocks impulses and intuition. It's like having your tuner set to fuzz and static, instead of the station you want to hear. Sorting out the feeling of them is key. 

 

That the idea of me or the concept of me can die without the real me being hurt is supposed to be a reliving beautiful realization that allows you to live life to the fullest and wisest. It does not go against itself. There is no such thing as autoimmune disorders. The body does not ever attack itself, and this is one of the worst misunderstandings of modern medicine. Likewise, in psychology, there is no such thing as ego dystonic thoughts, because desire, is immediate and nondual. You might be seeing the world through the lens of "this is required of me", "I must do this thing", and so all inspiration is being hijacked through that lens. You're playing the hero in the story, rather than realizing that only the author can write the hero out of a shitty situation. No action on the hero's part moves along anything.

[Phil]

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I'm wondering if I got some sort of childhood trauma.

With respect to the trauma, the question ‘where do you have or “got” it’ is unanswerable, because of the nature of trauma as it relates to identity. It’s not possible to ‘have’ a trauma ‘somewhere’, because you are Being the ‘somewhere’. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

First of all, I read from Ken Wilber's book a while ago that at times, if there happens some sort of a trauma in childhood, in the early stages of development, a part of the psyche can sort of get stuck there, even though the person keeps growing up.

Wilber’s surely well intending and indeed close, but the concession is too big. Direct experience dictates there isn’t a ‘there’, in which a psyche can actually be ‘stuck’, and there isn’t a psyche in the first place, of which there could be ‘parts’. There is the thought, ‘psyche’, without a corresponding actuality ‘in’ perception. ‘Here’ is contingent on an actuality of a there, and a there is never actually experienced, just like a growing up is contingent on there being, a person. “Person” is a self conceptualization. The universe is experientially expanding, making it seem like there is a person growing up. Direct experience dictates there is never an actuality of an experience of a person, sans the thought and the believing of thoughts, as if thought defined or were ‘in’ perception. Thought is never “in” perception, thought is never seen. Perception is never thought, as in thunk. That perception can be thunk is the ignore-ance of actuality, and is the cornerstone of all misinformation such as that there are ‘teacher’s teaching’, and therein this is actually the perpetuation of all suffering via the purporting to be “the understander”, and “knower”, or, the manipulation of myself in the realization that ‘you’ is myself. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

For example, often times a psychosis include delusions like "someone is trying to get me, that car is following me, the government wants to hurt me" etc. If I remember correctly, Wilber proposed that this is due to a trauma during the stage of development when a child hasn't yet fully grasped that they are not the center of the universe so to speak - they are in a sense, narcissistic, self-centered, not understanding others have their own perspectives and needs etc. And later, in the early adulthood for example, something triggers a psychosis, and the thought-patterns of that earlier stage fires up, resulting in "the government wants to hurt me, that car is following me" type of delusions. See the logic?

No disrespect to Wilber of course, but a psychosis can not include delusions… because the psychosis and delusion are thoughts, believed labels, and are not some “thing” beyond thoughts, ‘psychosis’ and ‘delusion’ which are, or are not, appearing now. There isn’t an actuality of psychosis or delusion, just like there isn’t an actuality of self deception. In each case, there is the appearing of thought(s) that there is, but there is no findable actuality of what the thoughts seem to point to… only an experience of believing the thoughts, or, thought attachment. (And of course not even). 

 

There isn’t the ‘me’ of “someone is trying to get me, that car is following me, the government wants to hurt me”. That “me” is the “separate self” of thought. Again, take care to note the sentiment… there is no deception, there is thought attachment, or, the believing of thoughts. There is nothing wrong with you. 

 

A child can never fully grasp that they are not the center of the universe, because ‘child’ is a thought mistakenly believed to be a separate self, an identity. The perspective of experience, of, if you will, reality, is quite literally that of being the center of the universe. 

 

If you took a picture of the night sky each night and put all of those pictures into a projector as slides you would see that the stars are all expanding away from precisely ‘your’ perspective. This is because in the observational & experiential sense you are the center of the universe which you are being. If I did the same, I would experience the exact same results, because there aren’t others. So to speak, a child experiences reality as the center of the universe, because by all measures, they are the center of th universe, because every ‘child’ is The Creator of (so called) reality. Instead of worrying about these thoughts, enjoy the impossible & downright unbelievable experience of being in your creation which is made of none other than the unconditional love you eternally are. Allow everyone to have their theories, and enjoy your experience of everyone having their theories. There is no need to co-believe. Continue to express the emotion experienced (feel), as compared to believing the thoughts / theories (conceptualize yourself). Thoughts & perception are the appearance of, feeling. Certainty, liberation, grounded ness, peace, love, happiness, are not found in the thoughts & perception ‘they’ are appearing, as. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

So I'm wondering... Since I had a pretty harsh shroom trip a few years ago, during which some delusions fired up. The delusions were along the lines of "this world is a solipsistic dream, and the only way out is to commit suicide, or to prove I'm unbiased/brave enough to die in order to have peace and be whole". There was also delusions like "this tv show/book/song lyrics is giving me deep metaphysical messages that I need to commit suicide". So yeah, it was a psychosis in psychiatric terms.

Delusions didn’t, and couldn’t have ‘fired up’. This is what you might call the ‘stubbornness’ of letting beliefs go. That experience feels as it does precisely because believing is as Byron Katie rightfully says. Love be leaving so to speak, love, by believing thoughts, or, beliefs. Reframe the trip not as a ‘harsh shroom trip’, but as a Truth  trip, in which believe were ‘held on’ to. The suffering therein is the variable felt, between the beliefs about, and the Truth the beliefs are about. 🤍

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

It didn't end even when the trip ended. I had to spend some time in psych ward, take antipsychotics etc. It took about a year to really start getting over it, and heal.

Beliefs ‘end’ only when dispelled. One can not ‘end a unicorn’, one can see unicorn is a thought without correspondence in perception. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

The delusions I had was quite similar to what psychosis usually is like... It had the same sort of "I'm the center of the universe, this tv show is talking to me" thought pattern. Also, the idea that I need to prove my worth to please the universe sounds to me a bit similar to what we know many early-stage cultures and worldviews do with the sacrificial offerings ya know?

I can’t honestly say that I do, because there is no delusions that you had. There is only the truth of direct experience, thoughts arising now, about a subject and object, in the past (“the delusions I had”). It’s fun to relate, but it’s funner to be liberated of suffering, and to relate apparently therein. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Maybe the trip brought up something from the childhood, maybe something in my psyche fired up from the early developmental stages in a form of these delusions?

The truth trip reveals only the nature of suffering, being the be-leaving of these thoughts, as it relates to apparent identity. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Also, lately I've noticed I hold certain types of magical thinking distortions and worries. For example, a few days ago me & my girlfriend made pizza. We had to figure out which side of the pizza is for whom... And I sort of tried to make the choice, right or left side, but magical thinking fired up. Started worrying that something horrible might happen if I choose the wrong side. So I made her choose, because then it wouldn't be my responsibility... I wanted to 'let the universe decide'. I know, that sounds pretty crazy, but this is just one example. This is almost an daily occurence.

 

This too sounds like some sort of early developmental stage magical thinking pattern.

The belief is there is a ‘separate self’ which holds magical thinking. While direct experience dictates that which appears & disappears as thoughts is what actual real magic is.

Ourself. 

🤍

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Not to mention my impulsivity, naivety, perhaps some trouble taking in account how others feel etc. I've been noticing I might be a bit more childish than others my age... For example, it seems I have shorter 'time span'. I'm sort of "right now or tomorrow". Constantly seeking for a quick relief. My thoughts kind of spin around "right now relief".

 

Do you think I'm being crazy? 😁 

There is no experience of how others feel. There is the direct experience of how the thoughts feel. In putting how you feel above what you believe, there is no longer the suffering of the beliefs in ‘my impulsivity’, etc, and ‘others’, and the mirage & corresponding suffering of the believing of the comparative thoughts therein. What you’re experiencing is experiential time dilation. If interested, you can study classical, general and special relativity. But you can also just meditatively notice these are nothing more than more self conceptualizations. 

 

Imagine an infinitude of these, with space & time, or spacetime arising as thoughts, which are self conceptualizations of, the infinite being appearing as…

 

[Phil]

Just as every thought which is let go has a source, and a better feeling thought can then arise of the source that is, so too experiential reality (just let that shit go). 

 

 

To “the ego” or “separate self” there is “woo-woo”, “magical thinking”, “spiritual mumbo-jumbo”, by the transparent nonexistent veil of identifying with the thoughts “thinker”, “intellectual”, thus believing in “thinking”. Meanwhile magic appears as thoughts, and all thoughts are magical. 

“It” is always just another thought.®

[Blessed2]

@Mandy @Phil Thank you. There is a lot to unpack here.

 

Though what is coming up as of right now... It's been two years since the trip. And still, I experience doubt, and worry related to it. It hasn't yet fully healed, which is probably why I felt like making this post... I felt the worry kick up while reading your answers... "What if I was right when that trip happened, what if it's true, what if Mandy and Phil know it's true..."

 

I don't know... It's hard to see how this doubt and uncertainty could ever end. It's a sucky thing to experience this.

 

I would like to know already. I would like to be sure it wasn't true.

 

Such a peculiar thing though... So weird how thought, focus and belief works. Seems to be pretty much un-understanable. Un-graspable.

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Well, what's the next step up? Disappointment. Express that. It's always a good one.

 

Or read through this, https://www.louisehay.com/101-best-louise-hay-positive-affirmations/#:~:text=am at peace.-,Loving others is easy when I love and accept myself,members just as they are. and write down the ones that hit you to look at later. 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

What’s true direct experience wise is there is only the thought about a trip two years ago. It sounds like you’re experiencing paranoia.  This isn’t common but isn’t ultra-rare either when one begins recognizing it’s the thoughts one is feeling (not what other people think or say). Being born, forgetting your infinitude and true nature is traumatizing.  Allowing and feeling your own true nature is a matter of letting concerning thoughts go. An uncovering, unfettering… not a solving, trying, figuring out, trying to get somewhere. 
 

 

[Celestial]

13 hours ago, Phil said:

 

With respect to the trauma, the question ‘where do you have or “got” it’ is unanswerable, because of the nature of trauma as it relates to identity. It’s not possible to ‘have’ a trauma ‘somewhere’, because you are Being the ‘somewhere’. 

 

Wilber’s surely well intending and indeed close, but the concession is too big. Direct experience dictates there isn’t a ‘there’, in which a psyche can actually be ‘stuck’, and there isn’t a psyche in the first place, of which there could be ‘parts’. There is the thought, ‘psyche’, without a corresponding actuality ‘in’ perception. ‘Here’ is contingent on an actuality of a there, and a there is never actually experienced, just like a growing up is contingent on there being, a person. “Person” is a self conceptualization. The universe is experientially expanding, making it seem like there is a person growing up. Direct experience dictates there is never an actuality of an experience of a person, sans the thought and the believing of thoughts, as if thought defined or were ‘in’ perception. Thought is never “in” perception, thought is never seen. Perception is never thought, as in thunk. That perception can be thunk is the ignore-ance of actuality, and is the cornerstone of all misinformation such as that there are ‘teacher’s teaching’, and therein this is actually the perpetuation of all suffering via the purporting to be “the understander”, and “knower”, or, the manipulation of myself in the realization that ‘you’ is myself. 

 

No disrespect to Wilber of course, but a psychosis can not include delusions… because the psychosis and delusion are thoughts, believed labels, and are not some “thing” beyond thoughts, ‘psychosis’ and ‘delusion’ which are, or are not, appearing now. There isn’t an actuality of psychosis or delusion, just like there isn’t an actuality of self deception. In each case, there is the appearing of thought(s) that there is, but there is no findable actuality of what the thoughts seem to point to… only an experience of believing the thoughts, or, thought attachment. (And of course not even). 

 

There isn’t the ‘me’ of “someone is trying to get me, that car is following me, the government wants to hurt me”. That “me” is the “separate self” of thought. Again, take care to note the sentiment… there is no deception, there is thought attachment, or, the believing of thoughts. There is nothing wrong with you. 

 

A child can never fully grasp that they are not the center of the universe, because ‘child’ is a thought mistakenly believed to be a separate self, an identity. The perspective of experience, of, if you will, reality, is quite literally that of being the center of the universe. 

 

If you took a picture of the night sky each night and put all of those pictures into a projector as slides you would see that the stars are all expanding away from precisely ‘your’ perspective. This is because in the observational & experiential sense you are the center of the universe which you are being. If I did the same, I would experience the exact same results, because there aren’t others. So to speak, a child experiences reality as the center of the universe, because by all measures, they are the center of th universe, because every ‘child’ is The Creator of (so called) reality. Instead of worrying about these thoughts, enjoy the impossible & downright unbelievable experience of being in your creation which is made of none other than the unconditional love you eternally are. Allow everyone to have their theories, and enjoy your experience of everyone having their theories. There is no need to co-believe. Continue to express the emotion experienced (feel), as compared to believing the thoughts / theories (conceptualize yourself). Thoughts & perception are the appearance of, feeling. Certainty, liberation, grounded ness, peace, love, happiness, are not found in the thoughts & perception ‘they’ are appearing, as. 

 

Delusions didn’t, and couldn’t have ‘fired up’. This is what you might call the ‘stubbornness’ of letting beliefs go. That experience feels as it does precisely because believing is as Byron Katie rightfully says. Love be leaving so to speak, love, by believing thoughts, or, beliefs. Reframe the trip not as a ‘harsh shroom trip’, but as a Truth  trip, in which believe were ‘held on’ to. The suffering therein is the variable felt, between the beliefs about, and the Truth the beliefs are about. 🤍

 

Beliefs ‘end’ only when dispelled. One can not ‘end a unicorn’, one can see unicorn is a thought without correspondence in perception. 

 

I can’t honestly say that I do, because there is no delusions that you had. There is only the truth of direct experience, thoughts arising now, about a subject and object, in the past (“the delusions I had”). It’s fun to relate, but it’s funner to be liberated of suffering, and to relate apparently therein. 

 

The truth trip reveals only the nature of suffering, being the be-leaving of these thoughts, as it relates to apparent identity. 

 

The belief is there is a ‘separate self’ which holds magical thinking. While direct experience dictates that which appears & disappears as thoughts is what actual real magic is.

Ourself. 

🤍

 

There is no experience of how others feel. There is the direct experience of how the thoughts feel. In putting how you feel above what you believe, there is no longer the suffering of the beliefs in ‘my impulsivity’, etc, and ‘others’, and the mirage & corresponding suffering of the believing of the comparative thoughts therein. What you’re experiencing is experiential time dilation. If interested, you can study classical, general and special relativity. But you can also just meditatively notice these are nothing more than more self conceptualizations. 

 

Imagine an infinitude of these, with space & time, or spacetime arising as thoughts, which are self conceptualizations of, the infinite being appearing as…

 

Appreciate the in-depthness of your response 🙏