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I'm Not Sure if I really Wanna Self Realize


Orb
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I've posted a lot of nice spiritual stuff on here but for the sake of transparency I wanna add that these are fleeting experiences and are unsatisfying in the long run. 

 

I've been fearing that deep down I really don't want enlightenment, and only jumped on the bandwagon years ago because I wanted to be cool, basically to enhance the self image.

 

My "style" is too turbulent. Everyone I see on YouTube who's self realized just went by the books, they meditated every day for 1+ hours and stayed focused.

 

For me it's all over the place, very turbulent. 

 

I'll meditate for 20-30 mins at least per day them just be unstable and all over the place. Laying in bed all day watching YouTube, having a random burst of inspiration and working, eating food that doesn't feel good but tastes good, etc. 

 

I've had awakening experiences in my goddamn underwear for Christ's sake! just sitting on the floor in my underwear in awe of everything, this seems so different from other people on the path. 

 

I don't think I really want this because I'm not willing to meditate for decades to become enlightened, I want it right now. 

 

Thoughts still arise during meditation, in fact idk what the hell every spiritual teacher is talking about! 

 

J.K said that one must be very serious about meditation, keeping attention in all moments, the fact I'm unwilling to do this maybe means I don't really care about truth. 

 

I wanted enlightenment because I felt competitive, I figured enlightenment would make me better than anyone else many years ago. So I jumped on the bandwagon. 

 

Even when I mention about awakenings/glimpses I know I'm bullshitting, how can I myself know what experience is true or not?

 

How can I know whether experience is material or spiritual? 

 

All these teachers were serious about truth in their youth, I don't take this seriously at all. 

 

Like I'm crazy, thoughts all over the place, dreaming, visualizing, eating food, jerking off, laying down, watching youtube, meditating for 20 mins. 

 

I'm a fucking monkey! I have thumbs! 

 

Only 2 paths I see moving forward, either I live my whole life wasting time meditating, or instant enlightenment! 

 

Come on! It's 2022! Make enlightenment instant already!! We got high speed internet, meditation is cringe! 

 

Watch, tomorrow I'm gonna have another glimpse and post some spiritual shit on the Path section of the forum. 🤦‍♂️

🌞🌚

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I don't know shit about anything but it seems like you're projecting good feeling / relief onto enlightenment, when the relief is actually in letting go these thoughts / beliefs that feel like shit.

 

Maybe there just literally is no such thing as enlightenment, self-realization, or suffering.

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🦧❤️
 

Well yeah, who the hell would want anything other then right now! 😆
What comes up when you want enlightenment right now? Why do you feel it isn’t already there? 
What seems to be missing? What would it look like to be enlightened right now?

 

When enlightenment is conceptualized it seems like there is something someone has to to do to get there. 
What drops when you meditate is the concepts, all concepts, including thoughts about how the meditation will be negative/ or positive, and thoughts about anything that needs to happen to get to where You Already Are. Natural enjoyment is unveiled. 

It seems like you go back and forward between glimpses and thinking about a way to get tHere, as Truth is conceptualized after each glimpse. Remain in what is being noticed during a glimpse without detaching from the stillness the next time a glimpse is experienced.  
 

In a sense, of course the million thoughts will tell you not to meditate, they don’t wanna lose their authority.  

 

 

🤍🧠👀

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13 hours ago, Orb said:

It's 2022! Make enlightenment instant already!!

Believes in time, believes enlightenment takes time, wants it to be instant.

13 hours ago, Orb said:

Only 2 paths I see moving forward, either I live my whole life wasting time meditating, or instant enlightenment! 

Whenever you're wrestling with "is it this way or is it THIS way?", recognize that you're trying to find some exclusionary answer, in which clarity can't come because clarity is the truth of "no exclusion, not two, no second". 

 

The concept of "waste" is the concept of exclusion. That's why it feels awful. 

 

I want enlightenment so I can be one of the winners in a world of losers. Enlightenment is realizing that the losers by default already got there first. "This first shall be last, the last shall be first." This no time thing really is more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. 

 

13 hours ago, Orb said:

Like I'm crazy, thoughts all over the place, dreaming, visualizing, eating food, jerking off, laying down, watching youtube, meditating for 20 mins. 

 

I'm a fucking monkey! I have thumbs! 

You only did one of those things at once and only even typed them in a linear fashion one letter at a time, yet it seems like there are "thoughts all over the place". Bahahahaha. 

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@Orb

What have you ever done to anyone ever that you feel so bad about yourself for? I’m not asking for an answer, just suggesting you give that some consideration. I have a big hunch the answer is literally nothing and you’re actually missing that. 

 

Maybe the more you allow this, the more you allow everyone else to have everyone else’s karma too. Maybe therein you realize you are free of what you’ve been wanting to be free of. 

 

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@Phil I've lied to people, stolen from them, used them. This was years ago but it still happened. How could it be nothing?

24 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Orb

Maybe the more you allow this, the more you allow everyone else to have everyone else’s karma too. Maybe therein you realize you are free of what you’ve been wanting to be free of. 

Everyone else to have everyone else's karma? I don't know much about karma and there's so many different interpretations, do you mean action? 

🌞🌚

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2 hours ago, Orb said:

@Phil I've lied to people, stolen from them, used them. This was years ago but it still happened. How could it be nothing?

Therein lies the only relevant factor.

“How could it be nothing?” 

Well… what’s “it”? 

A self & events in a past.

What’s “it” really though? 

Right now, in direct experience?

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