Looking for relationship insight

[WhiteOwl]

I have been seeing this woman for around 1,5 year total where she has been away for around 6 of the month of the time. Even though we have been seeing other for this long and are very intimate when we are together, she has not been a part of my life outside just food and sex, and she has never met my family, and only met with my friends once. I feel a lot of discomfort thinking about bringing her into that part, as I am afraid what people will think about it. I feel very much like it reflects back on my character. She doesn't speak the language and her English is not that great (we communicate in a third language also that most people here don't speak), which is also of my concern when bringing her out, I'm afraid people will think she is uncool, stupid, too easy (and therefor, me also). I am afraid I can't be myself, maybe because I feel like I meet her on a different level than my life generally since we have to talk a bit slower and I have to be a bit patience for her to understand sometimes. 

Sometimes I feel like I could easily do without her in my life, but then other times I do want her and think of the possibilities. We have a sexual connection and like the same things which I didn't try with someone else, which is why I can't let go I think. She is an amazing person, strong, really caring for other people, and I think we could explore some interesting things together. But at the same time I sometimes feel a bit bored in our conversations and I feel uninterested in her friend circle as it is very different from my own where its a lot more about being "cool". 

 

I would like to want to be with her and not give a damn about all this stuff, but I am not sure if I feel the right way for it to happen. I am also afraid of letting something go that might actually get really great because of my idea of how things should be. I had a girlfriend for many years earlier who I think is an extremely cool and amazing person, so that still influences my look on people. 

 

I am confused as when you love someone, as I didn't try it for many years now since my last real girlfriend. 

 

Anything you notice might be appreciated. Some insights already just from writing.

 

[Eothasian]

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

I'm afraid people will think she is uncool, stupid, too easy (and therefor, me also).

Isn't that a plus, not a minus?

[Mandy]

I think that as a first step realizing that you aren't alone and that this is an incredibly common thing is a good place to start. 

 

All of this is based on the belief in separate selves. Ditch the belief, not the girl. There's the belief that we can be a certain way, have a judgement of ourselves or another that is not a fleeting projection, or thought but is substantial. Other beliefs at play...."My partner defines who I am. " "What people think of me has the power to affect my happiness." "There are cool and amazing people and there are people who aren't." 

 

Rather than believing that there are cool people and uncool people, if you're going to concern yourself with a duality, make the question "Am I seeing things clearly right now, or am I feeling the guidance of negative emotion?" 

 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

There's the belief that we can be a certain way, have a judgement of ourselves or another that is not a fleeting projection, or thought but is substantial. 

 

That was very useful. Judgements feel so real and substantial when we repeat them all the time. 

 

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

Rather than believing that there are cool people and uncool people, if you're going to concern yourself with a duality, make the question "Am I seeing things clearly right now, or am I feeling the guidance of negative emotion?" 

 

I am trying to make the switch to not concern myself so much with duality, but its more slowly happening it seems. It seems to "me" there is some step from understanding it and being able to see it when you look into it, to actually having the "perspective" in situations where you are used to thinking in a habitual way.

 

I don't actually believe in cool people my mind is saying, but its not true. It has a sneaky way of protecting itself. Also that it is difficult to change comes up. But then I realized that I must be believing it for it to be there, and then it can be changed. 

 

@Eothasian You mean in the sense that I get her all for myself? My friends wouldn't want to be assholes towards me 😃 Otherwise I didn't catch it

[Phil]

 

14 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Anything you notice might be appreciated.

Ummmm, well dude, somethings I notice which might be appreciated… very intimate when you’re together, food, sex, talking slower, patience, possibilities, sexual connection, you like the same things, you try new things together, she’s amazing, strong, caring, you have shared interests, and her friend circle isn’t about ‘being cool’. This reads like a script of a success story of an ad for a matchmaking service. I kind of want to reach into a bag of zen slaps and pull the biggest one out for you.

 

Who cares what anyone else thinks. They feel their perspectives, you feel yours. You’re livin your life, they’re livin theirs. 

(Zen-slap) If you don’t care for how it feels when you judge other people for what they might think… don’t judge other people for what they might think. Let them say & think whatever they want. Allow that to be theirs. Be ok with everybody having opinions, preferences, etc. Be unconditional in this respect, and you’re simply being yourself. 🤍

 

“When someone offers you a gift, which you refuse - to whom does it belong?”

- The Buddha

[Eothasian]

13 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

You mean in the sense that I get her all for myself? My friends wouldn't want to be assholes towards me 😃 Otherwise I didn't catch it

Yeah, you can get jiggy together all you want.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Eothasian