What's the catch here?

[Blessed2]

Some experiences and mental + physical health troubles in the past years has made me realize some "undercover" death wish / suicidal thoughts.

 

For example, I've had some arrhythmia lately. At times when it comes, there is some fear like "what if the heart just stops suddenly and I die". But that's not really the issue. Somehow it seems like there is a more underlying thought "damn, I wish I would just die now so this could all be over".

 

There is a lot of beliefs and ideas that has lately surfaced in regard to death. Believes like death is some ultimate answer, the final and absolute atonement, after which everything will finally be "done right", or uncovered, unveiled and revealed. No more doubt, no more uncertainty - everything is Done.

 

I'm probably not the only one holding beliefs like this... I suspect there are entire religions and such cultural institutions and doctrines centered around this belief or assumption. As well as capital punishments and tons of people committing suicide etc.

 

As these beliefs has been uncovered, it has also been realized that what if... There is nothing in death that cannot be in life? Meaning it is possible, entirely possible, to have whatever answers or total Doneness and Completeness we assume and believe only death holds, in life? This is one of those insights that really ring a bell for me, really feels good and gives a sense like I'm really after something here.

 

Though I'm still feeling the same aversion or "running away" from life. Even when I truly suspect life could be alright, that I could be happy and complete, I still notice the same underlying death-wishy thoughts appear.

 

I don't get what it is. I truly suspect there is nothing inherently bad or suffering in life, that it's all about what I think and believe. I really do suspect that paradise or 'heaven on earth' could be possible. But I still feel like shit. I don't know what beliefs exactly create the running away from life.

 

And the arrhythmia continues... I suspect it is linked exactly to this. The vibes I get of it, is that it's due to the constant stress and struggle life seems like and feels like to me. Though if I'm aware of this, shouldn't this be the healing already? Or do I need to do something more?

 

Overall, life just seems quite hard and not enjoyable. It feels like constant struggle and fight and stress. Even though I think that it totally could be possible for life to be enjoyable, happy and good. In fact, it makes more sense for life to feel good. But I still feel quite shit. What's the catch here? 🤔

 

Don't really know what I'm asking. Maybe just wondering by myself.

[Phil]

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Meaning it is possible, entirely possible, to have whatever answers or total Doneness and Completeness we assume and believe only death holds, in life? This is one of those insights that really ring a bell for me, really feels good and gives a sense like I'm really after something here.

That is exactly the case. However…

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I'm probably not the only one holding beliefs like this.

That isn’t accurate. You are the only one holding these beliefs, namely that there is something called death. Notice death is held to be something other than yourself and the key is that it is believed to be something, like an object. This by default is the belief that you are a subject which knows an object. Where are subjects and objects in sensation? Where are subjects and objects in perception?

 

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Though I'm still feeling the same aversion or "running away" from life. Even when I truly suspect life could be alright, that I could be happy and complete, I still notice the same underlying death-wishy thoughts appear.

It is the same with life. Life is held to be an object, which you don’t know if it is alright or not. It’s not that life is an object ‘somewhere’ which you will ultimately find and find out if it is alright. In direct experience thoughts are arising about an object called life and about whether it will be found to be all right or not for a subject which doesn’t exist. 
 

 

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I don't get what it is. I truly suspect there is nothing inherently bad or suffering in life, that it's all about what I think and believe. I really do suspect that paradise or 'heaven on earth' could be possible. But I still feel like shit. I don't know what beliefs exactly create the running away from life.

You are what is. The you which doesn’t get what is, is a thought of a subject separate from, what is. 
Are you? Yes, you are. 
Simple. Since you are, you are what is.  
But you are infinite, and thus you can not be anything you think, so to speak, because thought can only be about objects, and objects don’t exist. 

 

The belief that creates the running away from life, where is the aversion, is the belief in fear. Reframe as the aversion from the guidance of yourself. Go into fear, feel it so fully there is none left to explore. 
 

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

And the arrhythmia continues... I suspect it is linked exactly to this. The vibes I get of it, is that it's due to the constant stress and struggle life seems like and feels like to me. Though if I'm aware of this, shouldn't this be the healing already? Or do I need to do something more?

Yes, of course it is. It is the carrying of the subjective belief, “to me”.  There is no I which is aware of a this. Only awareness is aware. 
 

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Overall, life just seems quite hard and not enjoyable. It feels like constant struggle and fight and stress. Even though I think that it totally could be possible for life to be enjoyable, happy and good. In fact, it makes more sense for life to feel good. But I still feel quite shit. What's the catch here? 🤔

The assumption is there is you, subject, and life, object. 

 

 

 

This is a actually dream. 
 

 

[Aware Wolf]

Have you gotten medically checked out for the arrythmia ? 

 

The Buddha referred to Death as one of the heavenly messengers. Death can turn us to the spiritual and make us reflect. Bhikkhu Analayo says the one meditation he thinks has the greatest transformative power is meditation on death. (see youtube video below) Journal and write like you did here. 

 

There are many beliefs as you point out about death. It's not certain we'll know everything upon death. The Tibetans have the Bardo of death and it's an illusion. Maybe there's nothingness. Maybe it will be better. Maybe not though. But certainly it will be different. May as well enjoy an incarnation in a human form as much as you can while you've got it. What's important to you? 

 

 

“There is no Death! What seems so is transition;
This life of mortal breath
Is but a suburb of the life elysian,
Whose portal we call Death.

 

 

 

Bhikkhu Analayo Guided Meditation on Death:

 

 

I've posted this clip from MIdnight Mass before but I really like it. It's a good palate cleanser

after the rather dry Bhikkhu Analayo death meditation. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

On 8/14/2022 at 4:55 AM, Phil said:

Yes, of course it is. It is the carrying of the subjective belief, “to me”.  There is no I which is aware of a this. Only awareness is aware. 

 

How does one go about dispelling that belief? Quickly....?

 

How would you go about healing the heart problem if you were me?

 

The arrhtyhmia has been really bad today. Feeling very disoriented and as if it could just stop any minute. Really feeling like something is wrong... I tried seeing a doctor a few days ago but they didn't have any open times for me... Have to wait until late next month...

 

Really not feeling good. I can't stand how the palpitations feel. I've tried relaxing, meditating... It doesn't work. Losing hope here. It's eating my energy. Can't focus on good stuff. Can't feel excited about stuff. It's so annoying and makes me worry and feel so uneasy. Can't stand it. Feelin like losing my mind, it feels so damn horrible.

[Phil]

@Blessed2

It sounds like a self diagnosis. I’m obviously not a doctor. I would go see a doctor. If it’s as intense & prevalent as you’re saying, I wouldn’t call one doctor and wait over a month, I’d call a few and see one today, or at the least, tomorrow. If that wasn’t available I’d stop at an urgent care or a hospital today so they could check it out. If there is something to address, you’ll feel relief in addressing it. If there isn’t something to address, you’ll feel the relief that it isn’t arrhythmia.

 

Have you checked your bpm? Is it more indicative of tachycardia, bradycardia or general fibrillation?

 

Questions for you to think about, not trying to put you on the spot…

How’s you height to weight ratio, what’s your exercise / fitness routine look like? 

How’s your diet? Caffeine, sugar, flour, fast food, excessive fats, preservatives, etc? 

What habits might be involved? Lack of sleep, smoking, vaping, alcohol, substance use in general? 

What about worry, anxiety or fear? Is there an event or change coming up which there is anticipatory concern about? Or maybe a change you desire but feel resistance to? 

Is it a spiritual assumption resulting in some form of anticipatory concern, like perhaps conjecture has led to thoughts or believing  ‘ego death’ might occur and is believed to be some kind of discordant experience? 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 I agree with seeing a doctor. Medical Medium (Anthony William) has a lot of approaches and explanations for chronic and usually unexplained conditions that are very different from what medical science is currently saying, but seem to be incredibly effective. Not really a fan of the cult like attitudes being perpetuated a bit with it, but the diet changes suggested seems to be in practice as cutting edge and life changing as he claims. Basically, cut out caffeine, wheat, dairy, eggs, and add in a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. There are a lot of other details worth learning and trying out in my opinion. I used to have heart palpitations but don't anymore. I also had an echocardiogram to rule out anything else. Hope you get some relief soon. ❤️

 

 

[Blessed2]

17 hours ago, Phil said:

Is it a spiritual assumption resulting in some form of anticipatory concern, like perhaps conjecture has led to thoughts or believing  ‘ego death’ might occur and is believed to be some kind of discordant experience? 

 

Yes. In fact, there has been years of waiting for and at the same time fearing this ego death, awakening or mystical experience.

 

Been believing that ego death kind of has to be scary, there must be some sort of ultimate panic attack when finally everything will be surrendered and ultimate fears faced. Then I could finally relax. If I just somehow manage to let go my fears, if I somehow manage to face it.

 

Been believing the only thing "holding me back", of the only thing in the way of happiness and peace, is fear. Been really thinking that fear has some important function, that the answer to everything is to be less or none afraid.

 

 

[Blessed2]

@Mandy Might look into it in the future. I'm feeling so tired and just discouraged and really quite stubborn so thinking of doing diet changes just feels super frustrating and hard.

 

Feeling kind of "no don't give me stuff to do, that's annoying, I don't want to do anything, just make this pain stop now"

 

Edited August 17, 2022 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Hmm... are you really though or are you thinking that you are? Have a piece of fruit in the house? How is eating an apple or a banana not enjoyable? Thought makes insurmountable tasks out of what is always just this moment. 

 

Mountains don't have peaks. 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Yes. In fact, there has been years of waiting for and at the same time fearing this ego death, awakening or mystical experience.

 

Been believing that ego death kind of has to be scary, there must be some sort of ultimate panic attack when finally everything will be surrendered and ultimate fears faced. Then I could finally relax. If I just somehow manage to let go my fears, if I somehow manage to face it.

 

Been believing the only thing "holding me back", of the only thing in the way of happiness and peace, is fear. Been really thinking that fear has some important function, that the answer to everything is to be less or none afraid.

 

 

That very likely has a lot, maybe even everything to do with it. It is fundamentally misinformation with respect to a subject matter that is near impossible to clearly articulate, and therefore direct experience must be more deeply investigated. There is also how it felt / feels when misinformation is heard… and the matter of listening to ‘someone else’… vs feeling. 

 

An attempt to say it as simply as possible… It was very much believed that there are separate physical things, and that Phil was one of these separate physical things, and therein that Phil was born and will die. But “ego death” isn’t a death of anything at all. There’s no actuality of death, it is apparently a worldwide collective assumption created from the more fundamental underlying belief that thought defines perception.

It’s more so realizing these thoughts (was born, will die, am a separate object / self)  were assumed to be true, and therein… it is then realized these thoughts were just beliefed. When these thoughts were believed, there was the emotion, fear. Fear has a lot of misinformation involving evolution etc… and evolution is also a belief, and like being born and death… has no direct experience whatsoever… and ‘circles back’ to believing thoughts define perception. 

[Blessed2]

On 8/17/2022 at 8:12 PM, Phil said:

underlying belief that thought defines perception

 

I totally get what you are pointing at here and this is a great video/blog subject btw.

 

This has been kind of a life-changing insight for me, especially when it comes to something I call "ideologies of sex and sexuality" for the lack of better words. What I mean by that is when at times people might say stuff like "masculine, aggressive, obnoxious men attract more women" or "all women are just looking for a strong high value man" etc. These beliefs/ideas seem to have become quite widespread these days. Probably leaving a lot of people feeling insecure, trying to fit into this role what is believed to be the only way to success in intimacy and romance. It's easy to kind of fall into that rabbit hole of ideology when feeling insecure etc. Then there are countless arguments, especially from biology/evolution to justify it. This, rather than returning to breathing from the stomach and acknowledging how one really feels etc.

 

Though for me it is kind of hard to do the same trick with beliefs in death. It just seems so real and like an actual threat that I might/will die at some point.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

I totally get what you are pointing at here and this is a great video/blog subject btw.

 

This has been kind of a life-changing insight for me, especially when it comes to something I call "ideologies of sex and sexuality" for the lack of better words. What I mean by that is when at times people might say stuff like "masculine, aggressive, obnoxious men attract more women" or "all women are just looking for a strong high value man" etc. These beliefs/ideas seem to have become quite widespread these days. Probably leaving a lot of people feeling insecure, trying to fit into this role what is believed to be the only way to success in intimacy and romance. It's easy to kind of fall into that rabbit hole of ideology when feeling insecure etc. Then there are countless arguments, especially from biology/evolution to justify it. This, rather than returning to breathing from the stomach and acknowledging how one really feels etc.

🙏🏻 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Though for me it is kind of hard to do the same trick with beliefs in death. It just seems so real and like an actual threat that I might/will die at some point.

Apply that insight to that ‘me’ of ‘for me’. 

If the finite mind you’re appearing as is absolutely blown, that’s the notorious It. 

[Blessed2]

Somehow feelin super open and free flowing today. Intense emotionality.

 

Trying to allow fear and anxiety come and go, though it's scary. It's basically thoughts like what if I have ego death or mystical experience and go to some new scary territory where things are surreal or psychotic and I'm alone. Trying to ride the moment and just sit and watch.

 

Also I notice some weirdness. Sitting in a train restaurant right now. The people here feel weird. The energies are weird so to speak. Don't like it. It's probably that transference thing or something. Kind of feelin mad at others. Feelin mad and resentful that they are being weird or something. As if they were doing something wrong or being inauthentic and dishonest or weird and annoying. Though it feels better noticing it's probably about me.