Eternal Posted August 5, 2022 Share Posted August 5, 2022 I have been feeling extremely tired the last couple of hours and just wondering where this super lethargic feeling comes from. One of the only things that I was thinking was just going to sleep in bed and relaxing. I had a lot of sleep, went out for breakfast with my family and all of a sudden at the gym.. I just started to feel incredibly tired. Kind of feel like that right now. It seems to happen rather frequently. I was hoping to get quite a bit done today but this tiredness seems to be holding me back. I just don't know why I feel like this. I seem to feel tired a lot and it is no fun, especially when I get a lot of sleep. Also I get this extremely spaced out feeling, like not belonging. Feeling like a complete outsider to everyone. Possibly depersonalisation. I will look at myself in the mirror a lot and get a sense of being extremely disidentified with my body. Sometimes I want to just get away from my family, I feel labelled and judged by them which probably explains why I have discordant thoughts about true expression of who I am. Unfortunately my parents unofficialy diagnosed me with autism when I was around 12 at school and so now a have huge limiting beliefs of saying that right or wrong thing. I think my subconscious adopted this and does not want to be weird around anyone. Hence why when I am around people, I don't enjoy myself. It is almost like I try so hard to not be myself because I don't want to be weird. I can't ever express myself without my thinking mind taking control first. It is always like "what do I say" which is so incredibly discordant because it does not come from within. It comes from the wanting to appear perfect to others. My aunt said I shouldn't do drugs because I have a mental illness and called me autistic when I was having breakfast with my family. That did not feel good because I don't feel like I have any problems with me. I just feel judged and labelled a lot around my family :(. I just feel like being by myself today and not really socializing with anyone. Maybe I will do that. A lot of the time I socialise with others because I crave sex thinking it is going to fill the emptiness. I often say yes to others to make them happy at my own dispense and happiness. It is like doing something that I don't want on my dreamboard just to make the other person happy. I can't think of anything better right now than just being by myself in my own little bubble of relaxation. I had an amazing time with this girl I met last night for the 3rd time. I was actually being myself and I could sense her attraction towards me. Because I was just there being happy and talking about what I am interested in. The conversation was natural. We had sex, I enjoyed myself but now I do get thoughts about her. Like if I should of texted her when I got back home but I decided to text her earlier today which was a day later. I am afraid of liking her or her rejecting me. What if I cause her to suffer. She seems to be such a nice person and we smoked weed together which was very fun. Weed gave me a lot of insights, I entered into the true nature behind form. I realized when I stop chasing for what I want, insight just came to me, I was journaling for hours on onenote on my phone. I felt something beyond me was talking to me. It was incredibly freeing, recognizing the formless dimension beyond birth and death. I was even explaining to her how I felt in a super charasmatic way, she soon fell asleep though but nevertheless I was having a good time. Maybe thoughts are getting less of a grip on me. I am trying not to judge myself on a thought I get. A lot of the times, I am incredibly self critial wheneverI get thought. Whenever I journal on here, I always get a thought of not being able to express myself. I am bad at communicating. My sentances don't make sense. Do I just say the first thing that comes to mind. It feels bad having to create bad sentences. I want them to make sense. I want to get amazing insights that are well thought out. Sometimes I find that I don't think enough before I type or maybe I think to much. I wish I had a better vocabularly and spoke better, especially when I journal and write. I want to be a good leader for others to look up for but sometimes I feel weak as I am bad at explaining concepts. I always have the need to be improving myself everyday.. I want to be charasmatic... a good leader, living a life on purpose, financial freedom, into spirituality but I have fears. Fears of what if I cannot make it. What if my brain is damaged and I am actually autistic. I find myself to be quite stupid sometimes as I never took my GCSES and was very addicted to computer games growing up so did not take my education seriously. I was bullied all my schools, I probably went to like 15 different ones. I used to get very bad panic attacks and anxiety around others so eventually I dropped out when I was like 16, I am currently 26. Right now I am just talking without thinking. I need to try to follow feeling more. I have a lot of bad beliefs probably. I am trying to make more of an effort to see through the nature of thought and to what I really am. Sometimes I get glimpses and sometimes not but I find journaling to be helpful. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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