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Male/Female attraction...


Eternal
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I find attraction very frustrating. I don't want to put on some kind of front just so I can be perceived by others in a different light. It causes me a lot of anxiety and suffering within my own mind. Should I say this or should I say that? What would be the best thing to say? Is me talking about spirituality to drunk girls a wise decision or a stupid decision. They most likeley won't get attracted to me if that is only what I am talking about as that is not really the environment for spirituality. It's the constant trying to be someone I am not. What do I genuinely talk about with people... I have no idea. I do know I have a deep fear of rejection. I was terrified of texting this girl that I went on a date with last night. I eventually decided to muster up the courage. She is probably going to send me a text back rejecting me. I purposefully sent her a very boring message. My thought process is to try and see how it makes me feel and be mindful of it. Of course it is going to bring up feelings of unworthiness. Makes me sad going on lots of dates and messing most of them up. I don't even enjoy being there. I think about how to escalate, flirt, what moves to make, how to close, how to kiss.. etc... It is up to the man to create the vibe on the date. When I don't meet that expectation I feel terrible afterwards. Like a failure. I do think I have a lot to offer if I am comfortable with the person. If there is a lot of mind game playing involved, I find that hard to cope with. I think what feels worse is just knowing that I am good looking but have such a bad dating life for so many years because I suck at socializing. I just waste time and money going on all these dates, it just makes me feel so bad inside. Every rejection is another bruise to my ego.. of not being good enough. 

 

I don't like the fact that I need to incoorpate certain behaviours and things to do in order for women to get attracted to me. I try working on my social skills but feel like I don't improve. You'd think I would be great at dates after like 50 but I am still the same.. still hate socializing and get rejected 99% of the time. 

 

I just want to know that I am able to get women. Sometimes I don't even feel like it's about the sex. It's more about failure and not being good enough to even get a woman attracted to me. Maybe I should just meditate in a cave for the rest of my life.. socializing and dating brings me back into unconscious thought loops. I am so afraid of making the frame of a date man/woman. I don't even try to esculate. I hope I don't get rejected by this one because It is going to make me feel bad.

 

All my conversations are very forced. Boring platonic conversations. I just want regular sex and then I will be happy.. I want to get good at having sex. I have slept with like 50 women and I still feel like I am bad with women and worthless. I still feel bad at sex. I have slept with loads of unattractive women in the past because I thought that is the best I could do. I don't understand why I have such a bad self image of myself. My inner voice is so horrible. I even get scared of knowing what to say to a woman after I have slept with her incase she will reject me. Perhaps it is a fear of being around others. Usually I just want to vegetate and watch T.V while going back into the layers of my mind and not to thinking about social interactions. I have a date later, this is the second date we have been on and she kind of insinuated over text that she would be down to come back to mine afterwards. I hope I don't mess it up. I hope I enjoy the interaction.. I feel like I won't know what to say. 

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You don't have to put on a front, which is why the idea that you do feels so wrong.  The "secret" that we came into life knowing and may have forgotten at some point is that being yourself and not doubting that is exactly what attracts. At first this can be very off putting to someone only because they are busy maintaining a façade and they very much dislike how that feels, and someone who does not believe in facades pisses them off. Often what at first seems like disgust can turn to attraction. It's their emotional journey. it's not the "way you are" causing their reaction. You already aren't responsible for how others feel, so the only thing that make sense is to feel great.

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7 hours ago, Mandy said:

You don't have to put on a front, which is why the idea that you do feels so wrong.  The "secret" that we came into life knowing and may have forgotten at some point is that being yourself and not doubting that is exactly what attracts. At first this can be very off putting to someone only because they are busy maintaining a façade and they very much dislike how that feels, and someone who does not believe in facades pisses them off. Often what at first seems like disgust can turn to attraction. It's their emotional journey. it's not the "way you are" causing their reaction. You already aren't responsible for how others feel, so the only thing that make sense is to feel great.

But there are differentiating characteristics that make a man attractive vs unattractive... so you're saying if you naturally are a weak/beta guy around women.. just do that if it feels good? 

 

I kind of get where you are coming from but at the same time surely you should try to work on improving your personality and how you present yourself to others in an authentic way. You make it sound like no personal development or improvement is involved in attracting women, maybe for a natural that is the case. 

 

Or do you just try to love yourself and loving others will become effortless because you always feel good with being yourself? Can feel quite hard to compute as I most likely have trauma to deal with and seriously lack the capacity to love others. I want others to fulfill my selfish needs to fill this "void" which apparently does not exist. 

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Hear you, I struggle with the same kind of insecurities. "I should be funnier, more talkative, more extraverted, more socially valuable masculine man..."

 

Though, let's get real. There is no 'weak beta men'.

 

It is not 'up to the man to create the vibe'.

 

There is nothing that needs to change about you. You don't need to go through personal development bullshit to improve your personality or social skills or something to attract women. You're obviously a great guy. Anyone can see it. There is a ton of people who would enjoy being around you...

 

Familiar ideas and rhetoric presented here... Do you follow Actualized content...?

 

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There’s something to be said for going to experience, such as experience with women, to feel great. How could one know it is more fleeting pleasure than the genuine article without the experience of checking, of trying that route?  Likewise, trying to be this way & that. If you don’t try, how would you know what does and doesn’t result in feeling the way you want to feel, as yourself?

 

If you didn’t be experience there wouldn’t be experience. But you did. Are. So then if you didn’t look for good feeling everywhere you’d never realize you’re it, and the uncovering of yourself would never begin. But rejoice, it has. 

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4 hours ago, Eternal said:

But there are differentiating characteristics that make a man attractive vs unattractive... so you're saying if you naturally are a weak/beta guy around women.. just do that if it feels good? 

Thinking that you are beta/weak or worrying that you will appear that way will not resonate. A man who is confident and happy and comfortable doing what he's doing is attractive. Women love men in uniform and men in bands partly because they are so focused on their work that it draws you in. We want to be with people who are in the flow of what they are doing. We want to be around people who want to be around us. Not just someone who want us in their bed naked later, but who want to be around us right this very moment. We don't want the pressure of making you happy in the future, we want to be thoroughly appreciated as we are without expectations. Then the idea of more in the future is exciting. If you want to be attractive, enjoy yourself.

 

4 hours ago, Eternal said:

I kind of get where you are coming from but at the same time surely you should try to work on improving your personality and how you present yourself to others in an authentic way. You make it sound like no personal development or improvement is involved in attracting women, maybe for a natural that is the case. 

Authenticity is only possible when you aren't afraid of the results of what you say, or worrying about what people think. Improving your personality only points to improving how you feel around people, being more relaxed, having more fun with them, enjoying them more. A lot of personal development or improvement in this area is simply going out and being around people until you are so used to it you get comfortable. In "practice makes perfect" a whole lot of thoughts about why we can't are dropped. But if this hasn't happened for you yet, notice the thoughts that are stopping you from relaxing. You are practicing these instead not the thing you are wanting to be doing. 

 

4 hours ago, Eternal said:

Or do you just try to love yourself and loving others will become effortless because you always feel good with being yourself? Can feel quite hard to compute as I most likely have trauma to deal with and seriously lack the capacity to love others. I want others to fulfill my selfish needs to fill this "void" which apparently does not exist. 

What you're missing is how direct it is. Rather than trying self love on this very moment, the only moment there is, you mention your trauma and lack of capacity. This is a thought focused on now, about yourself, that doesn't serve you, that doesn't feel good. 

 

A void cannot exist (as in stick out from the fabric of reality) and also not be full, the pupil of your eye is a dark black hole, a void, and yet that's where the light floods in. It's like the eye of a storm, the hole in a toilet bowl or whirlpool, the void is exactly what attracts everything to it. The awareness behind the void that is the pupil of your eye, is always attracting. The void is already the fullness of everything. You can't feel a void because the void is already feeling itself

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