Addiction Issues

[Orb]

My emotions are too intense for me to not be on drugs.

 

I keep on continuing the cycle by replacing one addiction with another, I can never just....be. 

 

Its all too much, man I shouldve listened to DARE when I was a kid, this drug stuff is fucking horrible, every morning my brain feels like a dried up sponge. 

 

Im not on meth/heroin/coke or any hard drug like that. 

 

Im using Kratom, Nicotine, Porn as drugs.

 

Porn is severely destructive to the brain its been proven! Just google the effects of it!

 

Now my Kratom is kicking in so im feeling better, life seems more manageable again, things dont seem so bad. 

 

Abraham Hicks said that addiction on a cellular level disappears in 3 days, is that really true?! 

 

That seems crazy, no way, tell that to all the heroin addicts who are hospitalized!

[Mandy]

34 minutes ago, Orb said:

My emotions are too intense for me to not be on drugs.

No, intense emotions are what you came here for. 

36 minutes ago, Orb said:

Porn is severely destructive to the brain its been proven! Just google the effects of it!

Beliefs. "I can't go to beach and see all those women in swimsuits. It's harmful and destructive." 

36 minutes ago, Orb said:

Abraham Hicks said that addiction on a cellular level disappears in 3 days, is that really true?! 

 

That seems crazy, no way, tell that to all the heroin addicts who are hospitalized!

Do you go three days without activating the thought of the substance, or the addiction itself? What this points to is detaching from the belief, and looking at the thought itself, one at a time as they come. Ask if this is really true or not, rather than immediately believing that "it's been proven" or believing what you google. I once had a funny looking mole and I googled it and NONE of what I read was the least bit helpful from my concerned point of view. All it did was spiral down. Information is not your friend when you're using it to doom yourself. Intention first before action, line up with it, use feeling as your indicator. 

 

 

[Orb]

@Mandy When I wake up and I can barely get outta bed, im feeling confused, and suicidal, its hard to do all of the inspection of beliefs and LoA stuff. 

 

Its one of those things where from the sober or high point of view it seems easy, but when youre actually feeling the withdrawals its like nothing else matters, how the hell are people able to persevere through this pain!?

 

 

[Mandy]

@Orb You wake up with the vibration you last had before you slept. Often it inexplicably rises on its own, sometimes it doesn't. What are you doing/thinking/focusing on before bed? 

 

First thing out of bed after brushing teeth, etc, before screens and other mind engaging stuff, 15 minutes meditation. 

 

You're turning this into a very broad story of addiction for "people". There might be a strong desire or intention there, but as it pertains to your suffering there's just the thought you are thinking now. 

[Orb]

1 minute ago, Mandy said:

@Orb You wake up with the vibration you last had before you slept. Often it inexplicably rises on its own, sometimes it doesn't. What are you doing/thinking/focusing on before bed? 

@Mandy Sexual fantasies, then getting depressed, feeling lonely, embarrassed for all the stupid things I did when I was younger, feeling left out of everything.

 

Also I cant really understand how someone can actually focus on something before bed, the only way I can sleep is if my thoughts are going all over the place, when I take deep breaths and relax I never fall asleep lol, I just stay in this wakeful meditative state. I need to be thinking all over the place to slowly drift into dream world. 

 

3 minutes ago, Mandy said:

First thing out of bed after brushing teeth, etc, before screens and other mind engaging stuff, 15 minutes meditation. 

 

Ive been meditating daily for 20 minutes for the past 3 days, although not every day was first  thing in the morning. I feel like im BS'ing myself when I meditate. 

 

Nothing happens when i meditate, I meditated this morning for 20 mins after my cardio workout and I just felt worse because how disappointed I was with it. 

 

I focus on sensation, the sense of I AM, that one comes naturally to me, focusing on the breath is so boring imo. 

 

I get in touch with that stillness and its great, its so obvious, and so mind boggling, im sick and tired of talking about awareness and stuff though!

 

6 minutes ago, Mandy said:

You're turning this into a very broad story of addiction for "people" there might be a strong desire or intention there, but as it pertains to your suffering there's just the thought you are thinking now. 

 

That just doesnt work for me. When my head is pulsating, when im tired and dont want to do anything, I cant just positively think myself to being productive. 

 

Ive actually tried this many times so I know, this is why its important for people to explain the boundary between bodily health and mental health. 

 

If physiologically your body is in pain and you wanna kill yourself bc of how miserable you are, you cant just think positively and then suddenly no more headaches, no more fatigue, etc. 

 

Its just triggering for me because ive been dealing with this for so long and im nearly broke because of it, and I keep hearing its because of my beliefs. 

 

Like if I could just repeat "everything is perfectly fine" and then id feel relief id do it, but it doesnt work. 

[Mandy]

@Orb So a sexual fantasy or any fantasy whatsoever can turn quickly into "why I can't have this". There's a big difference between this and daydreaming. If sexual fantasies seem to trigger feeling bad for you, make it intentional. Write smut. Dream up characters that are NOT you, and definitely NOT THAT GIRL FROM HIGHSCHOOL  or whatever. Tap into your authorship. Step outside the frustrated or lonely character. No more lazy sexual fantasies. If you're gonna do it, do it well. 

 

28 minutes ago, Orb said:

I need to be thinking all over the place to slowly drift into dream world. 

Again, get daydreamy and creative. Don't get personal. Any creative outlets you can employ are gonna be great. Before I go to bed often I'll see colors and patterns, no coincidence when I make art and spend my days looking at colors and patterns. 

28 minutes ago, Orb said:

Nothing happens when i meditate, I meditated this morning for 20 mins after my cardio workout and I just felt worse because how disappointed I was with it. 

What were you expecting from it? Disappointment is the bomb, it shows us and brings to light what we were expecting. Express disappointment, because you doubt meditation. Disappointment isn't worse than doubt, look at your scale, it's better but you ain't feeling it, you're still in DOUBT. You're just resisting it. 

 

Here's some disappointment expression inspiration for you. (Actually probably frustration expression, but still funny.)

28 minutes ago, Orb said:

That just doesnt work for me. When my head is pulsating, when im tired and dont want to do anything, I cant just positively think myself to being productive. 

Did anyone here tell you to do that?

28 minutes ago, Orb said:

If physiologically your body is in pain and you wanna kill yourself bc of how miserable you are, you cant just think positively and then suddenly no more headaches, no more fatigue, etc. 

There are plenty of severely disabled people with youtube channels who have a strong will to live and inspire others. So yes, there's a link, but also no there is not. We layer judgment of the situation over direct awareness of pain, the thought that says there is misery is the misery. When you know it's misery you miss the mystery. 

[Mandy]

29 minutes ago, Orb said:

Its just triggering for me because ive been dealing with this for so long and im nearly broke because of it, and I keep hearing its because of my beliefs. 

 

Like if I could just repeat "everything is perfectly fine" and then id feel relief id do it, but it doesnt work. 

I'm all for writing a bunch of ugly shit, writing out negative affirmations to see where the holes are in our thinking, or writing whatever the hell you want. Blaspheme all your idols and all those things you should and ought to do if it feels good. You're utterly free. Repeat "everything is shit". Sometimes you say everything is shit and it feels AWESOME. Other times it feels awful. It feels awful to believe, but sometimes when we say it the belief is broken. When we assert "EVERYTHING IS SHIT!" and we feel freedom, not shit, we have disproven it. Listen to feeling, not anyone else. Is this thought upstream of downstream in this moment? You're already free. 

[Mandy]

 

[Orb]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

@Orb So a sexual fantasy or any fantasy whatsoever can turn quickly into "why I can't have this". There's a big difference between this and daydreaming. If sexual fantasies seem to trigger feeling bad for you, make it intentional. Write smut. Dream up characters that are NOT you, and definitely NOT THAT GIRL FROM HIGHSCHOOL  or whatever. Tap into your authorship. Step outside the frustrated or lonely character. No more lazy sexual fantasies. If you're gonna do it, do it well. 

 

@Mandy I don't wanna cuckold myself, imagine different people having sex? No way. 

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

@Orb Again, get daydreamy and creative. Don't get personal. Any creative outlets you can employ are gonna be great. Before I go to bed often I'll see colors and patterns, no coincidence when I make art and spend my days looking at colors and patterns. 

What were you expecting from it? Disappointment is the bomb, it shows us and brings to light what we were expecting. Express disappointment, because you doubt meditation. Disappointment isn't worse than doubt, look at your scale, it's better but you ain't feeling it, you're still in DOUBT. You're just resisting it.

 

I can't do this stuff when I'm worried about going homeless. My mom is in extreme debt and is struggling to pay the rent each month, I'm expected to pay for groceries and my car and stuff. 

 

My savings are running dry, I've used my credit card too much, I don't have time to sit down and look at my emotions, I don't even know if any of this stuff works. 

 

It's easy to do all this stuff when you're not worried about going homeless or everything's taken care of. 

 

I have a lot of pressure to get into a career that'll make me enough money to feel secure. 

 

I don't care what anyone says, if you got 5 bucks in your bank account you're gonna feel insecure. When you're starving on the streets and you're cold the emotional scale / dreamboard are meaningless.

 

I need to get out of this situation I'm in now. I don't want to meditate for months and journal for months and use the emotional scale for months. I want something that works right now. 

 

I don't have time to do all these things. 

 

I'm worried enough about being completely broke and addicted to drugs, meditation is completely useless for all of this. 

 

This is why I'm giving up, all of these techniques take months to years to see the fruits of em, I need something that works now.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

I'm all for writing a bunch of ugly shit, writing out negative affirmations to see where the holes are in our thinking, or writing whatever the hell you want. Blaspheme all your idols and all those things you should and ought to do if it feels good. You're utterly free. Repeat "everything is shit". Sometimes you say everything is shit and it feels AWESOME. Other times it feels awful. It feels awful to believe, but sometimes when we say it the belief is broken. When we assert "EVERYTHING IS SHIT!" and we feel freedom, not shit, we have disproven it. Listen to feeling, not anyone else. Is this thought upstream of downstream in this moment? You're already free. 

I am not already free, not at all. Why don't I just quit my job and starve on the streets if I'm completely free then? 

 

Repeating that I'm free all day long doesn't change the fact that I have real life obligations and that I'm at risk of going completely broke. 

[Mandy]

42 minutes ago, Orb said:

 

@Mandy I don't wanna cuckold myself, imagine different people having sex? No way.

Cuckold? Why are you using this term? In this instance, especially? What is porn, but imagining people having sex, only using the least bit of imagination as physically possible? 

 

45 minutes ago, Orb said:

This is why I'm giving up, all of these techniques take months to years to see the fruits of em, I need something that works now.

You'll make a decision to "give it up" but won't express or give up the disappointment. You are disappointed in spirituality. You thought it would "work". 

[Orb]

11 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Cuckold? Why are you using this term? In this instance, especially? What is porn, but imagining people having sex, only using the least bit of imagination as physically possible? 

@Mandy that's the thing, I'm tired of seeing other people enjoying the fruits of life. I want to enjoy them too.

 

11 minutes ago, Mandy said:

You'll make a decision to "give it up" but won't express or give up the disappointment. You are disappointed in spirituality. You thought it would "work". 

 

I don't want to, it's too painful, I'm in a corner here. 

 

The emotional scale doesn't make any sense anymore, my emotions aren't some linear thing that go according to plan.

Edited July 5, 2022 by Orb

[Orb]

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

 

@Mandy Basically my whole day today lol.

[fopylo]

Hey man, as you maybe know, I've been vaping (and smoking) for like 7-8 months.

It could be that genetics can play a role in how much your brain craves the substance, however I can tell you for sure that doing daily exercise has greatly reduced my need for vape. I'm talking about exercise everyday, being active in some way that increases dopamine - key point, that it is enjoyable.

It takes effort afterwards to try and force myself to vape even when I don't feel like it (so I just confirm it for some reason by taking like 4 hits and leaving it). Maybe in your state you crave it more than me and maybe less than 10 hits could seem little. But I can for sure say it reduced the need for it, and I believe it can help you too. Perhaps a cold shower in the morning might help. And perhaps even more is not to take it as a recepee for overcoming, pushing through the addiction. Hone your desire for the substances. I think honing is a good word - appreciating and building on top of it - moving into the territory of things you enjoy doing (exercise is great), and the thought of craving, addiction, nicotine don't even arise as you are already beyond content when enjoying, when actively doing something you like

[Orb]

Im feeling better, I really freaked out earlier, thanks guys for holding me back.

 

@fopylo Good advice, ive actually started daily exercise each morning. Did it last week and now im still doing it this week. 

 

I also make sure now to start my day off completely sober and stay that way for at least 3 hours before having coffee/nic/weed/etc.

 

Im considering something similar to what you advised, maybe setting a rule to only vape after a certain time. 

[fopylo]

@Orb

1 hour ago, Orb said:

Good advice, ive actually started daily exercise each morning. Did it last week and now im still doing it this week.

The cool thing about doing daily exercise is that eventually you feel like you must move your body, be active in some physical way to let that energy out, like a real need. Exercise will become an addiction in itself, but the good inspiring kind.

1 hour ago, Orb said:

Im considering something similar to what you advised, maybe setting a rule to only vape after a certain time.

Not really a rule with me, but just like... feels like shit to vape in the morning... It's like waking up in the morning and first thing you do is eat pizza, like nah.. but this is for me personally, just emphasizing that it's more of a feeling thing than a rule thing.