I'm running out of patience.

[MazE]

I just can't anymore. I mean i can but my apathy grows every day. I am becoming numb. 

It's not my desire to bring my baggage in here or in any community. But i'm fucking tired. I'm very angry and very apathetic at the same time. It's like i am receiving an uppercut every single day and all i can ever do is to be patient and push through. It's unfair. Actually i am proud of how good i managed to stay sane and well relatively to what i went through.

I am in a cage. I try to escape only to find another cage. I don't accept this. 10 years of my life in the 🗑️ just because i was born poor. It's not that i didn't do my best. I accomplished stuff. A good paycheck is what i accomplished. The cost is my life. Believe me i can become rich. But of course i have a 1000 obstacles in front of me. 

For 1-2 years i need to stay concentrated while receiving uppercuts, learn and work on stuff, stay healthy, do stuff that are emotionally difficult and balance many things. I have family to worry about. Not my own family lol. 2022. If i was born 20 years earlier i would probably have this.

People don't understand how good they have it. They have no idea what i went through. At the same time this is true for me too if i compare it with much worse situations. 

Honestly i don't know why i wrote this here. All i ever do is man up and be patient. For how long will i be able to continue doing this? 

I will either do what it takes which will be extremely difficult or i will accept the fate of a work slave. 

Better thoughts and living in the now are good. I understand. My reality is that i work to exhaustion every day. That i don't have a social life. That everyone around me is depressed. That i hate governments and how much they control my freedom.

How can i stay focused in my vision with all that going on?

[Faith]

You don't seem the least bit happy. Can I ask what you do for work? If the cost is your life, as you say, then that's too high. 

 

One of the most challenging things in my life has been my careers in nursing. I've had a career rip me apart in the past. It's not worth it. I had one almost do that again last year and I eventually walked away from it. If you can't change the situation, but also can't accept it, then walking away is the sane thing to do.

 

 

 

[MazE]

@Faith

1 hour ago, Faith said:

You don't seem the least bit happy.

 

It's not like that. I'm a factory worker. My job is very demanding and a few people can actually do something like this. I earn good money i can't complain. I do this just to be able to walk away as you said. I went through so much already that nothing can really affect me. I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm impatient. I have a plan. 

I need to walk my plan for 2 years and then i will be free at least financially.

I need to deal with a lot of bureaucracy. I will change country. I need to leave my family here and have enough money to support them as i take my shot. 

I need to have a productive routine for the next year or 2 no matter how tired i am or how difficult it is.

It's not that I don't know what i need to do. What i need to do involves a lot of emotionaly uncomfortable actions i need to take. Even if i am dead tired from my job i need to take them. How do i stay focused on my goal? 

If i don't take action things will just remain the same and this certainly isn't a life that i want to continue living for 40 more years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Faith]

@MazE oh, I see.

 

My husband has been a factory worker for many yrs...hmm, about 34. He's a cold header operator and makes bolts. He wakes up at 4am and works 11 hours a day Mon-Fri and 5 hours on Saturdays sometimes too. So, thats 55-60 hours a week. There's no air conditioning, so, today it was over 95 degrees in the factory. 

 

Yeah, I don't know how he does it. I couldn't work like that. 

 

It's definitely not for everyone. It's hard work and the hours can be grueling. 

[MazE]

@Faith i have far better conditions but it's not really easier. This sucks. I can't accept this kind of living and i also can't understand the people that do accept it. 

This kind of jobs can give you security but as i found out security doesn't really exist. I don't want it either. I wasn't born to spend more than half of my life in factories. I am not negotiating this. Am i supposed to feel lucky? I am just a number. 

I can understand it. If you have a family and need to earn money you stay there. Your husband does what he must and this is respectable. I wouldn't last 2 years with 60h workweeks. This is just too much.

People are there for 35 years and i'm like how. I would go crazy and many of them already are. 

This post wasn't about complaining though. Everything is fine. I just need to get serious and work on other things on the side but i keep procrastinating. I start and then i stop. Tiredness is an excuse but i'm tired of excuses. 

 

Edited June 16, 2022 by MazE

[Faith]

5 hours ago, MazE said:

I am not negotiating this. Am i supposed to feel lucky? I am just a number. 

 

My point was that there are types (I'm not one of them) that can work those kinds jobs and are reasonably happy doing it. If you aren't one of them, then find other work or accept it as though you choose it. It will help with the resistance you feel. 

 

[MazE]

@Faith i did choose it but only as a means to do something else. No i don't fall into that category. I want to enjoy life. This is not enjoying life. This is a road to grind till i'm dead with no energy to do and experience the things i want.

[Mandy]

Not to compare life situations but the beginning of when "my path" really started getting interesting was when I finally got what I wanted, I had the family I wanted and I was having a really hard time adjusting as a parent. Here I was with everything I wanted, feeling like it wasn't my life anymore, feeling like a prisoner, like I couldn't work or create anything I wanted to anymore, losing my social circle and friends, not getting enough sleep and always being tired, mourning the loss of my freedom, feeling prisoner to these little beings, resenting my husband that he wasn't as affected by this as I was. It got to the point that he would stay late in the office just to avoid coming home to an even more exhausted, resentful wife (because he was so late) and screaming kids. I felt like I couldn't talk about this with anyone, because I needed to show up and put on a happy face. When you admit how you're feeling as a parent people often blame you for it. "These are YOUR kids, YOU chose to have them, this is what you WANT. " Well no, wanting something is the very fulfillment and enjoyment of it, not whether it's there in front of you or not. If you practice thoughts of lack you feel lack, even when you get what you want. What we do want is the journey. 

 

Prepare yourself now to get what you want, and to be able to appreciate it and recognize it when it comes. 

 

Stop blaming or shaming yourself for feeling the way you do. Screw that. Express how you feel unapologetically. You are worthy of writing everything that you have thus far written here. 

 

I'll also say that "The Power of Now" and the realization of the wisdom shared in that book seemed to be pivotal for me at that "time"( 😆). The most unacceptable of moments is completely transformed in the light of the "now" that knows no separate moments. I kept tapping into that just whenever I could and even though it wasn't an action, everything transformed in more fulfilling ways than I could have ever expected. It didn't even seem like I was "doing it" that often, or doing anything at all, but when I really started suffering, I'd just really LOOK at what was in front of me, and then the actuality of the dirty diaper at 2AM and the intelligent action involved in changing it didn't have anything to do with the thoughts about the dirty diaper and my thought role as sleep deprived prisoner/mom. 

[Phil]

@MazE

There is suffering and it is of the framing, the approach, A learned way of thinking about life and what you want, the whole me and my vision and goals.  You’re not apathetic, you just basically bought into discordant paradigm. It can all change. How you feel. What you do for a living. What life even is. It can all change.  It already is changing.  
 

This isn’t bringing your baggage into a community by the way, this is exactly what this place is for.

[MazE]

@Mandy thank you. You are amazing.

I want to have people like you in my life. Never found one. Everyone around me is just damaged. I'm tired of people. The only option i guess is to be what i want to see in others.

[MazE]

@Phil you are right. The only reason i have this approach is because i need results and i believe that it can help with that. Maybe this isn't true but i'm still not sure.

[Phil]

@MazE

That there is suffering is the key. That approach is the approach of ignoring the discord and suppressing emotions. It’s listening to someone even though it’s discordant at the expense of suppressing and denying the guidance of your infinite self. That approach can work, with isolation and a short term suppression of conscience and karma, for the one offering it. It does not work for the one receiving it. 
 

Its all through the lens of the separate self. The ego. Which there isn’t, which is what suffering is and why it feels so discordant and doesn’t actually create the desired change. Indeed it leaves one needing results.
 

There is quite an experiential difference between thought attachment, suffering, and an I which needs results… and an infinite being which is being focus and preferences. In alignment, one is receiving what one is wanting. One has always been receiving the guidance of emotion directly.

 

Patience is not some thing we have which we could run out of. 

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, MazE said:

@Mandy thank you. You are amazing.

I want to have people like you in my life. Never found one. Everyone around me is just damaged. I'm tired of people. The only option i guess is to be what i want to see in others.

Thanks, you already do or you wouldn't be here. It helps to no longer see people as positive/negative, conservative/liberal, successful/unsuccessful, lucky/unlucky, spiritual/unspiritual but to see them in the moment as either (to use Abraham Hick's term) in the Vortex (or the flow of life, Being, Loving) or not. Someone is either tuned in to who they really are and focused upon the essence of what they want in the moment or not. When I'm NOT in the Vortex I journal, or meditate, or go to bed, or go for a walk, or listen to music, or whatever I feel like doing. I don't believe that the way I'm seeing life then is how it actually is and I don't try to fix it from that emotional place. I don't even go so far as to believe that I need to be in the Vortex to fix how I feel.  Instead I focus on improving the emotion itself by going straight to feeling, I don't focus on the circumstances I believe to be the cause of it. So, to point out the irony here, you cannot be disconnected from yourSelf, AND also see happy in the Vortex people. So yes, exactly, BE what you want to see in others, and SEE, look for, focus upon, what you want to see in others. There's nothing so beautiful or striking as catching the moment of seeing some perpetually miserable asshole smile at a child's laughter. When that happens it is particularly magical. It's like the first flower after a long winter. And you attract the witnessing of it. So if you're around nothing but miserable assholes, look for the first flower. None of us are ever fully immune to or blind to the goodness that we are. Love the way you want to be loved. 

[MazE]

23 hours ago, Mandy said:

 Prepare yourself now to get what you want, and to be able to appreciate it and recognize it when it comes. 

How do i do that?

 

23 hours ago, Mandy said:

 I'd just really LOOK at what was in front of me, and then the actuality of the dirty diaper at 2AM and the intelligent action involved in changing it didn't have anything to do with the thoughts about the dirty diaper and my thought role as sleep deprived prisoner/mom. 

I know exactly what you mean. This is how i survived the most stressful period of my life so far. I was completely focused in the now while working. On every movement and sensation. This is how i stayed sane.

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

@MazEIn alignment, one is receiving what one is wanting. One has always been receiving the guidance of emotion directly.

How do i get aligned?

20 hours ago, Phil said:

@MazE

Patience is not some thing we have which we could run out of. 

By patience i also mean that i am physically exhausted. I do what i can to improve it but this is how this job is and i have to work with that. It was much easier to be aligned when i didn't have this job but now i have it because i chose to. 

 

20 hours ago, Mandy said:

There's nothing so beautiful or striking as catching the moment of seeing some perpetually miserable asshole smile at a child's laughter. When that happens it is particularly magical. It's like the first flower after a long winter. And you attract the witnessing of it. So if you're around nothing but miserable assholes, look for the first flower. None of us are ever fully immune to or blind to the goodness that we are. Love the way you want to be loved. 

I smiled at this. That's a great approach.

 

Honestly i appreciate you people.

It's not so much the things you say but how you say it. It's healing and refreshing to not sense any hidden attacks or defensiveness or ego bs. 

And what i just said is my own ego bs.

The main cause of not being so aligned is physical exhaustion. Leaving my job is not an option. I actually had the option to do a very easy job but i chose to stay where i am because the money i earn is needed to go where i want to be. 

 

I smoke too much. I drink too much coffee. My sleeping schedule must change every week and i often can't sleep. Now i work at night. I don't eat very healthy. I don't sit down to learn the things i want neither i have energy for my hobbies. I am always trying to improve on all these areas. I start but then i am too tired to continue doing the right things and i'm on this loop. How do i stop this loop other than quitting this job? Because as i said this is not an option. Hell i'm earning good but everything is more expensive now and that which i earn is not what it used to be. Money goes away fast.

Edited June 17, 2022 by MazE

[Phil]

6 hours ago, MazE said:

How do i get aligned?

Put how you feel first, well ahead of any thoughts believed or focused on. That’s secondary to feeling.

 https://www.actualityofbeing.com/aligning-thought-with-feeling

6 hours ago, MazE said:

By patience i also mean that i am physically exhausted. I do what i can to improve it but this is how this job is and i have to work with that. It was much easier to be aligned when i didn't have this job but now i have it because i chose to. 

With respect to alignment, impatience is an emotion which is guidance about thoughts / beliefs / interpretations. There can be physical tiredness and alignment simultaneously, and the way is using the emotional scale. Using the scale is the opposite of apathy, or, not discerning what emotions are felt. The discord of that is exhausting more along the lines of suffering in the mental and physical anguish sense. There can be tiredness, and no suffering or anguish, and the attracting of what you are wanting. Being bodily tired from working hard and giving your best can feel very aligned… still tired, but aligned. This has a lot to do with aligning thoughts about where you’re headed. Also, and so to speak, the difference between tiredness from long days filled with spirit / alignment vs not is kind of night & day. 

 

Using the scale is about a lot of things, it’s a bottomless treasure trove of insights, alignment and revelations. One aspect is appreciation for how effective & powerful subtle thought alignment is. The difference in how life is experienced, and what unfolds, from a change like from my apathy, I’m apathetic, I’m angry… to the emotion I’m experiencing is anger, is HUGE. It’s like what you want is a plum tree, and you didn’t notice you were planting apple tree seeds. Trying to “fix the apple tree” doesn’t result in growing the plum tree, (what you want). It’s common, before using the scale, for there to be thoughts about “what a big change it is”, how “I gotta learn this whole big thingy”, etc. But what’s found is much more like, “well damn, this is like, exactly what I really wanted in the first place”, and before you know it, you’re eating the plums. 

 

On 6/15/2022 at 8:20 PM, MazE said:

That i hate governments and how much they control my freedom.

How can i stay focused in my vision with all that going on?

Admittedly a bold, but hopefully clear way of saying this… it’s great to vent, it very much has it’s usefulness… emptying. It’s a necessary part, hence the layout of the emotional scale and why it works so well. It’s not so great to dwell, to loath, day after day. The difference is inspecting a belief, and aligning a better feeling thought. Feel the difference between I hate and, I’m experiencing the emotion, hate. The difference is identifying and recognizing it’s not identity, it’s experience. You don’t hate, and when you believe that thought about yourself, it sucks the life, energy and joy out of ya. When it’s willingly recognized that’s just a thought - now there’s room to change it. How not true is that thought? Using the simplicity of appreciation, because I’m putting how I feel, first - before any thoughts I believe… 

 

What freedom I experience right now, this moment, is possible because of every police officer in this town, and every police officer in this county, state and country. The freedom experienced right now is compliments of every judge, bailiff & every other court worker, and every person who has ever worked in the army, navy, coast guard, Air Force and marines. The freedom experienced right now makes it so easy to appreciate every single government employee who has ever worked for the government. The freedom experienced right now is compliments of every doctor, nurse, emt, receptionist and the countless other hospital specialists which are the foundation, which keep all the government workers going. This freedom is thanks to every person who drives a city bus, an ambulance, every mechanic employed by the government who fixes and maintains every bus, which is the foundation that keeps it all going, which makes this freedom possible. I appreciate “the government”, and I appreciate seeing how exhausting discord can be, and the suffering of the moment of it. I appreciate how alignment instead feels. I appreciate how downright practical & life changing the ever-available magic of  appreciation is. 

 

How could I stay focused in my vision with all that going on? Well that’s now a silly (🤞🏻) question on two key points. One, I am not in a my vision. A vision isn’t even mine. It’s not a thing I have. There’s no separate self with a separate thing, a my vision which I’m in. And second, it’s a silly question because it would actually be extremely difficult for what I am wanting not to be unfolding already, right now, while I’m up to my ears here in this appreciation. For real. It’s as if the whole body and mind are soaking in it and saturated by and inseparable of the momentum. Just being is very much a tangible, visceral, satisfying pleasure. 

 

 

 

[MazE]

@Phil i don't have words man. Thank you for taking the time to explain all this.

22 hours ago, Phil said:

There can be tiredness, and no suffering or anguish, and the attracting of what you are wanting. Being bodily tired from working hard and giving your best can feel very aligned… still tired, but aligned. This has a lot to do with aligning thoughts about where you’re headed. Also, and so to speak, the difference between tiredness from long days filled with spirit / alignment vs not is kind of night & day. 

This sounds very true. Exactly what i needed to hear.

22 hours ago, Phil said:

Admittedly a bold, but hopefully clear way of saying this… it’s great to vent, it very much has it’s usefulness… emptying. It’s a necessary part, hence the layout of the emotional scale and why it works so well. It’s not so great to dwell, to loath, day after day. The difference is inspecting a belief, and aligning a better feeling thought. Feel the difference between I hate and, I’m experiencing the emotion, hate. The difference is identifying and recognizing it’s not identity, it’s experience. You don’t hate, and when you believe that thought about yourself, it sucks the life, energy and joy out of ya. When it’s willingly recognized that’s just a thought - now there’s room to change it. How not true is that thought? Using the simplicity of appreciation, because I’m putting how I feel, first - before any thoughts I believe… 

 

What freedom I experience right now, this moment, is possible because of every police officer in this town, and every police officer in this county, state and country. The freedom experienced right now is compliments of every judge, bailiff & every other court worker, and every person who has ever worked in the army, navy, coast guard, Air Force and marines. The freedom experienced right now makes it so easy to appreciate every single government employee who has ever worked for the government. The freedom experienced right now is compliments of every doctor, nurse, emt, receptionist and the countless other hospital specialists which are the foundation, which keep all the government workers going. This freedom is thanks to every person who drives a city bus, an ambulance, every mechanic employed by the government who fixes and maintains every bus, which is the foundation that keeps it all going, which makes this freedom possible. I appreciate “the government”, and I appreciate seeing how exhausting discord can be, and the suffering of the moment of it. I appreciate how alignment instead feels. I appreciate how downright practical & life changing the ever-available magic of  appreciation is. 

 

How could I stay focused in my vision with all that going on? Well that’s now a silly (🤞🏻) question on two key points. One, I am not in a my vision. A vision isn’t even mine. It’s not a thing I have. There’s no separate self with a separate thing, a my vision which I’m in. And second, it’s a silly question because it would actually be extremely difficult for what I am wanting not to be unfolding already, right now, while I’m up to my ears here in this appreciation. For real. It’s as if the whole body and mind are soaking in it and saturated by and inseparable of the momentum. Just being is very much a tangible, visceral, satisfying pleasure. 

When i read the appreciation of the government part i immediately felt disagreement and defensiveness. I think that i do get the point though. It's not that there are no things to appreciate. I tend to focus on what's not right. The corruption, the inequality and unfairness, the stupid laws and especially the things that put a brake to my freedom to act as i want to. Things that in other countries are common sense. If i was in the usa i would focus on how stupid it is for the government to just let you die if you don't have insurance or that in many places everyone has a gun and school shootings is an everyday thing. As a European these stuff sound crazy to me. 

I believe your point was to focus on what i do appreciate. The emotion that comes up is this anger. I could focus more on what i do appreciate. I do appreciate that not everybody carries a gun and that the government doesn't let me die. Ok i immediately felt better but i also feel this anger for the americans that actually experience these things. Or that in saudi arabia gay people get a death sentence. I can't help it but focus on what is not right. It seems that it is a bad habit.

 

I've discovered a kind of cheat many years ago as i was reading the science of getting rich. Practicing gratitude as often as possible. I did it in the past. It felt amazing. I was up to my ears all the time. 

Also reading just a bit of Eckhart Tolle is extremely effective to just be. I just don't do it. I've connected it somehow to traumatic experiences that got me out of that place and i need to break this subconscious connection. I'm in a way afraid to completely just be. I have the memory of the experience and it's not something that i can forget.

So those are the 2 steps that i know will work.

What's left is the vision stuff. I have all the right actions mapped out for everything. How do i walk that vision? You said that it's unfolding already. Well not really or not as fast as i want it. How do i become one with that vision of what i want? Is it visualization? A dreamboard is not the answer that will help.

I do have one just in the form of an app in my phone. I look at it everyday.

 

Edited June 18, 2022 by MazE

[Mandy]

On 6/17/2022 at 2:32 AM, MazE said:

How do i do that?

By forgetting the distance between what you want and what is right in front of you. Look for the things in front of you to appreciate. Really see what is directly in front of you rather than thinking that you know what it is. Take a deep or conscious breathe and feel the pleasure and relaxation in it. That pleasure/relaxation is not a result OF taking a deep breath but is tuned into as a result of. It is always there. In the same way visually, things are always perfectly beautiful in a way beyond what we think beauty is when directly seen. 

 

From light at the end of the tunnel, to you ARE the light in the tunnel. 

On 6/17/2022 at 2:32 AM, MazE said:

I smoke too much. I drink too much coffee. My sleeping schedule must change every week and i often can't sleep. Now i work at night. I don't eat very healthy. I don't sit down to learn the things i want neither i have energy for my hobbies. I am always trying to improve on all these areas. I start but then i am too tired to continue doing the right things and i'm on this loop. How do i stop this loop other than quitting this job? Because as i said this is not an option. Hell i'm earning good but everything is more expensive now and that which i earn is not what it used to be. Money goes away fast.

When we are feeling great, then it helps to get specific about things. When we know what we don't want, it helps define what we do want. When you aren't feeling good, don't get specific about why that is, because the focus is on unwanted not wanted. Right now you're looking at a trajectory as if it IS a certain way, you're affirming this to yourself. You can either, switch to what you do want, or you can get more general about it by dropping the thoughts that are discordant and recognizing the general desire now for wellbeing. Worrying about our health in unhealthy. Your desire for wellbeing and positive change is not forgotten if you drop the worry, in fact it's already taken care of.  

 

Everything is working so well together in a way that is almost conspiracy like. I got worried this winter when I read a consumer repost about arsenic in rice. I had been consuming a ton of rice daily as a staple. I started to get worried, and realized that I wanted to change my diet. So my eyes went right to the bookshelf 10 feet away from me, where I had a book I had bought and forgotten about. I did the cleanse in that book and ended up healing and addressing a bunch of other issues I wasn't even thinking about when I was worried about arsenic in rice. The solution is more powerful than the problem, but we have to let the solution in by letting go of the worry and the perceived problem. 

 

My dad has been sick, no energy, bad depression, won't get out of bed, won't see anyone, refuses to seek medical attention. My dad loves my dog, and plays with him almost everyday. Yesterday I was feeling worried/upset/powerless about my dad and whenever I thought about how my dog doesn't get to see him anymore I felt particularly awful. I recognized this as a message, that the discord was disagreement with my Source. About 45 minutes later my kids accidently let my dog in my parent's house and my dog immediately soundlessly and swiftly without my noticing somehow managed to fit himself through an old cat door (the cat died 7 years ago) into my dad's bedroom. This ended up cheering  my dad up and now he wants to see my dog again. 

 

The book is already on the shelf. The cat door is already in place. There is already a way, and you are already that, you are the light in the tunnel. 

[Phil]

 

6 hours ago, MazE said:

This sounds very true. Exactly what i needed to hear.

Then let’s extract more of that… 

6 hours ago, MazE said:

When i read the appreciation of the government part i immediately felt disagreement and defensiveness. I think that i do get the point though. It's not that there are no things to appreciate. I tend to focus on what's not right. The corruption, the inequality and unfairness, the stupid laws and especially the things that put a brake to my freedom to act as i want to. Things that in other countries are common sense. If i was in the usa i would focus on how stupid it is for the government to just let you die if you don't have insurance or that in many places everyone has a gun and school shootings is an everyday thing. As a European these stuff sound crazy to me. 

Many in the government also experience much disagreement and defensiveness… as the very order of every day is to convey how the “other” party is wrong, in an effort to be perceived as right. Much is attached to this ‘being perceived as right’.  Many are excluded in the name of upholding this facade. The denial of this is the projection of corruption, and thus of inequality, unfairness & ‘stupid’.

 

Only via denial can it seem that corruption, in-equanimity, lack of unity and ignorance lie outside the finite mind. Generationally speaking, it is so sorely missed the finite mind reproduces the finite mind, as the sphere of the lens, and thus we most unfortunately, so painfully far beyond words, see the natural rebellion of silence believing silence can be silenced, love believing love can be stifled & suppressed, intelligence believing intelligence is “mine” and is not already abundant & ever-present, as bombings, school shootings, etc.

 

Only in identifying as the finite mind, can it seem that corruption lies outside of, the finite mind, and thus there must be protections in place, for the finite mind. This is what is defended, and the defense is how this is perpetuated in… as creation. This belief of this “identity”, this “self” which is separate of “other selves”, while direct experience remains this is not the case as in what is actual. The ‘case’, is thought attachment. The believing of these thoughts which suppress, the actual ‘bigger than all of us’, guidance. The unspeakable indigestible harm seen, is no more than the discord initially felt, between thought & feeling. First there was the ignore-ance of the guidance. Then that is witnessed ‘in’ perception, as creation. 

 

This is crazy, but more so - this is how crazy it is to put how “I” am perceived above how I feel, above feeling - the very guidance. This isn’t actually per se crazy, it’s putting being perceived as most sane, most righteous, above the recognition “I” am never actually perceived. Only thought ‘makes it seem so’.  What is a finite mind born as bondage really expected to do? Suffer? Nature seems to be saying, ‘you’re free’, but also, ‘no… suffering is not indicative of the true nature’, while man ‘pushes through’, employing ‘mentality’, ‘being a man’, ‘manning up’, etc. 

6 hours ago, MazE said:

I believe your point was to focus on what i do appreciate. The emotion that comes up is this anger. I could focus more on what i do appreciate. I do appreciate that not everybody carries a gun and that the government doesn't let me die. Ok i immediately felt better but i also feel this anger for the americans that actually experience these things. Or that in saudi arabia gay people get a death sentence. I can't help it but focus on what is not right. It seems that it is a bad habit.

‘Bad’ habit is self judgement. ‘Not right’ and ‘bad’ doesn’t actually exist. These thoughts appear, and disappear, and as such are fleeting experience. The discord is felt. The discord is because You exist. You are what existence is, and you are Good, pure Goodness. Pure unthinkable, unimaginable, unbelievable - Godness. You are the infinite Good which appears as finite thoughts like ‘that there is good and bad’. 

 

If I was, so to speak, born into such a bondage, and by all measures of experience I was - I’d be pretty fucking angry too. I could join in, ‘I’ could harm ‘myself’, ‘I’ could harm ‘others’. ‘I’ could have tuned out. But ‘I’ didn’t. I tuned in, and outwardly arose a will to allow experience to be, to allow an emotion, of anger to be, and therein to allow compassion. (As compared to identifying… or,  ‘I am angry’). 

6 hours ago, MazE said:

 

I've discovered a kind of cheat many years ago as i was reading the science of getting rich. Practicing gratitude as often as possible. I did it in the past. It felt amazing. I was up to my ears all the time. 

Also reading just a bit of Eckhart Tolle is extremely effective to just be. I just don't do it. I've connected it somehow to traumatic experiences that got me out of that place and i need to break this subconscious connection. I'm in a way afraid to completely just be. I have the memory of the experience and it's not something that i can forget.

Truly, also far beyond words can convey, I am am sorry for that, as I trust you are for the injustices experienced here as well. 

The feeling isn’t a cheat though, it’s very literally what makes all things possible. 

You are fucking awesome, you are awesomeness, and thus some thoughts just don’t feel aligned. 

Whenever allowed, without fail, without exception, ‘that’ feeling will ‘take the garbage out for you’. 

6 hours ago, MazE said:

So those are the 2 steps that i know will work.

What's left is the vision stuff. I have all the right actions mapped out for everything. How do i walk that vision? You said that it's unfolding already. Well not really or not as fast as i want it. How do i become one with that vision of what i want? Is it visualization? A dreamboard is not the answer that will help.

I do have one just in the form of an app in my phone. I look at it everyday.

 

A dreamboard is the answer. Get the fuck out of your way. 🙂

 

 

What is the energy outlet?  

(For this clown is an elliptical and a bow flex.) 

 

What is the expressive outlet?

(Here it’s singing & playing guitar.)

 

What about that guy (you)? 

Is the importance of this recognized?

 

And some of all this money being made is being spent on well being, yes?

[MazE]

17 hours ago, Phil said:

What is the energy outlet?  

(For this clown is an elliptical and a bow flex.) 

 

What is the expressive outlet?

(Here it’s singing & playing guitar.)

 

What about that guy (you)? 

Is the importance of this recognized?

 

And some of all this money being made is being spent on well being, yes?

My energy outlet is coffee, cigarettes and beer. 

I do have an expressive outlet.

What about that guy me? I didn't understand what you mean there.

None of this money is spent on well being. I may buy something i want here or there but i don't want anything else than getting away from here. I don't even want to go on vacations even if i need it. Fucking obstacles there too! There is no point i will get back here after a week or two and this loop will continue and become even more painfully aware of what i don't have. I don't have a drive to do anything this is what i mean by numbness. I do stuff but half heartetly. Your answers are great but i don't know how to get unstuck. I may have 15 years of bottled up anger. I have a big collection of traumas and is constantly sucking half of my joy in the background like startup apps on a pc are sucking ram. I do know that it can dropped just like that. If i know that i can drop it and also know how to do it then why don't i? It's very challenging while being so tired and also it seems that i avoid facing the emotions head on. 

[MazE]

I decided to read these books again. That is the solution. I've had enough once again.