I'm running out of patience.

[Phil]

4 hours ago, MazE said:

My energy outlet is coffee, cigarettes and beer. 

I do have an expressive outlet.

When conditioning is willingly looked at, there is already some relief, and suppressive means vs expressive means, such as exercise are realized. Soon, the truth of energy filling you up when you empty, energetically & emotionally, is realized, as in via direct experience what is real is ‘known’ for the first time. In what is real, all things are possible. There is more satisfaction in a single aligned step then any pessimism could ever comprehend or imagine. 

4 hours ago, MazE said:

What about that guy me? I didn't understand what you mean there.

Guy’s like a dog. If you’re not takin care of guy, who is? 

You wouldn’t feed a dog coffee, cigarettes and beer. 

Why?

Because of your true nature. 

4 hours ago, MazE said:

None of this money is spent on well being. I may buy something i want here or there but i don't want anything else than getting away from here. I don't even want to go on vacations even if i need it. Fucking obstacles there too! There is no point i will get back here after a week or two and this loop will continue and become even more painfully aware of what i don't have. I don't have a drive to do anything this is what i mean by numbness. I do stuff but half heartetly. Your answers are great but i don't know how to get unstuck. I may have 15 years of bottled up anger. I have a big collection of traumas and is constantly sucking half of my joy in the background like startup apps on a pc are sucking ram. I do know that it can dropped just like that.. 

Lot of focus on what you yourself don’t even want. 

You can’t get unstuck because you aren’t stuck. 

That’s more of (a thought, perspective) what you yourself don’t even like, want or care for. 

Start caring. Simply because that is what you want. 

Take one small step today. Feel the power of doing so. 

That step might be pointing to ‘fifteen years of bottled up anger’, noticing that isn’t possible, and using the emotional scale. 

4 hours ago, MazE said:

If i know that i can drop it and also know how to do it then why don't i? It's very challenging while being so tired and also it seems that i avoid facing the emotions head on. 

There’s no dreamboard and therefore no sincere genuine expression yet, and therefore clarity on what you do want. 

Very literally, that there is an “I which don’t” is just a thought. There is no such thing as a self which can’t. There is literally, absolutely - no such thing as an “I which avoids facing emotions”. There is also no “I or self which faces emotions head on”.  There is an emotional scale, which helps with clarity & understanding of what’s been felt so to speak, your entire life. 

[Phil]

23 hours ago, Phil said:

For this clown is an elliptical and a bow flex.

And a heavy bag and a speed bag. Forgot to mention those. Important pieces of the puzzle in hindsight. Way less repercussions than someone’s face. God was so cheap and dumb back then. 

[MazE]

@Phil thank you. I will be taking some steps. I prefer to be blissfully tired than frustrated tired.

[MazE]

On 6/19/2022 at 4:46 PM, Phil said:

Guy’s like a dog. If you’re not takin care of guy, who is? 

You wouldn’t feed a dog coffee, cigarettes and beer. 

Why?

Because of your true nature. 

 

How do i stop doing that? Because seriously i can't stop abusing that dog.

[Phil]

@MazE

Well, if I might, first acknowledge you’re being a stubborn ornery son of a bitch. You’re being very hard on yourself. 

Begin to see that you don’t have to. All your ‘stuff’ is still gonna get done. It’s ok. 

Then do something, which at first you’re gonna think “I don’t do stuff like that”. 

Yeah, ya do. You haven’t been, and here we are. But you do. It’s the paradox of identity. Schedule a massage. There’ll probably be thoughts about how that just isn’t something you do. Other guys do that stuff. That’s the stubbornness. You have tension & stress. That’s what a massage is for. Go get one and then see how you feel. Who cares about identity, or ‘sticking to your guns’ about how you’re this or that. 

2 hours ago, MazE said:

How do i stop doing that? Because seriously i can't stop abusing that dog.

The way you’re thinking of this has to be allowed to change. You don’t have to change it per se… you don’t have to ‘do’ something, as in ‘stop’…. just relax, and allow it to change. Like with a massage… don’t start thinking about if you’ll like it, if you’ll be comfortable, what people will think of you etc…. Take the smallest possible step, and that way you can remain more present. Just, schedule it. And that is all. Put it on your phone calendar with a reminder, and forget it. 

 

I have a gut feeling you’re experiencing a ‘pact’ of some sort, which you feel proud to be bound to, but which isn’t actually panning out in a healthy or happy way. That might have been with someone else, or ‘with yourself’,. Like, somehow you made pact that you were going to ‘be this way’ no matter what happens… as if being any other way is ‘selling out’. 

[MazE]

@Phil 

You are very right. I never noticed it but i believe you are on point. It seems that i have this pact going on. Thank you that was eye opening. I'm going to stop talking now. Thank you very much for your time and insights. Hopefully it will click.

Edited June 21, 2022 by MazE

[MazE]

It turns out that i was just too tired and when i'm so tired i fall into this bad emotions spiral. Small actions. Everything's fine. One day i'm feeling so bad and the other day so good.

[Phil]

@MazE

 

Here’s some thoughts.  Just read slow, feel the difference in feeling. It might not all feel true as in matches ‘where you’re at’. Let that be ok too. Just focusing on such / similar thoughts is changing how you feel, and thus some perspectives change, and then what you want to change begins to change. 
 

I’m going to take the best care of myself. 

I’m going to start loving myself more and more everyday. 

I appreciate being me. 

I love being me. 

I love myself, and I will continue to do my best to take care of myself, because I care about how I feel. 

I love myself too much to beat up on myself. 

I’m going to focus on what feels good to me, and on what I want. 

I can do it. I’m going to focus on that I can, and that I will, and that it will be.
I am able & empowered. 

I am empowered to love myself, and loving myself is empowering myself. 

I will be most patient with myself. 

I’ll choose calm. I’ll feel the peace of my being. 

I’ll admit to myself when I am not being patient and loving myself. When I’m worrying about the future I will be patient and loving with myself and present. 

I will be mindful.
I will focus on thoughts about myself that feel good.

I will love myself more and more everyday. 

I will be mindful and slow down a little more, and give care to what I say, especially about myself. 

 

[MazE]

@Phil Much appreciated. I will continue reading this. I can agree that self love is what i need.

You know i don't care so much what others think about this son of a bitch. I do but much less compared to everyone else. I certainly am compassionate to myself because i know what i went through. I was born into toxicity and inhaled it all my life. I can't possibly be the same as others that didn't have to experience all this. This chain of toxicity goes to the past. All i can do is to stop this bs. I have no idea why i act like i hate myself even though i like me. Obviously the me and my story is the problem. I realize that i can feel great while everyone around me feels awful. The i shouldn't thought is stupid. I can't change my environment at the moment so it's either that or also feel bad to keep them company.

 

[Phil]

@MazE

👊🏼 

Sleep is most foundational btw. Easy to overlook. Get extra.  Consider weening down caffeine / switching to decaf. Seems like that sucks, till ya try it and start feelin hella-better. 

[MazE]

@Phil it's ironic reading this while i unpack my new coffee machine that i bought for my well being... I'm going to sleep and when i wake up i'll make an amazing coffee to get ready for work. Best i can do is reduce it. 

Edited June 22, 2022 by MazE

[Phil]

@MazE

Definitely not trying to be a dream squasher. 🙂Even if you put 1/10 of a scoop less caffeinated in there, feel great about it. It’s the good feeling that is the game changer.

[Mandy]

Caffeine use can be like driving in your car, speeding up and locking that speed into cruise control. If you've got lots of corners to navigate (discordant thoughts come up a lot) then blaming the road or blaming yourself as the driver, or saying that driving is hard makes no sense when you can just take the car out of cruise control. 

[Phil]

@Mandy

Nice! 
“But then I’ll be going slow”. 
But then slowing down turns out to feel like ya wanted to, and things actually work out better, and faster. 

[Orb]

@Mandy Can agree with the caffeine analogy.

 

I notice caffeine tends to speed up the arising of thoughts and over time this can start to feel overwhelming.

 

Daily use makes it seem like its normal. I stopped caffeine for one month a while back and was surprised at how much calmer I felt, and thoughts were clearer.

 

When I drink coffee for a long time, I forget that its actually making me anxious because its the new normal. 

[MazE]

@Mandy that's why I'm also selling my car 😉

1/3 of my stress will go away. I was never interested about cars, i don't like driving, i don't like being a responsible driver, there is no energy or motivation or anything to become a better driver. I just hate it. Maybe in the future. I don't drive anyway because i'm so tired and it would be dangerous. I only bought it because i should. Well guess what i shouldn't because i don't want to. I have more important stuff to focus on and a car doesn't deserve a place in my list to get stressed about.

[MazE]

I don't really have a choice about coffee. Seriously it's between coffee or cocaine or job doesn't get done. I'm going with coffee.

[MazE]

And the coffee was so enjoyable as i imagined it to be. You really helped me here guys. I have a different approach now. Thank you 🙏

[Mandy]

@MazE

2 hours ago, MazE said:

I only bought it because i should. Well guess what i shouldn't because i don't want to. I have more important stuff to focus on and a car doesn't deserve a place in my list to get stressed about.

👍That's the magic of minimalism, we realize that wanting stuff because we don't have it and think we should want/have it for some reason isn't true desire therefore is not inspired, or aligned. 

 

2 hours ago, MazE said:

I don't really have a choice about coffee. Seriously it's between coffee or cocaine or job doesn't get done. I'm going with coffee.

That's a belief. You may get more done without coffee. Consider what Phil said here... 

 

3 hours ago, Phil said:

“But then I’ll be going slow”. 
But then slowing down turns out to feel like ya wanted to, and things actually work out better, and faster. 

Which is exactly what you're saying. "I won't work fast or hard enough." Not going fast enough, might be seen through the filter/lens on "not enough".  When looked through the not enough lens, everything is not enough. If you just cut back on caffeine a bit, and see what happens with an open mind it might very well have the opposite effect you expect. Especially if you are willing to believe that you ARE enough. 

 

@Orb Yep, gotta watch those "new normals" 😬

2 hours ago, MazE said:

And the coffee was so enjoyable as i imagined it to be. You really helped me here guys. I have a different approach now. Thank you 🙏

🙏❤️