Scared of everything

[howisitsoactivehere]

I'm scared of bumping into people I know on my daily walks. I replaced one of my walks for a jog so I don't have to stop and say hello. I'm scared of being invited to stuff. I'm scared of having to speak to others in front of my parents.

 

I'm scared of people hearing me when I'm using the toilet. I'm scared of public toilets and urinals, so much so that I don't like to travel or go on trips because I'll probably end up constipated or damaging my bladder.

 

I'm scared of the sun, I only leave the house when the UV is low enough. I'm scared of living on my own, because it means I'll have to work and possibly will be living with some weirdos in the house. I'm scared of having a partner because it always leads to cringe and disgusting behaviour. Thanks for reading.

[Indisguise]

Voluntarily confronting what we are scared of is the only way of discovering that you're actually stronger and more capable than you thought. Then, finding out that you're stronger and tougher than you thought will motivate and encourage you to keep confronting what you're scared of, which will in turn make you even stronger. The key is to not completely throw yourself into the situation, but to gradually, voluntarily expose yourself. That's psychotherapy 101, and it works. At first, psychoanalysts thought it was because of habituation, but that's wrong. It's because we become stronger and realize that we are and were stronger than we thought. Again, the key is to do it volunatrily and gradually. If I'm afraid of elevators, I don't immediately go and ride the elevator in the Burj Khalifa. I first go and only look at an elevator, without going inside. And nothing happens to me, I'm fine. And I realize that I could stand it, I am stronger than I thought I was. And when that's getting to much, I go home. And then, maybe 2 days later, I do it again. And maybe this time, I even dare to step closer. And so forth, and if I keep increasing the exposure gradually, one day I'll suddenly find myself inside the elevator, going up and down the building. 

[Phil]

“I’m scared” feels as it does because it’s a thought which isn’t actually true. It’s not lying by any means, it’s just a thought which isn’t true. The Buddha referred to this as ‘the ignorance’.  There isn’t a ‘separate self’ which is scared. There never has been, and there could never be. It’s literally not possible. It’s not an invalid experience by any means. It’s precisely an experience of a thought, which just isn’t actually true. 

 

While it might initially seem like so subtle of a change in regard to interpretation of self & experience that it’s absurd, the reframing of ‘I’m experiencing the emotion of fear’ will change everything. It’s the beginning of experiencing everything you want. 

 

Infinite can not know finite. 

And so some beliefs feel off. 

[Mandy]

You are actually describing the experience of shame more than fear. How do you shame yourself? Those emotions are sisters and are very close on the emotional scale. 

 

Someone I hired to work on my house just farts with absolutely no shame or regard for anyone else, swears and uses the most hysterically funny outbursts when things go wrong. He does the best job and is my favorite person of any I've ever hired to work on my house (which had a full renovation over several years) by far. People are not nearly as offended by you as you think, and if they are, its because of where THEY are on the emotional scale. It's not you. 

 

Express those emotions, FORGIVE YOURSELF, LOVE yourself, and look for appreciation and humor whenever and wherever you can find it. 

 

 

[howisitsoactivehere]

@Phil What do you mean by separate self exactly? Also are you saying fear doesn't exist but the emotion of fear does?

[howisitsoactivehere]

@Mandy Yep it's definitely shame. In the past I just avoided it but now I live with my parents I've been confronted with these issues. I want to live on my own again, but I don't think it's good for my mental health to be on my own so much. I just avoid everything, im so scared about being invited to weddings and stuff because I've done nothing with my life and my social skills are weak. It's easier just to avoid everything.

[Mandy]

@howisitsoactivehere Start making videos about things you are interested in speaking about. Just make them, you don't have to share them ever or at first. Then start going to events and groups and classes for things that interest you. 

 

Weddings and social events that you are dragged to suck. Do the stuff you want to be doing. But don't avoid what you want.  Then later on weddings and social events might actually seem fun, because the world tends to open up to you that way. But that's down the road. Just learn to speak with confidence on your own for you. You gotta start with what you really want to be saying, doing and talking about. 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, howisitsoactivehere said:

@Phil What do you mean by separate self exactly? Also are you saying fear doesn't exist but the emotion of fear does?

By “separate self” I mean thoughts (about there being, or, me being, separate). Thoughts believed about how “I’m separate”. 

Yes, fear is not a thing, it’s a communicative word which points to how some thoughts feel… and is guidance, like all emotion is. 

The guidance is about the thoughts and not… what the thoughts are about. 

The thought itself, and not the content. 

 

Example:

“I’m afraid of bee’s. I fear bee’s.”

It’s not true that there is a separate self which is afraid of bee’s and that’s why there is the discord / suffering / fear. 

The suffering is felt because the thought isn’t true. 

The guidance of emotion is this case is, fear. 

There is not a separate self which fears… or is afraid of bee’s. 

There is the thought that there is a separate self which is afraid, of bee’s… and the missing or attaching with or believing or identifying… with or as, the thought. 

[howisitsoactivehere]

@Mandy I tried making a video yesterday but I just said nothing for 30 seconds because I couldn't think of anything to talk about. I find it quite shameful making vlogs, I don't want anyone to hear me ramble on like a idiot about bizarre topics

[howisitsoactivehere]

@Phil thanks you made it really clear

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, howisitsoactivehere said:

@Mandy I tried making a video yesterday but I just said nothing for 30 seconds because I couldn't think of anything to talk about. I find it quite shameful making vlogs, I don't want anyone to hear me ramble on like a idiot about bizarre topics

Alright, but take what Phil said, and apply here. WHEN you are filming yourself pay attention to the thoughts that say "I don't want anyone to hear this". No one is hearing it. It's for you. Prove to yourself that you can say something that YOU, YOU, YOU enjoy hearing/saying. Also 30 seconds, give yourself at LEAST a half hour. Preferably an hour or more. You will find that it takes a good little while to get into the flow of speaking. Plan on the first 10 minutes of talking just getting into that flow. Stop the recording and start again as much as you like in the beginning and then once you're in the flow, commit.

 

By the way, youtube is full of bizarre topics and that's why people LOVE it. It's about what they like. 

You tube. Not what this huge television network thinks people want to hear, YOUtube. 

 

The key is that people enjoy listening to people who enjoy speaking. If you are scared and not enjoying speaking because you think no one wants to listen, they sense that. It's direct. 

[Phil]

On 6/13/2022 at 5:50 AM, howisitsoactivehere said:

@Mandy I tried making a video yesterday but I just said nothing for 30 seconds because I couldn't think of anything to talk about. I find it quite shameful making vlogs, I don't want anyone to hear me ramble on like a idiot about bizarre topics

This is actually really, really great. It’s great because you did what like 99.9% of people don’t do - you allowed what you are wanting - and you actually lined up with it - you actually started. If I were in your shoes I’d be celebratory about it, feeling on top of the world. 

 

The simplest way to start imo is to create a video about something simple that you like - a video which you know you’re not going to post. For me it was a video comparing three websites that offer guitar tablature, chords & lyrics. I just compared them… one has way more content, but another allows you to transpose keys, and another is really great for those who want to just look at the chords and lyrics, vs all the tablature for solo’s & accompaniments, etc. The key is it was something I like, enjoy, am familiar with, and like talking about & sharing. 

 

Before making the video, there is the matter of what you want to say. I would type what you want to say first, before recording or making a video. Then I’d do something else, and then come back to what you wrote, and read it and slim it down making it as clear as you can, leaving really, just what you really want to say & share.  

 

I would apply appreciation - I would appreciate that there is this freedom to create, and that you have started. I would also consider & appreciate that many, many people feel just like you do, as they also believe similarly, and thus feel worry similarly when believing there is an experience of what other people think, and that they also believe in shame, when missing they don’t experience what other people think, just thoughts arising about what other people might think. This could be liberating for a lot of people. Heck, just hearing you state what’s true really, already feels encouraging. It makes me wanna say what I wanna say, without concern, worry, or shame, with respect to other people and their private experience of thoughts arising.

 

Every one is ‘where they’re at’ so to speak, and so every one has something different they really wanna say, and that is a variety of experience for all of us, which is very very easy to enjoy and appreciate. It’s also easy to appreciate the commonality, that we all want to live our best life, to live to the fullest, to let go of anything that seems to hold us back from doing so, and we all want to know & feel some truth, that our source is present, guiding every step of the way.