How would you describe a healthy sexuality?

[Someone here]

53 minutes ago, Phil said:

What do you make of this:

The Four Noble Truths as outlined in 624 B.C. by The Buddha:
The truth of suffering.
The truth of the cause of suffering.
The truth of the end of suffering.
The truth of the path that frees us from

Yeah these are the four noble truths in Buddhism . in Buddhism, desire and ignorance lie at the root of suffering. By desire, Buddhists refer to craving pleasure, material goods, and immortality, all of which are wants that can never be satisfied. As a result, desiring them can only bring suffering. But I think there is healthy desire ,genuine desire  and unhealthy neurotic desire . The latter is what creates addiction. Fast food ,porn,smoking fall into this category. And I'm addicted to the three of them .

53 minutes ago, Phil said:

What is it you actually do want?

Well I don't agree that one should always do what he wants. I mean look at the consequences of this mindset.  What if what I want is to steal and rape and kill innocent people?  Is it valid or ethical to act out those desires ?

In answering question tho..I do want to watch porn and fap off like there is no tomorrow.  I do want to smoke cigarettes like there is no tomorrow. But I noticed  that in the long term that these things are unhealthy.  So how to reconcile that?  Should you act out your desires even if they give you momentary fleeting pleasure and fuck you up in the long term ?

53 minutes ago, Phil said:

Did you watch these two videos? 

Nope .but I promise you will check them out .the Good thing about your videos is that they are relatively short and straight to the point .

 

53 minutes ago, Phil said:

How are the ‘fundamentals’ suggested going?

Daily meditation. Everyday? How long? How it is going?

Expressive journaling? Everyday? How is it going?

Have you made a dreamboard? Do you look at it daily? Add to it often?

How many times a day do you pull out the emotional scale? 

How is that going? What are you ‘finding’ so to speak?

I don't meditate often tbh .but I'm doing other spiritual practices. I do pray to God to show me the way every day.even though my faith in God got shaken recently due to intellectual reasons that I wont get into here .

I have a journal in the actualized forum talking about my current plan these days which is to finish my university degree ,get a job with a decent Salary and finding a girl to marry .

I don't have a dreamborad .but I type in my phone my goals and like I said to you before it helped me to achieve small goals in life like manifesting a new ipad lol but tbh I'm hesitant about the big goals in my life .

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by Someone here

[Phil]

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Well I don't agree that one should always do what he wants. I mean look at the consequences of this mindset.  What if what I want is to steal and rape and kill innocent people?  Is it valid or ethical to act out those desires ?

In answering question tho..I do want to watch porn and fap off like there is no tomorrow.  I do want to smoke cigarettes like there is no tomorrow. But I noticed  that in the long term that these things are unhealthy.  So how to reconcile that?  Should you act out your desires even if they give you momentary fleeting pleasure and fuck you up in the long term ?

(If we can set aside for now the matter / notion of wether we agree or not….)

 

What is it you do want? If you take into account all of what you just said, which is a lot of what you don’t want… what does the rephrasing look like when it is only of what you do want?

 

22 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Nope .but I promise you will check them out .the Good thing about your videos is that they are relatively short and straight to the point .

Thanks. You’re inspiring to me. I mean that only in the best sense and hope you receive it that way. 

24 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I don't meditate often tbh .but I'm doing other spiritual practices. I do pray to God to show me the way every day.even though my faith in God got shaken recently due to intellectual reasons that I wont get into here .

Suggestions are just suggestions, but daily morning meditation is the most fundamental suggestion here. It’s amazing how everything gets clearer and clearer as thought activity settles.  You very well might have a practice that is more conducive to ‘where you’re at’, which is working for you so to speak, idk. 

24 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I have a journal in the actualized forum talking about my current plan these days which is to finish my university degree ,get a job with a decent Salary and finding a girl to marry .

That’s great. If the distinction is helpful, I’m talking about an expression journal. Wiring thoughts that arise, writing how you feel, etc. (Public or private)

24 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I don't have a dreamborad .but I type in my phone my goals and like I said to you before it helped me to achieve small goals in life like manifesting a new ipad lol but tbh I'm hesitant about the big goals in my life .

 

Also just suggestions, but I’d try an expression journal and a dreamboard. There’s a distinct difference that gets clear from the direct experience. 

 

 

 

 

[Someone here]

33 minutes ago, Phil said:

What is it you do want? If you take into account all of what you just said, which is a lot of what you don’t want… what does the rephrasing look like when it is only of what you do want 

39 minutes ago, Phil said:

 

What I'm  really looking for is a deep intimate connection with a woman. Im looking for love basically (conditional this time, ).  I want a relationship to satisfy me Both sexually and emotionally. That's what I'm looking for in watching porn but obviously it doesn't work because porn is fake. 

 I'm pretty sexually hyper person .I get horny so easily . I'm kinda addicted to masturbation and watching porn. But I have decided..enough is enough . I need to get off my ass and stop doing lame ass beta lazy shit and get my life together. 

I want to marry . To satisfy my sexual cravings and also my emotional craving to own a house and have a family .you know raising kids and all that.  Now I'm not graduating  university less than 5 years .. But I'm in fact looking for a job while completing my uni degree .

36 minutes ago, Phil said:

Thanks. You’re inspiring to me. I mean that only in the best sense and hope you receive it that way. 

Back at ya . I really am in love with the core of your teachings (meditation, dreamboarding, moving up the emotional scale etc). And you actually "sound " like a nice and sweet person.  And it shows your desire to help others create the life they want. So thanks for everything you do 🤍

[Mandy]

2 hours ago, Someone here said:

@Mandy I'm not focusing on what I don't want . I have decided to avoid porn and masturbation for good .as they are definitely unhealthy for me . Maybe it can be healthy for other people. To each his own.

But I was sharing that scientifically there is enough data that porn is harmful .both for the producers ,the actors/actresses and  especially the consumers.

I've watched interviews with a lot of retired workers in the industry reporting how it was overall a negative experience but anyways..... ..  more for the consumers.  The majority of the consumers of course are young males.. Young single males. And they don't know what they are getting themselves into .

The issue I see is it's so easy to become an addiction. Because it's extremely pleasant unlike video games or fast food. Especially for young boys with you know with an explosion of hormones during  puberty age. the thing is.. exposure to porn results in dopamine spikes in the brains of the porn-users.. However.. after being exposed to many graphic images.. the brain becomes de-sensitised and unable to be satisfied by ordinary sexual encounters.  now what is needed is sexually extreme experiences and hardcore pornography to become sexually aroused.  You get how this works? 

Have you decided to avoid them... (in favor of some more fulfilling use of your time), or are you addicted to them? I'm confused. Which is the focus on? 

 

I don't eat eggs. I can give you all kinds of reasons for why eggs are horrible, inhumane, unhealthy, fifthly, disgusting, morally wrong, and can back up a lot of these arguments with science, but that doesn't change the fact that down the road are lots of happy people raising happy chickens, eating eggs and feeling good. Do I care about this? Do I feel like I'm missing out? Do I feel like I have an addiction to eggs? No. I enjoy the foods I do choose to eat. 

 

In just three days you can clear your system of dependence on just about any habit or substance. Thoughts are another thing. 

[Someone here]

@Mandy

11 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Have you decided to avoid them... (in favor of some more fulfilling use of your time), or are you addicted to them? I'm confused. Which is the focus on? 

 

I don't eat eggs. I can give you all kinds of reasons for why eggs are horrible, inhumane, unhealthy, fifthly, disgusting, morally wrong, and can back up a lot of these arguments with science, but that doesn't change the fact that down the road are lots of happy people raising happy chickens, eating eggs and feeling good. Do I care about this? Do I feel like I'm missing out? Do I feel like I have an addiction to eggs? No. I enjoy the foods I do choose to eat. 

 

In just three days you can clear your system of dependence on just about any habit or substance. Thoughts are another thing. 

Yes I'm addicted to them .but I recently hit rock bottom. I decided to quit for good and never coming back to watching porn and masturbating . And yes it's in favor of getting good with dating real women and actually succeeding in my sexual life . I view watching porn as a failed sexual life .only real sex should be the goal . Like I said to @Phil my plan is to graduate university,get a job and marrying someone. 

 

But back to porn ..Many young people see porn as a how-to manual, a source of ideas about the world of sex. Sadly porn sites do not come with warnings about risk or harm. They promote themselves as an endless supply of pleasure and entertainment. Like all potentially addictive substances and behaviours, porn can cause serious changes to the brain over time and encourage behaviours that harm other parts of the body. It can also lead to erectile dysfunction In men. That's just one such example that is becoming increasingly common today.

[Orb]

@Someone here can agree with this, I'm jumping on the porn bandwagon bc I feel bad rn. 

 

For a decade I've watched pornography since I was a kid, I think most guys had. 

 

After 1 year of watching porn one day in school I had a breakdown where social anxiety began and I could feel like everyone was looking at my every move. 

 

Before watching porn sure I had some hang ups here and there, but I was confident and felt decent most of the time. 

 

My highschool/middleschool years were ruined bc of porn, I had extreme anxiety around girls because of it, the thought of having a girlfriend was so overwhelming I'd nearly vomit, I actually broke things off with a girl who was into me in high-school because it seemed impossible to cope with the anxiety. 

 

A lot of grown ups who talk well about porn miss the fact that by the time internet porn came out, their brains were fully developed.

 

Us young guys watched porn when our brains were jello basically, that has a huge effect on us. 

 

Some middle aged guy like Joe rogan can say porn is just fine because his brain was more than fully developed when he watched it. 

 

I mean, are we seriously gonna ignore the potential brain trauma of seeing 100s of sexual encounters before your balls dropped? 

 

It just isn't normal, you wouldn't show a kid 100s of real life sex scenarios, they just aren't wired for that yet it's unhealthy, what's the difference with videos?

[Someone here]

8 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Someone here can agree with this, I'm jumping on the porn bandwagon bc I feel bad rn. 

 

For a decade I've watched pornography since I was a kid, I think most guys had. 

 

After 1 year of watching porn one day in school I had a breakdown where social anxiety began and I could feel like everyone was looking at my every move. 

 

Before watching porn sure I had some hang ups here and there, but I was confident and felt decent most of the time. 

 

My highschool/middleschool years were ruined bc of porn, I had extreme anxiety around girls because of it, the thought of having a girlfriend was so overwhelming I'd nearly vomit, I actually broke things off with a girl who was into me in high-school because it seemed impossible to cope with the anxiety. 

 

A lot of grown ups who talk well about porn miss the fact that by the time internet porn came out, their brains were fully developed.

 

Us young guys watched porn when our brains were jello basically, that has a huge effect on us. 

 

Some middle aged guy like Joe rogan can say porn is just fine because his brain was more than fully developed when he watched it. 

 

I mean, are we seriously gonna ignore the potential brain trauma of seeing 100s of sexual encounters before your balls dropped? 

 

It just isn't normal, you wouldn't show a kid 100s of real life sex scenarios, they just aren't wired for that yet it's unhealthy, what's the difference with videos?

Yeah man..

I watched it regularly for most of my life, because my friends did and everyone said it is normal.

Recently I began to notice how much it influences my thoughts for days after.

It is said that 'men think about sex every 7 seconds' or some bullshit like that. There's probably some truth to that, but actually they don't think about sex: they think about porn.

I noticed that if I didn't have this porn habit, I wouldn't have intrusive thoughts about sex either. And my dick worked fine when I needed it anyway. And what is the point of having sexual thoughts when no one's around and you're trying to get work done?

So for mental hygiene and to have better focus, I decided it's best to avoid regular porn use.

[Orb]

@Someone here good for you I'd say! 

 

I think some peeps on this thread are just making sure to emphasize not making porn an adversary that's all, and I agree with that. But I do think it's good to acknowledge how it's affecting your life.

 

A lot of older people assume we just feel guilty because it's sex, like no if I could watch porn and not feel like a zombie after I'd do it as much as possible lol. 

[Phil]

56 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Back at ya . I really am in love with the core of your teachings (meditation, dreamboarding, moving up the emotional scale etc).

Thanks! 🙏 I’d like to clarify though, and for what it’s worth I don’t find this clarification tedious, but most significant… I’m not a teacher and I don’t have any teachings. Meditation, dream boarding, using the scale & expressive writing are in & of themselves the means of desired change. The old saying comes to mind about the finger pointing to the moon, and one still looking at the finger. That saying seems derogatory at first, but only initially. It’s quite beautiful ‘down the road’.   Meditation, dreamboarding, moving up the emotional scale, and expressive journaling are what reveal ‘the moon’. ‘Doing’ them, the undergoing, is the ‘looking’ at ‘the moon’. If I could of course I would, but I can only point. Just a road sign basically. 

56 minutes ago, Someone here said:

And you actually "sound " like a nice and sweet person.  And it shows your desire to help others create the life they want. So thanks for everything you do 🤍

Thanks again! The kindness is very much appreciated! Please don’t take this as ‘throwing a compliment back in your face’, but another old phrase comes to mind… ‘praise & blame are all the same’, and I am also not a nice or sweet person. This might seem trivial or even defensive at the moment, but is not meant that way. Give the most recent two videos a watch if you want when you have a minute. I would then read this thread and I think some insights will pop. I also think hearing a bit about transference and transmutation and the source of it all will make more sense of what I’m clarifying. Again though, thank you sir, much appreciated. My only applicable desire here is (so to speak - your) self-realization. 

[Someone here]

@Orb personally I  think it is damaging to every aspect of life. This is only coming from my own  perspective, because it depends what you are living for and what motivates you to do it and the life style you want.

For me, it is caused me so much suffering in my teenage years. The Ego Indulgence, Selfishness, Shallowness, Negativity, Negative relationships with people, Un natural behavior, all the trickery, feminizing effects on me. Though, I heavily miss-used porn throughout my teenage years and masturbated to it 99% of days for like 5 years. I don't even think it's worth it to do it once.

It will seem great, everything your Ego wants. But the price to pay is not worth it, in my opinion, for matters of the heart and soul.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

What I'm  really looking for is a deep intimate connection with a woman. Im looking for love basically (conditional this time, ).  I want a relationship to satisfy me Both sexually and emotionally. That's what I'm looking for in watching porn but obviously it doesn't work because porn is fake. 

 I'm pretty sexually hyper person .I get horny so easily . I'm kinda addicted to masturbation and watching porn. But I have decided..enough is enough . I need to get off my ass and stop doing lame ass beta lazy shit and get my life together. 

I want to marry . To satisfy my sexual cravings and also my emotional craving to own a house and have a family .you know raising kids and all that.  Now I'm not graduating  university less than 5 years .. But I'm in fact looking for a job while completing my uni degree .

I wonder if I’m going to far to soon, or if dots can be connected here. When I skinny down the desires, what’s wanted, it looks like:

-Deep intimate connection.

-Love.  

-Satisfaction. 

-Real (no more fake)

-Alpha (and I’ll add The Alpha Omega)

-Well-being. 

 

I would put those (as written there) first, and I would categorize or think of that as communion. You and you, you and peace of mind, you and knowing everything is actually working out for you, you and God, you and Peace, you and Love, whichever phrasing resonates for you. 

 

I would put meditation, expressive journaling, using the dreamboard and using the emotional scale first. 

I would put the following things second:

-A relationship. 

-Marriage.

-Family. 

-Degree.

-Career. 

-Well-being. 

 

 

While I would focus on and do the first list before the second, I do not necessarily mean both can’t be happening or unfolding simultaneously and overlapping. I’m speaking more to seeing experience a bit differently… and most of all to priority of focus, what’s focused on first. (Just to be Uber clear, I’m not suggesting dropping out of college or anything like that.)

 

I’d also consider, every thing every one says about themself & believes to be true is like a clue with respect to suffering… but this might be a bit ‘down the road’. Just consider it’s possible you aren’t per se like this or that. Consider conditioning, as in, we all grow up believing ‘I’m this or that, or I’m just like this or that’. (That’s the beginning of one of the videos btw). For now I’m just saying bring as much open-mindedness to this as possible. 

 

Also, if I were in your shoes (now I can say this cause I’m talkin about myself here 🙂 ) I’d literally splash cold water on my face, do some jumping jacks, slap my own face a couple times - and do everything I possibly can to be wide open and receiving to hear what @Mandy is saying about focus. If you listen to the videos and do re-read this thread you might see just how much focus is going to un-wanted. If you see that, and that is frustrating - take pause - don’t ‘go there’ / ‘beat up on yourself’ - recognize that would be more of the same, more focus on un-wanted… because and only because - it doesn’t feel good, doesn’t resonate. If you see and realize that - you’ve struck gold. Real change has begun, because that acknowledgment is that of putting how you feeling, or simply - feeling - first. That is a game changer / life changing event. Not “big”, not “difficult”, but a major, major turning point, a change in orientation - the recognition of the truth of suffering. I’m sure you’re as busy as I am, but when you have some time, consider watching my previous videos. Not trying to pat myself on the back here, but there is a lot on that. It’s more or less the overall theme. Focus, ending suffering, healing & well being, and consciously creating. 

 

 

[Someone here]

28 minutes ago, Phil said:

I would put meditation, expressive journaling, using the dreamboard and using the emotional scale first. 

I would put the following things second:

-A relationship. 

-Marriage.

-Family. 

-Degree.

-Career. 

-Well-being. 

So I should focus on the foundations first before I let my mind wander into far lofty goals?  I think yes ,I need some kind of basic daily routine that builds momentum and adds up after few years with great results. It's not a one night deal .its a life long investment and doing the right thing and living the right life .

My life rarely follows one straight road .it  winds and twists and turns. Do i know where I'm  headed?  It's hard to be on the right path when im moving in different directions

 Being open and honest about this from the beginning can help me avoid a lot of frustration down the road.

34 minutes ago, Phil said:

Also, if I were in your shoes (now I can say this cause I’m talkin about myself here 🙂 ) I’d literally splash cold water on my face, do some jumping jacks, slap my own face a couple times - and do everything I possibly can to be wide open and receiving to hear what @Mandy is saying about focus. If you listen to the videos and do re-read this thread you might see just how much focus is going to un-wanted. If you see that, and that is frustrating - take pause - don’t ‘go there’ / ‘beat up on yourself’ - recognize that would be more of the same, more focus on un-wanted… because and only because - it doesn’t feel good, doesn’t resonate. If you see and realize that - you’ve struck gold. Real change has begun, because that acknowledgment is that of putting how you feeling, or simply - feeling - first. That is a game changer / life changing event. Not “big”, not “difficult”, but a major, major turning point, a change in orientation - the recognition of the truth of suffering. I’m sure you’re as busy as I am, but when you have some time, consider watching my previous videos. Not trying to pat myself on the back here, but there is a lot on that. It’s more or less the overall theme. Focus, ending suffering, healing & well being, and consciously

Got it .focus on what you do want and give zero importance to what I don't want . Simple but powerful and effective. Thanks phil😇

[Phil]

11 minutes ago, Someone here said:

So I should focus on the foundations first before I let my mind wander into far lofty goals? 
 

Sounds great to me. I’d say just noticing (the mind wandering) is enough, and bringing attention back to perception, feeling, being where you are and who you are, which is perfect right now as is. 

11 minutes ago, Someone here said:

 

I think yes ,I need some kind of basic daily routine that builds momentum and adds up after few years with great results.
 

Just for now, just for how it feels, just for how you feel. Write what you want (goals, results, etc) on the dream board and let it go - get right back so to speak to here-now. Add to the dreamboard anytime! Add the insights, the ideas, etc anytime. 

11 minutes ago, Someone here said:

 

It's not a one night deal .its a life long investment and doing the right thing and living the right life .

My life rarely follows one straight road .it  winds and twists and turns. Do i know where I'm  headed?  It's hard to be on the right path when im moving in different directions

 Being open and honest about this from the beginning can help me avoid a lot of frustration down the road.

Got it .focus on what you do want and give zero importance to what I don't want . Simple but powerful and effective. Thanks phil😇

🙏🏼