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Expressing/Emptying/Creating


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This is going to be my expressing journal. I'll talk about what I want and how I feel.

 

The point where I am at is quite rough. The last 3 weeks I've slept no more than 6 hours and most of the time around 2 hours and got some nightmares. I feel pretty stressed out and frightened.  But now and then I can access the present moment and get some piece. :)

i hope that emptying helps me relieve my buzzing head.

I use this to remind myself of trying to be nice to myself like a friend and keep that attitude.

 

Right now it's 10 pm and I noticed a negative expactation about this night and some fearful thoughts about this night arise. 

I'm worrying a bit if I can keep my live together if this continues because I have to use my brains for university and I feel a lack of energy or lethagic or even powerless. I have lots of work to do. 

It seems strange. For my state of mind I'm in, my life goes on quite well. 

This week I had a date which was quite nice and from which a friendship might arise. Then, during my yoga practice in the park, I met Yoga teacher and I'm going to meet her on monday. She seemed into me, but lets see how it's going to be. I see in myself the deep need for relationships with healthy people and also intimate relationships.

 

I'm using the scale:

 

And some more fearful thoughts. I'm afraid of this night. That I'll have nightmares about something bad that is out there to hurt me or that my thoughts are going to hurt me.  I partially see it's a projection of this state but this is how it feels like. This makes me feel quite vulnerable and and I envy people with good heslthy sleep and  less trouble in this area. I also envy people who enjoy their lives and have more comfort and health. 

It makes me angry to bear this fate. I have ptsd and a little disability and it sucks to be taken advantage of and let other people step over my boundaries. 

The wish to enforce my boundaries comes up and not letting me be pushed around comes up.  I'd like to tell people how I feel and yell around.

I acknowledge that all this fighting is tireing and I need a rest. It feels a bit discouraging.

That's it for today.

 

 

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7 hours ago, Starlight said:

Almost 8hrs of sleep. Yeah!

Congrats! 

Know that good feelin! As in make a note of it, see that the goodness that you are is the awareness of the thoughts. Thoughts don’t define you, you are not your thoughts. 🤍

Begin to ‘flip the script’… when discordant thoughts arise, call em - discordant thoughts -  and relax & allow the thoughts. Allow them to be heard, like you would a good friend who’s just having a tuff time. Everyone experiences discordant thoughts sometimes! It’s not a ‘who we are’ situation. There aren’t good people and bad people, nice people and not nice people, worthy people and unworthy people, deserving people and un-deserving people etc. It’s the same for anyone and everyone - when discordant thoughts are allowed, the added suffering, the intensity of resisting, is not felt, and (very shortly after) insights occur. Dig deeper even - love the thoughts. Love every thought that arises. Notice with every discordant feeling thought… the discord of the thought is felt with, by - the goodness that you Are. Just like if you touch a hot stove, there is the ‘burn’ - but there is also…. Wow! There IS sensation! 

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I've just had a deep relaxing erotic hypnosis. There is some quietness and relaxation. But I also feel exhausted and my body feels stressed out. I feel my ego has become more dense and exalerated.

Also thoughts of anger come up because I feel stressed out and attached to the pleasurable sensations. I feel angry because I should have done work for my studies. I am also afraid that this deep hypnosis will influence my  sleep and lead to an unclear mind and nightmares and that the exaleration is too much. 

Another topic are my studies. Because I felt so bad and couldn't concentrate I just started the math part of my lab report.

The problem though is that I haven't the math modul yet because I study part time due to financial and health reasons and had to arrange my schedule to fit that and I have to do calculations on a very high level. I have no idea how to do. I guess I will need some help. It's uncomfortable to ask. The hardest part is to get into motion

 

Lets go to the scale:

I am afraid that I'll mess up my career and that I'll be aimless and end up in chaos and depression and people will look down on me because I have to work some retarded job because my disability doesn't allow me to work heavily with my body or stand a long time. That makes me feel depressed. 

I feel worthless and insecure without a career and that I'm relatively old.

I'm jealous of my younger fellow students who come straight from school and can study full time. 

I feel envy people for their health and I hate this situation. I hate being disorganised and that I can't work as much as I want. I hate not having something to show up and I hate being so nice. I hate being depressed and fearful and confused. 

I also hate having nightmares and being afraid of them. 

It makes me agry that some people made fun of me doing yoga in the park. My whole situation makes me feel angry and revengeful. But its so exhausting to fight. 

I feel disencouraged by all this fighting and this situation and stress.

I'll blame life, my parents, the weather and human nature.

I'll blame myself that I did this hypnosis and other stupid decisions which worsened my state. I blame the unfairness of life. I blame those people in the park for being rude.

I notice being worried what other people might think about me and how I behave. I'm worried about my career, my houshold, my friends, my future, my life. It's sleeping time and I'm worried about my sleep this night.

I'm worried to get up on time, even though I sleep little. 

I doubt that my situation is going to improve as fast as I need it. 

I doubt that I'll get out of this for good and that I'll get lasting happyness. I doubt that the  date tomorrow will go well and that I'll be fit. I doubt that I deserve all the good things that have happened to me. I'm disappointed of me and life. It could be soo much better. I feel disappointed that I haven't made better use of my day.

Its overwhelming. all this doubting and negativity.

It's frustrating. I want to feel better, now! It's super annoying going into this negativity and working my bottom off. 

I feel negative about this situation.

I acknowledge that it's boring to go in circles. I want something new. I'll relax a bit in this moment. 

When I can improve my feeling, then I can inprove my situation! :-) this feels empowering and gives rise to hope for feeling better and better. Maybe tomorrow will be a nice day and my state is going to improve more and more. Maybe I'll meet nice people and I'll be able to do all what I've scheduled. 

I feel happy to be here and I'm grateful for this chance to change the course of my life. I'm grateful to be  so lucky with all this circumstances. I want to change and find my passions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, Phil said:

Congrats! 

Know that good feelin! As in make a note of it, see that the goodness that you are is the awareness of the thoughts. Thoughts don’t define you, you are not your thoughts. 🤍

Begin to ‘flip the script’… when discordant thoughts arise, call em - discordant thoughts -  and relax & allow the thoughts. Allow them to be heard, like you would a good friend who’s just having a tuff time. Everyone experiences discordant thoughts sometimes! It’s not a ‘who we are’ situation. There aren’t good people and bad people, nice people and not nice people, worthy people and unworthy people, deserving people and un-deserving people etc. It’s the same for anyone and everyone - when discordant thoughts are allowed, the added suffering, the intensity of resisting, is not felt, and (very shortly after) insights occur. Dig deeper even - love the thoughts. Love every thought that arises. Notice with every discordant feeling thought… the discord of the thought is felt with, by - the goodness that you Are. 

Thx phil.  when I read this a few hours ago I was able to to attend to them and there was suddenly a love experience from the turning towards them.  

I will reread  your post tomorrow to remind me of this. 🙏🙏😊

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Last night I slept 7 hours. That's good. today I'm soo tired and exhausted. I hope I'll sleep longer this night. Doubts arise because of this. Today was a good day. I could do some work, had a beautiful time with a nice woman and did some yoga. There was also this presence and letting go and peace during the day. I saw that goodness phil mentioned in the prior post and knew it's all alright.

Now I'm back in this discordant state. It is as if after letting go a lot a state of fear come up.

So it's time for emptying and feeling.

I feel depressed and empty because I lost this nice state. I feel quite vulnerable right now and very dense and in pain. My mind runs at 100mph. I'm afraid of my thought and that feels totally off. 

I feel guilty and weak for watching porn and not being more loving towards myself and not being able to rest better.

It's strange to be soo tired but at the same time my mind is running and there is good and energizing feeling beneath. That's quite confusing because my mind is confused but this feeling is like energy. 

Additionally, my mind is afraid of that and there is the wish to control.

I feel envy towards people who sleep well and can concentrate better. I wish I would be fitter. I also wish I had the energy and clarity to see what I want and focus on that part and on my studies. 

I hate this and my state of mind. I also hate that I have to learn so much math in such a short time. 

I like learning and even math if it's not forced in a tiny time frame. I hate being under pressure. I made some progress with the calculations but only learned for 2 hours. 

It makes me angry that I didn't resolved a problem this morning and made little progress with my studies. The feeling of vengenceful. 

It's soo discouraging fighting again and again. I want some peace of mind. 

I blame myself for this situation and state of mind and being so careless with myself. I blame my professor for putting extra pressure on my by not giving me some more time even though my doctor certified that I'm not fit to do the work. 

That worries me. My studies and all the stuff I have to do worry me. I'm worried if this is going to work out with this woman. I somehow  doubt it, because she has so much going on in her life and might be turned off by my negative vibes. 

I feel disappointed because I have so many discordant thoughts and I think life should be positive and fun, but I can't live up to this image. I feel disappointed because I've become so unaware. I'm disappointed about how slowly everything progresses and that I am avoiding a lot. I'm disappointed that I worry so much. I feel disappointed that I can't focus on my creative planes because I have no mental energy. 

This feel super overwhelming. That's too much. So I acknowledge how frustrating it is being so disappointed and having to bear this heavy feelings. It's annoying and I want to feel better and focus on the stuff I actually want like health, rest, having fun learning, Making progress, having an intimate relationship, doing something good. 

I acknowledge my pessimistic attitude about life and myself. I can relax a little bit. I feel pessimistic about my future.  

I resist the impulse to distract myself and stay in the moment. I feel the discord of I can't.  I notice the resistance to some thoughts. 

I feel peaceful and tired. This shows that feeling better is possible. This gives rise to hope that I can leave this behind and maybe this night I'll sleep some more and have nice dreams.  

Oh, when I focus on negative thoughts it feels negative. 

Some kind of love arises for listening to the thoughts. It feels good. =) there is a change in attitude and the feeling of happiness. I thought I had to do something to feel better. But I was wrong or rather my reaction.

 I'll remember that. 😁

@Philthank you again. 👊🙏

I'm eager for the next day. So have a good night!😴

 

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Yes, that sounds nice. I'll remember it. :)

Today was a very mixed day. Till afternoon it was kinda meeh but after that it became quite cool. I was at a nice place outside and truely listened to my thoughts and anger and there was a big relief. It kind of as if they were trying to give me a very important communication and I understood it. I'm angry because I don't do what I want and the talk became nicer and better feeling and extremely honest.

After that I still was angry till evening but was cool with it.

I have realized I had been wanting to be angry all the time but it was surpressed and there was a thought that I don't want to and shouldn't be angry. 

Maybe I can do the same with my tiredness.

Right now I feel quite ok. Very tired but relaxed. There is some kind of discomfort. There are some negative thoughts. However if I focus less on them and instead more of feeling and sensations I relax more get more comfortable. I notice there is the desire to enjoy the moment and it's ok. I want to feel great and feel quite happy. I've noticed that feeling good is feeling and not thinking about it. And that seems to be the case why thinking about it feels so off. 

I want to infuse my life mit love and passion. I want to funiture I really like. If that isn't empowering? 😁

I notice that I'm happy because I don't hold on to the negative thoughts right now.

@Philthank you very much. I appreciate your help and the whole website. Thank you 🧡🙏

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Today was a good day. I had some appointments, was at university and worked some stuff. A female fellow student and I are going on a date at the weekend. Let's see how it works out. There are much more positive thoughts and I realized that they have to be thought to get more of them. Also for just a few minutes I remembered that I resist the good things happening and there was much appreciation that so many good things happen to the right time. It's crazy.

There are some negative thoughts and pain but it's ok right now. 

So let's see how this night gonna be. I also notice that I didn't focus on what I want but more on doubt and need which causes desperation. So it's fixable. Might take some time though or not... =)

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I slept a little more last night. The day was alright. I have been at university and visited a buddhist tempel for chanting and meditation. 

On my way back home a older women acompanied me for a good part of the way and it was a little bit discomfortable because the people from there always ask what I do and my foot situation and it burdens me to talk about that because I worry about their opinion and it makes me sad. Then I also start to worry about the operations to come and what I have to d to keep in check so that it improves and keep them as healthy as I can. There are yet und processed emotions attached to it  so I will go into that another time maybe.

 

I feel stressed from the long day and also with the lady.  I like her but I feel annoyed by her. I feels frustrating trying to evoid such topic .i feel pessimistic. Now i feel bordem. Contentment arises.  Tim to sleep

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I'll start with emptying. 

I feel angry. I had such a nice and productive day. An hour ago I talked to a buddhist nun I know and she was so kind that I felt undeserving and got angry at her but kept it by myself. I feel guilty because of that and of the talk I said something that could have sound disrespectful.

I feel jealous, too. I hate my negative attitude. It makes me angry not to live up to my images. I remember that its tiring always to fight and that the anger burns. I feel the burn right now.  I feel angry because I want to be liked and feel under pressure to say the right things.

It's super exhausting to always observe myself to fit the right role and many of them I don't even like. 

I want to take it more easy. 

If I wouldn't behave that way. It makes me crazy. She asked me about my foot situation and that made me feel bad.

It also drives me crazy to think negative thoughts.

I hope she didn't noticed that it made me feel uncomfortable. Today I did well in university and was very productive. I'm still a bit concerned about the time frame and that my negativity will hold me back. 

I doubt myself. 

I feel disappointed that I feel so negative and say stupid things. I feel also disappointed that I was too nervous to approach a girl today. I noticed right now the difference between what is felt and that things are actually going pretty well.  

I won't skip emotions though. 

So I feel annoyed that I don't go straight to what I want.  I feel frustrated to go through it slowly. I recognise that this a attitude that doesn't feel good. 

I want to distract myself and grab something to eat. I'll wait a bit and instead breath. I remember that feeling is right now and that I can focus instead on thoughts that feel better and feeling is right now. That's good news. :) It's just pessimistic thoughts. 

A sense of contentment comes up. 

This gives rise to have hope that I can feel great and can focus on things that feel good and experience them. 

I believe my date tomorrow is going to be fun and the weekend will be nice. The road is free. This feels empowering. I want to work on my lab report and have the clarity to understand what I write. 

I want to enjoy the weekend and meet nice people. I'm greatful for this day. I did well in university and had the power for the full day and I actually enjoyed learning and writing the report.  I feel eager for more of that. 

I'm sure I will have as well time for something creative. :)

I feel a deep sense of love towards live and myself. It feels empowering to go through the whole scale and feel completely different within 30 minutes. I feel appreciation for this forum and for the change that's happening. I feel excited towards tomorrow and the music from outside I'm listening to. Woow ,the time flies. I feel joy right now and notice that is what I want, especially on dates. Enjoy the time. I feel great. It's amazing that it was that easy.

It's time to sleep. So have a good night. 😊

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Today a salesman knocked at my door and I made directly clear to take a catalogue at most and he tried to push me to orderibg stuff. I replied that I don't fall for that and he stopped and went away.

I understand that he's doing just his job, but it made me angry that he stepped over my boundaries. 

I feel good that I caught it almost straight away. It feels good to experience what I want (setting boundaries and paying attention to my desires). When I listen to my thoughts I hear stories of past events where people crossed my line. I notice that I want a respectful attitude toward my thoughts and towards others.

I feel angry about past mistakes. 

The prospect of fighting all day long feels discouraging. I give up and let it win. 

The world can do whatever it wants. 

This salesman shouldn't have crossed my boundaries and it's my fold for not having learned that earlier. 

I also blame all the people who crossed my line and I guess that I'm the one who crossed my lines the most.

Now I start to worry about boundaries and whether I listen to myself enough. Also worry about my studies come up and if I work enough. 

Now I worry about what my professor and my fellow students might think because I got one week extra time for my lab report and if I ask them sth they will ask me back why I got this special treatment.

They might not understand. I doubt I will get all the things done I want to do today. This feels disappointing. I feel also disappointed my lazyness and that people I rarely tell people when they cross my line. 

It's frustratig to do all this work and not enjoying it. I want to enjoy it.  It's annoying to try so hard. I want to take it easy. 

It's feels annoying to worry what others might think. It's annoying to focus on things I don't like.

It's frustrating to think pessimisticly. Then it's clear that I cannot see the positive stuff and all the good things in life. A negative perspective taints all in a pessimistic light. That feels boring. I want something else. I'm very tired. Letting go happens and "back" into the now. Contentment and happiness come up.  Also gratitude that this place exists. It's cool to change the mood completely and I didn't distract myself. I see that it's all completely handable. I feel excitement for the events to come today. I will visit my bf who is having a baby in a month and the date afterwards. I want to enjoy myself and others as much as possible. It feels good to feel better and do myself something good. I've got plenty of things I can do I like. I just haven't noticed it. ;-) I want to a more loving and caring attitude and feel free.

So, I'm gonna enjoy my day now. ✌

 

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So it's 11 pm and I've just come back from my date. It was overly a nice experience and we've had fun. There could have been more between us and there was attraction but I changed my mind because she has a very depressed and fearful attitude and I noticed that I was attracted to that the most. I felt strong and confident around her. I noticed it's relative.  She is cute and attractive and has some good character traits and deep thinking on some topics which I appreciate. I noticed, however, that I want a joyful person in my future relationship. I feel so releaved after I've changed my mind and I've experienced it's the right decision. 

 

Now there comes doubt to my mind that intimacity would be better for me, even though it's a depressed person. The I feel very lonely now. I also doubt if it's the right decision to write such intimate thoughts on the internet. 

I'll focus on disappointment and noticed that I feel disappointed to not having fulfilled my desire for intimacy. It could have been better. I feel disappointed that I havent eaten and dinner. 

That's annoying. I feel frustrated to go trough all this disliking and not finding a partner. I've just noticed it's a pessimistic thought and focus on the negative parts. I feel bored and now releaved. I see it's just thoughts. I feel content and see that most of the time I was happy today. It's alright. I also realize that I refrained from getting closer with her because  I noticed didn't want to hurt her feelings if I got into a relationship with her and feel better I would want to get out of the relationship. 

I want a healthy relationship, that's what I want.  I feels good to know myself better and having more experience with women. I also noticed that the pain was far weaker when good feeling is felt. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and tomorrow night. I might go clubbing. I will write on my lap report and might do some yoga or go to the gym. I feel appreciation for the day and being alive and listening to the thoughts. 

 

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Just one last note before I fall asleep. I listened to the sadness inside myself and noticed that I want to feel loved. There was a moment of honest aknowledgement and I gave my thought the love and it was alright and I felt this energy in feeling great.

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Today was a good day. I worked at my lab report  and it went pretty well and I'm optimistic to get it done on time. I also did some yoga and went to the gym afterwards. I see that doing sport feels very good and I needed that. I'm happy to experience this day. Then I had a very calm meditation. I have noticed the difference between now and a year ago. A little bit more than a year ago it wasn't possible to be that active because of my disability and it has become way better. Well, I've also 2 operations since to improve my feet and it was worth it. In my head I'm still used to think I was that disabled. It's amazing that my life has changed that much. 3,5 years ago I had an accident and spent almost 11 months in a wheel chair and and a year after more with only 1.5 miles a day being able to walk and 7 operations altogether. I went back to a normal life step by step. Back then this seemed almost impossible and I acknowledge the dramatic change for the better.  Most of us forget that walking is a gift. Being alive is a gift. 🙏

There is still pain and arthorisis but I've noticed that being negative increases the pain manyfold. So, the answer to that seems clear. 

There are so many things I like I can do again like juggling, music, yoga, walking, riding bicle, going to the gym, jogging small distances, dancing, socialising. 😚😚

And I'm studying again. I think I've suffered enough and it's time to accept some good things and that things are going better and feeling better overall. Actually inspite of the states I had lastly or even with those I even feel better then before the accident.

So that's it for today.

Everyone have a good night or day 😴

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I feel soo pessimistic right now. I sleep very little last night and spent 3.5 hours writing my report and couldn't concentrate and I'm very tired the whole day. I'm so exhausted right now. I hope I can sleep better this night. I've only 3 days left and with this lack of cencentration and energy I highly doubt to get it done. I need rest and less stress. I'm doubting the whole thing. I wish I could have some back up. But for them working is all that counts. They don't understand my situation and why I can't just work more. I've already asked them in other situations when I was heavily depressed and overstressed and they just said I should do it anyways and what would the people say. 

 

I might have noticed a pattern. I overly stress myself. Then I get in old toxic thinking patterns and stress myself some more and  thenI try to releave myself with distraction and it grows and grows.  

 

I think that it is unrealistic to finish my report on time. I have neither the time nor the energy. That's bitter. I liked the work. I'll take the lessons and move on. I feel an enormous pain in my head. 

I feel disappointed about that this didn't work out and losing 1/3 of my credic points this half year. I feel disappointed because my plans didn't work out I feel that I disappointed others. People often ask me about my career and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel disappointed that I haven't got a good job and still working on my career and that not so stress tolerant as others. 

It's frustrating to have to work harder than most people and most of them seem not to care. It's frustrating to compare myself with others. I feel annoyed because of my lack of sleep and stress level. I want to relax and have a good night. 

I want to focus more on other things. 

When I reread this post I can't overlook the pessimism and it feels way off. 

I'm more in the moment now and feel bored. 

I yeah, feeling better is a thought and I can't feel better because feeling isn't a thought. I also resisted my thoughts. Maybe it will get better and better and I'll sleep more again this night and focus on the other stuff I like. It's ok. It feels good to feel better. 

I'm happy to be here. I want to express myself. Maybe I'll paint an image. Maybe I'll find something I really passionate about. Maybe I try sth in the social area.

I'm thankful for this website and and getting a positive outlook again. I appreciate the strawberries I got. Those were the sweetest I tried for years. I acknowledge that this feels empowering and I can do something. 

So have a good night.

 

 

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Today I feel exhausted. I thought I've given up the lab report for good but today after yoga I felt energized and went to the library to work on it and wrote a good part. It felt good to work on it and I wish I had mord time to finish it, but two days are too little and my state of mind unclear so my sentences don't sound sophisticated at all and I'm way slower than usual. But I also have to take into account that there is stuff I have not had yet and the other students studying fulltime already had, so I've got to learn that extra. 

 With the report I'll do what I can and if it doesn't work out I'll deal with the emotions when they come. It feels more fullfilling doing the work than waiting for better times to come. 

I feel a bit annoyed because I work so slow and my state of mind confused. I feel frustrated being so tired. I want to be able to sleep like a baby being able to deeply relax. It's frustrating not having a partner. I feel also frustrated because I have a focus on pessimistic thoughts and don't see the good stuff that happens in my live. 

That makes me feel  bored. 

Ok I've got contact with feeling and feelig content. That feels good and gives rise to hope that I'll get easier to feel good and that my live is managable.

I think that I'll have a better night this night. I feel happy I did the work i did today. I actually want to be more involved in it.

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