Expressing/Emptying/Creating

[Starlight]

This day was mostly ok. I learnt a bit about acceptence and procrastination. I had some physical therapy but I think it made my knees worse. I feel totally tired. I noticed in interaction that I often don't do what I want and it makes me angry. 

 

Right now there is fear because of my knee and general situation. I have also some thoughts which I fear. I don't like them and feel powerless from them. There is also some dispair because I don't want my disability and now the knee prolems. It sucks and I hate it. I also hate it when I'm forcing myself to interact with others when I need time for myself. But I hate it when I'm alone with myself when I need company. I hate that I often don't comunicate things to other people and over burden myself. I hate it when I let myself be treated in ways I don't want to be treated and put up a lot of false smiles. I hate it to hide the anger but I see I as necessary for some harmony but I hate that, too. I hate pretending false interest in subjects I don't like or being troublesome for me. I hate my forced false niceness. I hate it when people are nice to me and I don't appreciate that. I feel angry because a friend made a bad joke about me. I feel angry because I can't walk around and have to sit the whole day. I wish I hadn't injured my knees. I feel angry because I don't want to have this situation, my disability and my emotional bagage. This makes me feel discouraged. I often feel discouraged from the fighting. I feel discouraged because it's so much effort and I feel so tired from the lack of sleep. I feel discouraged from having so many problems and fears and these bodily issues. I feel discouraged from the big quest of setting my life right. I also feel discouraged from my unmet expectations and that this down takes so long. It also feels discouraging seeing all these chaos in my mind and this state. I blame myself for not setting boundaries and doing things for short term relieve though harming in the long run. I blame myself for being falsely nice. I also blame myself for being too strict on myself. I blame my fellow patients here for being rude and being careless. I blame my injury for making me anxious and panicy. I blame the war and the polititians for fucking up the economy. I also blame the current economic system. I blame others for burden me. I blame myself for not taking better care of me. I worry about my future and my health. I am afraid that this knee situation has robbed me of my ways to cope and that it will take months to heal. I worry that I'm too fucked up for university and that I won't be able to concentrate nor learn. I feel worried that I won't be able to make my way to university and the stairs with the knee injury. I worry that I will make will make it worse when I try to get out of this situation. I feel worried that I don't get off of the sleeping pills. I feel worried about the economy and inflation. I worry what other people think of me. I doubt myself a lot. I doubt that I will get better. I doubt that I will be happy. I also doubt that I'll make friends here. I doubt my ability to set boundaries. I also doubt that I can endure the knee injury. I doubt that I will be fit for studying next months and well prepared. I also doubt that I will sleep well this night. I doubt that I will be able to relax. I feel disappointed from myself for not standing up for myself. I feel disappointed for not being mindful. I slao feel disappointed from this summer and life. I feel disappointed from the orhter patients here. I feel disappointed because I behave this way. I feel overwhelmed from all this negativity and pain. I feel overwhelmed from my feelings, the anger and anxiety. It frustrates me not getting rest I need and the acceptence I want. It irritates me that life doesn't go more accourding to my plans. I want to feel better and I feel impatient. It irritates me having to rest so much and not being able to do hobbies I like, I feel pessimistic about life in general and my future. I feel pessimistic about my knees and my disability and having to sit here. I also feel pessimistic about the clarity of my mind. I feel pessmistic about my goals and relationsships. I acknowloedge that I often have pessimistic thoughts and that I focus on them without even knowing. I feel bored from this moment. It bores me to repeat these negative thoughts. I come to this moment and feel alright again and there is some contentment with what is. I feel hope that I can get better. I feel hopeful that I my situation is gonna improve slowly and that I can handle this. Now I can look at it as a chance to grow and I realise that happiness is not a thought. I think I'll be able to make some friends here and connect to people and that my sleep will improve eventually. I feel eager to relax a bit and sleep. I'm eaer to sing tomoroow with some other patients. Live seems beautiful again. I enjoy the moment right now and feel happy. So I feel empowered to do things right now. I appreciate that another patient brought me some groceries from the store. That was really kind of him. I also appreciate the singing today. I appreciate this moment and the support system. I appreciate the general niceness of most people. I appreciate the help from other people. I feel freeer now to do things I want. I love music and playing instruments, I also love myself. I love my parents and friends. 

 

It's strange how the perspective can change so swift. 

[Starlight]

This day was mixed. I slept almost 6 hours and was for the most part of the day confused. In the evening I had a good talk and I watched the GoT prequel.

 

I feel a bit angry because my knees hurt and they seem to make more trouble today. I feel worried about them and I doubt that they wil be fit again till start of university. The thought that thsi could happen makes me feel disappointed. It feels annoying to sit all day long with extended legs. I want it get better faster. I feel pesimistic about it. I feel bored by it. I come to this moment and feel content. That makes me feel hopeful for the future and my knees. I see again hope for my sleep and university and can do things. 

I appreciate the nice talks today and being here and this forum and that I started looking for therapists which I postponed a few weeks. Doing this give me the feeling of empowerment.

[Starlight]

Today was just boring and I spent most of the time watching different things on youtube and reading articles.

I feel confused and tired and acted that way today. It's quite anoying and it makes me angry. I slept only 4 hours or so.

 

I feel angry because I don't like this state and wasting my time. I want to enjoy life but am impaired. I also feel worried wether I'll be able to sleep this night. I avoided a lot today and now I see that it wasn't a good idea. I feel a bit helpless because now I have to face what I've been avoiding. There is a lot of disliking and I feel stressed out. Being in this situation feels really discouraging. I feel discouraged from having to face this every day. I blame the lack of sleep and the confusion for my suffering. I feel worried that this will ruin my life and I'll waste too much time. I feel also worried about my knees and that it takes such a long time to heal. I doubt that I'll be able to study this semester and that threatens many things and I doubt that I'll come out of this soon. I feel disappointed from life and myself. It's so damn overwhelming to have to go through all this stuff. It's frustrating to go through this day after day and not seeing any end. This unclarity is so annoying. I feel impatient to getting better. I feel very pessimistic right now. I notice the feeling of boredom.I feel bored from thinking this way. Ok I notice that I was focusing on those thoughts. I can't get to contentment though. 

[Starlight]

that's from friday. I understand today a bit more about the law of attraction. Today is feel ok. Stressed though and exhausted. I feel worried whether I should go home over the weekend or not and where I will be able to sleep better. At home or in hospital. I feel doubt about it is a good idea to sleep at home and take the long way through the cold and wether it's too late. I feel a bit disappointed from staying here all day long. I feel disappointed that I often don't do what I really want and that I don't give myself so rarely the love I want and peaceful attitude. I often feel annoyed by the way my mind works and it feels frustrating to fight myself to death. It feels frustrating that I don't make peace and forgive myself and others and let things be. I eel the inner urge to feel better and I think that by understanding and changing my attitude and stopping repressing my needs and concerns I will be able to feel better and sleep better.  I have most time very discordant thoughts and so many of them that I don't even recognise it anymore as discordant. By changing my attitude in small ways I'm able to see it better. I feel slightly bored now. There is a slight bit of feeling contentment and I realise tat it feels unpleasent to focus on discordant thoughts and its acting on those what creates trouble. This gives rise to the feeling of hope that my situation is changable even though I have to deal with my injured knees for some time. I notice a slowly breaking out of this and it's imporant to give myself and others some kindness. I'm loking forward to tomorrow because I decided I will go home next morning and enjoy the day and learn more and practice more. I apreciate my friends and this place here and my family and our health care system. 

 

[Starlight]

I haven't slept  I've stopped taking the sleeping pills. So let's see how this night is going to be. The day itself was good though. I learnt a lot about stress and got a hot mat treatment for my back. In the afternoon we did a little trip to the botanical garden and after that a patient played songs on his guitar and we sang some songs. It was very nice. Now my knees hurt from the day. I hope it will improve more. I feel worried about it and I feel doubt wether it's gonna be alright till start of the new semester. I'm also uncertain if I'm will be mentally fit until then. I feel a bit disappointed about my state and how things are going. 

But there was also a moment where I could enjoy the moment and let it be alright. 

It feels frustrating to feel stuck and trying to change things and trying to get rest and clarity.  I feel impatient because I want to feel better and enjoy my live more. It's annoying to be in a unclear state and forgetting things and feeling stressed out. 

I feel pessimistic when I look forward to the next few weeks and my life.  I feel bored from doing and thinking all day the same stuff.  

 

 

[Starlight]

I'm greatful for the nice people and the help I get. I appreciate that another patient pushed me in a wheelchair through half the town and that I did some ordinary care free activities. I appreciate the singing and the caring attitudes. I appreciate the company and the unterstanding I get and the openess of the people working here.

[Starlight]

Today started with the feeling of despair because I hadn't slept the last few nights and I felt pissed off because of that and what a doctor said. But in the afternoon it was quite nice. I was outside with a wheelchair and did some activities and met with a friend and also my therapist went on a walk with me and pushed me around a bit. It was a nice day overall and I got some normality. I felt normal and had some fun and that felt really refreshing. 

 

I feel quite annoyed from the tiredness though. I can't wait to sleep again. I feel frustrated from not being able to sleep. I also feel frustrated from not getting what I want and not being able to walk around.  I feel pessimistic about my future and my health condition and the sleep deprivation. I feel pessimistic about the time here in the clinic and that they can't help me. I feel pessimistic about my relationships and life in general. I feel bored by all of this pessimism and focussing on those thoughts. I feel content because I noticed it is the one thing I don't need anything to do to feel it and now I feel hopeful again and see that there is a way out and hope for the future and my health. There is better feeling available. That gives rise to the feeling of optimism, that the things are handlble. I can do things and have a normal life. That makes me feel happy. I feel happy to have such nice friends who come to visit me and have a nice talk. I feel happy about having time to meditate and nice company. I feel also happy that I met here a nice woman and she has good vibes. I feel happy that people are so nice and push me around in the wheel chair, especially my therapist. I feel eager to spent more time with this woman. I feel passionate for self inquirery and being in nature. I feel love for this day and I love this good friend who visited me today. I feel appreciation towards the people here around and the great work the people working here do, especially my therapist. I appreciate the nice weather, that I'm capable to feeling good. I appreciate the food here. I also appreciate nature and my painting skills.

[Starlight]

Today was a good day. I slept more than 6 hours and I was quite chilled. 

 

I feela bit disappointed because I watched shit on the internet that feels bad  and sucks. It is annoying to feel the negativity from that and I feel impatience because I want to let that go. I feel frustrated from doing this again and deteriorating my mood. I also feel frustrated from being tired and doing things that don't feel good. I feel pessimistic about my sleep and doing negative things. I feel bored from this moment. I feel content from this moment. This gives rise to hope. I feel hopeful about my future, that it can change and that I can go to university and learn what is helpful and what isn't. This gives rise to optimism. I feel optimistic about my relationships. I switch to enthusiasm. I feel enthisiastic  about the weekend and the visit tomorrow. I feel passionate about meditation and painting and want to paint a picture this weekend.  I appreciate the people here and the opportunities here, I appreciate my friends and the visit at a garden today.