Expressing/Emptying/Creating

[Starlight]

Today I felt a lot of anger but the day was overly good. I was at university and despite the lack of sleep I could learn quite well. After that I was at the gym and trained my legs and had a call with a good friend. Right now my mind is running and I feel angry and stressed out but the last weeks were far worse.  I also notice a lot of attachment and aversion. I think I made it worse yesterday. 

 

I feel angry about my disability and the problems it causes. My little toes make some trouble and I hope that it will get better and that I find shoes that fit for them. it sucks to have to deal with that. There are many negative thoughts about it and pain. also my old knee injury troubles me a little. I feel a lot of hate about this and I feel angry and don't want to deal with it because it feels discouraging and it. I blame myself and the past. I blame the lack of a loving attitude during my upbringing. I think a lot of my health and how to improve it and I feel concerned about it. I feel worry because my mind is so unclear and fast. Also because I waste a lot of time in negativity and don't do what I want. I feel doubt because I don't know if I can live a happy live. I feel disappointed from myself and this summer and my emotions. I feel disappointed because I say and do stupid things. I feel disappointed because after 2 nights sleeping almost 8 hours I slept only 4 the last night. Now I feel overwhelmed from these emotions and listening to the thoughts. I feel annoyed by my headache and the exhaustion. I feel annoyed by the fly in my living room. I feel frustrated from my mind and the lack of sleep. I also feel frustrated from pushing feelings away. I feel impacience because I want to feel better and have good sleep and less pain and a slow and clear mind. I acknowledge the pessimistic attitude I have and the avoidence of feeling and thoughts. I allow myself to feel them.  I feel bored right now.  Now there is more anger. I feel angry because I made things worse by my own mindless behaviour and by avoiding thoughts and feelings. i feel too tired to do more. 

[Starlight]

I'll have some loving and compassionate thoughts instead.

[Starlight]

It came to mind that thinking loving thoughts is doing a loving thing and I feel better now

[Starlight]

Last night after university and helping good friends installing a kitchen I went to a colledge party but was very tired. There I drank only one shot but because it was the first time this year I drank I've got a hangover and also because ate a lot of junk food. I also noticed the the anger inside myself a lot

Edited July 2, 2022 by Starlight

[Starlight]

today I was in a happy state until a thought that I was in a bad state was believed and then I was in a bad state.

[Starlight]

Today was quiet mixed. At first I was fairly ok, then angry, then depressed. In the evening I did some yoga in a group and beig with the teacher delighted me, because she is a very energetic person.

 

Right now I'm quite present though, so I don't which feeling to choose. Memory says anger but if I let that thought pass then there is no anger. So let's start with contentment. Even though a lot of my live is messy I feel content right now with this moment. It feels and hopeful to feel emotions and not resisting them. I feel hopeful about being able to improve the felt feeling. I think it's gonna improve. I feel excited about the plans for this week and think that it's gonna be a nice week and that things will go well. I trust that things will turn out as they should and I need and will attract the oportunies and people to make my live happier and healthier. I'm feel eager to experience the evets of this week. I feel joyful right now and I appreciate the people around me, my family and friends. I make a note in my mind that I will use the scale more often. Being able to change the feeling feels empowering. I also feel lve towards my thoughts =)

 

[Starlight]

Right now I feel quite good because I didn't distracted myself this evening with porn. Instead I did a round vipassana and a round yoga and my energy level is quite high. Bevor I came home I felt depressed and tired and it felt negative. So I guess it's could be a game changer to take the time and do this in the morning. But on the other hand I guess that the medication gives me a hangover and that could be whats keeping me tired till afternoon. I'm also starting to notice that my body is quite tense and the breathing shallow and from the chest. Therefore I started relaxing consciously and breathing deep and slowly. It'll take some time though to learn to relax and ignore thought tracks.

 

There is a little discomfort and tiredness but I feel quite well. I accept it and feel content. It's good to feel better. That makes me feel hopeful. I feel optimistic about this night and I will try to move from the couch into the bed and see. I feel eager to experience tomorrow. I feel eager to see the child of my bf in a few days and I feel eager to going to university. I feel eager to socialising. I feel happy to be here and it's cool. I feel joyful breathing and maybe I'l do something for somebody else, just out of the blue. Having the energy feels empowering. I feel love towards life and myself. =)

[Starlight]

Right now I feel quite pissed. I havn't slept last night at all. I don't know. I just couldn't bring my mind to rest or I just don't fall asleep. I also noticed that my mind gets uindlessl and I'm listening to the thoughts without even noticing that I do that. Next time I'll do the yoga in the morning.  There also come a lot of anger up and I need a creative way to channel this energy. I notice that I feel so reactive that I can't relax and surpress and it's  happening so fast that I can't stop it. This feels so damn discouraging. I feel discouraged from being sleepless again. maybe I can do some improvements to micro management. There must be a way out. So I feel the worried. I feel worried how long this is gonna last. I feel disappointed because the last days it seemed to improve but one sleepless night can destabilize the situation again. This makes me feel angry because I don't want to go through this sh.t anymore. I want to sleep at least 10 hours straight.

[Starlight]

Now I feel better. I've been at a temple for an hour and did some vipassana there. I feel a lot of pain and think it's the anger. It was especially good because I didn't felt like doing it but still went there.

 

I feel angry. This much pain discourages me from doing stuff and I feel worried about my health situation. I feel doubt because I'm not sure how far the leg situation damages my hip and spine and I've got to check it at the doctor this and next month. I feel disappointed because I feel many hours angry and depressed and I'm not sure if I can socialise in that state. I feel demotivated to do things. I feel overwhelmed by this pessimism. I feel annoyed by this attitude and not giveng myself the care and love I need. I feel frustrated to go through the thick jungle again and again. I want to feel better. I feel very pessimistic about my life and the world in general. Now I feel bored by this moment. Now contentment arises. I feel hopeful, because I can actually feel better and my view has changed.  I believe I can get out and ave a good time and be able to sleep. I feel eager to go to the gym after university. If I find the time I will also go to the park to do yoga and juggling. I feel appreciation towards my friends, the temple and the hot milk I drank.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Starlight

[Starlight]

Right now I'm plugged in to feeling and it's alright. Today I went from going through depression, anger and now I feel quite good. There is anger still but I feel it and it's not that bad and I smile. I even got the number from a girl today and the tooth pain I had turned out to be harmless, so I don't have to worry about the teeth.

I feel angry because I have so much anger inside and repress it. I blame my upbringing and for today I blame the test exam which I didn't finish, or the pain itself. I feel worried because of the exams in 2 weeks and my career as a whole. I doubt that it's gonna be easy. I also doubt that I can channel my anger into something constructive.. I feel disappointed that I almost watched femdom pornos.. I stopped on my way to it because part in me saw how stupid it is. I hate that my anger manifests that way.  It makes me feel angry.

[Starlight]

I feel quite ok. I bought a nice picture for my apartment today. After that I've visited my cousin for the first time within  3 years and she lives in the same town.  She and her partner have a nice apartment with 2 big TV sets and two VR sets and we played a few games there. I noticed in myself the wish to acquire those things as well and to get more material comfort, because I live very basic and I need more ordenary stuff to get out of my head. But maybe the good thing was in visitting them. It is good to see that wish because and I think that I've been in a little bubble the last two 2 months and it was good in a way to have people around who don't know any of psychology and have a shallow conversation. The other side is that I see that all this material comfort brings them no relief with their internal problems and that they have many and they have some strong opinions. But it was a loving experience overall. It also took away some of my worries about career because she has started her career as bookkeeper with 40 and now earns well. I could also do the same.

 

I feel discouraged because I don't have this material comfort and it's hard work to get there. So I blame my bad health for not being able to work.  I feel worried about financial security and material comfort. I also feel worried because I'm going to meet a woman for a coffee tomorrow.  I feel doubt about my actual path in life and that I will be able to go on 5 more years with university and have so little money and such a basic life style. I want to work and be able to afford things and it feels depressing not to live how I want to. So I feel doubt. I feel disappointed from my life and myself and I wish I would take things in a way easier. I think a big part why I came out of my depression last time because I gave to myself what I needed and that was love and a relationship. I feel impatient to fulfill my desires. I also feel annoyed be the lack of those things. I feel frustrated. I feel pessimistic about my whole perspective on live. I also feel bored by this moment. I realize that feeling is in the now and it's ok. This feels hopeful. So I'm optimistic that it's going to be a good time tomorrow and I feel eager to meet this woman tomorrow and do the things to give myself the material comfort. I feel empowered and joy towards life.

[Starlight]

The day today was ok. I feel a bit like I've wasted my time on the date today but I'm sure that this woman won't do me any good because in retrospect I find it quite reckless how she behaved and I was quite stupid to go along. But I learned a few lessons and some red flacks. Tomorrow when I wake up I will cut ties and wish her a nice time.  But after I came home I was fairly motivated to do stuff and I've worked on my self. the apartment and planned studying 2 hours every day the following week.

 

I feel a little tired. I feel annoyed by a fly in my living room. I doubt that she will let me alone wen I go to bed. I also feel doubt  about my future and love live in general or should I first try to get the basic needs settled. I feel quite frustrated from not solving this and getting not enough sleep.  I feel my pessimistic attitude. Now I feel bored and I want to do something else. Ok it's alright now in the present. This gives rise to the feeling of hopefullnes. I believe that I can change my perspective and lowly a see it

 

[Starlight]

Today I feel better. The two nights before thelast one I Hadn't slept at all, the last night I slept about 5 hours. Due to the medication I have a hangover till afternoon. I noticed that it might be the wrong direction what I study and just noticed that tomorrow is the last day one can apply to sth else and I applied for business psychology because I'm more interested in it. If they take me I'll have time until september to decide it, but I just saw the opportunity and it felt better than what I now do and maybe I should try it for a semester to be able to compare. In the evening I did some yoga in the park and noticed that I was stuck in a thought story for a while and let it go and it was fine. I also noticed that selfishness in me and others is one thing. I guess the medication will put me asleep again. I assume that the medication plays a huge role in keeping the problem up, because before I got into this down, during the day I was mindful and could let go of it but I had trouble when I take them and then Icouldn't use consciousness to stop worrying and change direction and got to this state. When I tale medication my ego gets reactive because it doesn't recognise the tjought process anymore as such and that creates fear

 

I feel angry because of that. It feels discouraging to be lost in thought stories. I blame the medication and the subject I study for it. I'll grab worry and feel worried about the exams next week. I doubt what I learn will stick in my head till this days.  I feel annoyed by that. I want to have it done already.  I feel frustrated by having to learn this much and thinking about the exams. I also feel frustrated from the sleeping problem and the medication.  I also feel frustrated because I have no relationship. I feel frustrated because I haven't got the things I want and live the life I want.  I want to feel good. But I feel quite pessimistic. I feel bored by this moment. I notice that feeling is now and it's ok again. That makes me feel hopeful. It makes me feel hopeful to feel better and see that I have opportunities.  I feel optimistic for this night and for tomorrow. I feel happy when I think about the things I want to do tomorrow. I feel appreciation for the things I have like music and my instruments.

Edited July 14, 2022 by Starlight

[Starlight]

Today was a good day. I've been at university and then studying with fellow students. After that I went to the gym and then to the temple. I feel quite content. That makes me feel hopeful for the future. I appreciate that and the kindness of the monk. I rarely watch movies but I think it might be good to watch from time to time a few, so I signed up for netflix. I think I will enjoy the comedy. 

 

[Starlight]

I haven't written anything here for a while. Today the day itself was a good day. But right now I feel like shit. Today I met with a girl I was dating for a time and friends before that. I feel this deep love for her and to hold her in my arms felt so amazing and calming. But at the end of the day I told her my feelings and she changed and distanced herself from myself slightly. An hour ago she rejected me. I feel so sad, it breaks my heart and whats worse is that she is the type who won't reply or talk about it. It felt so good to hold her thought and to be myself. I'm in such a negative state right now and I feel so stressed out. I have slept so little this week and the exam wasn't that good. There is the possibility that I have messed it up. It's devastating how sad I feel. I hope that we will remain friends at least. I'm in this negative state and I attract these shitty results and I hate it and I don't know how to get out of this. When I get better I get into a cycle of bad beheaviors  and get more sleep prolems and that leads me straight back to this. I've scheduled to spend the next week completely in a buddhist monastry near the mountains and hope to come down a bit at this positive place. 

I'm also looking for another orthopedist for second opinion.

 

I feel super powerless because I feel stuck in this negativity and sleeplesnes. I feel very insecure that other people notice how I really feel and I'm trying o hide it. At the moment I feel insecure in general with my live and being with other people and I even feel hostile. I feel jealous about people who feel happy about their live and who have something going and aren't afraid and feel well. I envy people who have a loving relationship with a partner and this closeness, physical and emotional. I hate it. I feel hate towards people who see my state in public. I feel hate towards myself for being this way. I also hate the world for being this way and having so many grave obstacles and these mental and physical impairments. There is so much hate in my mind I think about destroying things and rage (only in thoughts).  In my mind the whole world burns in revenge and I acknowledge revenge. I feel hurt by this girl today and I feel the urge to hurt her feelings for hurting mine. I feel angry about her for not talking about emotions  and problems. I notice that I misinterpreted her beheavior today and that lead me into thinking that there would be a chance.  I still feel angry about it and I feel angry about my state and that I have all these problems and can't sleep. I feel angry because I feel angry and can't think straight and I feel so restless. Being stuck feels extremely discouraging. I feel discouraged  from the fighting and pain and feeling of alienation, I see so much to be fixed and this feels painful to think that way. I blame this girl today, the lack of sleep and my friends. I also blame the world, my doctor, my former therapist, the economy, and all my addictions and high expectations, I blame trhe lack of selflove and the negativity itself for this. I blame my upbringing, genetics. I also blame the upbringing of my parents and their's back to adam and eve and the big bang. I also blame this f. fish for coming on shore a few hundred million years ago. I blame all the wrong ideas I've acquired and civilization and this cartoon I watched when I was five and it said that doing a lot of healthy things was boring and there is a reason to resist that stuff. I blame the years of bullying in school and the people who told me I was stupid. I grab worrying and I feel worried because I have been writing here for an hour and it's time to sleep but I'm not done yet. I feel worried about the next week and that I get all the things done before I depart the day after tomorrow morning. I feel worried about my health and that I might not be able to sustain my live if I don't get enough rest. I feel worried about the economy and my carrier and that I won't be accepted if I showed my suffering to someone.  I suffer a lot right now.  I feel worried that Ieat enough because I simply forget. I feel doubt that I wont get out and waste more months and can't enjoy life. I feel doubt that I will sleep better this night. I feel doubt that I will be happy and live freely. I feel doubt that I will relax. I doubt that I can be so loving to myself as I was to her. It felt great to be loving.  I feel disapppointed about myself and life. I feel disappointed because about being rejected and my expectations being shettered. I feel disappointed from this summer and being still stuck. Being that disappointed is extremely painful, it's almost overwhelming. I feel overwhelmed from the pain and sorrow. It's too much. It feels frustrating not getting what I want and to fight and to focus on the negative things. I feel frustrated from the discordent thoughts and not seeing anything else.  I feel irritated from this and my day. I feel irritated from the thoughts. I want to feel betterand I'm getting a bit impatient. I acknowledge that I focus on discordent thoughts and nothing positive can come from them. I feel the pessimism and that is exactly how it feels like. I'm getting slowly back to the moment and I notice the feeling of boredom. I relax a bit and resist the impulse to disctract myself and notive, this is the key. Oh yeah, I remember it was just a thought construct and the feeling of contentment comes up. Right now I feel contentment with life and how it unfolds, that's so strange. I feel better and thus hopeful. I feel about my future and confident that this tool can help me out if I do it more consistently. I feel hope that with time I'll find the right relationship. I'd also had forgotten all the good stuff that happened like meeting new nice people, approaching a girl, becoming godfather and seeing this sweet boy. So I feel optimistic. I feel optimistic about the future and my path. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I feel happy that I have such good friends who help me and I enjoy the time. I feel happy doing social activities and I feel eager to get more of this and develope intimate relationships of all kind, I feel eager to practice some music tomorrow to express myself. This feels empowering. It feels empwering to change how I feel and looking at live from another pov. I appreciate the time I've got, my friends and family, that I do activities, this day and water melone I got. I appreciate that I know better what I want.

 

 

 

I feel better after writing this. 

[Starlight]

hey, it's been a long time since I last wrote an entry here. I'm planning to journal again regularly, starting today. The sleep problems kept coming and because of that I'm stationary right now, but on a therapeutical station, not the crisis intervention station. On the retreat a month ago I hurt me knees badly so I can barely walk and bend my knees. This will take quite some time to heal and after that happened I lost it a bit because I couldn't get sufficent food home so I had to ask friends to brings stuff around. 

At the monastry it became obvious how much I try to please others and project my expectations on them and then suffer from overwork or boundary-wise, I also saw how I cross my limits and then anger comes up. I also saw how in denial I'm of how bad my injuries are and that I don't acknowdledge it.

more tomorrow...

[Starlight]

I also saw a lot of hidden self pity which I project outwards. 

Right now I'm in a hospital because of my sleeping problems and I've also injured my knees at the monastry and it's hard to even walk and I can't bend my legs. That really sucks and I have no idea how I did that or I know. I have crossed my own limits and inert boundaries.  

I feel ashamed that I got into this situation and that deep.  I feel guilty for letting this happen.  Here the people treat me very benevolent and I mistake this for pity. I also feel unworthy of this nice treatment and I feel insecure. I feel jealous of other people who have it easier in live and have it made. I also envy people for their health. When I think about my physical state I feel rage and I hate it. I hate how I treat myself and I hate being afraid of all the shit. I hate that I get panic from my knee. I hate the threat it poses to my future and that it will take months or to get better and even a year. I hate the insecurity I'm in. I also feel hate towards this whole situation and the sleep deprivation which makes me act stupidly. I hate my current perspective. I also hate my false accomodating smiles and the disability. It makes me angry not being able to do things I like and want and not being able to walk. I feel angry that all the training I've done is undone within am few weeks rest. I feel angry about my disability and having to put up with it and comparing myself to others which puts me under pressure. I feel angry because I stand in my own way too much and can't let go of it. This whole situation feels so darn discouraging. It feels like fihting against wind mills and I blame myself for not being honest enough to myself and others. I also blame  myself for not being assertive enough.  I blame this situation and the long corridors in this hospital. I blame god and this guy who snorted last night. I blame the doctor who treated my knee when it got hurt the time before. My body worries me. I feel worried about my knees and feet and my whole body.  I feel worried about my carrer and that I won't get out of this sh.t.  I feel doubt wheter I will get out soon. I also feel doubt because I will look stupid for sharing this. I feel doubt that I will attain my goals and regain my mobility. I feel doubt wheter I can be with this fear. I feel really disappointed of this summer and myself. I feel disappointed because I got in this situation. I feel disappointed from live and the buddhist nun who meant me way out was through suffering. This situation feels quite overwhelming. I feel overwhelmed from it and it feels like too much.  I'm running out of patience to get better and ok again. It feels so very frustrating to go through all that and not living and enjoying live. I want to enjoy live and let go of all this.  I aknowledge that my perspective is very pessimistic. I have a very pessimistic outlook on live in general. But I don't know what to do about it.  I feel a bit boredom. I come nto the now slowly and notice that it's about a future that doesn't exist. That gives rise to hope.  I feel hope that it will change. I feel hopeful to sleep better this night.  I expect to change for the better slowly. Even though it will be tough. I feel eger to socialise a bit here.  I appreciate the help I get and the people around me. I also appreciate this forum here.

 

Thx Nahm.

[Starlight]

Today I feel quite ok. I was in fear for a few hours because of my knee injury because it got irritated. therapies were good and I got good advice. I also got good news from my dentist, that an inflamation in a tooth root is healing. I'm also starting to notice that I put my happiness and especially my well being behind others and that sucks. I also put my wellbeing certain goals and I haven't seen the greater connection of it. It's like standing up for ones needs against the needs of other parts in me and others or expectation in general and general not so much taking care of my well being. 

 

I feel a bit angry realizing that I 've been constantly doing it.  I feel angry about this and often when my knee hurts I first get fear up to panic and this turns easily into anger. All this fighting makes me feel discouraged and I want so rest from it. I blame partly me for this and that I didn't see it. I also blame people fr exploiting this and being the reason I'm in projects often overworked. I blame this charakteristik for holding me back in life. My health situation worries me very much and I lose precious time. I also worries me that I didn't get a better social network. I doubt to be physically be able to go to university in mid oktober.  I feel disappointed from my beheaviour and I rest too little. I feel disappointed from not being able to sleep long and good.I also feel annoyed by my negativity. I feel irritated from my injury and want it to get better as fast as possible. I also feel sometimes annoyed from persons and I don't tell that or that I'd rather do something else. 

I notice that I feel pessimistic about my view on life. I also feel bored. Now the feeling of contentment arises. I feel content right ni´ow, sitting here and typing these words. This gives rise to hope, as the better feeling is seen. I hope that I will tho this exercise more often.  I feel hope for the fututre and feel that change is possible.  I feel optimistic that things can and will be better eventually. I feel happy to be here and eagerness for doing someting here with people and connecting a bit. I also looking forward to go to a ice garden around the corner and meditations tomorrow. It feels empowering to change your mood and seeing what I want, namely happiness, wellbeing, health.  I appreciate the tea in front of me, all the people here, my family, my best friend and her baby, 

 

Today it was good to see that even though me knees are worse tody that I was able to go to the docotre and that I saw these traits in me.

 

[Starlight]

Oh sit. I went into extreme tension and anxiety this evening. I became mindful and saw that this level of stress geht interpreted trhough thoughts into feelings accourding to its intensity. I have also seen for a few minutes that this projection is keeping the stress up and when I see it it becomes less. I also saw that it doesn't make a difference if this a a positive thing or a negative in some way because it really depends on the level of thrill and it gets colored by the feeling and therefore there is no problem but thinking makes it so. So sit there for half an hour and disbelieved the thoughts and I started to relax a bit. It also seems that almost all of thinking is dependent of this thrill level and it is often just there in an implicit way. I also saw that the good depends of the bad. Even talking about it recreates the problem. The thing is just that I'm unaware of this most of the time, especially with this little sleep. I also notice that wanting to talk about this is believing in it and therefore keeping it alive.

[Starlight]

This day was mostly boring. But in the evening the underlying tension came up and I noticed that I suppress a lot and I'm in mental pai so it's time for emptying.

So here we go.

I feel powerless due to my situation. I fear that I'm going crazy from the lack of sleep and my hurt knees. I can't bend them and can only little walk. That makes me feel desperate and I see how much I suffer. It's almost unbearable. I feel trapped in this and that there is no way out. I also feel guilty because I unintentionally took some fruits from another patient and I'm afraid that she will hate me for it. I will settle this later but I feel very insecure because of this. and when I talk here with other people. I want them to like me. I feel also jealous of healthy people and my room mate who seems to connect with the others easily. I struggle with that because I'm too exhausted.  I also envy the other patients for being able to go outside and doing activities I'd love to do too. I hate having to sit and rest my knees all day long. I hate this mental state and myself for doing mistakes. I hate life for being so hard on me. There is also a patient I hate as well. I hate my bad health and that I put the needs of other people before mine. But I hate most that other people might dislike or hate me. But on the other hand I hate putting so much effort into keeping myself in a good light. I hate it. I hate this whole thing. It makes me angry. I feel angry because this approach seems only to avoid conflicts but I still don't get what I want. I also feel angry because I take sleeping pills and they don't work and I'm not stable enough to drop them. I feel angry because I made my situation worse. I feel angry because I don't get the connection with other people which I want. I feel angry that I took that fruit and make a fuss about it. I also feel angry because I have these thoughts and know that they don't make sense but that's how I feel. I feel angry because I can't do activities with the rest of the group. It feels good to let the thoughts play out. I feel like wanting to get some revenge. There is so much more anger, but I'll move on to discouragement. I feel discouraged from all the fighting and set backs. I feel discouraged from how life turns out. It discourages me not being able to sleep and having to rely on sleeping pills. I feel discouraged from not being able to walk around. I feel discouraged from my inabilities and the challenges of life. it's so tiring to fight and keeping all that going. I'll blame life for that and my fellow patients for how I feel. I'll blame the nurse for being blunt. I blame this state. I worry about the opinions of my fellow patients and other people. I worry what tey might think and that they might dislike me. I feel worried because of the lack of sleep and I am afraid that it will destroy my future and carrer. I'm afraid that I won't be able to concentrate when university begins and also because I should start to learn but I can neither concentrate nor remember well right now and I feel like the time is running out. So I feel doubt that I can make it and live a happy and fullfilling life.  I doubt myself and my decisions and that I take the right way. I also doubt that I can be liked when I' don't please people. I also doubt that my situation will be improved here. When I please people I often feel disappointed from myself and that it often doesn't work. I feel disapointed from live in general and myself. I feel disappointed because I can't do what I want and from all the supressing I often feel overwhelmed so I push it away. I feel super overwahelmed by this negativity and I feel frustrated from not getting what I want from live and not doing the things I like. It frustrates me to please other people because I put their feelings first and making my happiness dependend on them.  It irritates me to focus on what others want and not what I do want. I feel negative from al this worrying and pessmistic thinking. I feel bored from this moment and I feel so tired. I notice that its negative thoughts I hold on to and they feel how they feel and now contentment arises. That gives rise to some hope that I can improve at least how I feel aaand it becomes obvious that I can always feel better. I feel optimistic about the future. That I will make friends. I also notice that it's nice coincident that my room mate is a former friend and it would be nice to be friends again. I will learn something here for sure and it will help one way or another. It's positive that I don't have some company and people to talk to here. I also have time to paint and play instruments. I feel happy to be here and be alive. I feel happy to be aware. So I feel empowered again to do things. I feel empowered to talk about issues. I appreciate this place here and the people around. I appreciate this day and that I learnt something. I also appreciate my roommate.