Expressing/Emptying/Creating

[Starlight]

Almost none sleep last night. :(

[Starlight]

My day actually was good even though I'm too tired to write a lot. I feel overstressed from the work in my report. I finally acknowwedged that it makes things worse, so I stopped the work. After I made the decision I feel better and it's ok. I saw that I do and think many things that stress me out. I want to do more things which help me relax and get on a better trajectory. 

 

I feel annoyed because I didn't stop earlier but this is a first step to putting health on the first place. I noticed that there is a pattern where I force far to much and this makes me feel frustrated. I want to allow it more to come on its own accord. 

I acknowledge that I focus on too many negative thoughts and I feel the discord. 

I give attention to this moment and I become more aware and calm. I feel bored. 

Now I feel ok. I see that when there is a reaction due to resistance to thought a chain of pessimistic thoughts starts. At this moment I feel good. It feels good to feel better and I see that it's alright and I remember that feeling is in the now and not a thought hehe.  That's an optimistic thought. I can always feel better and it's actually quite easy. I'll find a good solution for more studying and maybe I'll go to a lake for a swim after university. Maybe I'll sleep better this night. I'll do something that makes me happy and enjoy myself more and  I intend taking better care for myself and listen to myself. 

I want to feel passionate about my life. 

I appreciate my friends who support me and with who I have had beautiful experiences.

 

[Starlight]

Good morning :)

I slept far better this night. I've noticed that it feels good giving things up. Yesterday the report and last weekend the date. It's like bricks falling off of my bag. It has a good taste and I want more of it. I think this letting go is the same as when you do dating a lot or dealing with people in general until the point where you've given up  trying to impress the other person.

[Starlight]

Ohh holy shit. I don't know exactly what's happening but I feel soo darn good. I've been at the lake for a swim and then I meditated and appreciated the momebt and then in the train letting go happened and it feels soo f. good,  almost like a cosmic orgasm, just out of the blue. Just like a wave between tension and good feeling, vibrating. This is better than sex and it's ok. 

Might be because I put feeling first today.

See ya later✌

 

[Phil]

[Starlight]

@PhilThx my man! I really appreciate that👊

6 hours ago, Phil said:

 

[Starlight]

After this beautiful day I feel quite good.

There are some thoughts that feel discordant but it's ok. 

I'm looking forward to meeting the yoga girl tomorrow. Let's see what's gonna happen. 

Oh, worry about this night comes up right now. I feel doubt about making up for the sleep. I doubt this will be an relaxing night.

Now I feel disappointment because I started worrying. It's annoying to start this again. I feel frustrated because my mind grabbed that thought. I also feel impatience because I want to feel better and then go to sleep and I feel tired. 

To think this way feels quite pessimistic. 

Boredom  comes up.

And back again at contentment. 

I start to feel optimistic because I feel better right now.

If I do this often enough it will vome more easily I think.

I'm looking forward to my bed now. 

I appreciate myself for making the "effort' to change direction

 

[Starlight]

I feel right disappointed and angry right now. I have changed my medication  because I slept less due to the stress last week but fron the medication I feel quite numb and unclear. I don't feel my emotions and I hate it. It's like all the mindfullness work I've done the last 2 years were obliterated within a few hours. I've taken some medication earlier but right now this is crap. The problem I see in that is that I'm more acting out unhealthy beheavor patterns.

It sucks not seeing ones thoughts. I also feel angry because when I felt better I invited friends for lunch and this is the last chance to do so because they're moving away next week and I promised it. I feel overstressed and have the desire to rest. My feeling is telling me do less and put your health first. 

It's making me angry when I don't do that.

Doing this and not knowing what I want or which way is up is tremandously discouraging. I feel discouraged because I have so many things to do an no energy. I feel disencouraged from all the fighting and having so many thoughts about what has to be done.

I feel discouraged from running in circles and not knowing what to do.

A thought comes to mind that the state can't see beyond the state.

I worry about whether my guests will be pissed off when they come and the food isn't ready on time. I worry about if I can clean my apartment on time and if not what my guest might think about me. The amount of stress and worry is also concerning. the instability and lack of sleep trouble me, too. 

I doubt the visit of my friends is a good thing, particuliarly because the guy has adhs and this might stress me some more. I doubt that I'll find a way out. I doubt myself and I'm not sure if I can see and do what is right for me.

It sucks not fullfilling ones expactations and I have so many. It seems that the worries are my expactations. I feel disappointed because it's not going as I planned. Life disappoints me. I feel also disappointed for not knowing what's good for me. 

It is painful to see that. I wish life would be easier.

It's irritating to be in this state and not being more mindful.

I feel frustrated for doing this over and over again. It's also frustrating that I barely notice my thoughts and feelings. It's annoying to feel the hangover from the medication. 

I want to feel better. 

My attitude is very pessimistic.

I'm looking around and feel boredom. It's boring to do the same things again and again.

Now contentment arises.

It's good to feel better and I noticed it's not that bad. I see that I can handle things and maybe it's gonna be alright. I notice that all this internal conflicts are what robs the energy. Also wanting to improve things creates pain

[Starlight]

My mind got even number today. Last night I woke up quite a few times. I had some PTSD nightmares and slept only little. The medication sucks and my feelings and thoughts are numbed by the medication which is shit because the pain remains and I can't listen to the thoughts and understand.

So I feel quite depressed. I feel depressed because I barely sleep and not deep and because I feel overstressed. It makes me feel helpless. 

I feel guilty for not doing enough about this situation. 

I envy peoole who can just relax and sleep in all day long. I'm also jealous for people who get more support from their friends. I want to feel loved and cared for. 

I hate this situation. It makes me angry to fight all the time. I wish I could stop it. That feels quite discouraging. It's discouraging to be in this state and not finding a good solution. I blame the change of medication for making things worse. I also blame myself for not being able to relax. 

Oh yeah, I also blame life itself for being this way. 

I worry about my condition a lot because otherwise I could have a much better time and the power to do the things I like and want to do. There are so many things I have to keep in check. Several areas of health, my apartment, my career and my plants. I worry that it might get worse.

I doubt that I will get out of this easily. I'm also not sure whether I will sleep this day better. 

Let's grab the next feeling. I feel disappointed of this summer. A few weeks ago everything seemed alright and I even successfully finished my therapy and I could let go of that stuff and focus on life and now a big step backwards. 

The whole situation is just overwhelming. It's annoying. I feel frustrated from doing this again. Also from being so reactive. I acknowledge that this is all pessimistic thinking and it feels that way.

I try to come to this moment and I feel bored by it. I feel better now. There are pleasebt vibrations in my feet. 

The headache remains though.

That gives me some hope about the situation. Maybe I'll sleep better this night and slowly come out of it. Tomorrow I will do sth pleasent. 

Maybe I'll visit a friend. I also plan to paint a picture if I have some time. I appreciate my friends, this forum and the tea I bought today. 

 

 

[Starlight]

It's time for emptying.

I feel quite bad. I made my state worse and I think that I've found the problem. I've also found out that thinking about it adds on to it or making it a problem. 

I feel angry that I made my state worse while not being aware of it. That sucks a lot. But I don't want to make me more angry about it or else I get more stressed and being less able to sleep. 

I feel worried about this and my health. 

I feel disappointed about myself and the whole situation. 

It's quite overwhelming. 

I feel annoyed by it and its frustrating to do this all over again. 

I see the whole thing very pessimisticly. 

I feel bored and tired. 

Now I come to the present moment and I feel ok and I know that I've been stuck in a negative loop and there is a way out. I feel happy when I look around and see all these things I can do. Tomorrow I plan to go to the lake. This will be fun. 

 

[Phil]

 The tiny change at the root, from I feel angry to I feel anger, or from ‘I make me angry’ to “I feel anger’, is a whole plant changer. 🙂 

 

[Starlight]

Today was a nice day. there is a lot of unclarity and tiredness though. First I started out feeling annoyed because I went to the park and the girl I was doing yoga with forgot to call off our pratice appointment but fortunately I texted her that I was late and she replied emmediately and told me so I hadn't gone all the way there. Therefore I enjoyed myself at a lake swimming and doing yoga there. At the lake I met a russian woman (in her forties) and we chilled out for a few hours and had fun. After that we had been hiking for an hour through the forest and she showed me some wild leaves to make tee and picked up wild berries. It was nice to enjoy her company for the most times. She also accompanied me for a part of the way home. During our time in the tram she came up with some wacky conspiraciy theories and had some very  of feeling opinions though, therefore a was fairly lucky when we parted ways again 😙 It was very a pleaseant experience. 

 Let's start empytying:

I feel annoyed because I'am super tired and I ate lunch at 7:15 pm and have to wait until I can take my medication. I also reverted back to the old medication even though  it's not the best but at least I will have more clarity to get into a better state and feel the feelings until the pressure lessens. I feel frustrated because I feel so much pain in my head. I just noticed that the pain changes slightly when I shift the attitude towards it and I remember that the "negative" comments are part of this feeling in a loop. I feel bored right now and plop, I remember that feeling is now and I feel better and better. 👍and there is the feeling of hope to feel better and better and I can  relax a bit and I also remember the nice things I want to do like practicing some kashakas and look for furniture for my apartment and listening to some cool music and have some nice thoughts.I feel eager to to the things I like and enjoy some soft ice. I feel eager for tomorrow and the activity I'm going to with somebody. I feel appreciation this day, this forum, my plants and flowors and I know it's ok. I feel even loved. When the thoughts change the energy returns and I feel happy and joy. I feel empowered to do things and create  my life. 😁 It's strange how the word can can change within a short time. I'm now aware that this is a story I created in my mind or even I don't know who created it. 

 

[Starlight]

Today was a good day. I have been at the open door day of a thai tempel with a friend today. then I was swimming with two friends at a waterpark and then eating burger. I really apreciate it and them. It felt so good to do normal things and live. I also did some yoga. 

 

Right now I feel very tired but quite good. There is a feeling of annoyance though. I feel annoyed to have a headache. It's interesting I seem to recreate it when I remember it and focus on it. Maybe I'll find out what's it all about. Maybe the feeling is telling me something else. 

I feel annoyed by the tiredness and want to sleep well. I fell frustrated sleeping little and shallow. I also feel frustrated because I tried to hide a negative state today and thereby put myself under pressure.  I feel pessimistic about that. I notice pessimistic thought like not being acceptable as I am and that I have to impress her led to that situation. This feels very pessimistic. I acknowledge that I often feel pessimistic thoughts and while being focused on them I am not thinking the things I like and want to do.

I feel bored right now. 

Now I remember that feeling is now and I'm alright again. I recognise that I can only feel now and it's alright. This realization gives rise to the feeling of hopefulness and being able to feel better and being able to do something and this arouses the feeling optimism. I feel optmistic that I can do something with my life and enjoy it and that my state is improving slowly and that I take care of the things I want to do and have the energy.

This feels empowering. It also feels empowering to notice thoughts and check them. It feels good to think optimisticly. I feel appreciation because I can do something. I feel appreciation towards my friends, this forum, phil for helping the people,  I even feel appreciation for my accident because I changed tracks and despite of the heavy consequences my life is far better and I have people around that really like me and a deep connection with them. I feel love towards myself and I realize that I do put in the effort because I love myself. I love my family and my dearest friends. 🙂

so have a good night 😊

[Starlight]

I feel better right now. I'm quite tired though. I felt very sad and depressed today. But I called a friend and feel better now. Right now I feel worried about the university and my carrier and the relationsships that change right now. I feel doubt about the direction in my live and that I can attract the right people. I feel disappointed about my reactions towards people and that they will be turned off by me. I feel disappointed about the state of my mind and that I can make better use of my time. I feel doubt about  that the friendship with the yoga teacher will last long and I will sleep enough. I feel doubt that I can get out of my patterns. 

That all feels super overwhelming to me. I feel frustrated to get in depressive thinking patterns and anger. It feel frustrating to think that negatively. I feel annoyed by it. I feel impatient and I want change. I want human connections and more friends where I live because right now most of them are moving a way. Ialso to facing  my disability and the emotions is super annoying. 

I recognice that thinking these thoughts feels pessimistic. I feel bored right. Now I came back to the moment and I feel cntentment. This give raise to the feeling of hope to feel better. Maybe the relanship with the yogateacher will not completely go down. Tomorrow in the university will be nice. I feel appreciation towards  this yoga girl, my learning today and the tes I want to drink.

[Starlight]

Right now I feel hopeless and powerless and depressed. It's like a black cloud. I'll grab guilt and feel guilty and worthless because I can't get out of this and I have the feeling that this turns people off and I feel insecure in this situation and want to get something to hold on to.  I feel jealous about people who don't have to struggle like me and don't feel depressed or people whose mind doesn't run on 100 mph. I feel envy for people who have more money, stability or can relax and take it easy. I feel hate when I think about that and I feel hate when I think how lonely I feel. I hate it. I hate this negativity. I hate barely being able to cencentrate and not being in the right mood for socialisation. I feel hateful about my health issues. I feel angry that I consumed so much negativity in the past and I feel angry that I take to little care for myself and treat myself so bad. I feel angry because a freshly made friend with positive vibes's gonna move away. I feel angry because I feel stuck in this negative headspace and I have no clarity of mind. I feel dicouraged when I think about all the negativity I feel and all the fighting. I blame myself and this state and fd. I blame the ptsd and my upbringing and my karma. I also blame my health and the unhealthy structure of society. 

I feel worry about my career and the learning for university. I feel worried because there is a lot of emotional pressure and this anger manifests as pain. I feel worried about my health. I feel worried about all the things I have to keep in check. I feel worried about my stress level. 

I feel doubt about my mood and if I can do the things I want to do this summer. I'm not sure if I can work on my dating skills this summer. I doubt myself and some of my friends advice. I feel doubt about what I study. 

I feel disappointed because of this negative state and that this makes going out so much more difficult. I feel disappointed from the world, this summer, my health, university, some of my friends, I feel disappointed because I'm so unorganised and I afraid.  thinking this way feels overwhelming. I feel annoyed by going through this again, but however I feel better, I feel annoyed from my neighbor, I feel frustrated from all the negativity, I want to think other thoughts.I want to feel better! I acknowledge that all this feels pessimistic. I acknowledge my pessimistic outlook on the world. Now I feel bored.By allowing this feeling contentment arises. I feel hopeful now because I feel better and maybe it's not all that bad. Right now it doesn't seem so. Let's just take a moment to focus upon what goes well: My health is actually many fold better than a year ago, not to mention 2 or 3 or 4. I experience happyness and have hobbies I like and friends I really appreciate. I actually have lot's of possibilities and gonna rock the boad on the weekend. Right now my circumstances allow me to have more time to do things I like and that's great. I'm gonna sleep better and I actually sleep better than the last weeks. I appreciate this moment, my friends, the weather, nature and my apartment. It feels good to feel better.

[Starlight]

Today I feel quite well. There were some depresdive thoughts but I came to feeling and it feels quite good. I've been at the tempel and have begun reading the book "the big leap" and there was an allowing of feeling on my way home and there is energy. I've noticed a pattern that when I feel great for longer periods I sabotage me.

I now remember the good stuff and attitudes so I feel good and I'm optimistic that it's gonna be better and better. That's so cool. The pessimism didn't stick and it was all about feeling. 

I feel optimistic that I will sleep better and enjoy the activities I've planned and I think this is a right way and that's about allowing good feeling and things to happen.  So I feel happy right now and I'm eager for live.  That feels empowering and I enjoy the moment. I feel joy when I think about the party I'm going to tomorrow evening. I feel love towards my friends and family appreciation

I feel very constructive.

[Starlight]

That's interesting. After watching porn I feel depressed and angry but I accepted the feeling and that's just how I feel after it and that's how things are and not the thing itself and there is happiness.

Edited June 25, 2022 by Starlight

[Starlight]

Today was a good day. I did some meditation and yoga and studied a bit. Also last night was fun. 

But I feel angry right now. I noticed that it is just a thought. I feel discouraged when I think that the inner fightig has started again. I'll blame the violence that I consumed in my life for that and move on to worry. I feel worried because of my sleep and carrier and feel doubt about whether I really like it or if there is something I enjoy more. 

I feel disappointed that I don't handle life better in general and I feel disapointed from my health. 

It feels painful and overwhelming to think that way.

I feel frustrated going through this again. I want to sleep well. I feel pessimistic about my life and how it's unfolded so far. 

Now I feel bored and an instant later contnentment arrived which give rise to hope and a positive outlook how things are hoing to onfold. I feel happy to be here and I appreciate it

 

[Starlight]

I didn't sleep last night but right now I feel quite good. I've watch some inspiring clips of creative people and notice that I want that, too. I want to find a way I can get a living out of something I enjoy. But forst I have to find things I love. I noticed that my gead gets clearer at evenings, might be due to medication. 

 

There is still some anger left. So I'll start with feeling anger because my neighbor makes me feel annoyed. 

I feel frustrated when I hear her shriekish voice. I'd rather go to bed. Now I feel bored. I allowed the feeling and feel content. This gives rise to the feeling of hope. I can do stuff I like doing a d find a way. I feel happy right now and I believe that my feeling can help me in the right direction. Right now I feel passionate about creating my live I want. That feels empowering. I appreciate that, the inspiring clips and my friends. I feel love towards my family, my plants and my relationships. 

 

[Starlight]

Last night I slept better. I feel angry about my foot situation right now. It's hard to find new shoes that fit well and don't hurt and I've spent hours in shops and I've to spent more time there. That sucks. Also I feel a lot of anger and that manifests in pain in the body.

 

I feel anger because of my foot situation. I also feel angry about the doctor who operated me and messed up the little one of the toes which sticks out to the side and makes trouble for me. 

It feels discouraging to think about all the things that aren't right and need to be fixed. I also feel discouraged about more physical exercises I got to do. 

I blame the doctors and myself for that and not to forget our insurance system. 

I feel worried about my feet and health in general. I feel worried about the stuff I want to do. I doubt that I my feet stay stable. I feel doubt whether I take the right direction in life. 

I feel disappointed from life and myself for not giving me the love I deserve and being rude and angry inside. I feel disappointed from our medical system and not taking more responsibility for myself. On the other hand I know I'm going through a rough time right now, so it's understandable.

I feel overwhelmed from this much responsibility and things I have to take care of.

I feel annoyed from it and I feel frustrated from my negative judgements.

I acknoledge that all this feels pessimistic. I also feel bored. Slowly the feeling of cententment comes up. This give rise to hope. So it's only half as bad as I thought.