What to do when the bad habits start to increase.

[Kevin]

So lately I haven’t been living my life how I want to live. I’ve starting taking edibles which has led to me not working out and it’s also led to eating junk food and not cooking my own food. I think this has happened because I’ve been feeling depressed and pessimistic.

 

In my assessment I haven’t liked how I’ve been feeling and I’m not excited or looking forward to anything. Everything seems like it’s not going to work out and I’ve been experiencing lots of fear. The edibles provide some comfort physically. They make my body feel relaxed which is nice but basically it seems like things are snowballing in a bad direction.

 

I think I want to live life a certain way but at the moment all I want is to feel safe and I guess I’m avoiding bunch of stuff that I can’t identify. Like I can see from my behavior in hiding and avoiding but I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to get past this.

[Mandy]

If you made one small change tomorrow moving towards what's wanted, which would be the most exciting to make?

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

If you made one small change tomorrow moving towards what's wanted, which would be the most exciting to make?

I think I would wake up earlier and go to the gym

[Mandy]

10 hours ago, Kevin said:

I think I would wake up earlier and go to the gym

It's as simple as making an intention to do that, to set your alarm at a time that's a bit earlier than you've been getting up and doing 10 minutes of push ups and planks or whatever exercises on the floor. 

 

"How I am", and "how I've been doing", is a seductive thought story that leads us into believing that there's a problem when all there is is a desire. Express the desire, give focus to that, and the stuckness or the funk you've been in lately is no longer the case. You don't need what you want to feel good, which disallows feeling good, all that you need to feel good is to be moving in the direction of it. The me in time story is what hijacks the simplicity and instantness of it. 

 

"I'm a bad parent", is a world of difference to "I want to go to take my kid to the park and spend time with him/her". 

 

"I'm lazy" is a world of difference to "I want to try a new exercise plan or a sport that I find fun and challenging." 

[Phil]

Share one previous post which is a sincere expression of the true nature of your being here. 

[Kevin]

On 9/5/2024 at 6:01 AM, Phil said:

Share one previous post which is a sincere expression of the true nature of your being here. 

Idk I would say I try my best to always express truthfully what I’m feeling. However I think you are asking me to share a post where I express full love and acceptance for life. Truthfully idk if I have a post like that here.

[Kevin]

On 9/5/2024 at 4:13 AM, Mandy said:

It's as simple as making an intention to do that, to set your alarm at a time that's a bit earlier than you've been getting up and doing 10 minutes of push ups and planks or whatever exercises on the floor. 

 

"How I am", and "how I've been doing", is a seductive thought story that leads us into believing that there's a problem when all there is is a desire. Express the desire, give focus to that, and the stuckness or the funk you've been in lately is no longer the case. You don't need what you want to feel good, which disallows feeling good, all that you need to feel good is to be moving in the direction of it. The me in time story is what hijacks the simplicity and instantness of it. 

 

"I'm a bad parent", is a world of difference to "I want to go to take my kid to the park and spend time with him/her". 

 

"I'm lazy" is a world of difference to "I want to try a new exercise plan or a sport that I find fun and challenging." 

You’re totally right. I think I just need to orient more towards what can go right rather than what can go wrong. I was getting wrapped up in negativity and only seeing how things can go badly. Today I haven’t done edibles and I went and did Jiu Jitsu so I got my exercise in and I feel a little better.

[Phil]

13 hours ago, Kevin said:

Idk I would say I try my best to always express truthfully what I’m feeling. However I think you are asking me to share a post where I express full love and acceptance for life. Truthfully idk if I have a post like that here.

 

On 9/4/2024 at 5:52 PM, Kevin said:

In my assessment I haven’t liked how I’ve been feeling

 

Maybe it’s more about how aspects of your experience feel, not per se - how you feel. Maybe you’re the most amazing feeling possible, and this is why some thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, actions, behaviors, etc don’t resonate. 

[Blessed2]

Small well-being oriented daily routines build up the better feeling momentum.

 

Like for example, plan a healthy breakfast with food you like and feel great about and eat the same thing every morning.

 

Wake up at the same time every day.

 

Stream journaling 20 minutes every day.

 

And meditation every day of course.

 

Stuff like that. Small daily steps you can regularly take even if sometimes you go off rails with the edibles or junk food.

 

[Mandy]

13 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Small well-being oriented daily routines build up the better feeling momentum.

 

Like for example, plan a healthy breakfast with food you like and feel great about and eat the same thing every morning.

 

Wake up at the same time every day.

 

Stream journaling 20 minutes every day.

 

And meditation every day of course.

 

Stuff like that. Small daily steps you can regularly take even if sometimes you go off rails with the edibles or junk food.

 

My problems are particularly bad, and that won't help me. I've tried those things, and they don't help me. Maybe they help other people, but I'm not like that. You don't know what it's like to be me. 

[Kevin]

9 hours ago, Phil said:

 

 

Maybe it’s more about how aspects of your experience feel, not per se - how you feel. Maybe you’re the most amazing feeling possible, and this is why some thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, actions, behaviors, etc don’t resonate. 

Yeah could be. Seems likely even. I did was I thought was gonna be a light trip last night. I took 1.5 and it was actually super intense. I hit a crazy fear barrier. Fear is interesting. It seems like baked into fear there’s an aspect of an automatic instinct to it where you aren’t supposed to look at it. You’re just supposed to act or get away from it.

 

It seems like fear is what keeps the identity going. It seems like the most powerful motivator. 

[Kevin]

8 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Small well-being oriented daily routines build up the better feeling momentum.

 

Like for example, plan a healthy breakfast with food you like and feel great about and eat the same thing every morning.

 

Wake up at the same time every day.

 

Stream journaling 20 minutes every day.

 

And meditation every day of course.

 

Stuff like that. Small daily steps you can regularly take even if sometimes you go off rails with the edibles or junk food.

 

Yes just getting back into the routine really helps. I’ve been doing that lately. I think I just felt pretty discouraged before and so I got out of the habit of a good routine.

[Phil]

24 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Yeah could be. Seems likely even. I did was I thought was gonna be a light trip last night. I took 1.5 and it was actually super intense. I hit a crazy fear barrier. Fear is interesting. It seems like baked into fear there’s an aspect of an automatic instinct to it where you aren’t supposed to look at it. You’re just supposed to act or get away from it.

 

It seems like fear is what keeps the identity going. It seems like the most powerful motivator. 

Yes, exactly, totally. Fear is only of “the mind”, which is in & of “itself” - attachment. Fear is truly, simply & maybe profoundly, just how some thoughts feel & nothing more. In terms of complete attachment & cessation or complete liberation, 1.5 being an intense experience in this regard is very clarifying. Compared to say, 4 or 5 g’s cutting through & untangling to ‘get down to the fear’.

 

The seemingly two ‘things’ (imo) are very much one. The framing of ‘how I feel’, as compared to ‘how experience(s) feels to me’ - is the same as ‘I hit a fear barrier’, as compared to, ‘limiting beliefs / misidentification (ego) & therein fear, are being released’. 

 

The difference is ‘where’ you are. Prior to and experiencing thoughts & emotions, as consciousness… or separate from consciousness, trying to ‘reach consciousness’ / ‘get through a barrier’, etc. 

 

It’s all and always a letting go, and never a getting anywhere, solving or figuring anything out. The one with instincts or the knower that knows there is instinct, which could, should or would act or get away from fear, the one motivated or for which there is a motivator - is all the sep self of thoughts - the very thoughts by which fear, as guidance for these very thoughts, is felt.  

 

‘Higher consciousness’ or the like isn’t a real ‘thing’ or experience and doesn’t actually happen, as consciousness is already infinite. Release, relief, clarity, insights, tears of comfort, so much love and natural joy & bliss - happen. 

 

Make sense? Any of this resonate given ‘where you’re at’ & what you’re experiencing as it were?

[Kevin]

44 minutes ago, Phil said:

Yes, exactly, totally. Fear is only of “the mind”, which is in & of “itself” - attachment. Fear is truly, simply & maybe profoundly, just how some thoughts feel & nothing more. In terms of complete attachment & cessation or complete liberation, 1.5 being an intense experience in this regard is very clarifying. Compared to say, 4 or 5 g’s cutting through & untangling to ‘get down to the fear’.

 

I’m uncertain because I feel very sensitive to psychedelics now. Back when I was in college 1.5 grams would have been a joke. I wouldn’t even really trip off 1.5 back then. I regularly used to take 5 to 7 grams. Now idk what 4 or 5 grams would do to me. I feel like I’d need a trip sitter for that. Maybe that’s what I need though. I’m not certain.

44 minutes ago, Phil said:

The seemingly two ‘things’ (imo) are very much one. The framing of ‘how I feel’, as compared to ‘how experience(s) feels to me’ - is the same as ‘I hit a fear barrier’, as compared to, ‘limiting beliefs / misidentification (ego) & therein fear, are being released’. 

 

Interesting. During the trip what seemed really relevant was that the painful things I was experiencing were very quickly being interpreted as some flaw or there’s something wrong. I think not seeing that was causing a lot of trouble because when I don’t like how my life is going there’s also the resistance of it being about me. I think that’s what you mean when you say ‘how I feel’ vs ‘how experience feels to me’?

How I'm feeling is obscuring right?

 

Oh also the hardest thing to do when the fear hits is to sit still and feel it. But that’s exactly what you have to do right? My instincts say that’s the way but damn it’s hard. There was like half and hour where I just kept walking back and forth.

44 minutes ago, Phil said:

The difference is ‘where’ you are. Prior to and experiencing thoughts & emotions, as consciousness… or separate from consciousness, trying to ‘reach consciousness’ / ‘get through a barrier’, etc. 

 

 

44 minutes ago, Phil said:

It’s all and always a letting go, and never a getting anywhere, solving or figuring anything out. The one with instincts or the knower that knows there is instinct, which could, should or would act or get away from fear, the one motivated or for which there is a motivator - is all the sep self of thoughts - the very thoughts by which fear, as guidance for these very thoughts, is felt.  

 

‘Higher consciousness’ or the like isn’t a real ‘thing’ or experience and doesn’t actually happen, as consciousness is already infinite. Release, relief, clarity, insights, tears of comfort, so much love and natural joy & bliss - happen. 

 

Make sense? Any of this resonate given ‘where you’re at’ & what you’re experiencing as it were?

Yeah this is making sense. Is it possible to see the mechanism of identity so clearly that it stops completely? Is that the goal of this work? I ask because during the trip it felt like every lesson I learned in terms of how to act is in my body as tension.

For example someone tells me to shut up when I’m a kid so there’s some tension around my neck that makes it harder to fully express. So all those little tensions from life became very apparent last night. I felt different spots of tension everywhere. The thing is though it doesn't usually feel like tension. Usually all that contraction is just felt as what it’s like to be Kevin.

 

During the trip I think I found some safety in all the knowing and predicting and the bracing against life. But then it hit me maybe that’s the prison?

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I’m uncertain because I feel very sensitive to psychedelics now. Back when I was in college 1.5 grams would have been a joke. I wouldn’t even really trip off 1.5 back then. I regularly used to take 5 to 7 grams. Now idk what 4 or 5 grams would do to me. I feel like I’d need a trip sitter for that. Maybe that’s what I need though. I’m not certain.

Need… why, for what?

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Interesting. During the trip what seemed really relevant was that the painful things I was experiencing were very quickly being interpreted as some flaw or there’s something wrong.

Exactly. That’s the ego / separate self of thought’s whole shtick. Something’s wrong & needs to be fixed, improved, etc. This is why self-improvement, personal-development, etc are egocentric, not liberation. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I think not seeing that was causing a lot of trouble because when I don’t like how my life is going there’s also the resistance of it being about me.

What’s felt is the thought, belief or interpretation about how your life is going. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I think that’s what you mean when you say ‘how I feel’ vs ‘how experience feels to me’?

How I'm feeling is obscuring right?

No, not as in how you’re feeling is obscuring. There is no ‘how you’re feeling’ - which changes - ever. How you actually feel is always exactly the same. Any change whatsoever is not you, and is your experience. How thoughts, emotions, etc feel to you.  

 

Thoughts about “how you’re feeling” (this way and that way) - are obscuring - feeling (which is not this way or that way). 

 

On 9/4/2024 at 5:52 PM, Kevin said:

I’ve been feeling depressed and pessimistic.

Thoughts - presently only - might feel pessimistic. 

You most definitely do not feel pessimistic. 

 

If your true nature were pessimism / pessimistic - if that was actually what you feel like - then thoughts of pessimism would resonate perfect. 

That thoughts of pessimism do not resonate tells you about the truth of how you feel - of your true nature. 

Ego: This can’t be, it’ll never happen, etc. 

True Nature: That just isn’t true / isn’t my nature / I can’t ’go there’ / join in that thought. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Oh also the hardest thing to do when the fear hits is to sit still and feel it.

Arguably the greatest insight possible. Yes. Absolutely. 

And also - it’s not actually hard because it’s not a doing. That’d once again be the sep self of thoughts, the “doer”.

 

What occurs is - aversion. Any thought, about anyone or anything, any time, any problem, etc, etc - any thought will do to obscure the fear so it’s obscured. 

And you are 100% absolutely spot on - the key is simply allowing it to come up and out / not “getting sucked into” any thoughts / thought narratives / thought stories. 

 

It can be like having a soul ripped from a spine. You might even vomit. Also, it might be totally uneventful, like seem like it’s going to be a big deal, and then when there’s no aversion, and no fear, it might just be like “oh, well, it’s gone now, neat”.

 

It’s like holding a ball for a minute and then letting it go. The hand muscles de-contracting is pretty unnoticeable.  

But a hand that’s been holding a ball for a decade, the de-contraction would be very noticeable.

Also - the relief / release is indicative of the holding. So the “longer” it’s been held, the deeper, sweeter, fuller and more un-obscuring the release is. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

 

But that’s exactly what you have to do right? My instincts say that’s the way but damn it’s hard. There was like half and hour where I just kept walking back and forth.

Yes it can be very challenging. Identifying with experience, thought, is a slippery slippery slope. That there is a doer doing, whom it’s hard for, is a thought story about a second sep self. The pacing is reflective of the doer narrative fizzling out. Pacing’s great. While pacing, bring awareness to perception & sensation. Visually hone in on one object. Visually take in the whole room. Feel each footstep on the floor. Feel the air on your face. Never try to “stop thoughts” - gently, loving, be aware of thought. That allows thought to come to rest. “Trying” is the thought ‘trying’ - and just reinforces the belief there’s a tryer / that that’s what’s happening. That is not what’s happening. The ego will even resort to “my instincts”. No judgement though - lovingly allow the thought(s) to come to rest. 

 

Feeling is aware it’s creating this, right now. The entirety. So thoughts about what can’t happen or won’t happen do not make sense to that which is creating what happens. The emptying of the fear is the un-obscuring of seeing this as yourself, clearly. It’s most worthwhile. There’s literally nothing better. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Yeah this is making sense. Is it possible to see the mechanism of identity so clearly that it stops completely?

YES.

 

So to speak (‘time’ wise), I haven’t experienced a thought is 10 years ish.

No thought / no mind / cessation, is not experiential and is infinitely superior to any positive thinking etc, which is on behalf of “ego” / the sep self of thoughts. 

“The mechanism” - is - thought. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Is that the goal of this work?

Thought is extremely sneaky. The goal and the work are also on behalf of the sep self of thoughts. The “doer” in “time”. 

Don’t judge - lovingly allow thought(s) to come to rest. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I ask because during the trip it felt like every lesson I learned in terms of how to act is in my body as tension.

Feeling first / love first… then - whatever. 

Go with what resonates. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

For example someone tells me to shut up when I’m a kid so there’s some tension around my neck that makes it harder to fully express. So all those little tensions from life became very apparent last night. I felt different spots of tension everywhere. The thing is though it doesn't usually feel like tension. Usually all that contraction is just felt as what it’s like to be Kevin.

The correlation between the thoughts and the tension is without separation. One & the same. It can be approached so to speak, either way. Relaxing, the thoughts are more obvious and dissipate naturally. Questioning & dispelling the thought / sep self / beliefs, the body naturally relaxes / releases tension. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

During the trip I think I found some safety in all the knowing and predicting and the bracing against life. But then it hit me maybe that’s the prison?

Yes, exactly. The seeking (safety) is on behalf of the ego / sep self. That’s “the prison” as in - knowing, predicting and bracing against aren’t actually experienced. Thoughts about a sep self which isn’t safe, which knows or predicts, which is separate from life - are experienced. 

[Blessed2]

22 hours ago, Mandy said:

My problems are particularly bad, and that won't help me. I've tried those things, and they don't help me. Maybe they help other people, but I'm not like that. You don't know what it's like to be me. 

 

So you stole the crap goggles!

 

[Mandy]

20 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

So you stole the crap goggles!

 

😂😂😂🤓

[Kevin]

17 hours ago, Phil said:

Need… why, for what?

 

Because what you said in the quote below sounds way better than my moment to moment experience. And what if I do one more big trip and it resolves this whole thing and then I’d feel silly for not doing it earlier.

17 hours ago, Phil said:

So to speak (‘time’ wise), I haven’t experienced a thought is 10 years ish.

No thought / no mind / cessation, is not experiential and is infinitely superior to any positive thinking etc, which is on behalf of “ego” / the sep self of thoughts.

 

 

17 hours ago, Phil said:

Exactly. That’s the ego / separate self of thought’s whole shtick. Something’s wrong & needs to be fixed, improved, etc. This is why self-improvement, personal-development, etc are egocentric, not liberation. 

 

What’s felt is the thought, belief or interpretation about how your life is going. 

 

No, not as in how you’re feeling is obscuring. There is no ‘how you’re feeling’ - which changes - ever. How you actually feel is always exactly the same. Any change whatsoever is not you, and is your experience. How thoughts, emotions, etc feel to you.  

 

Ah gotcha.

17 hours ago, Phil said:

Thoughts about “how you’re feeling” (this way and that way) - are obscuring - feeling (which is not this way or that way). 

 

Thoughts - presently only - might feel pessimistic. 

You most definitely do not feel pessimistic. 

 

If your true nature were pessimism / pessimistic - if that was actually what you feel like - then thoughts of pessimism would resonate perfect. 

That thoughts of pessimism do not resonate tells you about the truth of how you feel - of your true nature. 

Ego: This can’t be, it’ll never happen, etc. 

True Nature: That just isn’t true / isn’t my nature / I can’t ’go there’ / join in that thought. 

 

Arguably the greatest insight possible. Yes. Absolutely. 

And also - it’s not actually hard because it’s not a doing. That’d once again be the sep self of thoughts, the “doer”.

 

What occurs is - aversion. Any thought, about anyone or anything, any time, any problem, etc, etc - any thought will do to obscure the fear so it’s obscured. 

And you are 100% absolutely spot on - the key is simply allowing it to come up and out / not “getting sucked into” any thoughts / thought narratives / thought stories. 

 

It can be like having a soul ripped from a spine. You might even vomit. Also, it might be totally uneventful, like seem like it’s going to be a big deal, and then when there’s no aversion, and no fear, it might just be like “oh, well, it’s gone now, neat”.

 

It’s like holding a ball for a minute and then letting it go. The hand muscles de-contracting is pretty unnoticeable.  

But a hand that’s been holding a ball for a decade, the de-contraction would be very noticeable.

Also - the relief / release is indicative of the holding. So the “longer” it’s been held, the deeper, sweeter, fuller and more un-obscuring the release is. 

 

Yes it can be very challenging. Identifying with experience, thought, is a slippery slippery slope. That there is a doer doing, whom it’s hard for, is a thought story about a second sep self. The pacing is reflective of the doer narrative fizzling out. Pacing’s great. While pacing, bring awareness to perception & sensation. Visually hone in on one object. Visually take in the whole room. Feel each footstep on the floor. Feel the air on your face. Never try to “stop thoughts” - gently, loving, be aware of thought. That allows thought to come to rest. “Trying” is the thought ‘trying’ - and just reinforces the belief there’s a tryer / that that’s what’s happening. That is not what’s happening. The ego will even resort to “my instincts”. No judgement though - lovingly allow the thought(s) to come to rest. 

 

Feeling is aware it’s creating this, right now. The entirety. So thoughts about what can’t happen or won’t happen do not make sense to that which is creating what happens. The emptying of the fear is the un-obscuring of seeing this as yourself, clearly. It’s most worthwhile. There’s literally nothing better. 

 

YES.

 

So to speak (‘time’ wise), I haven’t experienced a thought is 10 years ish.

No thought / no mind / cessation, is not experiential and is infinitely superior to any positive thinking etc, which is on behalf of “ego” / the sep self of thoughts. 

“The mechanism” - is - thought. 

 

Thought is extremely sneaky. The goal and the work are also on behalf of the sep self of thoughts. The “doer” in “time”. 

Don’t judge - lovingly allow thought(s) to come to rest. 

 

Feeling first / love first… then - whatever. 

Go with what resonates. 

 

The correlation between the thoughts and the tension is without separation. One & the same. It can be approached so to speak, either way. Relaxing, the thoughts are more obvious and dissipate naturally. Questioning & dispelling the thought / sep self / beliefs, the body naturally relaxes / releases tension. 

 

Yes, exactly. The seeking (safety) is on behalf of the ego / sep self. That’s “the prison” as in - knowing, predicting and bracing against aren’t actually experienced. Thoughts about a sep self which isn’t safe, which knows or predicts, which is separate from life - are experienced. 

Wild stuff man. Thank you. Things are changing and I’m feeling hopeful.

[Phil]

9 hours ago, Kevin said:

Because what you said in the quote below sounds way better than my moment to moment experience. And what if I do one more big trip and it resolves this whole thing and then I’d feel silly for not doing it earlier.

It’s not a different / better experience, it’s un-obscurred being. Un-obscured of experience. 

[Phil]

18 hours ago, Kevin said:

Things are changing and I’m feeling hopeful.

What’s the difference between “I’m feeling hopeful”, and I’m feeling hopefulness?