How to deal with Debbie Downers?

[Reena]

I try to keep myself high and not give into negativity. It's a battle sometimes. My mom is a big Debbie Downer. She always preaches negativity like a negative Nancy. I get fed up and annoyed. It's like a never ending train of negativity. Sometimes I get very angry and throw things to make her stop tormenting me. Every word she says devalues me and just her general theme is always about discouraging me. Like I'm not good enough. It's tiring and against my spirit.

I don't know what thought or emotion will help me have better control and not sink into a downward spiral everytime she does this? 

[Phil]

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

I try to keep myself high and not give into negativity.

Take pause and notice some thoughts are about a self which isn’t actually present, so there is clarity rather than confusion.

Instead of an additional belief or judgement (negativity), notice discord is felt (suffering). 

The belief in negativity won’t resonate with the truth / positivity. 

 

Daily meditation makes this really easy. Slows down thoughts / time and reactivity to thoughts just fizzles out and response / conscious creating happens. 

 

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

It's a battle sometimes. My mom is a big Debbie Downer. She always preaches negativity like a negative Nancy.

The (directly experienced) belief in negativity & judgement is what’s felt. Doesn’t resonate with positivity & unconditionality. To change the behavior, acknowledge the emotions felt, rather than believing thoughts about a separate self. Like anger is experienced rather than I’m angry.  

 

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

I get fed up and annoyed.

That’s about a separate self of thoughts. Frustration / irritation / impatience (emotions) is how that thought about a sep self feels. 

 

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

It's like a never ending train of negativity.

 

Sometimes I get very angry and throw things to make her stop tormenting me.

Acknowledging the separate self of thoughts & emotions changes the beliefs (alignment). ♥️ The desired changes in your life naturally follow. 

 

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

Every word she says devalues me

and just her general theme is always about discouraging me.

Discouragement is felt.

Guidance for thoughts. Align the thoughts with feeling. Don’t hold out for feeling to align with beliefs & judgments (thoughts). Stubborness is an adding of resistance to suffering. 

 

Let mom feel her thoughts. She has a Source, she doesn’t need your help. That’s her business. 🙂

 

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

Like I'm not good enough.

As the sep self of thoughts is noticed and emotions are acknowledged & felt, beliefs are dispelled and the guidance of unworthiness is no longer felt. 

 

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

It's tiring and against my spirit.

Beliefs are inherently discordant because the Truth is inherently wonderful. The Truth is unconditional, all-allowing, and so thoughts about spirits are allowed, yet like all beliefs, feel discordant with Truth. 

 

9 minutes ago, Reena said:

I don't know what thought or emotion will help me have better control and not sink into a downward spiral everytime she does this? 

Prior to noticing the sep self of thoughts & acknowledging emotions it seems like there is a separate self which is or isn’t in control, or isn’t controlling enough. It simultaneously seems like there is a world which is separate, potentially fearsome or even threatening.

 

As the sep self of thoughts is noticed & emotions are acknowledged beliefs just fizzle out and don’t arise anymore. Life is inevitably a miraculous celebration of Truth.  Like how a toothache you had years ago just doesn’t cross your mind at all after it’s properly addressed. 

 

There’s always also just isolating yourself, suppressing, projecting & denying suffering & rejection of the truth but I definitly don’t recomend any of that based on how it feels.   

[Reena]

18 minutes ago, Phil said:

Discouragement is felt.

Guidance for thoughts. Align the thoughts with feeling. Don’t hold out for feeling to align with beliefs & judgments (thoughts). Stubborness is an adding of resistance to suffering. 

 

Let mom feel her thoughts. She has a Source, she doesn’t need your help. That’s her business. 🙂

Because I absolutely could not understand what you had written (forgive me for that) I input your text into AI to make it explain it to me. This is the explanation it gave me-

 

 

"This paragraph appears to be offering guidance on how to navigate feelings of discouragement and how to approach others who may be struggling. Here's a breakdown of the key points:

 

Acknowledging Discouragement: The paragraph starts by acknowledging that discouragement is felt. This suggests that the first step in addressing discouragement is to recognize and accept it.

 

Aligning Thoughts with Feelings: The guidance offered is to align thoughts with feelings, rather than trying to align feelings with thoughts (beliefs and judgments). This implies that it's more effective to focus on understanding and accepting one's emotions, rather than trying to change them to fit preconceived notions.

 

Avoiding Stubbornness: The paragraph warns against stubbornness, which is seen as adding resistance to suffering. This means that when we resist or fight against our emotions, we can actually make our suffering worse.

 

Letting Others Handle Their Emotions: The final part of the paragraph seems to be addressing a specific situation where someone (perhaps the reader) is trying to help their mother with her thoughts or emotions. The advice is to let the mother feel her thoughts and not try to help her. The reason given is that she has a Source (perhaps a higher power or her own inner guidance) and doesn't need external help. This is her business, implying that it's important to respect others' autonomy in dealing with their emotions.

 

In essence, the paragraph is encouraging a more mindful and accepting approach to emotions, both in oneself and in others. It suggests that trying to control or change emotions can lead to more suffering, and that it's better to let things unfold naturally."

 

 

Now I somewhat understood what you meant. 

 

[Reena]

I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. 

[Phil]

7 minutes ago, Reena said:

I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. 

Wrong is a judgmental thought in that usage, about a third self. The first is you, awareness, the seond is a knower, and the third would be the one which is or isn’t doing something wrong. 

 

It’s confusion, obscuring perfect clarity. 

 

What’s suggested is being aware of thoughts about a separate self, and acknowledging emotions. The reaction is defensive, as if there is someone possibly doing something wrong, and is about anything other than what’s suggested. Meditation slows that down so it’s more readily & easily seen. It’s a rejection of the truth, yet there’s no one rejecting just like there isn’t anyone doing anything wrong. Hurtful, harmful, of ignorance yes, but wrong, no. 

 

It’s humbling & lberating to notice there is no second self, no knower which knows there is good & bad, good & bad people, or right & wrong. 

[Phil]

@Reena

What was said was said based on suffering, alignment & the truth - how it feels. If AI is clarifying, definitly employ AI, but also notice the context of everything said was changed, to be about understanding & meaning, rather than what you actually want. 

[Reena]

22 minutes ago, Phil said:

What’s suggested is being aware of thoughts about a separate self, and acknowledging emotions. The reaction is defensive, as if there is someone possibly doing something wrong, and is about anything other than what’s suggested. Meditation slows that down so it’s more readily & easily seen. It’s a rejection of the truth, yet there’s no one rejecting just like there isn’t anyone doing anything wrong. Hurtful, harmful, of ignorance yes, but wrong, no. 

I see. 

[Mandy]

Remember that she's never describing you, she's describing how awful the lens she's looking at everything through feels. 

[Phil]

Karen-goggles. 

[Reena]

@Phil haha karen goggles

[Joseph Maynor]

Power differentials in relationship occur in ego.  What's great about the Divine Masculine is that although people can shame you they can't shame You.  The Self cannot be shamed.  The whole kiss up-kick down thing is a feature of ego.  It's always going to appear that way.  Don't expect otherwise.  But there is a way to escape/overcome this!  You don't have to even acknowledge a power differential in a relationship.  At the same time, we have to acknowledge all the stuff we do too from an egoic perspective that we don't see or even admit.  What I'm saying is there's a way to rise above ego where you don't feel shame about ego too.  You can let ego be and realize that's not You -- It seems like a paradox, but is it really, I'm not entirely sure.  We think the Self controls the ego, I think this is the major trap.  Ego is always going to be messy with lots of inherent conflict and suffering.  We try to create the perfect ego and then it falls apart and we lose faith.  But it's like expecting too much from something that will never and can never deliver that ideal of the mind.  Happiness is kind of a trap.  Good feeling can be a trap in this way as well.  The Self is not in the business of controlling reality to get a certain kind of result that benefits any perspective indefinitely.  It would be wishful thinking that reality should cater to any perspective in this way.  But there is a way to rise above this too that gets out of this problem in a different way.  I think this is what a lot of people are trying to get at with Spiritual Enlightenment focus.

Edited May 14 by Joseph Maynor