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Impatience ruining days lately


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I noticed EVERYTHING I DO, let it be sports, being with family, meditation, friends, music, is all accompanied with the belief of "let me get to it in order to feel better than I do now", and everything then feels as if I was completely powerless and passionless doing these things.

When did I really feel happiness the last time? Well I don't know. I see all the girls and boys in my age, hanging with their groups of people, having a good time, flirting...I am totally missing my entire twenties I guess. It's Saturday evening and I am making music and practicing for upcoming gigs, though I should go out and socialize, talk to girls, just enjoying time. I am not really practicing because I want to...I just know that procrastinating and letting my musical routines go would end up in me being absolutely pissed.


A year ago I wanted to create an entire drum solo for a song, something special, I haven't got to it, because well, I actually prioritize anything other now, I don't feel really passionate at the moment. I know this doesn't attract any people, this attitude...and maybe I should let go of the belief that other people trigger a spark of happiness. Actually I let other aspects (talking to girls, people in general, being obsessed with taking every opportunity) of life get the upper hand and I notice that I seek and seek and seek, and the more I seek, the worse I feel. 


Even writing this feels like a waste of energy, because there is no one to help, because I know what I am, and you are, and that your replies probably just fill the lack of happiness for a sec. 



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Try to break your time so you don't feel like you're missing out on anything. You're in a dilemma where you're confused between giving time to your music work versus socializing with people, girls etc. A better way to see through this situation is to find time for both alternatively. Maybe one week you can go out and party and have a good time. The other week you can focus on your music practice, that way you won't feel like you're having to sacrifice too much. It's necessary to have fun especially in the middle of work otherwise later there are regrets that you didn't dedicate time to it. So just do what your heart tells you to. Don't hold back if something really tugs you in that direction. Life is about work sure. But life is boring without some essential fun. Give yourself that freedom and permission to like and enjoy what you want without feeling confusion or guilt. You deserve joy.

So basically I'm an autistic INFJ BPD sigma Pisces female with anger and CPTSD issues. Wow wow. 

My plate looks full. I Couldn't have been weirder than that. Now I get why I'm so idiosyncratic. 

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There a swing from feeling (happiness) coming in a future, to having been in a past (‘when was the last time I was happy’). 

Then there’s the tell all statement; what I knows. 

Thoughts thoughts are (only) experienced presently, isn’t it so?

An emotion is as well, yet may not jive with what’s known. 


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