Impatience ruining days lately

[Nadosa]

I noticed EVERYTHING I DO, let it be sports, being with family, meditation, friends, music, is all accompanied with the belief of "let me get to it in order to feel better than I do now", and everything then feels as if I was completely powerless and passionless doing these things.

When did I really feel happiness the last time? Well I don't know. I see all the girls and boys in my age, hanging with their groups of people, having a good time, flirting...I am totally missing my entire twenties I guess. It's Saturday evening and I am making music and practicing for upcoming gigs, though I should go out and socialize, talk to girls, just enjoying time. I am not really practicing because I want to...I just know that procrastinating and letting my musical routines go would end up in me being absolutely pissed.

 

A year ago I wanted to create an entire drum solo for a song, something special, I haven't got to it, because well, I actually prioritize anything other now, I don't feel really passionate at the moment. I know this doesn't attract any people, this attitude...and maybe I should let go of the belief that other people trigger a spark of happiness. Actually I let other aspects (talking to girls, people in general, being obsessed with taking every opportunity) of life get the upper hand and I notice that I seek and seek and seek, and the more I seek, the worse I feel. 

 

Even writing this feels like a waste of energy, because there is no one to help, because I know what I am, and you are, and that your replies probably just fill the lack of happiness for a sec. 

 

 

[Reena]

Try to break your time so you don't feel like you're missing out on anything. You're in a dilemma where you're confused between giving time to your music work versus socializing with people, girls etc. A better way to see through this situation is to find time for both alternatively. Maybe one week you can go out and party and have a good time. The other week you can focus on your music practice, that way you won't feel like you're having to sacrifice too much. It's necessary to have fun especially in the middle of work otherwise later there are regrets that you didn't dedicate time to it. So just do what your heart tells you to. Don't hold back if something really tugs you in that direction. Life is about work sure. But life is boring without some essential fun. Give yourself that freedom and permission to like and enjoy what you want without feeling confusion or guilt. You deserve joy.

[Phil]

There a swing from feeling (happiness) coming in a future, to having been in a past (‘when was the last time I was happy’). 
 

Then there’s the tell all statement; what I knows. 
 

Thoughts thoughts are (only) experienced presently, isn’t it so?
 

An emotion is as well, yet may not jive with what’s known. 
 

 

[Nadosa]

On 5/12/2024 at 5:12 PM, Phil said:

There a swing from feeling (happiness) coming in a future, to having been in a past (‘when was the last time I was happy’). 
 

Then there’s the tell all statement; what I knows. 
 

Thoughts thoughts are (only) experienced presently, isn’t it so?
 

An emotion is as well, yet may not jive with what’s known. 
 

 

 

yes, obviously no other time than now. 

 

But tbh I feel so overwhelmed during work sometimes and driving home after work, after getting up early at 4:30, I am so tired, I just want to go to bed. I'm experiencing pessimism, frustration, overwhelment, so so much anger when I can't go on my daily routine. I could literally destroy everything then. I feel so much energy when feeling anger and hate, I could scream my lungs out.

 

This is a dilemma and I tend to project this anger on everyone really. It doesn't matter who. And it doesn't matter to me that projection happens. This is so egocentric. But if I don't feel the space I usually do when having more free time and time to spend alone...well things heat up pretty quickly. Emotions bottle up. 

 

Knowing what is possible while acting like a douche is frustrating.

 

I really try to connect the dots here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 24 by Nadosa

[Phil]

@Nadosa

What’s meant by honesty, what is the reality of honesty, and has a single honest sentence been written yet?

 

If so, which one (including the thread title)?

 

How is truth felt while knowing it?

 

Guarantee you won’t answer these three questions. 

(Sorry not sorry). 

[Phil]

40 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

yes, obviously no other time than now. 

 

But tbh I feel so overwhelmed during work sometimes

                                                                                                                  🧐 

[Nadosa]

Just let me speak my bullshit out. I know it doesn't make sense. It's just present overwhelment expressed.. blame 

[Nadosa]

1 minute ago, Phil said:

                                                                                                                  🧐 

To be honest?

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

Just let me speak my bullshit out. I know it doesn't make sense. It's just present overwhelment expressed.. blame 

For sure. 🙏🏼♥️

[Nadosa]

Maybe it's because I ate meat last few days. Usually I don't eat meat. Maybe this is the karma. Idk.

 

I just want someone to listen, or like, love, to care for me, not a family member. Someone who's genuinely interested in what and who I am... disappointed. So so disappointed. For 3 years now there hasn't been anyone or anything really substantial regarding relationships. Maybe I am too focused on this matter. 

 

3 weeks ago I talked to a girl, 2 weeks later, just before meeting up etc. she told me she had a boyfriend...and I was like damn, why would you be meeting me up then..maybe she was genuinely interested...I don't know. She texted me again telling me to go to a party together. But it felt wrong. 😆 

 

Today I release a new music video. Check it out.

 

It's about being happy and do it "my way" doesn't matter what anyone says. 

 

Actually the lyrics are probably the most truthful words I have ever conveyed.  😂 It's a mix of German and English. But don't expect too much. It's rather the music being my strength.

 

"This track like a river, no boundaries, I am just the mediator" (of course in German)

 

"I feel the universe speaking through me, I keep on growing I am like leaf, ain't no one's taking my energy"

 

Let's see. 

 

So many I's in here. I am sorry 😐 

 

 

 

Edited May 24 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

At the moment I'm sitting here, on a lil mountain, staring into the sun. Day's been overwhelming, or at least I'm feeling the emotion of overwhelment. Working with people that constantly demand 120% of your attention at 6 am can be very challenging (I'm working in the psych ward). In the beginning I can hold that space, or at least I feel emotions coming and going. But in soon, when there is too much arguments, verbally, even physically...

 

I'm feeling worry and doubt if I can even do this for more than a few months, sure I can, but it takes a lot in exchange. 

 

At the same time, coming home, being tired and energetically exhausted, is not the way I imagine my life to be.

 

And now, sitting and writing feels good, but there is so much resistance and discord felt at the moment. I want to feel happy and I hold this unreal expectation for meditation to be the cure, as if it could fix this discord in a way. 

 

Breathing in, breathing out.

 

With each outbreath I let concepts go. And revealed is just I. Coming back feels hopeful, or at least freeing. Holding beliefs requires so much mental effort. It's so much suffering really. Realizing this, beliefs that feel bad, this powerlessness.

 

I don't want search for happiness by scrolling through my phone, I don't want to search for happiness by seeking for girls, I don't want to search for happiness.

 

I am currently having a continuous laughter about what I am worrying about and the entire concept of I.

Edited May 28 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

That was the most releasing laughter cry in a while. God damn. It's so sad that we forget ourselves in a way, by just losing ourselves in experience, beliefs, this is tragic.

Edited May 28 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

Once again. Overwhelment mixed with impatience caused by believing to feel better in a future. That combined literally caused to feel extreme ache in head, general feeling of "ill", like getting a cold. It's everytime I wake up, I feel general "tiredness, resistance", whatever, just this impatience to do the next thing to feel better. 

 

Right now I'm sitting on a bench just to experience the fullness of feeling. But it's terrible, I can't sit still at all, thoughts are distracting, focus all over the place, feeling literally the gray/black scaled emotions. I feel it physically.

 

Tbh I'm sitting with the expectation that the "illness/cold" feeling and general bodily exhaustion goes away. Which would not be ideal.

 

Just imagine like a big bag of garbage in your stomach area, eating you alive and all your drive and energy. 

 

I really need some space, some real rest, because, sleep isn't really the real rest if you are completely absorbed in beliefs, thoughts etc. 

 

Literally this is a moment record of what I believe so, these thoughts written down here are absolutely what causes feeling bad.

 

 

Edited June 4 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

Sitting on a bench feeling utter boredom. Like how boring can life be. I feel overwhelment too. Fear because of future events, or thoughts about future events. Thoughts about I could be much more productive, working on some things instead of wasting time on a bench. 

[Phil]

Pessimism. 

[Nadosa]

Most likely. Ignorance. 

[Nadosa]

I can't be working those shifts anymore. Switching from night, to early, to late shifts, it's ruining my sleep schedule, my rhythm, my productivity. 

 

I'm feeling frustration.

I'm feeling anger.

I'm feeling powerlessness.

 

Gosh I'm feeling hatred and blame. Let me just scream this shit out. I hate it. I hate having messed up days because of work. Ah I could punch my pillow right now.

Edited June 13 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

As soon as my daily structure is kinda messed up, meaning waking up, meditation, gym (those two things take up to 3-4h a day), music rehearsal, eating...I really change to a freaking drama queen. Mostly I feel anger because things don't go the way *the ego/I* likes it.

 

Well those are the thoughts which are currently crushing my mood. And feel very bad. 

[Phil]

Totally. My mood is the ultimate passion / feeling killer. 

[Nadosa]

Usual sitting on a mountain session. Or let it be emptying. Whatever. 

 

Feeling. Feeling thoughts.

 

 

 

Edited June 25 by Nadosa