My primary concern

[Reena]

Grateful if you read the whole story.

 

So this is about my mom and the final closure I'm looking for on the chapter of my life. It's not going to be easy reading this so I'm already sounding a trigger warning. My mom was terrible with me when I was a kid. She would verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me as a child. On one occasion she sexually abused me as well. Her behavior caused me tremendous childhood trauma that turned into CPTSD when I turned into an adult. She abused my dad in the most terrible ways, treating him like a slave most of her life and he died early (I still maintain that his death was brought on early because of her behavior being a precursor to worsening his health leading to premature death). Me and my sister went through parentification (you can look that up). Patrick Teahan talks extensively on the subject matter of abusive parenting. I developed intense disdain for her growing up. Over the years of living with her my emotions fluctuated massively between extreme hate and disgust to understanding and forgiveness but I still don't feel I can be very forgiving to her. I'm usually a very forgiving person but forgiving her seems like a lot harder than I thought it would. Because the subject matter of my dad is such a sensitive topic. She was and is toxic, abusive, controlling and shows signs of narcissistic behavior. Only very recently I received some closure on why I suffered so much under her influence. Since she is old now and I'm approaching my 30s and I'll be getting older with time, and coupled with her self destructive tendencies and medical issues she will not be surviving much longer, even her doctors say that. If I have to care for her in these dying years, it would be a terrible thing for me because everyday is a huge struggle, she can act maniacal and get violent. She is very unpredictable and senile. She is diagnosed with bipolar type 2, hypermanic condition and OCD. I live with her out of compassion. I can leave her in a heartbeat and go live with my sister but I don't want to leave her alone in her dying years. I will be her only caretaker during her last years and I have been the only person who accompanied her medical visits each time. My sister promises me that she will be caring for my mother but if that is the case then I'll feel like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. Yet I can't trust my sister entirely because she terminated my father's medical treatment and that single event is the major cause of my emotional trauma symptoms. So I really don't know how much truth lies in her words. Anyway.

My primary concern at this point is regarding guilt and morality. I'm being selfish here and I'm aware of that. Rather unashamedly. I don't want to care too much about my mom. I'm just being real and honest. Although deep down as a daughter I do have compassion for her, that compassion is only because she is my mom and nothing else. I will care for her in the best manner possible, to the best of my ability. That's a 100%. But my concern is what happens when she dies. Let's say she dies suddenly (given her medical history that's a possibility). Will I go through intense emotional turmoil upon her passing? My problem is that I don't want to suffer any guilt over her death if an event as such arises. I don't want to feel love for her. I'll be cold as ice. I don't find this selfish, it's just the most natural response, even a fitting one given how I felt about the way my dad was treated. I don't want to grieve her death. I don't want to force myself to feel sorry for her. I just want to do my duty as a family member, take care of her when she needs my help and support, give her meds on time, take care of her needs like a nurse for the elderly at the hospital and when the time comes, cremate her and just be done with it and never look back. I don't want to carry the guilt of not being able to love her or sympathize with her. It's a moral-emotional conflict for me. I can forgive her but I don't feel like loving her or showing any affection.

 

My question is - how should I avoid feeling guilty? I don't want this feeling of shame of being someone who is cold and unloving. Because I want to be authentic.. I have never been fake. I have never faked my emotions. I have done whatever my heart tells me to do. The society and people in my neighborhood will call me a cold daughter. I myself might suffer some guilt for harboring hate towards her. I can't love her. It's just an impossible task for me. At the same time loving her feels toxic and unhealthy. As though I'm bending backwards over my moral principles and well being. Again I might be very selfish here, yet I don't feel bad about being selfish since everyone is entitled to how they feel and what they want. Loving her means constantly obeying her toxic control which I don't like. I don't want to extend my love to someone/something that doesn't feel right to me (basic boundary violation). Yes I know she wasn't a perfect mother. And I can forgive her on those grounds. Still it's tough for me to feel kindly towards her after all the history of childhood I have with her.

I don't want to feel kindly and I also don't want the guilt of being cold to her during her last years. It's an emotional turmoil I think about everyday.

Any idea on how to deal with this emotional moral conflict, discord, whatever name you call it?

I'm having a hard time with these thoughts /scenarios and I want a closure. Or maybe I shouldn't look for a closure???

 

 

Help!

 

[WhiteOwl]

@ReenaForgive her, not for her, but for yourself, and then move on. If you keep digging around in this you will feel terrible til you ain't here anymore. You can continue to tell this story but it will always feel the same. Make another truth. You need to look at it differently, forgive her and forgive yourself. 

[Reena]

M@WhiteOwlthank you for the reply.

[Phil]

That Love is Reality, who we really are, the ‘underlying’ ‘substance’ which is all ‘things’, can be acknowledged, without per se loving all behaviors & actions, or invalidating any experience(s). 

 

Forgiveness & acceptance are for you and resonate deeply in the acceptance that reality is love, and is for giving. In this way you are most powerful / empowered - as you, Love, are not diluted such as with beliefs about, Love. 

 

Your experiences are valid. As forgiveness & acceptance are allowed, forgiveness & acceptance are allowed for yourself, and guilt subsides and it’s clearer why the discord of some thoughts (guilt) is felt. It’s most revealing of the true nature (innocence). 

[Reena]

@Philthat made a lot of sense. Thank you.