Stress tolerance, Unworthiness, Doubt, Pessimism

[Nadosa]

I am 25, currently moving from my second apartment to my third. I just moved in and it is the first time the apartment I live in has been used before and apparently the former owner didn't care much about hygiene.

 

The reason I moved here is because of the housing market and a friend  who moved out, offered me to stay here. So I accepted the opportunity, because I needed to move out anyway because of changing my place of work. 

 

Initially I was really inspired to renovate it and decorating, for example putting a huge dream board on the wall, acoustic panels...

the room is like 4,4m x 4,5m excl. kitchen, bath and balcony.

 

However, certain obstacles trigger SO much frustration and anger, I just keep screaming loudly because of frustration. But oftentimes this frustration is just caused by self-referential thinking: "you are just a loser...", but tbh in these situations I just want to be frustrated. I can't say "let's be aware of these thoughts Blabla" (I know one can't "be aware" as "being aware" is "no action" per se and already happening, not as an event or action of course), I just scream because the situation pisses me off. @Phil

 

I realized that, compared to my parents (who were apparently getting children in their 20s, moved to a place far away from their parents, which is just a ridiculous fantasy for me rn), I am really fucking dependent ON so many people, especially related to craftsmanship. How do I even use a drilling machine? How do I mount a shelf on a wall? I am 25, not having a clue about a thing in regards to crafting etc, feeling so dumb asking my parents for everything. 

 

For 4 days straight, I had to clean the toilet, kitchen, and exchange everything (currently waiting for some shelfs and stuff), the moving boxes are still standing around the room because I have no shelfs (which were provided in the apartments before), then the toilet flush doesn't work properly and the water tap in the kitchen just keeps dripping. For that, I already contacted the renter and on Tuesday there is an appointment with a craftsman. 

 

Right now, I realize the importance of craftsmen. Apparently the universe just gives me what I ask for. 

 

So far so bad. 

 

The first few days the stubbornness was just the pinnacle of the situation. I felt the emotions of fear and unworthiness causing me to really indulge in escapism. So I slept at my mom's house every now and then, which felt very bad in a way, just because my mom likes to belittle me, in a way treating me like a baby, framing it as "well, a MAN would just DO it and not ruminate about it, apparently you aren't capable of handling an apartment on your own, so I must help you", which caused to feeling the emotions of guilt, pessimism and especially anger and hate. On the other hand, she just loves to care for her son (she is kinda dependent on me in a way too).

 

I can't blame her. I just called her like everyday, several times, raging about the hygiene and really PROJECTING EMOTIONS on her. 

 

At the same time, I wasn't willing to let anyone help me. I was just stubborn. So I bought a drilling machine and everything I needed. And just taking small steps every now and then. 

 

I realized, I need to grow up a little instead of just raging and blaming.

 

Oh yeah, the emotion of blame is felt: the hygiene, the apartment, the neighbor, the living conditions blablabla....

 

 

So in contrast to EXTERNAL conditions, there is also internal questioning.

 

WHERE do I want to GO? Of course, here, always. But what do I want to dream?

 

For 15 years, I've been playing the drums, for 5 years now, everyday for about 1-2hours, creating own music projects, new songs, started to rap and sing. 

 

The first big gig in 2023, in front of 500 people was just overwhelming, getting small money now and then was another point which lead to taking music a bit more seriously. 

 

But it's never been enough to provide a living, nor do I think that I am talented enough or have "the voice" to pop up as a "star".

 

But of course, I just started 2-3 years ago, so what can I expect more?

 

However, on the other hand, I work as a nurse which definitely takes a lot of energy. BUT I really need it, sometimes, it's even an "off-time" thing for me, because I like to be around other people and socialize in that way.

 

In regards to that aspect I keep questioning: music or follow the path of maybe becoming a doc? I am 25, studying may take like 6 years and will definitely take most of my free time causing to maybe not being able to stick to music the way I used to before.

 

 

I feel the emotions of fear, doubt and overwhelment, then impatience. 

 

Some of my recent work:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 13 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

Not even sure why I posted this. I even feel the emotion of fear posting this in public. 

But these past days, discordant thoughts just keep flooding my mind.

[Phil]

In orientation terminology, you’re moving more towards consciously creating / doing what you love, and conditioning, or limiting & discordant beliefs are coming up and being expressed.

 

Beautiful!

🙂

 

 

[Nadosa]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

In orientation terminology, you’re moving more towards consciously creating / doing what you love, and conditioning, or limiting & discordant beliefs are coming up and being expressed.

 

Beautiful!

🙂

 

 

Btw, I am currently looking for a new dream board, does this also work? 

 

https://www.amazon.de/Magnettafel-Magnetwand-Kreidetafel-Pinnwand-Wandbild/dp/B08XQPKK5T/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?__mk_de_DE=ÅMÅŽÕÑ&crid=LHGJUZG6DI0Y&keywords=wochenplaner%2Bgroß&qid=1705181764&s=officeproduct&sprefix=wochenplaner%2Bgroß%2Coffice-products%2C85&sr=1-2-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1

Edited January 13 by Nadosa

[Phil]

@Nadosa

That’d work just fine. I like double sided like these, to use the backside like this. 

[Nadosa]

might be too big for the room, so maybe putting two on the wall? Or is it the backside effect?

[Phil]

@Nadosa

2 on the wall would function the same as a front & back. 👍🏼 

[Nadosa]

So week two. Procrastination is real.

 

What I was able to make was: building a shelf at the end of my bed in order to split the room in half. First time using a saw for wood and I felt the emotions of insecurity and jealousy, because my brother was already good at it and I felt the emotion of overwhelment. But at the end, I felt the emotions of happiness and freedom and I felt constantly relieved in interactions, especially socially, with girls, for example, because being creative started to really flourish and show up in Energy Levels too.

 

Besides releasing heavy conditioning: my dad is a man who always keeps things simple and usually isn't very supportive considering creative things...the first sentence he said considering the shelf: Just buy one, otherwise I dont want to have to do anything with it.  

 

My brother was supportive all the way, but in the end he gave all the input because he already had experience in building stuff. I felt like actually I didnt do anything at all...I felt the emotions of unworthiness. Because I had no idea how to connect two wooden boards in an 90° ankle..of course my brother kinda loves me so much that he told me "man I love your shelf and your work ..." whilst I knew all I did was helping him and assisting to achieve our goal 😂

 

I dont know...I Just want smth just to be made by me and I want confirmation for that. REAL confirmation...but why?!

 

So I decided to paint my wall...Green. First time ever coloring a wall. I felt the emotions of insecurity and pessimism. Coloring a wall should be normal and Not a hard Task...comparison thoughts....all day all night..for that I did mindfulness which cleared up a bit.

 

In the end it did feel great, every step and decision. But it took so much time for me to do these things: 5 days for a shelf and coloring one wall wtf!!! 

 

@PhilAnd today I started cleaning up my apartment because I have yet not enough storage room for my stuff and everything stood around in my room because I actually havent unboxed all moving boxes with my baggage yet, I am still missing a work desk, eating table...and all that I used as a reason to procrastinate, it took me two days to clean up the painting utensils and today I was about to fill the shelf when suddenly my brother rang the bell.

 

Three days have passed since he last visited me building the shelf and as soon as my door bell rang and realizing it's him AND my MOM, I felt an incredible wave of the emotion of insecurity. 

 

My Mom being someone who really really cares about being clean and hygiene, herself living in a clean and huge apartment, I always felt the need to live up to her standards and disappointing her was always terrible for me. 

 

At least talking about the experience today...so she walked around my appartment....

I saw her and felt the emotions of disappointment and frustration and suddenly anger: thoughts popped up, "why the hell wouldn't I clean up the appartment earlier knowing my mom could visit me anytime, why this, why that..look at her judgmental face, I hate her vibe, I just hate it, but I need her to be happy and proud, but I am such a messy person not living as clean as herself, I am just no the son she desires, and she tells me that, exactly, she makes me feel like a little child which cant take care of itself."

 

In a blink of an eye all the creative energy has gone when I saw her critically looking around the room. I wanted her to be proud of me, or I wished for her saying anything good. I wanted her confirmation....

 

BUT all she Said was: "So when was the last time you went to work?

 

"Last monday."

 

"5 days and this is all that happened? Colored one wall. Pff. I couldnt live in this mess..but well, you two (speaking about my brother and me) are men, maybe thats normal... You are clearly overwhelmed, should I take your clothes with me, and wash them for you?"

 

And then I felt the need to throw justifications at her. But I Just felt overwhelment. All the time. A mix of overwhelment and unworthiness.

 

I felt the discord in every cell. I was loaded up with anger. I isolated myself physically. And started cleaning the dishes. For an hour. Just not to face her judgment.

 

I felt emotions of frustration, pessimism, disappoinment, blame. And was the verge of even crying.

 

I felt like a damn failure. Right there. This woman can just tear me up in moments of weakness or it is the resistance...the thoughts...which are just discordant. I could just open up to the possibility for them to help me. But it is the first time I wanted to do smth all by myself...and she didnt accept that. She just kept criticising. 

 

 

@Phil @Mandy

 

I dont know. As soon as she enters the room I feel like I want/have to climb up to my moms throne. I feel like a yokel talking to a Queen. But at the same time I avoid to accept help from her. I want to avoid any form of dependence on her.

 

I dont want anyone to make me feel good. I Just cant take it. I feel so awkward and vulnerable around my brother because he always analyzes my emotions which is just annoying. I dont want to feel weak around him, I dont know why. Or let's say in some moments, he just plays the therapist, observes my behaviour and I feel like he could just shut up sometimes and let me be me... Or so..I hate open myself up to anyone close (Family wise, apart from my dad).

 

Any advice? The discord was so immense I literally felt so much unworthiness I couldnt look my mum in the eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 21 by Nadosa

[Phil]

@Nadosa

Honing that into a question(s) clarifies what it is you’re wanting. 

[Mandy]

@Nadosa I decided to paint my kitchen cabinets a dark color. Started painting yesterday and I've got two coats (needs 4) on one small section of just the lower frames and two doors, and the time I use for cleaning up after myself has gone into this project and you should see my house, it's a total mess. It's just that way when you do a project on and in your home. You can slow the project and be tidier, but if you're learning something new you'll likely need the focus to be on the project. You learned a new skill, and then another, painting and you did a great job, you finished to project. You took the time to learn from your brother, that was wise, should you have sawn your finger off instead? Those skills will improve with practice over many years and be with you for life. That's freaking awesome. You did great. 

 

I'm really sorry you didn't have anyone but your brother to tell you that. You wanna hold that appreciation on your own, and not need people to tell you that or confirm it. Why is what you want, and what you think, not enough? Why should someone's first, knee-jerk, conditioned reaction be more important than that? 

[Nadosa]

11 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Nadosa I decided to paint my kitchen cabinets a dark color. Started painting yesterday and I've got two coats (needs 4) on one small section of just the lower frames and two doors, and the time I use for cleaning up after myself has gone into this project and you should see my house, it's a total mess. It's just that way when you do a project on and in your home. You can slow the project and be tidier, but if you're learning something new you'll likely need the focus to be on the project. You learned a new skill, and then another, painting and you did a great job, you finished to project. You took the time to learn from your brother, that was wise, should you have sawn your finger off instead? Those skills will improve with practice over many years and be with you for life. That's freaking awesome. You did great. 

 

I'm really sorry you didn't have anyone but your brother to tell you that. You wanna hold that appreciation on your own, and not need people to tell you that or confirm it. Why is what you want, and what you think, not enough? Why should someone's first, knee-jerk, conditioned reaction be more important than that? 

Thank you for the compassion! Really resonated. 

 

I dont know why it wouldn't be enough. As soon as someone close to me judges something I am insecure about or I feel the emotion of insecurity, it usually ends up in feeling unworthiness. Because I could have done this or that better, faster, cleaner...whatever. 

 

The thing is, I just take things a bit slower, for example painting the walls, I let it try 2-3 times due to details and layers. Inbetween the usual tasks I spend most of the time just walking in nature and doing sports. So that's where I probably "waste" the most time, which for me is just quality time. But I take that as reasoning for not cleaning up already and rather take the time for walking or Meditation. 

 

Maybe that's justification for laziness? 

 

@Phil @Mandy I guess wrapping it up in one question: what can I do in acute situations, when there is extreme discord or conditioning? The usual first-knee response is resistance leading to physical isolation, or just not being able to look anyone in the eye, seems like a protection mechanism. Should I just open up? Should I just tell everyone to leave? 

 

As for right now: I feel mentally drained, maybe just the emotions of unworthiness...still thoughts, self-referential questioning...wow 

 

Even self-referential thoughts about that I just dont deserve to feel the emotions of freedom because in the end I am not worthy of it because I didnt work as hard as I could have.

Edited January 22 by Nadosa

[Phil]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

what can I do in acute situations, when there is extreme discord or conditioning?

What is it that feels discordant? 

[Nadosa]

That which I feel is thoughts. A situation or anything that happens has in fact and in actuality, in direct experience, without reference to a past, no meaning. So as always thoughts feel discordant. But tell me that during an argument and I will scream at you to shut up...😅

Edited January 22 by Nadosa

[Phil]

@Nadosa

The other day I was talking with my friend and he said he realized he was feeling judgment, but thought it was someone else’s. I was like, that’s a great realization man. So true. 

[Nadosa]

So you mean, he thought he felt someone else's judgement but just felt the thoughts about someone jugding him?

[Nadosa]

But one can't really feel what others think?

[Phil]

40 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

But one can't really feel what others think?

Check and see. 🙂

 

40 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

So you mean, he thought he felt someone else's judgement but just felt the thoughts about someone jugding him?

Yeah. Also he wasn’t aware he was judging someone… for judging. 

[Nadosa]

@Mandy @Phil

 

So I've finished everything so far. I've even built a wardrobe just by myself. Was quite fun actually!

 

But several things were exposed during that time, the entire move, especially "how it would all appear in the end, to others, NOT to me". I would always make sure to ask friends, family, what they would think about this or that idea, if this or that would match the color of this or that furniture..I was very thoughtful about receiving confirmation from other people and letting everyone know about the way my apartment looks "on the outside", whilst feeling the emotion of insecurity on the inside.

 

Since childhood, this has been a common theme, for example feeling ashamed of not having a huge room in my mom's apartment compared to my classmates big houses, etc., then one time I invited a classmate and he made fun about the size of my room. (first world problems...)

 

I notice it in several areas in life, needing confirmation from the outside, even music. Just read my music threads. 😄

 

This morning, I got messaged by my brother, and as you know, family can trigger "problem-thinking". I am still quite cold-hearted when it's about the relation to my brother or at least I don't feel so good being around him. I don't know why, sometimes he's just too expressive, loud, restless, whereas I appreciate his helpfulness and love, but I am much more introverted and just different and whereas I need more time for myself, he seems to plunge into every relationship till the point he expects too much out of it and being sad when others don't meet his expectations. 

 

His message:

 

"Phil, I had such a bad dream and the topic was the inside and outside. And because of your move, I may have noticed a little bit that it's much more important to you that in the end it makes an impression on the outside for others, but on the inside, you lived in chaos for a long time - that is, until everything was somewhat in shape. I don't want to attack you, but I want to invite us to have more exchanges with each other. I want you to be well too and I don't know why but a voice inside me keeps telling me to take care of you... I find it strange and defiant I have to tell you that now".

 

Regarding this message I feel the emotions of insecurity, worry, doubt. I know this has been a problem for a long time now, and especially a family member I've had a long list of bad moments with telling me  "what I feel insecure about", makes me feel the emotions of disappointment but also revenge. I want to show him and others that I don't need confirmation, but paradoxically wanting confirmation about not needing confirmation...and that would only be out of revenge (I don't want to be seen as the little, immature kid of the family) too and not truthfulness. Also the first reaction to my brother's "emotional approach"  somehow creates resistance in me, or maybe the thoughts ABOUT the approach are discordant... Not only because of the points already mentioned, but I oftentimes feel emotionally blocked and "not like myself" being around him? 

 

Anyways, I just don't know how to go about the insecurity? What do you think about the situation? Why am I so vulnerable to my brother's statement? 

Edited February 10 by Nadosa

[Phil]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

@Mandy @Phil

 

So I've finished everything so far. I've even built a wardrobe just by myself. Was quite fun actually!

 

But several things were exposed during that time, the entire move, especially "how it would all appear in the end, to others, NOT to me". I would always make sure to ask friends, family, what they would think about this or that idea, if this or that would match the color of this or that furniture..I was very thoughtful about receiving confirmation from other people and letting everyone know about the way my apartment looks "on the outside", whilst feeling the emotion of insecurity on the inside.

The belief in separation and that you are separate is inherently insecure because it’s a belief which isn’t based on reality. So naturally insecurity is felt.

 

The belief that there are other individuals which are aware, thinking and confirming, is based on the belief you are an individual which is aware, thinking & thoughtful. The knower presumes there are other knowers in overlooking knowing is a belief, or, thoughts appearing. 

 

It’s like the story of the three little pigs.

The first little piggy ignored fundamentals like daily mediation, acknowledging emotions, and  inspecting beliefs…  or, made his house out of straw.

Because he had essentially constructed a house of cards (beliefs), his house was easily blown down. 

 

The second little piggy made his house of sticks, or, adopted the practice albeit intermittently… but didn’t acknowledge emotions or question, inspect & dispel beliefs, and so his house withstood the slightest of winds but fell apart readily as beliefs were easily triggered. 

 

The third little piggy wasn’t interested in mind games. He wasn’t seeking anything from anyone anytime anywhere. He built a house of brick. That is, he employed self-respect, diligence, honesty & integrity - adopted the practice, acknowledged the guidance, questioned every arising thought, and brought every arising thought to rest, grounding in perception & sensation. His house was of brick / truth, not straw or sticks / beliefs, and thus easily & effortlessly withstood hurricanes, floods, tsunami’s and earthquakes. There was no thing nor no one which could blow his house down as it was grounded in reality. 

 

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 

Since childhood, this has been a common theme, for example feeling ashamed of not having a huge room in my mom's apartment compared to my classmates big houses, etc., then one time I invited a classmate and he made fun about the size of my room. (first world problems...)

Thought stories about there being a second or separate self were brought to rest as quickly as they arose, and so for piggy number three there was no belief in a me, nor me’s concept of shame, nor what me does or doesn’t have compared to other separate me’s… and therein, no problems. 

 

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 

I notice it in several areas in life, needing confirmation from the outside, even music. Just read my music threads. 😄

Though it was instantaneous, light speed, immediate - as the story of the separate me in time arose, me & my life, me and them, etc, the story was brought to rest instantaneously, at light speed, immediately. Just as quickly as it appeared. 

 

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 

This morning, I got messaged by my brother, and as you know, family can trigger "problem-thinking". I am still quite cold-hearted when it's about the relation to my brother or at least I don't feel so good being around him. I don't know why, sometimes he's just too expressive, loud, restless, whereas I appreciate his helpfulness and love, but I am much more introverted and just different and whereas I need more time for myself, he seems to plunge into every relationship till the point he expects too much out of it and being sad when others don't meet his expectations. 

For the separate me of straw, there is me and my experience, and not an illusion of believing thoughts, and no beliefs being triggered, and no emotional guidance in this regard. Instead of feeling blame, for the straw me there are other separate individuals, and how me feels is, one way or another, their fault. What makes the me unique is that it’s needs are not a belief, and so it’s expectations are to be met and when they aren’t it’s the fault of other separate individuals. 

 

For the me there are no judgmental thoughts, all thoughts are true, me is right, and all of the other separate selves need to change to accommodate the me so that me can have more time for it’s self which will result in the me finally feeling good because it’s needs & expectations have finally been met by other individuals. 

 

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 

His message:

 

"Phil, I had such a bad dream and the topic was the inside and outside. And because of your move, I may have noticed a little bit that it's much more important to you that in the end it makes an impression on the outside for others, but on the inside, you lived in chaos for a long time - that is, until everything was somewhat in shape. I don't want to attack you, but I want to invite us to have more exchanges with each other. I want you to be well too and I don't know why but a voice inside me keeps telling me to take care of you... I find it strange and defiant I have to tell you that now".

 

Regarding this message I feel the emotions of insecurity, worry, doubt. I know this has been a problem for a long time now, and especially a family member I've had a long list of bad moments with telling me  "what I feel insecure about", makes me feel the emotions of disappointment but also revenge. I want to show him and others that I don't need confirmation, but paradoxically wanting confirmation about not needing confirmation...and that would only be out of revenge (I don't want to be seen as the little, immature kid of the family) too and not truthfulness. Also the first reaction to my brother's "emotional approach"  somehow creates resistance in me, or maybe the thoughts ABOUT the approach are discordant... Not only because of the points already mentioned, but I oftentimes feel emotionally blocked and "not like myself" being around him? 

 

Anyways, I just don't know how to go about the insecurity? What do you think about the situation? Why am I so vulnerable to my brother's statement? 

For the me, or, the knower which knows it is separate and there are other separate knowers, there is a problem which has nothing to do with beliefs. 

[Nadosa]

A lot to take in.

 

So summing it up: basically everything I felt and wrote down, everything considering my brother (which I refer to as a separate self, and the me, which has a relation to him) is just a story and I feel the story and not actually expressing discordant thoughts? Why do I feel blame towards you for pointing out that everything is just "my fault"?😂😅