Self-absorbtion and approval seeking

[WhiteOwl]

I have noticed i am very self-absorbed in social situations. I am always measuring how i am "doing" in the setting (how i think i show up moment to moment), and i am mostly only worried about how i myself can say something funny or interesting. At the same time i notice i flag out easily when others are speaking. I also care a lot with whom im speaking, and have sort of a "ranking" system of who is most valuable to speak with (mostly in bigger groups). Has anyone had a similar dynamic? 

 

Maybe one way would be to try to pay more attention to other people and practice without dropping out, but maybe i need some deep contemplation on these things. Anyone has insights as what questions to look into?

Edited April 9, 2022 by WhiteOwl

[Phil]

Here’s a seemingly insane approach which results in actual sanity, clarity & happiness. 

 

Happiness LOVES! LOVES! LOVES! Neo-Advaita. 🥰😍😘

The ego HATES Neo-Advaita. 😠 😡 😤 

 

Why?

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

A lot of "i's" when i read it again. I really get caught in it sometimes 😅 Good for inspection now though. Happiness comes with presence, when the ego is not 🙂

[Mandy]

It's funny that a thought that feels bad about itself for being self absorbed is itself a self-absorbed thought. 😳😁

[Phil]

16 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

A lot of "i's" when i read it again. I really get caught in it sometimes 😅 Good for inspection now though. Happiness comes with presence, when the ego is not 🙂

Nice. 

It might also be helpful to so to speak, utilize time. Or rather, to make use of the recognition of the actuality there isn’t really time. 

Willfully actually, and very literally - go to a past, and then go to a future. Silly as it may or may not sound, keep attempting to until it is crystal clear that this is not possible, that there is only presence, now…. you=awareness, present-only awareness. Actually stand up and take a step in the direction of the past or future. Actually attempt to go ‘there’. Make it / allow it to be abundantly clear (and ideally, very, very funny). 

 

Then, when the me vs myself comparative thoughts arise, they’re effortlessly untangled, dispelled, in noticing there isn’t a me in a past, thus there is no actual comparison.

 

Likewise, whenever self comparative thoughts arise… it can be readily noticed when that thought is experienced… is always  now. The comparative thought could be of a day, a few days, or a few years - but the thought only ever arises, now. Feel and ‘see’ the relief in the humorous aspect of this. Laughing about it, genuinely, is a breakthrough, which is helpful in not taking the thoughts seriously. 

 

May be helpful in the recognition… happiness, presence… are words that point to you. You-happiness-presence never comes and goes, and is never in a past or future. 

Thoughts come & go. 

[Annie]

I get you.  I'm super sensitive at all times and am constantly trying to monitor my internal state so that I am calm, relaxed and introspective.  This makes me more drawn inwards, and this more self absorbed; I also seek approval to know if I am doing well in a social situation.  If people approve, then I'm doing the right thing, if they don't, then I can make adjustments.  I don't know if it is normal; results in a lot of  "I's" and getting stuck in thoughts, but those thoughts seem to have a cure in the poison; I'm finding a way out of them.

 

I think what is so disconcerting is that if I don't feel energetically connected to a person when out and about then I feel "alone" and "dead" and it is a weirdly psychotic kind of a feeling.  With it comes all sorts of magical thinking - sometimes true and often not true - and also I am an animist and can see that everything is alive around me - and I worry about judgement from that quite passive matter - and then... being in my mind stops all of that; it 'is' a self-absorbtion - a still psychotic, but less psychotic feeling than reality, which is just this naked, pure, moldable thing - I try so hard to ignore it; and it's signs; for a sense of normalcy that being around people can offer.  So I seek approval to make sure that I am on the right track.  It feels like navigating blind in some aspects - I can't understand empathy at times, or human emotions/reactions much less my own.

I'm self absorbed because I absorb everything around me, like a black hole.  I'm sensitive to everything and have to take care.  It's such a pain, I wish I was more resilient, less self absorbed and had a complete sense of self like most people do.  The thoughts help.  Like this... writing all this out, I didn't even know it was in me until I was able to put it onto the screen - and now I know and can move on with it.  But if I was just in the Now all the time, or focusing on other things, how would I be able to go into myself to know myself in order to do the mentioned things?  So it's like a necessary self-absorbtion.  Not a stereotypical one where the person is just... focusing on themselves shallowly, but a deeper one.

I feel like I will someday be able to "think" myself better, because I'm clever like that, and my knowledge of myself just keeps growing and growing, and with it a plethora of other gifts.  I feel blessed in a big way.

[WhiteOwl]

11 hours ago, Serenity said:

 

I tend to do this too. Though much less now than I used to. *💩*

 

What appears as an external problem, is actually an internal problem. You are doing outside, what you are doing inside.This is due to a strong internalization of social hierarchies, combined with a somewhat low self-esteem.

 

Unconsciously, you want to be over those you see as below you, and gain the approval of those you see on top of you. You become concerned about where you fit in the pack, which unconsciously define your social worth. 

 

The solution to this internalized hierarchy is ... a reintegration of your divine feminine side. When the divine feminine values kicks in, everything gets recontextualized and the validity of the hierarchy as a mean to define someone's worth wears off. On top of that, other elements get in the line, and these are currently not perceived as valuable by nowadays society and the way you used to assign value to people. 🙂

 

Yes your very right with your analysis. . After using the emotional scale more though i see that the "problems/thoughts" change or disappear when im feeling good. Then i lose most of these thoughts and become genuinely positive towards people. I found a list of universally shared beliefs on Byron Katies site thework.com, and looked into the ones that might influence the mentioned "problem". Today i looked into the belief "I can control how other people feel about me"". Was great, and i'll be looking into other beliefs that might cause me to "manipulate"people. I haven't looked into the divine feminine yet on my "path", i'll look into that, thank you! 🙂

10 hours ago, Phil said:

Nice. 

It might also be helpful to so to speak, utilize time. Or rather, to make use of the recognition of the actuality there isn’t really time. 

Willfully actually, and very literally - go to a past, and then go to a future. Silly as it may or may not sound, keep attempting to until it is crystal clear that this is not possible, that there is only presence, now…. you=awareness, present-only awareness. Actually stand up and take a step in the direction of the past or future. Actually attempt to go ‘there’. Make it / allow it to be abundantly clear (and ideally, very, very funny). 

 

Then, when the me vs myself comparative thoughts arise, they’re effortlessly untangled, dispelled, in noticing there isn’t a me in a past, thus there is no actual comparison.

 

Likewise, whenever self comparative thoughts arise… it can be readily noticed when that thought is experienced… is always  now. The comparative thought could be of a day, a few days, or a few years - but the thought only ever arises, now. Feel and ‘see’ the relief in the humorous aspect of this. Laughing about it, genuinely, is a breakthrough, which is helpful in not taking the thoughts seriously. 

 

May be helpful in the recognition… happiness, presence… are words that point to you. You-happiness-presence never comes and goes, and is never in a past or future. 

Thoughts come & go. 

That was really great. For anyone else reading this, who didn't do the "exercise", i can really recommend. It felt like thoughts just lost half of its power. Another one of these things that just seems like "ye i get it", but when you actually do it, thats when you actually get it. 

Was out for a few hours after reading it, and presence was super strong. No wanting to "wander" anywhere. 

 

Excellent comment all the way 🙏

 

 

11 hours ago, Mandy said:

It's funny that a thought that feels bad about itself for being self absorbed is itself a self-absorbed thought. 😳😁

Right haha.. cant help it 😇

 

5 hours ago, Annie said:

I feel like I will someday be able to "think" myself better, because I'm clever like that, and my knowledge of myself just keeps growing and growing, and with it a plethora of other gifts.  I feel blessed in a big way.

 

When i got into self-help/spirituality it was to better myself in the more "traditional" sense. I wanted to the be best, smartest, most special etc. Now that is slowly changing, and its more about becoming free of the need/want to be all these things (clever, better etc). That is where the real happiness and fun begins, so it seems.

dividing people/myself into better, smartest, coolest is what got me into these thought patterns i mentioned in the post. 

Letting go is where i am heading, and i can really recommend 😚

Of course having healthy positive beliefs about yourself is very useful in the beginning.

Edited April 11, 2022 by WhiteOwl

[Annie]

17 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

When i got into self-help/spirituality it was to better myself in the more "traditional" sense. I wanted to the be best, smartest, most special etc. Now that is slowly changing, and its more about becoming free of the need/want to be all these things (clever, better etc). That is where the real happiness and fun begins, so it seems.

dividing people/myself into better, smartest, coolest is what got me into these thought patterns i mentioned in the post. 

Letting go is where i am heading, and i can really recommend 😚

Of course having healthy positive beliefs about yourself is very useful in the beginning.

Ah yes, I know those feelings well.  I wanted to be special in an artistic sense for a while when I was younger because my family always encouraged art, but were pretty negative people and so I realized that art gave them joy and I got better and better at it.  But eventually the passion for art faded away, and so did the need to feel special - which was replaced with the need to blend in or feel like everyone else.  Your survival is more intact if you don't stand out too much and I learned this lesson from over-expression.

It's true that not needing to have these feelings creates moments of joy.
It makes me question where it is that I divide people; and what sort of distortions that would cause - something to look at for sure...
Letting go feels great; I love it and get into those states often - on and off, letting go, holding on, but just Be-ing seems to be an easier this to access as of late.  Love it.

Self Love is totally key for sure - I can't recommend that enough, it changes the entire game.  I have been working on that one a lot, and it is making a huge impact on my psyche for the better, if you don't love yourself, then everything else seems to fall apart, that love keeps me connected to God.  I've been able to extend it to loving every aspect of what is in my bubble for longer and longer periods of time; but there's still work to be done.

It feels like with every answer, a million more questions pop up.  I feel like an intermediate beginner.  I've learned a lot about certain things, but could stand to learn more about other things.