Hurt °°° Silence°°°stolen°°° Valley Girl

[Reena]

Remember Valley Girl? 

 

[Reena]

The only way to fix my life is to reconcile the idea of true love and trauma love. 

I have had both in my life. One from my father. One from my exes. 

I did not know how to make sense of any. 

Love that I received and lost. 

Love that never existed. 

Love that existed in abusive ways. 

 

[Reena]

In my latest dream my rapist was trying to kill me. He was stealing me from myself. He was telling me that it's best if I die. 

 

[Reena]

I think what I gained from my rape dream is that even though I was surrendering to my rapist, it was still in the hopes of wanting something. 

 

My surrender to the rapist was like a collateral given to him in exchange for him promising me that he would take care of someone I thought needed help. He agreed. 

 

Even in surrender, there is hope and peace and the expectation that such surrender would be of some benefit survival and emotion wise. 

 

[Reena]

You have lived in helplessness for so long that helplessness has become your state. 

 

[Reena]

Joy, hope, surrender, empowerment, peace, love are the elements I should be looking for. 

Weakness, helplessness and vulnerability is the real brain rot. 

 

[Reena]

I think the reason the rapist was telling me to die is because in my weakness I accepted death as the liberator. 

Like the say-put you out of your misery. 

Even in the most hopeless circumstances you're looking for freedom from suffering. 

 

 

[Reena]

I think ultimately even while surrendering to the rapist, you're still looking for protecting and security. It's just that this protection and security is shown to you in the most tyrannical controlling way. 

 

But the surrender is the collateral for this protection and security in exchange.. 

This is almost like cutting a deal with the devil. 

You surrender yourself to the Devil in the hopes that the Devil will protect you from harm or danger. It's a transactional form of trauma love. 

 

A very indirect form of trust exists in this deal. 

 

So there are aspects of trust, security and protection and they are given in exchange of control and domination and ownership. 

 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Rohaniah in Malay means spiritual.. 

Rohaniyat means something related to spiritual. 

Just like there is a dark triad and a light triad.. 

There is a Light Rohaniyat and a Dark Rohaniyat. 

This Dark Rohaniyat will include aspects like domination, honesty, surrender, skepticism, punishment, discipline, tough love, criticism, empowerment, leadership. Shadow aspects. 

The light Rohaniyat will be of goodness, grace, peace, love, comfort, sweetness, emotion. 

 

 

[Reena]

The dark Rohaniyat has a ownership surrender dynamic. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Aspects of Dark Rohaniyat

 

 ownership surrender 

 

 domination 

 

punishment 

 

honesty

 

tough love 

 

 

Guarding. Guidance. Trust. Protection. Security. 

Possession of the Spirit 

 

 

 

 

 

Aspects of Light Rohaniyat

 

 supportive 

 

 empathetic 

 

rewarding 

 

 

 sweetness

 

 liberating 

 

          harmony 

 

 understanding 

 

 

 compatriot 

 

 

 mercy 

 

 

 compassion

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 21, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

Joy, growth, strength, peace and love. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Aspects of Dark Rohaniyat

ownership -guarding- surrender 

 

  Aspects of Light Rohaniyat 

kindess-creation-reciprocation

 

 

Edited November 21, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Light Rohaniyat and Dark Rohaniyat are aspects of Duality of Iife and the Afterlife. 

 

However there is a neutral aspect to it. The non dual liberating aspect. Where everything is nothing. Neutral Rohaniyat. 

 

Anything that does not constitute survival and has no relevance to the Light Triad and the Dark Triad belong to the Neutral Rohaniyat. 

 

So what is Neutral Rohaniyat?

Its basically escape from Samsara. 

 

 

Samsara = The cycle of the Light Triad and the Dark Triad. The Cycle of Human Karma and Divinity. 

 

Escape from samsara provides temporary relief from having to deal with Karmic Aspects. However since you're born into human form, you can only have temporary relief from the Samsara or Karmic Aspects. You can't find permanent relief. 

 

 

[Reena]

Life and the continuation of Life is composed of the following aspects. 

 

 

 Structure of Morality and Primal Instinct. Static Component. 

 

 

 Balance of two forces. Masculine and Feminine integration 

 

 

Light Rohaniyat and Dark Rohaniyat

 

 

 light triad and Dark triad 

 

 

 

 obligation 

 

 

Karma 

 

 

Growth 

 

 

 Harmony and Wholeness. Fulfillment. 

 

 wisdom 

 

Edited November 21, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

8 hours ago, Reena said:

Life and the continuation of Life is composed of the following aspects. 

 

 

 Structure of Morality and Primal Instinct. Static Component. 

 

 

 Balance of two forces. Masculine and Feminine integration 

 

 

Light Rohaniyat and Dark Rohaniyat

 

 

 light triad and Dark triad 

 

 

 

 obligation 

 

 

Karma 

 

 

Growth 

 

 

 Harmony and Wholeness. Fulfillment. 

 

This is beautiful. 

 

[Reena]

I lack wisdom as well. 

 

[Reena]

I had another rape dream yesterday. 

 

In the dream, a man offered me a drink and he put the date rape drug in it. I drank it without knowing and then I felt dizzy.. 

He took me upstairs to a bedroom but he laid me out on the bed. He did nothing. He just brushed my hair. And told me that I'll be fine. 

 

 

[Reena]

1 minute ago, Reena said:

I had another rape dream yesterday. 

 

In the dream, a man offered me a drink and he put the date rape drug in it. I drank it without knowing and then I felt dizzy.. 

He took me upstairs to a bedroom but he laid me out on the bed. He did nothing. He just brushed my hair. And told me that I'll be fine. 

 

 

I felt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. 

 

At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. 

 

It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted.

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

7 minutes ago, Reena said:

I felt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. 

 

At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. 

 

It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted.

 

 

 

 

It seems the feeling of being guarded, comforted and put to sleep makes me feel really happy and "at home."