Haven't done something for my growth in a while...

[fopylo]

I don't have so much time to write. It's late, but I just feel like I need to let a little bit of air out, just a quick tiny blow to get some momentum.

In short:

Suspicious of a friend, a friend that I have some good laughs with but I always feel inferior to him and worth less when talking to him.

I have a friend that everything is jokes with him and he really makes me laugh and I try to push it too much too often where I'm really just suffering.

Now I don't know if it's really a joke if there's a rumor that I have a crush on someone (which isn't even true). I asked him seriously later and he said it was just a joke, but don't know anymore... can't trust him 100 percent on that.

Basically it's hard for me to make eye contact with people. I am so mental omg. One of the biggest disturbances I've had for the last few months is that it's been really hard for me to think, learn, and follow up. It's really not hard for me when it's something I like and I'm on my own, but when with people - I get so mental and overthink my standing and the other person that I totally miss the point! I love being submissive for some reason, but perhaps it's a lot of escapism from taking control of the situation and rather being in the comfort of others.

 

I just tried to spill from the top of my head. I don't want to get too much into it. All I wanted is just to remember a little the long lost feeling of journaling expressing.

I've really been suffering a lot lately,

And most of it was even before the war. I have neglected journaling my personal pathetic feelings for at least some time after the war began.

I should probably do more of that.

Shit man I sometimes really wonder if I'd even be able to live up for a good life.

 

Slowly I'm starting to see how I'm actually not so different from my parents after all... mental escapism from mother... anxiety and pathetic from father...

I'm really scared.

I have muscles but it ain't like I'm strong inside. I'm very much breakable like a twig in a storm - the storm being social situations.

 

I feel lost. Where's home?

Where are the good innocent times of the thoughts of a child, of a young teenager?

Back when fantasy land seemed more promising...

Heck, thinking growth would be linear. I guess no one can know where life will take them eventually.

 

There are yet many things I'd want to accomplish. I'm very messy and not organized.

The only thing I've probably been focusing on growth wise is my physical training in calisthenics since I desire to achieve the handstand push up, and more.

 

Thanks for reading. I recently got emotionally hit by the ending of attack on Titan. Been carrying me since I was 14. Thanks. This isn't the best place for putting it, but whatever, it popped up.

 

 

Thanks for reading. I hope I'll suffer less

 

[Phil]

Great to hear from ya!

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

I don't have so much time to write. It's late, but I just feel like I need to let a little bit of air out, just a quick tiny blow to get some momentum.

In short:

Suspicious of a friend, a friend that I have some good laughs with but I always feel inferior to him and worth less when talking to him.

Be suspicious of the thought. The comparison believed resulting in ‘inferior’ is met with guidance revealing the truth of the situation. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

I have a friend that everything is jokes with him and he really makes me laugh and I try to push it too much too often where I'm really just suffering.

The guidance felt is overlooked by the belief there is someone suffering. Listening to the guidance could be rightfully & accurately regarded as the opposite of suffering, as that which is being the guidance is not suffering. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Now I don't know if it's really a joke if there's a rumor that I have a crush on someone (which isn't even true). I asked him seriously later and he said it was just a joke, but don't know anymore... can't trust him 100 percent on that.

Don’t trust anyone on anything. Trust the guidance. 🤍

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Basically it's hard for me to make eye contact with people. I am so mental omg. One of the biggest disturbances I've had for the last few months is that it's been really hard for me to think, learn, and follow up. It's really not hard for me when it's something I like and I'm on my own, but when with people - I get so mental and overthink my standing and the other person that I totally miss the point! I love being submissive for some reason, but perhaps it's a lot of escapism from taking control of the situation and rather being in the comfort of others.

Meditation is an allowing of the activity of thinking to come to rest, revealing there isn’t what thought implies there is, such as the ‘me’ ‘it’ whatever ‘it’ might be believed to be, is ‘hard or not for’. Limiting beliefs, such as about eye contact, the separate self of thought existing & being ‘mental’, that there’s a thinker overthinking, escapism, control, etc, are limiting beliefs… and the guidance ‘tells you’ so and is always clarifying. 

 

If you want a ride you would look to Uber, a taxi, a bus, etc. Not a building.

If you want security, trust, clarity… look to meditation, not people. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

 

I just tried to spill from the top of my head. I don't want to get too much into it. All I wanted is just to remember a little the long lost feeling of journaling expressing.

I've really been suffering a lot lately,

Time is the activity of thinking, not actual. Same for the self in time. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

And most of it was even before the war. I have neglected journaling my personal pathetic feelings for at least some time after the war began.

Ample guidance felt there, surely. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

I should probably do more of that.

Shit man I sometimes really wonder if I'd even be able to live up for a good life.

That’s impossible. Good & bad are also the activity of thinking. Guidance ‘tells you this’ as well. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

 

Slowly I'm starting to see how I'm actually not so different from my parents after all... mental escapism from mother... anxiety and pathetic from father...

I'm really scared.

Fear is an emotion, guidance. 

You are not at all like your parents. Conditioning, non-meditation, seems so. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

I have muscles but it ain't like I'm strong inside. I'm very much breakable like a twig in a storm - the storm being social situations.

You’re formless. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

 

I feel lost. Where's home?

Never left.

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Where are the good innocent times of the thoughts of a child, of a young teenager?

Still This. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Back when fantasy land seemed more promising...

That’s This. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Heck, thinking growth would be linear. I guess no one can know where life will take them eventually.

That’d suck all the fun out of it. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

 

There are yet many things I'd want to accomplish. I'm very messy and not organized.

Praise & blame are all the same applies to inner monologue as well. 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

The only thing I've probably been focusing on growth wise is my physical training in calisthenics since I desire to achieve the handstand push up, and more.

Is credit take for the growth of the body since a baby too?

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

I hope I'll suffer less

Question who you’re talking about. 🙂

 

In reality growth is initially paradoxical. 

Self referential thoughts

Emotional scale

 

[fopylo]

@Phil

10 hours ago, Phil said:

Don’t trust anyone on anything. Trust the guidance. 🤍

On 11/9/2023 at 12:56 AM, fopylo said:

This, and the stuff you said before are great examples of how quick I am to quickly fall hard into beliefs about other people and how they control my life and every decision I make. Lots of social anxiety. Very hard to live like that. I always ask what people think of something that has to do with me instead of taking initiation on my own.

 

11 hours ago, Phil said:

Meditation is an allowing of the activity of thinking to come to rest

But you can't not have thoughts. Are you telling me that with meditation your number of thoughts decrease?? It doesn't seem to make sense. There's only one thought at the moment. What do you mean by "come to rest"?

 

11 hours ago, Phil said:

That’s impossible. Good & bad are also the activity of thinking. Guidance ‘tells you this’ as well

By "good life", I mean feeling good in the sense of living a life of expression and equanimity.

 

11 hours ago, Phil said:

Conditioning, non-meditation, seems so. 

What is conditioning? What is the opposite of meditation? What is meditation and it's purpose, and how can you go against it?

 

11 hours ago, Phil said:

Never left.

It seems like that at times.

 

11 hours ago, Phil said:

On 11/9/2023 at 12:56 AM, fopylo said:

Where are the good innocent times of the thoughts of a child, of a young teenager?

Still This. 

Over time I've been believing more things, less innocent, less pure. It would be wrong for me to say that I currently experience those good innocent thoughts...

 

11 hours ago, Phil said:

Is credit take for the growth of the body since a baby too?

No... but I've been working hard to achieve a strong muscular body, and my goal is to be able to do advanced movements. I find it impressive and for that I do take credit, for the accomplishment. No one grows to be good at those, it takes training, as opposed to simply letting your body grow from a baby which literally happens to all of us.

[Phil]

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Phil

This, and the stuff you said before are great examples of how quick I am to quickly fall hard into beliefs about other people and how they control my life and every decision I make.

Can ‘the one who falls hard’ be pointed to, or is that a self referential thought?

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Lots of social anxiety.

Sure it’s “anxiety”, and ‘related to others’?

Any chance that might be incorrect, as in discordant?

 

Maybe the guidance of blame is felt, in regard to the self referential thought, about ‘the one who keeps falling hard into beliefs’, etc. 

Maybe clarify by pointing to the one blaming and the one being blamed. 

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Very hard to live like that.

Suffering have something to do with ‘life’?

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

I always ask what people think of something that has to do with me instead of taking initiation on my own.

How do you feel their thoughts?

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

 

But you can't not have thoughts.

‘You’ is a thought. 

Double negatives might not be clarifying. 

Unicorns can’t not have thoughts either. 

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Are you telling me that with meditation your number of thoughts decrease?? It doesn't seem to make sense. There's only one thought at the moment. What do you mean by "come to rest"?

To taste the true tarte tatin, go to Lamotte-Beuvron. 

Thinking about it apparently & simply won’t do. 

Express whatever arises.

See if ye can share the taste; obliterating impossible expectations, dispelling such nonsensical mind games. 

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

By "good life", I mean feeling good in the sense of living a life of expression and equanimity.

“You can’t be something, you’re not”. 

Phil Anselmo 

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

What is conditioning?

Beliefs seemingly constituting a knower of good & bad, and therein a good & bad life. 

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

What is the opposite of meditation?

What is meditation.

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

What is meditation and it's purpose, and how can you go against it?

Find purpose in meditation (or anywhere else), and or the you which goes against it, and I’ll give you a hundred thousand US dollars. 

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

Over time I've been believing more things, less innocent, less pure. It would be wrong for me to say that I currently experience those good innocent thoughts...

Well, you knows there’s time, purpose, good & bad. 

 

Meditation. 

 

15 hours ago, fopylo said:

 

No... but I've been working hard to achieve a strong muscular body, and my goal is to be able to do advanced movements. I find it impressive and for that I do take credit, for the accomplishment. No one grows to be good at those, it takes training, as opposed to simply letting your body grow from a baby which literally happens to all of us.

Why stop there, taking credit wise, when you’re appearing as the entirety?

 

5-7 miles on an eliptical and some bowflex activities seem to happen nearly everyday. 

Yet I’ve never moved, and rightfully can not take any credit. 

Unthinkably enjoyable. 

 

 

‘Praise & blame are all the same’.

- Someone Smart

[fopylo]

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Can ‘the one who falls hard’ be pointed to, or is that a self referential thought?

@Phil of course there's no I that is really falling into beliefs. It's meant as a metaphor for believing hard in those beliefs...

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Any chance that might be incorrect, as in discordant?

 

Those thoughts of others looming on me surely doesn't feel good. One of the worst feelings out there, and fairly consistent.

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Maybe the guidance of blame is felt, in regard to the self referential thought, about ‘the one who keeps falling hard into beliefs’, etc. 

Maybe clarify by pointing to the one blaming and the one being blamed. 

You are most likely correct on the blame - I am blaming myself for this shit. The one blaming = the one experiencing, awareness. The one blamed = the thought of a person falling in a spiral who I consider as myself.

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Suffering have something to do with ‘life’?

 

Life is suffering?

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

How do you feel their thoughts?

 

I don't really. But it's like when you ask a person what he thinks about a certain topic and he answers you, but their opinion has literally become your thought. It's like all of what I'm writing that you are reading is your thoughts, not mine, in a way.

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

On 11/10/2023 at 2:02 AM, fopylo said:

But you can't not have thoughts.

‘You’ is a thought. 

Double negatives might not be clarifying. 

Unicorns can’t not have thoughts either. 

That doesn't clarify much

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

To taste the true tarte tatin, go to Lamotte-Beuvron. 

Thinking about it apparently & simply won’t do. 

Express whatever arises.

See if ye can share the taste; obliterating impossible expectations, dispelling such nonsensical mind games. 

I didn't really understand 

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

On 11/10/2023 at 2:02 AM, fopylo said:

By "good life", I mean feeling good in the sense of living a life of expression and equanimity.

“You can’t be something, you’re not”. 

Phil Anselmo 

What are you referring to?

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

On 11/10/2023 at 2:02 AM, fopylo said:

What is conditioning?

Beliefs seemingly constituting a knower of good & bad, and therein a good & bad life. 

Can you give example?

 

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Why stop there, taking credit wise, when you’re appearing as the entirety?

You mean to take credit not only for my impressive growth, but also credit for my friend's calisthenics achievements, as well as credit for great accomplishments by great musicians who made it?

[Phil]

38 minutes ago, fopylo said:

Can you give example?

Just start at the top of this thread and each time there is an “I”, the conditioning is whatever immediately follows. 

 

38 minutes ago, fopylo said:

What are you referring to?

Conditioning. Conditions. 

 

39 minutes ago, fopylo said:

You mean to take credit not only for my impressive growth, but also credit for my friend's calisthenics achievements, as well as credit for great accomplishments by great musicians who made it?

For everything there seems to be. 

 

[fopylo]

Oh by the way, I just came back from a light jog, something I haven't done for a while. And in a mysterious way... I felt more like myself at the end of the run. I felt more powerful, with more potential, capable of changing my life... what the hell? Is that the power of aerobic exercise? It's like a switch has just been flipped on in my brain.

[Jonas Long]

18 minutes ago, fopylo said:

Is that the power of aerobic exercise? 

Yup.

[fopylo]

8 hours ago, Phil said:

9 hours ago, fopylo said:

Can you give example?

Just start at the top of this thread and each time there is an “I”, the conditioning is whatever immediately follows. 

@Phil Is conditioning a bad thing?