Etremely bothered by flatmate. What to do?

[WhiteOwl]

I have been trying to see the positive side of things, but its very difficult right now, and its not making our relationship better.

 

Okay, so this is the case:

 

I moved into an apartment 2 month ago, renting a room in an apartment from a friend i didn't know that well. Only knew him from parties. He had access to the apartment only two weeks before i moved in, so we almost started together from scratch without a lot of things. We share the same interest in music which is a big part of what both of us like. 

 

He parties for a lot of the weekend, and also works nightshifts during the weekends. And parties a lot means staying awake for 48 hours in a row, on average once every weekend, so far at least. That is of course pretty detrimental for your wellbeing, but if you do it i feel like you have some responsibility to try to feel as good as possible the rest of the week. I try to do that if i ever sacrifice that much for the weekend. 

 

The problem is that i don't enjoy the vibe in the apartment. His room is right next to the livingroom/kitchen, and he stays in there for 2 days sometimes not coming out to say hi or talk, like he is afraid of it. It irritates me a lot and causes negative thinking. 

He also doesn't do anything for himself or the apartment. I am mostly annoyed about the apartment, since i have to do everything and we haven't established the apartment being normally functional yet, like having a dinner table. 

When i talk about buying one, he replies that there are smart ways to do it that doesn't involve buying one (making it yourself sort of). And i'm thinking "Sure, obviously, BUT YOU ARE NOT EVER GOING TO DO THAT". Thats why i want to buy something and get it over with. Nothing expensive. He sleeps on his madress on the floor next to his bed that he didn't build, for 2 month. I asked him several times to help him but hes always got an excuse. I think he's afraid to show me how he keeps his clothes (in a gigantic pile on a floor), and doesn't have the energy to fix it. So when he talks about DYI projects i just give up inside. He loses his things and doesn't meet his appointments.

 

I think he is a bit ashamed of how he is living, and also how he eats. I eat very healthy and care a lot about it, so the contrast is big, to me at least. I also judge him a bit for it even though i don't want to. I don't want to feel above him even though i can't help but do it, right now.

 

He is obviously not feeling very good which is kind of sad, but i don't want to get between him and partying at this point. It is a big part of his life, and i don't want to start to make it seem like i am judging his life anymore than what is obvious. That will only make our relationship in the apartment more difficult i think.

 

What do i want?

 

I want to have a positive attitude towards him, not be so bugged over how he lives his life, and maybe be able to help him get some stability in his life. 

 

I feel resentful that i am doing everything, both with time and money for the apartment, and he is the one with the contract. I just want a nice stay while i am here.

 

I have difficulty staying in alignment here. My old roomate were also living pretty bad at times so maybe there is a lesson for me.

 

I can sometimes get in the mood of "Why do i care so much? Just let it go". But how do i learn to love him even while this is going on? If i want to get the most out of it, i have to.

We have had a lot of fun at parties btw.

 

 

Very long post, thanks if anyone reads or has comments or been in situations where they overcame similar feelings towards someone.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 27, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Rose]

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

But how do i learn to love him even while this is going on?

Are you being loving to yourself by being in this situation and living with this person? 

[Mandy]

Is the partying something you're aligned with doing yourself? 

[WhiteOwl]

8 hours ago, Rose said:

Are you being loving to yourself by being in this situation and living with this person? 

Well its not permanently. I wont stay more than til next summer, and its not so easy to find rooms here right now. Also i just moved in. I couldnt know how it was before. Now i want to use the situation to grow at least and feel as good as possible.

 

@Mandy to a certain point yes. I am making dance music, so a part of it is being at parties and in the nightlife. I do my very best though to take care of myself and my wellbeing as that is very easily dismissed in this environment. 
 

I am still trying to find my balance in this lifestyle. But im doing alright i would say. 
I just dont want to be negative and judgemental. Also because it only makes things worse.
 

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl Judgement itself isn't bad (that would be more judgement), just use it for clarity about what's wanted. Do you believe that the party/nightlife thing is something you must do for your music career, or is it something you want to be doing? Are you crushing it on social media? Can I discover you online? If it could be anything you want it to be, what would it be? 

 

A desire for a kitchen table can completely change the trajectory on one's life, but it's never about the kitchen table. 

[Phil]

Place to yourself at night, natural outlet & networker for a roommate given your passion, who keeps to himself in his room. What’s not to love? Sounds like you’re being set up to receive what you want on all fronts. Who cares about his bedroom or what he eats, that’s his business.

 

Buy or make a table. Create something cool & different. Liven the place up a little. Make yourself at home. 

 

Don’t try to love him, that’s bending the spoon. Impossible. Only try to realize the truth. 

[WhiteOwl]

On 6/28/2023 at 12:23 PM, Mandy said:

@WhiteOwl Judgement itself isn't bad (that would be more judgement), just use it for clarity about what's wanted. Do you believe that the party/nightlife thing is something you must do for your music career, or is it something you want to be doing? Are you crushing it on social media? Can I discover you online? If it could be anything you want it to be, what would it be? 

 

A desire for a kitchen table can completely change the trajectory on one's life, but it's never about the kitchen table. 

Well most parties are during the night, even though many more daytime raves are showing up now. Enjoying that a lot. I want it to some degree but i want to keep alcohol and most substances to a minimum which im not doing right now. Then i think its great, for now at least. You can discover me yes, started recently though. Putting out first real project soon through a label which will be exciting. Music is finished just need some other stuff.

I will think about it, your words inspire me for sure. I want to let go of old and create something so amazing. I see glimpses of opportunities a lot these days. Maybe things are a lot more magical than first "thought" 😄 

Edited June 29, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[WhiteOwl]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Place to yourself at night, natural outlet & networker for a roommate given your passion, who keeps to himself in his room. What’s not to love? Sounds like you’re being set up to receive what you want on all fronts. Who cares about his bedroom or what he eats, that’s his business. 

 

Damn that is so right.. exactly this.. Yea i had signal that the manifestation was right early on, so i'm sure it is. I just kind of went down a sour route inside focusing on useless crap. I exactly get a lot of time for myself, and even for decorating his place as i want to.. And he loves it also. 

And about natural outlet.. very right. 

 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

 

Buy or make a table. Create something cool & different. Liven the place up a little. Make yourself at home. 

 

Don’t try to love him, that’s bending the spoon. Impossible. Only try to realize the truth. 

 

Thanks dude.. you are way awesome. much help 🙂 

 

Love this place here

Edited June 29, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Mandy]

On 6/29/2023 at 5:48 PM, WhiteOwl said:

You can discover me yes, started recently though. Putting out first real project soon through a label which will be exciting. Music is finished just need some other stuff.

How about a forum signature link? 

[WhiteOwl]

3 hours ago, Mandy said:

How about a forum signature link? 

I am a little afraid of connecting this site with my "real" life due to my journal mostly. I would like to though. Maybe i will delete it at some point and start journaling in a different way. Is that understandable or how do you see it? 🙂 

 

Its such a tiny corner of the internet though, but you never know.

Edited July 15, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl Definitely understandable, I think we're all considerate of the "worlds colliding" thing over here. I do wonder about it sometimes though, are there really two worlds to collide? If you're ok with it, I'd love to have the link in PM though. 🙂

[WhiteOwl]

On 7/16/2023 at 2:00 AM, Mandy said:

@WhiteOwl Definitely understandable, I think we're all considerate of the "worlds colliding" thing over here. I do wonder about it sometimes though, are there really two worlds to collide? If you're ok with it, I'd love to have the link in PM though. 🙂

Sure thing. I will give you a link 🙂 i sampled your voice one time for an unreleased track i sent you earlier, hehe.