I feel doubt and unworthiness most of the time

[Nadosa]

4 hours ago, Nadosa said:

What about the pessimism? About each and everything? I feel like I want others to feel bad about it (i.e. a concert, a song the crowd didnt like that much...) too. And blame others for example: we're gigging soon at a Festival and unfortunately very early in the afternoon midst week, probably not gonna have a big crowd then.

 

I dont hesitate openly expressing: "Look, the crowd may be looking dead again..."

 

Answer by my bandmate is: "you piss me off, you give me such a bad feeling with your pessimism. It isnt useful to go into the Gigs with your attitude,  we must see it as a chance."

 

What do I do about that?

 

Actually I feel anger and revenge and want them to feel bad for answering back like that.

 

But i apologized for my message.

 

I tend to draw a black cloud over everything. It feels so manipulative.

@Phil

[Phil]

30 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I'd day excitement.  Peace is the opposite of fear or being disturbed in some way . What do you think ? We can have a conversation about this but it seems obvious to me .

For sure. Excitement, enthusiasm, eagerness… Self. The unobstructed / unobscured Self-floating cork. 

 

30 minutes ago, Someone here said:

What's tripping me up is the notion that peace/goodness/perfection/love (or however you want to call it ) is identical to the Self .

Is Self.

(Words which point to ineffable, infinite). 

 

30 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Or something inherent in consciousness or existence.

Consciousness is a pointing word, to Self. Self, is a pointing word. 

Existence is used both ways. Existence as in what’s eternal, actual, is Self. 

Existence as in ‘to stand out’, points to appearance. Also Self, appearing. 

 

30 minutes ago, Someone here said:

But honestly in direct experience there is as well the opposite of that like depression, sadness ,anguish, boredom...to name a few .

Seemingly the opposite of Self. All of those words point to, and feel like - “not Self”. 

But those aren’t opposites. Self doesn’t have an opposite. 

It’s how thoughts / beliefs / misinterpretations / misunderstandings / misidentifications feel - to Self. 

Self is appearing as… those thoughts… which don’t resonate with, aren’t aligned with, aren’t indicative of - Self. 

Being infinite… there is no assertion… no one or thing which could limit, Self. 

So Self is free to believe whatever thoughts Self is appearing as. 

Were it not for the collective prevailing materialist’s paradigm (the belief in knowing & understanding)… Self would be self-obvious.

I mean, Self is Self-obvious, but these beliefs obscure, apparently. Keep’s the seeking going.   

 

30 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Can you guide me to realize how I'm always in peace and show me the barriers that are preventing me from realizing this ?

The belief there’s some thing to realize / will be / could be realized - in a future moment… is what obscures. 

There is always some thing that needs to be gotten for the separate self of thoughts / individual / ego. 

What’s overlooked is that there is no separate self / individual / ego. 

 

30 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Look ,I'm dead serious about this. 

Well yeah. The separate self / individual / ego is always serious about - THIS. 😂 

Not. Two. Nonduality. 

Seriousness isn’t indicative of Self, it’s indicative of humans manipulating humans. Typically for money, sex, notoriety, to ‘fill the hole’. 

 

30 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I have tried everything under the sun ..I came to the conclusion that nothing in this world of samsara/dukkha will truly 'do it '  for me ...I'm on the spiritual path now for 5 years .and still haven't awoken to Love 😕. 

“For me”. 

What’s seems to be missing is always in the last place we look, isn’t it so?

 

[Phil]

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

What about the pessimism? About each and everything? I feel like I want others to feel bad about it (i.e. a concert, a song the crowd didnt like that much...) too.

For sure.

“Misery loves company”

”Smile and the world smiles with you, cry, and you cry alone”. 

 

You really gotta do a ‘reality check’:

If I don’t care to feel this way, why am I continuing to think this way?

If I don’t care for how it feels, why would I want to share it with anyone else?

 

Comes to mind…

Many years ago my wife and I agreed - no more apologies from here on out. You don’t like how you feel - you go sit with it. Very literally. You just go sit somewhere with the emotion. You blow a fuse, project anger etc… later when it has fizzled out, you don’t get to apologize. That yours and you keep it. Boy does that make you think twice next time. 

 

 

If there is substantial pessimism felt… it’s pretty much guaranteed distractions are employed. Avoidance of boredom is avoidance of acknowledging pessimism. Time in nature without screens or people is ideal ime. Not needed, just seems to be easiest. 

 

This might be triggering, sorry if so… you don’t know what’s good & bad, you just believe you do. The price you pay is heavon, literal infinite nondual goodness. The knowing is the overlooking, in spite of the discord felt. 

 

Every morning - appreciation. Does not matter what. This morning I appreciated my coffee mug. Literal example. It’s awesome honestly. It works so perfectly. If I had to just use my hands I probably wouldn’t even bother. It’d just be ridiculous. Thank God for that empty cup. Every morning I splash cold water on my face. It feels amazing. It’s so fleshing. I appreciate the the bejesus out of it. Most often the first person I see is my wife. The first thing I say is I love you… thanks for  _______. Literally anything can go in that blank. Anything. 

 

One of my favorite financial terms: appreciation = growth. 

 

 

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

And blame others for example: we're gigging soon at a Festival and unfortunately very early in the afternoon midst week, probably not gonna have a big crowd then.

Blaming others is like holding a hot coal while believing others are feeling the burn. If there is blame, it’s good to express it, to empty. But believing it’s someone else’s fault obscures the source of. Play & enjoy the gig. Do whatever comes to mind to get folks there. Let that be enough. 🙂 If it ain’t, watch a Def Leopard video for some perspective.  

 

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 

I dont hesitate openly expressing: "Look, the crowd may be looking dead again..."

Do your thing man. Wake em up. For reference, see any Rage Against The Machine video. 

 

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 

Answer by my bandmate is: "you piss me off, you give me such a bad feeling with your pessimism. It isnt useful to go into the Gigs with your attitude,  we must see it as a chance."

 

What do I do about that?

Non-do. Just Listen. 

Notice reactions, don’t react / express em. “Sit with it”. 

Thank your band mate for the reality check. 

 

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

 

Actually I feel anger and revenge and want them to feel bad for answering back like that.

 

But i apologized for my message.

Funny how handy ye ol’ apology is isn’t it? 

 

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I tend to draw a black cloud over everything. It feels so manipulative.

That thought is not about you. If it were it’d feel great. 

 

Affirmations work man. It’s alignment. 

“I bring light & love to all situations. It feels wonderful. It is the nature of my Being.”

 

[Someone here]

23 minutes ago, Phil said:

The belief there’s some thing to realize / will be / could be realized - in a future moment… is what obscures. 

There is always some thing that needs to be gotten for the separate self of thoughts / individual / ego. 

What’s overlooked is that there is no separate self / individual / ego. 

That's spot on . Thanks man .I will contemplate more on this . 

Just sayin..gotta listen more to Jim Newman 😄🙏

[Phil]

@Someone here

For sure. So simple, precise, direct, straightforward & honest.

(Apparently!)

😂 

 

[Nadosa]

@Phil about the relaxing into; there is a sense that it is possible to fall even deeper into "Self", as if it is infinitely deep, sometimes it feels like "Im just half-way relaxed", as if there is still something holding me "in", which is then seen to be just thoughts and sometimes I feel like I totally abide and relax into Self.

 

Vision gets clear, everything seems borderless.

 

As you mentioned, with the imagination of bodies, and one is falling away after each relaxation.

 

I can feel what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I cant "relax" into the really depth of Self, and then there is this sensing of being able to go even further back, then impatience is felt or frustration. Because sometimes there is not enough time sitting long enough to let "all bodies fall away". 

Edited June 1, 2023 by Nadosa

[Phil]

@Nadosa

You’re not being Selfish enough. 

[Nadosa]

Longer sittings then..

[Phil]

49 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Longer sittings then..

Impossible for anyone else to say. It’s very paradoxical because the pattern hinges on time, a second self, and not experiencing emotions. 

[Nadosa]

But just being with what is usually leads to...just this?

[Phil]

@Nadosa

That’s the pattern.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

Longer sittings then..

Long enough that thoughts arising (the pattern) are experienced, yet not believed & reacted to. 

Then there’s no inclination for someone else to make you feel better… because there isn’t the discord in the first place. 

Wether that’s already the case, or takes time, is entirely up to you. 

[Nadosa]

It is very paradoxical, because one can choose whenever desired to not believe thoughts. 

[Phil]

@Nadosa

It definitely seems so, and as always the truth is infinitely greater than anything which can come to mind… but what’s been found ‘here’ is the ‘one’ that feels doubt & unworthiness most of the time is the ego, as is ‘the chooser’ and or ‘one with desire’. Ego as in a separate self of thoughts believed to exist in linear time.  Perhaps some interpretations essentially innocently derived of conditioning / collective ignorance which never resonated in the first place are coming up to be heard, allowed into the Light, processed & aligned…? 

[Nadosa]

@Phil

Today we had a hell of a show. 500-1000 people, really went off.

 

But even then, I try to minimize every "good thing", being pessimistic about everything!

 

Not only that, our bass player is pretty nice and good looking, and all the girls go to him and I feel a bit jealous afterwards.

 

And then I look again what could have been gone better, feeling unworthy, insecure about my appearance.

 

I feel like I am getting older.

 

I am 24. My hair's slowly getting kind of thin, no volume, few grey hairs, my face turns older too, not in a way I'd like it to change. With 20 I felt somehow more confident with my looks, but right now I look at my friends and they all turn into " male models" (:D) whilst I feel like my appearance worsens the older I get...I dont know, it is something that makes me feel insecure.

 

Actually nice to express it.

 

Appearance is one hell of a trigger for me. It started when I broke up with my ex. Not getting to know many girls and not getting somehow a validation within the last two years, I have been really getting more and more insecure.

 

For example, socially, for me, two years ago, looking someone in the eyes was really easy, now I cant do that anymore.

 

As soon as I feel insecure and sense this emotion, or sense a projection of my emotions, I feel so awkward and insecure and I somehow stop listening to the other person and instead try to get rid of the insecurity and then it all turns into an awkward cycle of not being attentive or authentic. Thoughts appear about being awkward and so on.

 

For sure, this all plays a role for being attractive. Being authentic, attentive, grounded. Whilst others socialize, I am the weirdo that likes to sit 2 hours alone at a beach and feeling like this is what it is, I cant run away, I am no longer running away, just be. And this is ultimately what gives me the ultimate joy.

 

But finding a balance...

Edited June 9, 2023 by Nadosa

[Phil]

@Nadosa

Awesome. Congrats on a great show! 🍻