Some troubles

[Blessed2]

So I came to notice that I have some trouble with judging my body / feeling incompetence / feeling cut off from full sexual expression. Like an incapability to fully 'get there' in sexual / intimate sense with another person. Not in an orgasm-wise perhaps but more like it not really feeling anothers soul and presence so to speak. Feeling cut off from 'touching the spot' emotionally.

 

This feels quite energetic, maybe literally in a sacral chakra way, but it also seems to have gotten quite bad since there is a physical and psychological feeling of burnout and exhaustion, depression, and kind of "running out from life energy". It feels a bit like having a flu or something. As if life energy is running / flowing out, and it's a bit worrying to be honest. Also there seems to be some sleeping problems with it.

 

This has probably been going on for years already, but it seems to have really gotten worse about a year ago, and especially this fall and past few weeks.

 

Meditation seems to help. Really can't keep going like this, I have to start meditating. Any other advice though?

[Mandy]

I find that doing stuff that's fun and carefree, and maybe even silly is the best medicine for that. Make a list of ideas when you're feeling good then refer to it daily.

 

Are you exercising? 

[Phil]

9 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

So I came to notice that I have some trouble with judging my body / feeling incompetence / feeling cut off from full sexual expression.

Congrats on having let layers go to allow this to be expressed. It can be very difficult. Well done sir. 

Now go into the more subtle, and if it gets too discordant, too intense… let it go, mindfully ‘zoom out’ to the more general picture. Like untangling a huge ball of wires… untangle some, then set that damn thing down for a while. Allow yourself to again fill up with yourself. 🙂

 

The ‘more subtle’ would be distinguishing thoughts from feeling. That incompetence & cut off from isn’t a feeling or emotion - isn’t felt.

The concept, belief, is what’s felt.

 

Also, simplify... “I have some trouble with judging”. 

And the trouble is, “I don’t care for how judging feels”. 

The more it’s realized you don’t have to judge, and or there is no one or no thing to judge… the more it is recognized, realized, and lived - that you’ve no trouble at all. 

 

9 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Like an incapability to fully 'get there' in sexual / intimate sense with another person. Not in an orgasm-wise perhaps but more like it not really feeling anothers soul and presence so to speak. Feeling cut off from 'touching the spot' emotionally.

Whenever the notion has arisen that I am incapable of something, I’ve used the backside of the dreamboard. I write what it is that’s wanted on the far right, and then I allow the steps to it to fill in to the left of it. The smaller the steps which fill in and are seen, the more possible the “big thing” on the right becomes. All “big things” are illusory, and are really a bunch of small steps. Similarly, when I play a gig and there is the rare occasion that someone says ‘wow you’re so talented’, in truth, I’ve played that song a hundred times. The scale and chords the song is made of, I’ve played countless times. There’s an illusory aspect of “talent” at play in their experience, having seen & heard the song performed only that one time. 

 

9 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

This feels quite energetic, maybe literally in a sacral chakra way, but it also seems to have gotten quite bad since there is a physical and psychological feeling of burnout and exhaustion, depression, and kind of "running out from life energy". It feels a bit like having a flu or something. As if life energy is running / flowing out, and it's a bit worrying to be honest. Also there seems to be some sleeping problems with it.

Busy mind is tiresome. Discordant belief causes busy mind. Notice right now in the visceral bodily sense, the energy is infinite and coming from thin air. All around and from within and into the body, without spacial exception. The eating of the food, burning of the calories energy paradigm is an illusory facade of believing thoughts. All is made of, is the vibrational appearance of, the ‘energy’. There is no shortage of abundant-self, there is nothing but ‘the energy’. 

 

To sleep like a baby, change the mental framing of the worry. Worry is an emotion. Emotion is feeling, plus thought story. Change the story by allowing - welcoming the emotion. You are a Palace, there is no shortage of space for worry. Allow worry to come in willingly, and to stay as long as ‘it’ wants. Even if that’s for the rest of your life. In being welcomed, the worry will share the Truth of you, and then it will move on to teach another about feeling, thoughts, and emotion. 

 

9 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

This has probably been going on for years already, but it seems to have really gotten worse about a year ago, and especially this fall and past few weeks.

 

Meditation seems to help. Really can't keep going like this, I have to start meditating. Any other advice though?

Meditation is focusing on feeling breathing in the stomach. Put another way, meditation is the break from focusing on the discordant thoughts, of which, by which worry is felt. There is only one day, today. There is no actuality to a you of a year ago. These are the discordant thoughts let go in meditation. Today is always Meditation. More acutely, Meditation is being “today”, and not even. 

 

In terms of expediting the emptying of the discord, schedule a Reiki session. 

 

Something to consider… if one knows what one wants, and sees that is underway, unfolding, precisely what’s happening… one is neither upset, anxious, depressed or experiencing worry. If one does not know what one wants - one very much knows what one does not want, and from unwanted, one intrinsically knows and can derive, precisely what one wants, and can focus upon it according, feeling the alignment that it is This, underway, unfolding. 

[Blessed2]

3 hours ago, Mandy said:

Are you exercising? 

 

No, but there appears a lot of thoughts that "I should" and even a bit "I wanna". Been thinking of buying a kettlebell and doing some home workout stuff. It does feel good and gets energy moving.

 

Don't know why the thought feels off though. Maybe it's the self-referential stuff.

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

Like untangling a huge ball of wires… untangle some, then set that damn thing down for a while.

 

A thought came to mind that I could literally untangle a ball of wires, as a metaphor / meditation. 😂 Maybe I'll buy a pair of apple earpods and carry them in my pocket for practice.

 

🙏

 

2 hours ago, Phil said:

In terms of expediting the emptying of the discord, schedule a Reiki session. 

 

@Mandy I hear you just finished Reiki II? 😏

 

If you're up for it, I'd appreciate a lot. I don't have a lot of money, but I can do a little if you'd like that.

[Mandy]

42 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

No, but there appears a lot of thoughts that "I should" and even a bit "I wanna". Been thinking of buying a kettlebell and doing some home workout stuff. It does feel good and gets energy moving.

 

Don't know why the thought feels off though. Maybe it's the self-referential stuff.

I do a video at home workouts every morning (unless I'm way too sore from yesterday's) and really enjoy them. It's been a huge boost in my mood as the days get shorter and darker and I'm outside much less. Youtube is full of great ones, with whatever focus or theme you want. Start with a 10 minute one for beginners, and go from there. You'd probably do better searching for them yourself but I've been doing ones from this super popular channel lately, and they are really fun. There's also a male friendly section if you scroll through her page. https://www.youtube.com/@PamelaRf1 

 

I'd be very glad to send you distance reiki. No charge of course, I'm happy to get the practice. If you can manage to get an in person session as well, I'd also really suggest that too though.

[Blessed2]

@Mandy Yay!! Thanks! How do we do this? I think I'd need a few days to calm down, my emotions is a hurricane right now. How does wednesday or thursday sound?

 

I already felt some healing vibes this morning btw. It seems that time isn't a limit for Reiki. 😄

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Will PM you. 

[Blessed2]

On 12/10/2022 at 4:26 PM, Phil said:

You are a Palace, there is no shortage of space for worry. Allow worry to come in willingly, and to stay as long as ‘it’ wants. Even if that’s for the rest of your life. In being welcomed, the worry will share the Truth of you, and then it will move on to teach another about feeling, thoughts, and emotion. 

 

Something interesting came up about this.

 

I tried doing that, sort of seeing that there is space within me and allow worry or whatever feeling come in and "make home". It was helpful.

 

Though I noticed something... That the feeling of space is hindered with the belief that I am the body or separate. I notice that belief feels discordant. I'd like to feel expansive, spacious. Like that Palace. But I can't feel and see myself as that Palace while simultaneously holding the thought "I". 🤔

 

The thought "I" feels so off. Like a sad, tiniest hole of empty separateness. It's so small, like infinetely small hole and completely cut off from that space and Palace. It feels like a compression. Like everything and everyone is outside the me. I'd rather hold within all this space!

 

...

 

This vid happened to come out just 30 minutes ago 😂😂

 

 

Edited December 13, 2022 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

It's just like that. The thought "I" feels like a contraction in the body, in the middle of the chest. It feels unhealthy.

 

 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

The ‘baggage’ around the I is the contraction… which is felt by… the I. Baggage as in beliefs attached to the notion.

This is great imo. Avery simple manor of bringing up the discord to illuminate it has been discovered  

On 12/9/2022 at 11:34 PM, Blessed2 said:

This feels quite energetic, maybe literally in a sacral chakra way, but it also seems to have gotten quite bad since there is a physical and psychological feeling of burnout and exhaustion, depression, and kind of "running out from life energy". It feels a bit like having a flu or something. As if life energy is running / flowing out, and it's a bit worrying to be honest. Also there seems to be some sleeping problems with it.

It’s that ‘baggage’ around the mental notion of I. 

Thought ‘says’ reality is dualistic. Sounds like you’re letting that paradigm go. Typically the next paradigm is the energy paradigm. 

On 12/9/2022 at 11:34 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

This has probably been going on for years already, but it seems to have really gotten worse about a year ago, and especially this fall and past few weeks.

Maybe it’s not gotten worse. Like if you ate something and got food poisoning… barfing might be disturbing and taste horrible… but that’s actually ‘things working out for you’. The analogy of food ends where the actuality of finite mind begins, as the mouth suffers the ‘taste’ of the barf… like the finite mind suffers the all one’s horseshit if you will, coming ‘up & out’ through the finite mind. Again, hope you can ‘see’ it but, this is great. Sorry about ‘the taste’, but, in the bigger picture, great to hear. 

On 12/9/2022 at 11:34 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

Meditation seems to help. Really can't keep going like this, I have to start meditating. Any other advice though?

Meditation is kind of like not swallowing barf, just allowing. 

Not resisting thought wise = letting the weight of the ‘baggage’ go. 

Also, think of a side of beef like half a cow… which trims itself of it’s own fat perfectly… 

and also there’s a thought narrative going on about how there’s a butcher and the butcher’s doing the trimming. 

“The butcher’s” not really “doing” anything… there’s just the thought narrative about a butcher doing. 

The butcher & the meat are One in the same, “the meat” just doesn’t experience a thought narration, so for “the meat”, there isn’t “the meat”. 

That make any dang sense at all lol?

 

Also this one comes to mind…

 

Any or all of the three methods will ‘trim’ the baggage of the true I. In a nutshell… anything that can be said to be experienced is not the True I. If a body, or a my body is experienced… the body therefore can not be that which is experiencing. Yet also, even any self reference is not the true I, such as the observer, the witness, the thinker, the perceiver, the experiencer, and even… consciousness, awareness, infinite being, God, The Self, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Ultimately, or “in the final analysis” (love that phrase)… I simply equals, Me.  

 

 

Another ‘angle’… are you, have you even been, are you willing to be - vulnerable? 

 

As @James123 said, FUCK THE I! 

I LOVE sentiment of putting it that way because it just cuts right through an ‘armor’ / seriousness. 

 

[Blessed2]

14 hours ago, Phil said:

Meditation is kind of like not swallowing barf, just allowing. 

Not resisting thought wise = letting the weight of the ‘baggage’ go.

 

I wonder... If I simply focus on the feeling of "I", rather than trying to 'get somewhere', or rather than trying to end the activity of thought or breathing from the stomach etc... There is a feeling of ease. It's really easy to focus on the feeling of "I". It comes naturally and effortlessly, which is not the case with breath for example.

 

Though some worry comes up, that maybe focusing on the "I" only strenghtens the identification and feeling of separation, and monkey-mind.

 

I wonder if it's helpful or not. It feels like there's a 'pull' to the feeling "I". Not sure if it should be resisted.

 

14 hours ago, Phil said:

Also, think of a side of beef like half a cow… which trims itself of it’s own fat perfectly… 

and also there’s a thought narrative going on about how there’s a butcher and the butcher’s doing the trimming. 

“The butcher’s” not really “doing” anything… there’s just the thought narrative about a butcher doing. 

The butcher & the meat are One in the same, “the meat” just doesn’t experience a thought narration, so for “the meat”, there isn’t “the meat”. 

That make any dang sense at all lol?

 

😂😂 Whaaat

 

14 hours ago, Phil said:

Another ‘angle’… are you, have you even been, are you willing to be - vulnerable? 

 

😂😂😂 mmkay

 

Not sure. Not sure what vulnerability is trying to say.

[Mandy]

@Blessed2

 

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2

 

 

Omg that was so good. Thank you

[Phil]

7 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I wonder... If I simply focus on the feeling of "I", rather than trying to 'get somewhere', or rather than trying to end the activity of thought or breathing from the stomach etc... There is a feeling of ease. It's really easy to focus on the feeling of "I". It comes naturally and effortlessly, which is not the case with breath for example.

Yes! The feeling of I… without the ‘baggage’ (thoughts about). 

For some… meditation, which is feeling (“breathing”) ‘works’… because it’s a break from thoughts about, or, self referential thoughts. 

For some… self inquiry, allowing all thoughts to come and go, and allowing the ‘feeling answer’ to arise ‘works’. 

Many paths, same infinite awesome inexplicable ineffable “feeling”. 

Pretty sure we just say I as shorthand, cause it would just be cumbersome to always be saying ‘infinite whole & complete unconditional pure fucking awesomeness’. 

 

7 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Though some worry comes up, that maybe focusing on the "I" only strenghtens the identification and feeling of separation, and monkey-mind.

Some thoughts come up… and the emotion (guidance in regard to the thoughts)… is worry. 

Inspect the thought: what is “feeling of separation”?

Maybe separation is a thought… and there is how that thought feels. 

 

7 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

I wonder if it's helpful or not. It feels like there's a 'pull' to the feeling "I". Not sure if it should be resisted.

Maybe there isn’t even ‘the feeling “I”’. 

Not. Two. 

[Blessed2]

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2

 

 

It's like a checklist of what's up in my life.

 

I have trouble taking steps for what I want... Cause I experience doubt, and I don't want to experience disappointment. What if I give it all I got and I still fail?

 

I do seek perfection. In diet for example... I experience worry that there is heavy metals or toxins everywhere, and it's robbing me of health and clarity of mind.

 

And I numb the feeling... Alcohol, social media, spending most of the free time time in bed, nicotine, food...

 

 

And never certain and extraordinary enough. I seek both in spirituality and enlightenment.

 

Certainty that there is no longer that feeling of worry and doubt... "I need to be sure about what's true. I need to be sure that I won't do something wrong and end up in hell or something. I need to be enlightened."

 

Extraordinarity that I'd be special enough, to be loved. Better, more special, more unique... To be admired, especially by women. Otherwise, some other dude might be more pleasing than me.

 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Yes, and all of that is unnecessary effort to protect yourself. A self that really already ain't no thing.  Vulnerablity just means putting down the weightly shield. Brene Brown has a lot of other amazing talks on this subject. ❤️